Shampoo

by Karina Almeroth

  Matt has fallen into this too fucking quickly, and dragged me into it with him. He’s so bloody good at it, too.

  I’m in deep shit here.

  No guy has even THOUGHT about me with his mates before. I’m not this dumb.

  (am I??)

  Guys like Matt don’t exist anymore. None that have been on my radar before.

  I can’t let Matt go. I won’t.

  12.07am

  Been chatting to Melinda for like two hours. She needs me at the moment.

  Wednesday 20 December 2000

  9.24pm

  I’ve just been to Evvy’s. And I had a really good time. The first truly good time I’ve had with Ever in ages.

  But I refused to stay.

  Like it’s not cheating if I don’t stay the night?? I may not be exactly cheating, but I know it’s wrong. Matt and I have this unspoken agreement, that this is it. We’re together. Despite the fact we haven’t even kissed.

  Despite my stress and emotional overreactions, I somehow relaxed at Ever’s. I was just me. Like he wanted. We didn’t talk about anything, we just had fun together.

  Way too much fun for what I think might really be the end this time.

  All I could think about was Matt. And Evvy. My heart hurt for Matt, for Ever, for myself.

  And Ever was truly being the guy I completely fell for all those months ago. But it’s like too little, too late. Matt’s stepped in. Matt’s presence is there, even when he’s not.

  I’m carrying Matt around with me, everywhere I go.

  Damn it. Damn him!!

  Before I went to Evvy’s tonight, I brought Melinda flowers at her place. She loved them.

  So I got to Evvy’s, and his mum was so nice. She was hinting she hadn’t seen me for awhile, she’d wondered what happened to me.

  Ever and I just fell into our

  (when it’s easy)

  easy routine. We mucked around, had tickling and slapping fights

  (where I kept trying to slap him in the face and he’d catch my wrist right before I connected, then roll around with me laughing. Oh my God, we were SCREAMING in laughter, straddling each other, egging each other on, like “Give it your BEST SHOT, baby!” or “FUCKING OW! You slapped me!!”),

  he fell right off the bed at one stage

  (trying to avoid my face slap)

  and I laughed till I cried, we rolled around. We laughed and laughed and laughed.

  There’s a part of me that thinks I’ll always love Ever. He just let me go. Refused to let himself be fully there.

  I could tell Ever was so happy I was so relaxed, and in my precious ‘fun’ mood he seems to love so much. I think I was high on sickness, cause I could not stop laughing the entire time.

  He kept doing that thing he knows I love so much

  (and he hasn’t done SINCE THE BEGINNING),

  pretending to be asleep, and then twitching like Mark from Blink 182 in the videoclip for ‘Man Overboard.’

  I fucking love when he does that. I was laughing so hard. He knows that gets me, when he does that.

  He really does freakishly look like Mark from Blink.

  And that is why I stay: cause he looks like the guy from Blink.

  Was a relief to just laugh and relax with him.

  Then he stripped me naked

  (and I let him),

  and we made love, for ages, over and over again. It was dreamy, it was heavenly, I felt like I’d needed him for so long, but he just hasn’t been there. I kinda clung to him, and felt overwhelming love for him. Bittersweet love. Like I KNEW this was going to be the last time we ever made love to each other.

  (do I know? It always strangely feels neverending with Ever. It feels both over and just waiting for the next round. What an odd feeling)

  “You’re different tonight,” he murmured as he kissed me and rolled around the bed with me. “You’re you.”

  “So are you,” I whispered back against his mouth.

  “It’s fucking hot, whatever it is.”

  (it’s fucking too late for us, we fucked it, is what it is)

  Oh boy. That time with him really got me in the heart.

  (again)

  I love his kisses. I love when he’s loving.

  If only he’d kissed me enough. I wouldn’t be where I am now.

  About to be with Matt.

  Ever doesn’t deserve me, and I don’t deserve Matt.

  It’s a fucked up little love triangle.

  Thursday 21 December 2000

  1.22pm

  I’m in bed, dying. When will this sickness go away??

  Tee and I went shopping at Stones Corner and bought $5 skirts each. Tee bought me lunch at The Coffee Club there, and we had a girly pow wow.

  Matt’s rung. He’s back.

  I’m freaking out.

  Maybe Ever and I are more alike than I first realised?? He gives me my independence and freedom. Just too much of it.

  With Matt, I’m just one with him. Or will be.

  And I’m not sure I can be like that ever again. Lose myself, in a guy.

  I’ve just got myself back. I’ve just found myself again.

  (after all that blood. Blood everywhere. When will it ever stop flashing before my eyes?? The smell, too. Think I’m gonna be sick)

  I’ve just got myself back. To lose myself again…

  I’m terrified.

  Chapter 21

  MATT SWEEPS IN

  (LIKE A ROMANTIC HERO)

  Friday 22 December 2000

  5.54pm

  I got no rest yesterday. I spent like THE DAY on the phone: to Melinda, Pheebs, Joy, Lachie.

