When I Surrender

by Kendall Ryan

  “Just about. My suitcase weighs a metric ton!” I tugged the unwieldy thing unsuccessfully across my room. I knew he wanted to be on the road early this morning and the main hold up was me.

  “Here. Let me get it.” Brian easily lifted the suitcase from the floor and towed it to the foyer. “Geez, you pack enough?” He chuckled.

  Seriously, that bag had to weigh fifty pounds. But I didn’t know how long I’d be gone. This time I was going to take care of my parents’ matters once and for all. No more having my past hanging over my head. When I came back to Chicago, it would be with all the skeletons in my closet cleared out so I could finally move forward. At least that was my goal.

  ---

  Being back in my small home town and back in the guest room at Brian’s parents’ house felt strange. I expected it to feel safe and comfortable, but it was anything but. I felt oddly out of place, like I was trying to squeeze myself into a spot I no longer fit. And if I had to hear Brian’s mom Patty ask me one more time how I was doing or tell me that I’d gotten too thin, I was going to scream. But it was Christmas Eve, so I was trying to be calm and put on my happy face for the sake of the holidays.

  I was getting ready for the annual Christmas party Brian’s family threw every year when I heard a knock at the bedroom door. Glancing down at my robe covered body, I quickly made sure all the important stuff was covered, then answered the door. “Hi, Bri.”

  He was dressed in khakis and the God-awful Christmas sweater his mom had made for him when he was in high school. It looked itchy and uncomfortable – not to mention hilarious. He was a grown man with red and green reindeer dancing across his chest and stomach.

  “Don’t say anything,” he warned me, fighting off a smile.

  I patted his shoulder. “You’re a good son.”

  “Consider yourself lucky she didn’t make you one of these things. When I told her you were coming home, there was talk of patchwork poinsettias in gold and red.”

  “Wow, I guess I dodged a bullet.” It was nice – whatever this was – happening between Brian and me. It felt like old times.

  “You sure you’re okay with tonight?”

  “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

  He shrugged. “There’ll be a lot of people you haven’t seen in a while. If that’s going to make you uncomfortable, you don’t have to come.”

  Releasing a heavy sigh, I considered my options. Though I wasn’t particularly excited about the party, sitting alone in my room sounded even more miserable. “And what would I do instead, hide out up here?”

  “No. You and I would go out and do our own thing – catch a movie or something.”

  His offer was sweet, but no, I could handle this. I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be fine.”

  He smiled at me, a genuine heart-warming smile that put me at ease. “Okay. Choice is yours. If tonight gets to be too much, just say the word and we’re gone.”

  As nice as it was knowing I had options, I needed to do this – if only to prove to myself that I could. “I’m good. Just don’t leave me alone with Jimmy Shane. You remember how grabby he was in high school?”

  “He tries to touch you and I can promise I’ll remove every finger from his hand.” He grinned. “Well, I just stopped by to see if you needed anything from the store…my mom’s sending me out for more eggnog before the party starts.”

  “Nope, I’m good. I just need to finish getting ready.”

  “Okay, see you soon then.”

  ---

  When a police officer stood at the front door an hour later, his face ashen and grim, my stomach plummeted to my toes. It was eerily similar to that fateful day two policemen had shown up at my door and told me about my parents. All those horrible feelings came rushing straight back. I gripped the arm of the man standing next to me, not caring in the slightest that it was Jimmy Shane.

  I watched in slow motion as Brian’s parents, Patty and Dave, stepped into the hallway with the cop. When Patty broke out in a loud sob and buried her face against her husband’s chest, I crumpled into a ball, collapsing onto the floor. Something had happened to Brian.

  The room around me spun, tilting and pitching violently. The police officer left, Dave got Patty settled on the couch, and then made some type of announcement. The blood rushing in my ears blocked out what was said. Or maybe I just wasn’t ready to know yet. Party-goers began to filter out. I remained frozen to the spot I’d claimed on the living room carpet, too afraid to move, unable to think.

