Shampoo

by Karina Almeroth

  Ever said it over and over, practically begged me

  (was so hot)

  “Give me one more chance. Just one more chance, woman.”

  Oh, it tore my heart in two! He sounded so hot, and upset! And him being upset over me was even hotter!!

  I don’t know! I kept crying that too – “I don’t know!”

  I don’t want to get hurt again. And I don’t want to hurt Matt.

  Matt has suddenly become this PRIORITY to me. Sucks!!

  Friday 15 December 2000

  2.22pm

  Officially on holidays!! Woot woot!!

  And too sick to move.

  My cough’s better today

  (liquid codeine is my friend…my BEST friend),

  but I still feel like shit.

  Tee visited late yesterday arvo, and brought me a container of her handmade brownies.

  Oh God, they’re so good…eating one now in bed. Crumbs everywhere.

  She’s so sweet to me.

  We watched ‘Never Been Kissed’ together, draped over my bed.

  Ever rang at 5.30

  (that, too, is a change for him and his OCD ways),

  and it went like this:

  “Hello?”

  “Dan there?”

  “Nope.” I had to bestill my out of control beating heart, cause I did not want to be hurt by him. Him ignoring me and asking for Dan would normally send me screeching and wailing. I just wanted to get through this phone call with him, calm and zen-like.

  (for once!!)

  “So…how are you?” he asked.

  “Fine.” I was giving him NOTHING. Nothing, I tell ya!!

  “You sound sick again.”

  “I am.”

  Awkward, giant, ROOM FILLED pause. I could practically FEEL how surprised he was by my monosyl replies and tone. I’ve never talked to him like that before.

  (how does it fucking feel, Everard!!!! Feels pretty shitty, doesn’t it!!)

  I could tell he was shocked I wasn’t yipping away at him. And that was eating away at HIM.

  (if I’d known that works, I would have tried that a long time ago)

  “Just tell Clewsy I called,” he finally said, sounding so put out.

  (ha ha!! Suck it!)

  “Okay.” I hung up.

  Then I ran back into bed, laughing and squealing. Tee shook her head at me. “You’re learning,” she said.

  “Did you hear that?? Did you hear how rude I was? I’ve NEVER been like that with him before – ”

  “I heard.”

  “Ahhhh, that was BRILLIANT!!”

  Tee and I’s eyes widened as the phone rang again. We both knew it was him.

  “Oh, he loves you so much…” Tee laughed, while I was running for the phone, squealing.

  “Hello?”

  “Maybe I should ring back for Clews…” Ever trailed off.

  (oh God, I’ve discovered I love this uncertain Ever)

  “That’ll be easier, hey?”

  “Whatever floats your boat, Everard.”

  “So how are you?”

  “Sick.”

  “Yes, I think we’ve covered that…”

  “There’s a lot of sick to cover.”

  “You need to take better care of yourself – ”

  “Oh, don’t give me that CRAP, Ever!” I snapped. The pink beast was loose.

  “What crap?” He sounded relieved. The girl he knew

  (and loved??)

  was back.

  “The boyfriend crap. It doesn’t become you.”

  “Don’t use big words on me. I’m just a lowly warehouse worker – ”

  “Hiding Donald Trump.”

  Ever laughed. He sounded relaxed now. “So how have you been?”

  “You know how I’ve been, Everard.”

  “No, I really don’t – ”

  “Calling might have helped clue you in.” A pause. “I’ve been devastated.”

  “That’s not what I hear.”

  “What do you hear?” Damn Dan.

  “That you’re with Matt, EVERY SECOND – ” Bless Dan.

  “Like I said, Ever, don’t go all boyfriend on me now – ”

  “Right, right. It doesn’t become me.” He paused. “How was your weekend last weekend?”

  My invisible Girl Antennae shot up. The weekend he slept in my bed while I was away. Why is he interested in last weekend??

  Matt.

  “Fine, fine.”

