When I Surrender

by Kendall Ryan

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  The next morning, seated behind my desk at group, the weight of what I’d done came crashing down on me the moment Knox strolled into the room looking happy and carefree.

  I’d lost my virginity last night to a man who was in sexual addiction recovery. I could lose my counseling license. I could lose everything I’d worked hard for – and for what? While I was falling deeper and deeper, I had no idea what it would lead to. Did Knox even love me? He’d told me time and again he wasn’t capable of love. I was finally starting to see the ramifications of that. The risks I was taking for him could all be for nothing. My chest felt tight as I watched him take a seat across the room without so much as acknowledging me.

  That week’s group was the most awkward experience of my life. Each member shared the number of days since their last sexual encounter and when Knox said one – my cheeks flamed as memories of me unabashedly grinding against him in his bed last night came flooding back. I didn’t know how to reconcile these two halves of myself – the counselor helping him heal and the girl who wanted to fall into his arms and give in to the pleasure of the moment.

  It seemed like I’d lived a lifetime of new experiences since I’d first watched him saunter through that door just a few short months ago. So much had changed and yet nothing really had. I had Knox in my life now – but the threat of his past still threatened our future, I still had Brian playing the overprotective and slightly possessive big brother, and I’d yet to face my own past. Dread churned inside me. I had a strange feeling everything I held dear was about to collide.

  There were times I thought we could really do this – forge a real relationship built on honesty and trust. Like when I’d been neck deep in bubbles last night, feeling pampered and cherished. Other times, like this moment sitting in sex addicts anonymous, or when Knox hadn’t returned my I love you I realized I was living in a fantasy land and that this relationship had far more complications than I gave it credit for.

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  As the weeks passed, I became less and less sure about what I was doing. My life was spinning out of control further by the day. It made me miss my mother and her pragmatic advice more than ever. I was falling deeper and deeper for a man with an inability to love me back and my weekly group sessions were becoming something I dreaded. They were heavy and intense and I felt like a complete hypocrite.

  Everything I did felt like a burden I could just barely carry the weight of and by the end of the day, I collapsed heavily into bed alone, my chest an aching hole. I thought I could do it, be with Knox on his terms, wait for him to come around and continue leading SAA, but I was quickly beginning to realize it was too much for me. I was emotionally invested in both – loving Knox and helping with his recovery – and I didn’t even know where we stood.

  I’d kept myself busy with work and volunteering in an attempt to give him a bit of space. I’d met up with Amanda a few times and we’d been scouring resale shops for pink baby clothes. Even Knox’s neighbor Nikki had helped out – sending a big bag of Bailee’s old clothes home with me for Amanda. But none of my distractions helped. I was consumed by my growing love for Knox and the undeniable guilt about the relationship we were carrying on.

  Knox was picking me up from my apartment tonight since he’d become increasingly difficult about me taking the bus. I had my backpack slung over my shoulder with pajamas, a few toiletries, and clothes for tomorrow since heaven forbid I leave a few things over at his place. I didn’t want to freak him out. I was sharing his bed, but I knew I wasn’t occupying the space I really wanted to – his heart.

  Brian watched me from the corner of his eye, disapproval written all over his face.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I murmured, stuffing my keys in my coat pocket.

  “That lawyer called again.”

  Crap. I chewed on my lip, avoiding his eyes.

  “You ever gonna deal with that?” he asked.

  Not if I don’t have to. “I will, Bri. Soon,” I promised. Spotting the headlights of Knox’s Jeep from the front window, I headed out the door.

  “Hi,” I murmured, climbing inside the darkened interior of the Jeep. The scent of warm leather and Knox’s unique masculine scent of sandalwood washed over me and calmed me in an instant. Maybe things would all work out. I just needed to have patience.

  “Hi, beautiful.” He kissed my forehead before pulling out onto the road. “The guys have missed you.”

  Reading between the lines, I wondered if he had missed me and that was his way of letting me know. I craved his affection, craved honesty and realness from him, but I sensed he was still holding himself back from me. “I missed them, too.”

  When we arrived home I was accosted by Tucker, who seemed to grow an inch every time I saw him. “Hey buddy.” I rumpled his hair. “How’s school?”

  “Good. Will you read to me tonight?”

  “Sure.” Casting a quick glance at Knox, I let Tucker take my hand and pull me upstairs to his bedroom.

  After three books and a sleepy goodnight hug, I pulled the blankets up around Tucker and met Knox in his attic bedroom. He was sprawled out across his bed with his sketchbook balanced on his chest. “Tucker get settled in okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, he’s out cold.”

  He studied me for a second, watching the way I stood in the center of his bedroom, my eyes sweeping over the room. “What’s on your mind?” he asked, patting the bed bedside him.

  Take your pick. That letter I’d yet to open from the lawyer in Indiana concerning my parents’ estate, Knox’s failure to fully commit, my guilt over sleeping with a sex addict in recovery, or Brian’s recent admission that he wanted to be with me. I felt dizzy just thinking about it all.

  I couldn’t dump all of that on Knox right now. Releasing a heavy sigh, I decided to tell him the least painful part. “Brian asked a few weeks ago if he had a shot with me. He said it’s what my parents would have wanted.”