  When Dave lifted me to my feet a short time later, I struggled to make sense of his words. The roads had been icy. Brian was in a car accident. He was at Mercy West in critical condition. He handed me my coat and was waiting for me to respond.

  “Are you coming with us?”

  Brian was alive? “Of course.”

  We piled into the car, my nerves completely shot. Even though Brian was alive, I couldn’t let myself breathe just yet. My dad had survived his accident for two days in critical condition before the blood hemorrhage in his brain ended his life. And I knew Patty and Dave were probably thinking the same thing. They’d stayed by my side through it all, sleeping in hospital waiting rooms and eating out of vending machines right alongside me. It was only fitting that I be here now with them in their darkest hour. Hugging my arms around myself for warmth in the backseat, I watched as they held hands on the center console – gripping each other tightly. I felt scared and alone.

  ---

  Brian looked worse than I expected. And even though I’d been down this road before, nothing could adequately prepare you to see someone you care about pale and broken in a hospital bed, punctured with tubes and hooked up to machines beeping about God knows what. But for his parents’ sake, I tried to be the calm one and hold it together while they cried over his limp and battered body.

  He had lacerations on his face and head from flying glass, a punctured lung when the airbag deployed after he’d struck the lamppost, a concussion and a leg broken in three spots. But he was stable and assuming he did well over the next couple days, he’d be downgraded from critical to serious condition. The doctors were taking every safety precaution, but believed Brian would pull through.

  The next day was a blur – but in an all too familiar way. The constant worry and stress, the sterile hospital air, a stiff neck from sleeping in an uncomfortable chair, and the dark circles lining my eyes were all too familiar.

  In the chaos of it all, I’d somehow forgotten it was Christmas Day. I thought of Knox and the boys and missed them with every ounce of my being. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up tight in Knox’s strong arms and tucked safely away from all this heartache. But I supposed being near him brought a different kind of heartache. I wondered what they were doing today…if they had a Christmas tree in the living room with wrapped presents underneath, or if they were working together to make a big dinner later.

  I looked up to see Dave dozing quietly in a chair beside Brian’s bed and Patty flipping through a magazine for the twelfth time. “I’m going to go make a quick phone call,” I whispered to Patty. “You want another cup of coffee?”

  “Sure, hon, that’d be great.”

  It was all she’d eaten or drank since we’d arrived here yesterday.

  Stepping into the hallway, I took a moment to gather myself. I had no idea what to expect calling Knox. We hadn’t talked in eight long days. Not since he’d so thoroughly claimed my body and then let me walk away without a backward glance.

  I leaned against the wall for support, drawing deep breaths as I dialed his number.

  “McKenna….” he answered on the first ring.

  The rough sound of his voice brought a thousand memories rushing back. “Hi.”

  “Are you still in Indiana?” he asked.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yeah.”

  “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

  I should have known he’d hear it in my voice. He knew me too well. “Oh God, Knox
….” Tears sprang to my eyes and the tightness in my chest threatened to close my throat. “It’s Brian…I don’t know what to do….”

  “Christ, what’s he done now?” he barked.

  “No, nothing…he was in a car accident. I’m at the hospital. I slept here last night with his parents.”

  “You weren’t in the car with him, were you?”

  “No. I was at his parents’ house when it happened.”

  “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath. “Is he okay?”

  “I – I don’t know yet.” My voice broke and I chocked on my words, tears freely streaming down both cheek. It was the first time I’d cried since I’d found out about the accident. I’d held it together in front of his parents and the parade of doctors and nurses, but somehow the comforting familiar sound of Knox’s deep voice sent me over the edge.

  Knox waited while I sobbed, fighting for breath, never once rushing me. “He was banged up pretty bad, but they’ve repaired his lung and his leg, so as long as the concussion didn’t do any damage, he should be okay.”

  “Breathe for me, angel. It’ll be okay.”