  Then Matt walked in at 3pm, and I took one look at him, and died.

  It’s like he fills the room when he walks in. When he walks anywhere near me.

  He just gave me this intense look, stalked over to me, and picked me up. I laughed, and he spun me around, his face buried in my hair.

  “I missed you.”

  “Me too.”

  Melissa and Julia turned up then, and I just laid on the couch, sweating and shivering everywhere.

  Actually, my head was in Matt’s lap the whole time. Sounds dirtier than it actually was.

  Matt kept stroking my hair, and going, “I’m really worried about you, Karina, you’re like sweating buckets!”

  Matt, the sweetie, drove Melissa and Julia into the city, and parked me in the front seat like some cripple.

  “You okay?” he asked me, worried.

  “Matt, I’m sick, not disabled.”

  “That’s debatable,” Jules cracked.

  “Ha ha, woman.” I started coughing and spluttering everywhere.

  “I go away for TWO DAYS and you start dying on me,” Matt laughed.

  We dropped the girls in, and soon as the car doors closed after them, Matt turned to me, reached his arm round the back of my seat, and said, “I want to spend the night.”

  “I thought you were already.”

  “I meant, in your bed.”

  “I want that, too, but I’m not ready.”

  “You’re sick. You’re not thinking straight,” Matt laughed. God, he was in such a great mood.

  I just felt a bit stressed. I mean, I HAD JUST FUCKING SLEPT WITH EVERARD.

  “Have you thought anymore about us?” he asked as he drove.

  “Are you kidding? It’s all I think about.”

  Matt loved that. “I’m all you think about? And you don’t think you’re ready?”

  “I KNOW I’m not ready. I’m TERRIFIED of starting a relationship. I thought it was what I wanted, but…”

  “But what?” Matt prodded.

  “But turns out I’m terrified of them.”

  “It won’t be terrifying, with me.”

  “Do you think you’re ready?”

  “Fuck yeah! Like, yesterday!”

  We spent the whole night laying on the couches together out in the lounge room, talking.

  Was beautiful.

  All thos
e times I’ve cried alone…through my back surgery, the violence, the men, the suicide attempt…Matt would have been there. He said it, and it’s not like when Evvy says things…

  When Matt says something, he means it.

  Saturday 23 December 2000

  3.26pm

  Tee came round last night, and we drank champagne together and got ready with Nat.

  Was a fun, girly moment! I love those moments!

  Then Tee, Nat and I cabbed it into the city, and met Matt and his mates in at Dicey’s, and my mates, Steve and Andy and Lisa and Lauren.

  (I haven’t seen them in so long!!! Was so good to see them again)

  Then Graham turned up with Dan and Aaron from high school.

  So I was going between these three groups. Was fun.

  UNTIL, Graham and Matt got pissed off at each other and had this huge blew.

  I have no idea what it was over, or what was said, but Matt said Graham said something inappropriate in regards to me, and Matt gave him an ass whopping.

  (that was so hot. Ever would never have fought anyone for me)

  Prior to that moment, as I went in between all the groups

  (that were strangely segregated),

  whenever I would step near Matt

  (I would die),

  he would sling his arm around my waist, and I would to him, too.

  AND IT JUST FELT SO RIGHT AND COZY!!!

  Then we had ‘the talk’ when we got home. About relationships, my past, me terrified.

  I omitted Everard.

  “I’ve loved you for two years,” Matt said, as we lay on either couch, on our stomachs, facing each other. It was 3am.

  “I’d never hurt you, Karina.”

  (oh yes you fucking would!)

  “You could. Unintentionally.”

  “I wouldn’t!”

  “You can’t make promises like that. They always get broken.”

  “I keep any promises I make.”

  “What if it didn’t work out between us? What would things be like at work?”

  “You’re making excuses now.” But he reached out, trailed a finger a finger along my jaw.

  “Well, they’re good excuses.”

  “I’m already so overprotective of you. The stuff you’ve told me…” He trailed off. He had tears in his eyes.

  (stupid Sexy Everard would never cry over/for me)

  I reached out and grabbed his hand. He tucked it under his chest.

  “Don’t be upset. It’s done, it’s over…I’m just…

  (fucked up)

  afraid.”

  “I’m going to be even more overprotective now.”

  “Is that even possible?”

  “I’m going to look after you, Karina.”

  “That’s what worries me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I don’t know! I pride myself on being alone in some strange way. And hate being alone at the same time.”

  “You’re a challenging woman, Karina.”

  “That’s one way of putting it.”

  Matt gave me those intense looks of his I love. “Lucky I love a challenge.”

  We stayed like that for ages.

  Then I was really cruel and left him out there while I went to bed. Not to justify myself to a diary or anything, but I’d just slept with Ever. No way was I jumping into bed with Matt, and hurt Evvy, or hurt Matt.

  The way Matt watches me, looks out for me, pulls me to him…oh God, can’t stop thinking about it all.

  I especially love how he pulls me to him all the time. That is my weakness with him.