  “And what did you say?” His face was impassive, but I hoped that maybe this would push him into action. I wasn’t going to be happy with our arrangement forever. I wanted a real commitment, love, a relationship that I knew could eventually grow into something more.

  “I couldn’t say anything. My parents loved him.”

  “I see.” I wondered if that was a twinge of disappointment or fear that flashed in his chocolate brown eyes. Before I could decide, his expression had turned stoic.

  With Knox’s cool demeanor – he was neither pushing me away, nor drawing me closer. I wondered if it was time to go back to Indiana and deal with my past once and for all.

  “I don’t know what this is, but you know how I feel about you, right?” I asked.

  He nodded, but gave me no indication he shared those feelings. I wanted to push him for answers – to ask him to explain – but I feared hearing his answer, so instead I sat on his bed, quietly picking at the hem of my sweater.

  “Tell me what else is on your mind. There’s something more than just Brian’s infatuation bugging you.”

  “This is too much for me. I thought I could do it – be with you and lead SAA, but I can’t.” The heavy sigh weighing on my chest ripped free. “I’m emotionally invested in both and I don’t even know where we stand.”

  “That’s fair,” he said quietly, looking down at his sketchbook.

  I hated how calm and cool he was about it all. What did he mean? What was happening to us? Whoever said sex changed everything between a man and a woman was right.

  “I need to go back to Indiana. There’s something I need to take care of. And I’m going to ask Brian to come with me.”

  He nodded. Piercing brown eyes gazed up at me, making my chest ache. “When are you leaving?”

  I shrugged. I hadn’t talked to Bri yet – with this being a spur of the moment decision and all. “Probably around the holidays. I know his mom will want to see me.” With Christmas just a week away, it made sense.

  “You’re still staying over tonight
, right?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  “Of course I do. I’ll always want you here, McKenna.” His voice was so sincere and the look in his eyes was genuine, but I still felt like something was missing. I’d gotten him to open up and I’d convinced him to let me share his bed, but I hadn’t gotten what I really wanted – the real Knox, unedited and genuine. He was still holding part of himself back and that hurt more than I ever thought it would.

  I headed into the bathroom with my backpack, planning to brush my teeth and change clothes. Instead, I sank down on the toilet lid and silently cried.

  After I’d dried my tears, I cleaned myself up and emerged from the bathroom a short time later. I found Knox waiting for me in bed with just the soft glow of his bedside lamp to guide my way. I crawled into bed beside a man who owned my heart and made me dizzy with desire, yet offered me so little in return. Maybe this was some type of self-punishment I was putting myself through. Wouldn’t Brian be the easier choice? He’d love me unconditionally and without all this worry that kept my stomach in knots. But maybe that was just it. Anything worth having wasn’t going to come easily. I knew without a shadow of a doubt I’d fallen in love with Knox, and I hoped me heading home to Indiana would give him some time to think about what he wanted.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Knox

  I was losing her. And that couldn’t happen. With desperation, I dragged her across the bed and positioned her beneath me, kissing her hard until I felt her respond, her tongue sliding against mine, her legs parting to let me press closer. I hated that this felt like goodbye and I was using the only coping mechanism I had – sex. But I couldn’t open myself up for love again and be crushed in the process. This was what I had to offer and while I wondered if McKenna could accept that, her body seemed to be on board.

  Her dancing around her talk with Brian and taking off for home meant one thing. She was keeping her options open just in case I fucked up again. She would need someone to fall back on, and Brian was her backup plan. I couldn’t fuck up again or I’d send her straight into his arms for comfort. The realization terrified me. Because while I might be holding it all together right now, there were no guarantees that I’d remain on this path. And if McKenna was set on going home, I would show her exactly what she’d be missing.

  I might not be able to tell her I loved her, but I could make her feel good. Moving from her eager mouth to her throat, my lips pressed against her pulse point, feeling her heart riot in response. Planting damp kisses and peppering her with gentle bites, I worked my way lower, removing her T-shirt to reveal her ample chest. I wasn’t capable of going slow just now and McKenna’s writhing, whimpering responses told me she was okay with that. I nibbled at the skin between her breasts, pushing them together and feasting on them greedily. I loved her tits. The way they rose and fell dramatically with her breaths, the moans that would escape her when I flicked my tongue across their peaks…she made me rock hard from her taste and scent alone, and then add in the sounds she made and I was done.

  Pushing her pajama bottoms and panties down her legs, I positioned myself on top of her. I was rougher, more demanding than last time and I wasn’t sure if it was my fear taking over or just that the need for her was consuming me from the inside out. Finding her wet and ready, I sheathed myself in a condom and took her roughly, plunging into her again and again until I felt her give way and I was buried to the hilt.

  I pressed my face into her neck, needing to breath in her scent, needing to know it was just her and me. “Christ, angel, you feel like a hot little sleeve squeezing me.”

  “Knox….” She moaned out my name long and low and tightened her grip around me. Her nails scratched into my shoulders, but I appreciated the pain. That way I knew this moment with her was real. I pounded into her, again and again, taking from her. Taking every bit of emotion she made me feel and using it as fuel.