  I drew a deep breath, struggling to regain my composure. The busy nurses and hospital staff shuffling past paid me little attention. Apparently a girl crying uncontrollably in the hallway was a normal occurrence. I forced myself to maintain my hard-won sense of self-control, focusing on the sound of Knox’s steady breaths to calm me.

  “I’m sorry….” I whispered.

  “Don’t apologize. Are you all right?”

  “I think so. I just hate being back in this hospital, and I hate feeling so helpless. I mean, this is Bri…we’ve been inseparable since first grade.”

  “Hang in there, okay?”

  I nodded and then smiled, realizing he couldn’t see me. “I’ll try.”

  “So I know it’s the wrong time to ask, but the guys miss you. Any idea when you’ll be coming back?”

  “No clue. I’ve taken a leave from work. I want to be here for Brian, ya know?” I had requested one because I wasn’t sure how long all of this would take, and now with the accident, I was even less certain.

  “Understood.”

  Was that sadness in his voice? “He was there for me when, you know, so I should be here for him and his parents.”

  “Of course. I get it, McKenna. You guys have a past and he’s been in an accident. It makes sense you’d want to be by his side.”

  “Yeah.” I shuffled my feet, trying to think of something else to say. I wasn’t done hearing his voice.

  “Merry Christmas, angel,” he whispered.

  I’d forgotten that was the reason I’d called in the first place. “Merry Christmas,” I whispered back. “What are you guys up to today?”

  “Nikki and the baby came over for a little bit. Tucker had gotten Bailee a gift. And now we’re getting ready to head out. We’re actually going to the soup kitchen to volunteer. We’re cooking Christmas dinner for those with nowhere else to go today.”

  My throat felt tight again. “Knox…that’s amazing.”

  “Yeah, well, there’s this certain girl who sort of changed my way of thinking about things. Jax complained a little bit, but I think it’ll be really good for the guys.”

  “I’m proud of you.” I had to physically force myself not to say I love you. I loved him with my whole heart, but I couldn’t stand the thought of being so vulnerable and hearing silence again. Little by little he was changing and growing into the man I always knew he could be. “I guess I should go. Brian’s mom is waiting on me.”

  “Take care of yourself, McKenna.”

  “Bye, Knox.”

  I hung up the phone and cried like a baby.

  When I’d finally composed myself, I ventured downstairs to the hospital cafeteria and got the cup of coffee I’d promised Patty. When I returned to Brian’s room I found Patty sitting in the arm chair beside the bed, but Dave was gone.

  “He went home to get a change of clothes for us. He’ll be back in a little bit and you can borrow the car if you want to go home to shower or change,” she informed me.

  “Okay, thanks.” A shower sounded heavenly, but I didn’t want to leave on the chance that Brian woke up.

  Patty hung her head in her hands, her expression pure agony. “I just keep thinking what if I hadn’t sent him out, I knew the roads were icy…all over a carton of eggnog….” Her voice broke as she sobbed into her hands.

  “Patty….” I crossed the room and stood beside her, placing one hand on her shoulder. “This isn’t your fault. Accidents happen.” In that moment, my clarity couldn’t have been more apparent if I’d been struck by lightning. Seeing Patty’s anguish and guilt made me feel so foolish for holding onto my own guilt for all these years. My parents’ accident wasn’t my fault. What I’d said to her was true. Accidents happened. They happened to good people and sometimes no one was to blame. Though I supposed that wasn’t entirely true. In my parents’ case. The drunk driver who’d taken their lives was very much to blame. “Shh, it’s gonna be okay. Brian’s gonna pull through.” I continued rubbing her back, soothing her as best as could, but inside, my thoughts were swirling. My realization changed everything. I felt freer and more aware in an instant – more grown up. Little by little, I felt the dark shame I stored inside me slipping away.