  Tee was ESPECIALLY FUNNY last night. I don’t see her drunk often, she’s always classy and in control and the responsible one, screaming, “We’re gonna die thanks to you, Karina!!” as I do something stupid…but she let loose last night.

  Was so funny to see!

  She was doing these perfect cartwheels in her vintage clothes last night in the carpark near Mary St. I was cracking up laughing.

  And so frickin’ jealous she can do cartwheels. I’d fall on my head.

  Nanna Nat drove Tee home, and then me, Nat and Matt came back here.

  Can’t stop thinking about how Matt looked last night in the city…how he was…

  Goosebumps.

  Anyway, so today Nat and I had Christmas Day with Gran and Grandy and Jackie and Steve.

  We drove all the way to Lowood and sat in the sweltering heat outside, eating a boiling hot Scottish lunch in 40 degree heat.

  I’m boiling just remembering, let alone living through it.

  Wish I was on the beach. Got social obligations though.

  Sunday 24 December 2000 CHRISTMAS EVE

  9.03am

  I ended up going over to Tee’s at 6.30pm yesterday.

  It was even fun ON THE WAY to Tee’s – was a bright, STUNNING, summer afternoon. I had the windows down in my baby, and the summer breeze blowing through my hair, the stereo cranking, me revving my car, hooning around…

  Heaven.

  And I had to stop at the bottle-o, and grab food, and at each stop, I’d look up at the sky and sunset and just get goosebumbs, it was all so delicious.

  Nothing like summer air in Queensland. It’s like you can SMELL and FEEL the beach on the breeze. There’s nothing like it.

  It was like one of those AMAZING moments in life. And that excitement of a great night to look forward to.

  I love that more than anything, that ANTICIPATION of great moments to come.

  Anticipation, excitement, unresolved sexual tension…they kinda make me happy and my world turn.

  Like a Moonlighting episode. Life would just be SPECTACULAR if it were one big Moonlighting episode.

  So I arrived at Tee’s in the BEST mood, lugging a bag of presents, bag of champagne, bag of takeaway, and my luggage from the car and up her stairs.

  “Two words, Karina,” Tee laughed, as I struggled. “Two. Trips!”

  “Stop laughing and bloody help me!”

  Tee and I drank champagne for a couple of hours, WARM champagne, cause Tee’s fridge is broken

  (that must kill her, her fridge being broken, the foodie that she is),

  and we opened our presents to each other.

  That was the most fun ever!! Tee spoiled me so much. She’d already bought me a pink, sparkling, 70’s style bag

  (very Charlie’s Angels)

  that she gave me the night before and I took to Dicey’s; plus last night she gave me a GORGEOUS pink and gold beaded cushion, and a pink, fairy-like hanging lantern thingy…with the cushion, I’m imagining a pink genie-type room. Plus all these beautiful odds and ends, like a pink genie bottle, pink stationary set, and a (pink) Groovy Chick pencil case, which I just ADORE.

  (I love Groovy Chick)

  I love all my presents, they’re so beautiful. I feel so lucky and loved at the moment.

  (it’s a strange feeling)

  Tipsy (ie. drunk) on warm pink champagne, we walked to the Norman Park ferry, but missed it, and the next one wasn’t for an hour, so we started walking to the Story Bridge, walked all the way there then hailed a cab, and went to Mary St.

  (where else??)

  We stayed upstairs drinking for awhile, then went downstairs and danced all night.

  I had a pang for Evvy on the dancefloor. Was just cause it was Mary St I think, and I associate the place with him.

  But upstairs, all I could think about was Matt. I feel like he’s been permanently by my side lately. I felt a bit lost without him by my side.

  Not good.

  Downstairs – Ever. Upstairs – Matt. Is Mary St my heart????

  I’ve barely thought about Ever really. Wow. Who knew that could actually happen?

  Out of sight

  (almost),

  out of mind.

  Beautiful song on the radio at the moment. I love it!! Shivaree, Goodnight Moon. Dreamy.

  I’m also about to read more of this new author I found a book of hers down the coas
t the other week, Meg Cabot. Oh my God, I am loving ‘Boy Meets Girl’ like a ten million dollar whore.

  Anyway, last night Katrina was SO DRUNK. I love when people get wasted around me. I’ve never seen her that drunk before. She was hilarious! I think all we did all night was laugh hysterically. She fell over in that spot outside Mary St that I always fall over

  (someone really needs to fix that hole!!),

  and I was in stitches. Doubled over, trying to cling to the wall for support while I cacked myself.

  Tee just lay there on the sidewalk for AGES.

  Oh God. TEARS.

  Then we went to McDonalds on Elizabeth, and Tee was all, “I’m outta toilet paper!! Quick, get as many napkins as possible,” and we just stood there, stealing napkins, while the guy waited to serve us.

  We seriously stuffed like 200 napkins in our evening bags. We were hysterical as we did it, even the guy couldn’t stop laughing.

  (what does he care his workplace has all their napkins stolen? He’s being paid four dollars an hour)