  “I hear you stayed with Joy – ”That gave me a heartstart right there. Yeah, I’ve talked about Joy with Ever, but he’s never once repeated back any of my friends’ names. He was showing exceptional interest in my life all of a sudden.

  Was so hot!!!

  “Yessssss,” I replied, meaning, get on with it.

  I knew it was coming.

  “ – and you stayed at Matt’s…” He left it open, like a question.

  He wanted confirmation.

  “Yep,” I replied, like this was beneath me.

  (it kinda is)

  (but ohhhh, I want to make him pay, so bad. I want him crying on a floor somewhere. Like he’s done to me for six months)

  Hope was beginning to flare in me, though, that he cares.

  “So you did stay at Matt’s?” He sounded surprised.

  “Yes, Evvy.”

  “Why, what did you do?”

  “Just had dinner, went to the pub with his mates.”

  I swear I could HEAR the audible gulp from Ever. “I SEE…”

  (no, Everard, you really don’t)

  “That must have been, AHEM, nice for you,” he continued.

  “It was.”

  “Where’d you sleep?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Where’d you sleep? His bed, the floor – ”

  “The FLOOR??”

  “Well, you do like to get drunk – ”

  “I don’t NEED to get drunk around Matt – ”

  (hmm. Was that true?? Feels significant)

  “Is that right?” He was all snide now.

  (even his snide tone is still sexy. I could listen to Ever’s voice all day long. I love his voice)

  “Yep-pah.”

  “Did he kiss you?”

  “Oh my God – ”

  “DID HE??”

  “Will you stop!!”

  “I just want to know – ”

  “Well I’m not telling – ”

  “So he DID kiss you –”

  “NO! Everard, he didn’t.”

  Sigh of relief by Evvy. “Did you sleep with him?”

  “I don’t know how YOU make love, Ever, but it’s pretty hard to sleep with someone without kissing them.”

  “You KNOW how I make love, woman.” Oh God, his sexy growl reply was my undoing. I went weak at the knees and collapsed on the floor. “Did you sleep with him, Karina?”

  “You’ll never know, Everard.” Ha! Ha ha ha ha fucking ha! He so deserves this.

  “I’m not playing, woman – ”

  “Neither am I, EVERARD.”

  “Ugh. You’re so FUCKING INFURIATING – ”

  “What do you care anyway, Ever? We’re over,

  remember – ”

  “I care, okay? I CARE.”

  I snorted. “Pfft. That’s some fucking joke – ”

  “Are you not listening, woman? I CARE. I FUCKING CARE!! Are you HAPPY NOW??” he started yelling. “EVERY BODY, I CARE!!! I just shouted it out my window! HEY, YOU OVER THERE!! I FUCKING CARE!!!”

  “Alright, alright. Calm down. Don’t get your knickers in a knot.”

  (I was like HIGH on his yells of caring. So fucking high)

  “Please don’t talk about knickers, woman – ”

  “Why not?”

  “Cause all I can think about is yours. Pink. Lacy.” He made a groaning noise.

  “Ever – ”

  “I care, woman.”

  “I heard you. Whether I believe you is another thing – ”

  “Keep seeing
me.”

  “What?”

  “Keep seeing me, woman.”

  “Define ‘seeing.’”

  “How it was – ”

  “No deal.”

  “ – but MORE.”

  “More how?”

  “I’ll do more things, I’ll be more boyfriendy – ”

  “Ha!”

  “I’ll do it all – ”

  “Ever, you’re not capable of it – ”

  “I am! I am!! Just give me another chance – ”

  We went round and round in circles for ages.

  Tee finally stepped over me, waved goodbye, whispered to me I needed privacy for Evvy’s big Love Declaration.

  “I want to keep seeing you, just not as full on as you want it, but give me time – ”

  “Just admit you don’t want to be a boyfriend, Everard, and be fucking done with it!”

  “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!” he suddenly yelled.

  (I hate how I find him sexy, even when he yells)

  “I want it proper, or that’s it.”

  “I WANT to see you, just not full on – ”

  “That’s not GOOD ENOUGH, Evvy!”