  She had embedded herself into my life, made me need her. I'd never needed a woman the way I needed McKenna. Her bright smile. Her giving nature. The sound of her laughter, the curse words she made up when she was playing video games with my brothers. She held complete power over me and that scared the shit out of me. I hated the idea of letting her go away with Brian, but saw no other choice.

  Sex used to make me feel in control, but this was anything but controlled and organized. McKenna tore through all my layers, refusing to submit. She was an active participant, encouraging, panting, angling our bodies to drive me deeper, and hell if I wanted to stop her.

  Soon I was fighting off the inevitable climax I could feel building at the base of my spine and I focused on bringing McKenna to the edge. I wanted her helpless and sobbing my name. Spreading her knees wider, I slowed my pace, dragging my length in and out of her slowly while simultaneously rubbing her clit over and over with the slick juices between us. Her eyes slammed closed and she groaned.

  “Open them, angel.”

  Hazy blue eyes struggled to focus on mine and I continued rocking into her at my languid pace until she found my gaze.

  “Be a good girl and don’t come until I do.”

  Her eyes widened and she let out a soft whimper. I pumped into her hard and fast, slamming my cock into her warmth until my balls tightened against my body and pleasure was ricocheting through my bloodstream. I pulled out of her at the last moment, tearing off the condom and coming all over her tight little pussy. I marked her swollen pink flesh, using my cock to rub my semen against her clit. McKenna moaned out loud, watching as I pleasured her.

  I brought her fingertips to her belly where some of my fluid remained. “Touch your nipples.”

  She obeyed, taking her breasts in her hands and using the moisture to rub her nipples. Watching her touch her breasts while I pleasured her was the most erotic sight. I rubbed her clit with the head of my cock, using the stimulation to bring her to orgasm. “Come for me, angel.”

  Her climax hit her hard. Her hips bucked off the bed and her nails bit into my thighs as tremors passed through her shuddering form.

  We lay together for a long while, our bodies slick with sweat and sex, but neither of us caring. My cock softened and the evidence of our lovemaking dried long before I was ready to move. This felt like goodbye and I hated the idea of letting her go off alone and deal with her past, including whatever it was she needed to explore with Brian. I climbed from bed and while the water heated for the shower, I delivered a damp cloth to McKenna to clean to herself. Neither of us spoke a single word. Shit, we even avoided eye contact while we cleaned ourselves up and dressed for bed, crawling between the sheets a short while later. I wasn’t sure what had changed, but I knew something had. McKenna had a choice to make on her trip home and I had to decide – if she came back to me – how to fully let her in.

  Chapter Sixteen

  McKenna

  The events of last night had me reeling and the harsh light of morning did nothing to bring clarity. When I’d told Knox about Brian’s advances and that I needed to go home, he’d been so indifferent. But then he’d taken me to his bed – our lovemaking rough and passionate. I couldn’t help but wonder if that was his way of letting me go.

  Last night had been so intense, so unexpected. Feeling him mark me with his hot semen made me crave him even more. Everything about Knox was addicting – from the way he took charge of my body and my pleasure to the way he commanded my heart.

  I climbed from bed while he slept, hauling my backpack to the bathroom to wash up and change. When I returned to his bedroom, I wondered how I would wake him, how I could possibly say goodbye, but the bed was now empty. The messy blankets were the only evidence of our night spent together. But finding him missing wasn’t what stopped me dead in my tracks. On the window beside his bed I saw three little words written with a fingertip on the frosty pane of glass. I love you.

  Knox has left me a message, something he wasn’t capable of telling me out loud.

  I sunk down on the mattress, trying to process what this
meant – why he’d left this for me to see and then fled the room. I wanted to run down the stairs, find him, and throw myself into his arms. But as I sat there staring at the words fading into the glass, I started to become angry.

  I’d given him my virginity, my complete trust, I’d told him I loved him. I’d cared for him and his brothers when they were sick and I’d risked my entire career. And for what? A man who seemed so indifferent to me leaving? Who didn’t even possess the courage to say back to me what I’d already told him weeks ago?

  Feeling crushed, I glanced up one last time, and saw the words had faded into nothing. They were gone. Not even a trace remained. If Knox had really wanted me to see this…why would he have written it somewhere so fleeting?

  I grabbed my backpack and headed downstairs. All four of the Bauer boys were in the kitchen, fixing breakfast while Knox fiddled with the coffee pot. He took his time, adding the filter and coffee to the machine, then crossing the room to add water to the carafe. Was he avoiding me?

  “I’m gonna head out. Have a good day at school, boys.” Three sets of warm brown eyes turned to mine while Knox focused on his task with a deep crease etched across his forehead. “Bye, Knox.” I forced the words from my mouth when all I wanted to do was go to him.

  “Bye, McKenna,” he said softly, refusing to even glance my way.

  Okay, then. I wouldn’t build up our relationship in my mind into something it wasn’t. He wasn’t ready and only time would tell if he ever would be.

  Chapter Seventeen

  McKenna

  “You about ready, McKenna?” Brian called from the living room several days later.