  My adolescent mind at seventeen wasn’t mature enough to handle their deaths. I’d needed someone to blame – and I’d punished myself. But the twenty-one year old me was seeing things clearly for the first time and the results were astounding. Despite the horrible circumstances of the moment, I felt more in control than ever. We would all be okay. Once Brian was healthy, I would go back to Chicago and try to fix things with Knox. We were grown up enough to have a conversation about the scary L word. He either loved me and wanted to be with me, or he didn’t. And I would have to accept his decision and move forward with my life once and for all.

  Chapter Eighteen

  McKenna

  As the days turned to weeks, Brian’s recovery progressed quickly and I had no choice but to finally face my fears. I’d set up an appointment and visited the lawyer earlier that day. I was still trying to process the shocking truth of it all as I sat quietly at my parents’ gravestones.

  I’d known that between their insurance policies, pension plans, and the sale of our house I’d been left a significant chunk of money, I just hadn’t expected it to affect me so much. It felt so final walking out of the lawyer’s office with a large check in my hands. It was a life-changing amount of money and just as I was starting to get things figured out in my own head, I knew it was going to change everything. It would change where I lived, how Knox viewed me…even what I did for a living if I chose… and unease churned inside me. I wasn’t good at change.

  Knox and I continued talking every few days – surface level stuff – he’d fill me in on the boys and I’d give him Brian’s progress report. We never talked about us. I never told him how I missed him with every ounce of my being, and he felt more distant than ever. As hard as it was to imagine, I wondered if he’d slipped back into his old ways.

  I was planning to return to Chicago while Brian stayed behind for physical therapy for his leg. No longer living on a few dollars a day meant I could rent a car and drive myself home.

  I huddled into my coat as the chilly air swirled loose strands of hair around my face. The bitter temperature and icy barren ground matched the somber tone of this reunion with my parents. I tucked my mitten-covered hands into my pockets as I filled them in on Brian. I talked out loud, the sound of my voice my only company. As I told them about the events of the past few weeks, I realized that my parents had liked Brian and viewed him as a good match for me because he’d always treated me well and protected me. Knox protected and took care of those he loved, too. And he made me happy. At the end of the day, my parents would have wanted me to be happy. It wasn’t lost on me that my lack of attraction to Brian was because there was nothing to fix. He was a per
fectly nice, well-adjusted man from a normal, nice family. But it didn’t matter the reasons – the attraction wasn’t there and it never would be. I had to believe my parents would have accepted that.

  Knox had been right about one thing – one day I would forgive myself and move on. Today had proven I was capable of that, in small doses. But he’d been wrong about himself not fitting into my life. Being near Brian produced no spark, no electricity, and I missed the warmth that Knox created in me. I knew that by the end of this week, I’d be more than ready to get back. I was even considering changing up my punishing routine – volunteering fewer hours a week, taking more time to take care of myself and enjoy the little things in life. If I’d learned only one thing on this trip, it was that life was short and could be ripped from you at any moment.

  I was also starting to feel guilty for not acknowledging his handwritten I love you message left on the window for me. He was still healing and that was his way of trying. I needed to acknowledge his efforts and progress, not act like a spoiled child who needed everything her way.

  If my parents were really out there somewhere listening to this, I wanted to think they’d understand that Brian would always be a constant reminder of what I’d lost. Brian was my past. Knox was my future.

  Digging my cell phone out of my coat pocket, I dialed Knox.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Knox

  Seeing McKenna’s name flash on my phone made me ridiculously fucking happy. I rounded the service counter at the hardware store where I was working and headed for the stockroom, tossing the pair of pliers I was supposed to be price checking onto a shelf. The customer would have to wait.

  I ducked into the dusty stockroom and closed the door behind me. “Hey, angel.”

  “Hi,” she returned, her voice whisper-soft.

  “Everything okay over there? Brian?” As much as saying his name grated against my nerves, the guy had gotten pretty messed up in that accident, so I didn’t want to be a complete asshole and not ask how he was doing. Still, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me insane with jealousy that McKenna had put her entire life on hold – put us on hold – to tend to him and stick by his side. I couldn’t help but feel she’d chosen him over me.