  “What WOULD be good enough?? A fucking marriage proposal?”

  “It’d be a start,” I replied calmly, while my heart frolicked like it was at the beach.

  “How about my blood? Would you like that, too?”

  “You’re being AWFULLY dramatic tonight, Everard, and girl like – ”

  Ever let out a frustrated growl. “You’re KILLING ME, Karina!!!”

  “Good! Now you know how it FUCKING FEELS!”

  “It feels like SHIT. I don’t like it.”

  “Welcome to my world, Everard.”

  “I want to BE in your world.”

  “No you fucking don’t! Not properly!!”

  And we were off again. Shouting at each other and going round in circles.

  “You’re fucking stubborn, Karina – ”

  “Oh, I am?? You looked in a mirror lately, Ever??”

  “Take what I’m offering or leave it, woman – ”

  “I think I’ll leave it, thanks – ”

  (oh I am so brave now…especially with Matt standing in the wings, ready to step in and take over)

  “Ugh, I HATE THIS COCKY YOU, KARINA – ”

  “You prefer me crying on a floor somewhere, don’t you Evvy?”

  “No, but – ”

  “But NOTHING.”

  I handed the phone to Dan, who had just arrived with Nat, and was hovering right next to me, listening.

  Then my cocky toughness dissolved into tears. Nat tried to cheer me up.

  I pretended to be okay, and waited till Nat and Dan left to go late night shopping, sneakily checking out windows they HAD actually left, and Dan wasn’t coming back in for forgotten keys or something.

  Then I rang him back.

  It was like he had been waiting for me to do just that. Ever picked up, first ring.

  I needed a conclusion, I needed answers, I needed to know what the fuck to do.

  Ever or Matt.

  Ever immediately launched into loving mode.

  (he must be desperate to keep me)

  Like he knew this was his last chance. “I want to be with you, woman. I do care. I just have problems showing it.”

  “I’ve heard all this before, Everard!”

  He snapped then. “If you’re going to end it – ”

  “GOING TO? It’s been ENDED FOR QUITE SOME TIME – ”

  “ – then you can come fucking pick up the watch – ”

  “Since your FUCKING BIRTHDAY, you remember that night, YOU COMPLETE ASSHOLE – ”

  “I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING LOOK AT THIS WATCH, IF YOU’VE ENDED IT!!”

  I lost it then. I was too sick, I had a temperature, I was sweltering, and he was hurting me so bad. I fully flipped. I started yelling what an inconsiderate bastard he is. “I WANTED to spend that money on you!!” I screamed.

  “Yeah, well, it was STUPID OF YOU – ”

  “THAT’S NOT THE ONLY STUPID THING I’VE DONE LATELY!!!”

  “Trust me, I KNOW. Understatement OF THE YEAR!”

  “Oh, FUCK YOU, Ever!”

  “I’ve spent SIX MONTHS watching you do STUPID SHIT – ”

  “Oh, YOU’RE SUCH AN A HOLE WITH A BIG FUCKING A – ”

  “And you KNOW WHAT!! I FUCKING FALL FOR YOU MORE CAUSE OF ALL THE DUMB SHIT YOU DO!”

  “FUCK. YOU!!!!!” I hollered.

  (wait, he just said something VERY NICE)

  “I’D LIKE TO BE FUCKING YOU!!!” he screamed. “And I hate it,” he added, softer. “I hate wanting you this bad. I hate that other guys want you, too.”

  “You have NO RIGHT EVVY – ”

  “NO RIGHT?? I have NO RIGHTS NOW? No claim to you now?? After half a year of trying to be your boyfriend – ”

  “Replace TRYING with FUCKING UP as my BOYFRIEND – ”

  “Oh, YOU KNOW WHAT WOMAN?? FUCK YOU BACK!!”

  I slammed that phone down so hard in his fucking ear.

  He rang back immediately though. We just listened to each other making noises, him frustrated huffs and puffs in and out, me sobbing silently and sniffling.

  “Remember how it was at the beginning?” he finally said, softly. “How great it was??”

  I sighed. Deeply. “Yes. I remember.”

  “How affectionate I was? Like ALL the time? How I called all the time?”

  “I’m sure I don’t remember THAT – ”

  “And you were SO GREAT, so easy going and blasé about everything. You were great – ”

  “But I’m not now??!!”

  “Just listen, woman! I want you to be like that again. So I can be relaxed and calm, instead of pressured all the time – ”

  “You think that will solve everything?”

  “Yes. I do.” Pause. “You’re SO GREAT as a friend, Karina, but as a girlfriend…you kinda suck.”

  “HA! You’re not winning any awards either, buddy!”

  “But at the beginning…even now, I still glimpse it.”

  “Glimpse what?” His tone had fallen softer, so mine followed suit.

  “The you that is you. The real you, when you’re not letting your head be full of relationship this and relationship

  that – ”

  “Dr Everard.”

  “ – the real you is beautiful, Karina. Fun. So fucking fun I can barely stand it. Light. You make everybody happy,

  woman – ”

  “Except you, Ever.” I felt like crying again.

  He sighed. “I want to see more of THAT you. The relaxed, fun Karina.” Pause again. “Like I bet you’re showing Matt. Making him fall THE FUCK in love with you.”

  I was stumped. I didn’t want to BE this fun loving person, then reel them in and turn into some WITCH.

  Plenty more years to become a wife. I didn’t want to become one now.

  “Will you try? With me?”

  I found myself saying yes.

  Why? Why why why why why?

  Because I’m still in love with the fucker. That’s why.

  4.23pm

  Matt just rang. Oh my God, when I hear him, I crumble.

  I want him. I want him in a way I can’t even describe. Different to Evvy. I’m like a dog, picking up the scent of a bone.

  Cause I think Matt will be everything I’ve always wanted. Something tells me that, like deep down, primal, like an instinct.

  Yet I’m rallying against it for some reason.

  Matt would be a huge responsibility. A proper, real relationship would be a huge responsibility.

  I collapse from my social life. How would I deal with a real companion? With real love?

  I kind of shudder at the thought.

  So, last night, with Evvy. The convo ended with my replying yes to Evvy’s “Will you try?? With me?”

  (I love that he had to clarify with him)

  “So I’ll call you?”

&
nbsp; “Yes Evvy.”

  “Whose bed did you sleep in?”

  “Oh, not again – ”

  “I’m dead serious, woman. I want to know.”

  I wanted to tease him, but his voice was, like, deadly.

  (hot)

  “The spare bed.”

  “Good.” He sounded relieved.

  I think he may actually care.

  Great timing by him. Start caring now when it looks like it’s too fucking late.

  Saturday 16 December 2000

  5.14pm

  Just crawled into bed after a HUGE day with Tee. I have five minutes to lay here before I have to get up and get ready.

  I’m supposed to be at Matt’s by 6pm. No chance of that happening.

  I really need to get up, get ready, LIKE NOW, go get Matt, and get to Beth’s twenty-first.

  And I’m FUCKED.

  Today Tee and I took the girls (her little sisters) shopping, and to see Santa. We got THE best Santa photo of the 4 of us. It was fun, but I could feel myself getting sicker and sicker.

  I’m SO going to be late.

  And I’m freaking, cause Dan tells me Evvy is going to be staying here tonight!!

  Why me!!

  So instead of Matt staying, LIKE WE’D PLANNED, I’m going to have to drive Matt all the way home, cause NO WAY am I having Matt hurt, NO FUCKING WAY.

  I’ll hurt Ever over hurting Matt.

  Perhaps therein lies my answer.

  And it’ll be over something stupid too, like Ever sleeping in my bed and Matt and I returning from Beth’s party to find him passed out in my bed.

  Matt will know then. MATT WILL KNOW.

  He has boyfriend eyes and instincts already!! And we haven’t even kissed yet.

  I better go get ready.