Give Me A Reason

by Jennifer Miller

  “We are going to plummet to earth and die a fiery death, I know it.” I’m not sure what I thought my first airplane flight would be like, but I didn’t really picture myself holding my breath and clutching my arm rests in fear. I can’t seem to help it. Being in the air this high doesn’t feel natural. I look out the window to gain courage, but somehow staring directly into the inside of clouds merely justifies my concerns.

  Oliver chuckles, which only manages to irritate me. Flying is not a good time; there should be no laughing allowed.

  “No laughing?”

  Apparently I said that out loud which only makes him laugh more.

  “We are not going to ‘plummet’, would you relax? Put your headphones on and listen to some music, or better yet, how about watching a movie with me?” He browses through the selections offered on the screen located on the seat backs in front of us. Sighing, I nod thinking a distraction might help. We agree on a comedy. I figure if I’m going to crash and burn at least I will have laughed one more time.

  When we boarded the plane I was surprised to discover our seats were in row four – meaning first class. When I told Oliver he shouldn’t have been so indulgent, he only smiled. This may be my first time on an airplane but even I know that these seats had to cost a pretty penny. Looking behind us through the thin curtain veil, a few rows behind us is coach seating, it’s clear that they certainly make first class more comfortable. Our seats are larger, made of a different material perhaps and they’re certainly more spacious; we have two seats to their three per row. As the stewardess hands me a moist towel and a beverage ordered by Oliver, I almost feel guilty that I’m afforded this luxury and am sitting up here while others are back there. Almost.

  “Nothing is going to happen to us. Did you know you’re more likely to die in the car on the way to the airport than you are on the plane?”

  “Oh yeah? Well that just makes me nervous for the drive back when we return. Thanks for giving me that to add to my things to worry about. However, I’m certain I’m more likely to die of cancer than this plane crashing or a car accident so at least there’s that.” I take another deep breath to still my nerves. However, I find it doesn’t work any better than the ones before and still find the experience to be unnerving.” Still laughing at my little joke, I turn to Oliver expecting to see humor but his face is clear of any kind of amusement and he doesn’t respond. Feeling guilty I squeeze his hand and smile, “Hey, it was just a joke.”

  “I know you think it was, but I didn’t find it funny – at all. I just can’t laugh at that. Please, don’t say that kind of stuff okay?”

  “I have to get through this somehow and a little humor helps.”

  “I get it. I do. But I don’t find talking about your death, by airplane, cancer or… hell by elephant stampede funny, at all. There are plenty of other jokes or attempts at humor we can make that do not include your death as part of the punch line, okay?”

  “Okay,” I nod but my lips curl into a smile and I do my best to wipe the smirk from my face but fail.

  He gives me serious side eye, “Really? Do I even want to know?”

  “An ‘elephant stampede’?”

  “Shut up. You’re lucky I didn’t suggest an even worse demise. Besides, you got the point.” He crosses his arms over his chest and huffs, but the fact he’s smiling too only makes me laugh.

  The rest of our plane ride is pretty easy going. I couldn’t help but have some concern and check on my life vest – perhaps more than a few times, aware we are flying over the ocean. I quietly offered a word of hope that my first time seeing it, would not be making a splash in it from the air. There was slight turbulence that made me grab onto him. My eyes were wide with terror and birds were flapping in my stomach, which only made Oliver’s eyes sparkle with mirth. “It’s okay. Totally normal,” he told me but it didn’t make me feel better at all.

  We did laugh together while watching the movie and we even ordered a cocktail. They put a cute little umbrella in mine, which made me feel like I was officially on vacation.

  After landing and gathering our luggage from the carousel, we quickly locate our driver so we can begin our drive to the resort. Oliver booked a private SUV even though the resort has a shuttle. He said he didn’t want us to have to wait around. I’ve barely begun wheeling my luggage toward the vehicle to meet the man already walking toward us when the air shifts, causing me to pause. Immediately I close my eyes and inhale. Taking a moment for myself now is absolutely mandatory – I need nothing more than to live in the moment.

  “Remy?” Oliver calls and after a moment more I open my eyes and see he’s standing at the open car door looking at me with concern and curiosity. “Are you okay? Do you feel sick?”

  “No, I’m fine. Can you smell it? I can smell the sea in the air. It’s amazing, it’s more than I imagined.”

  Instead of rushing me, nodding or humoring me Oliver surprises me by closing his eyes too. Breathing deeply he too takes a moment to himself. When his mouth turns up in a smile and his mismatched eyes open to find mine upon him, I know my smile matches his.

  The driver welcomes us with colorful and fragrant leis made of plumeria, tuberose and carnations and I again find myself deeply inhaling with closed eyes. As the driver begins maneuvering his way through traffic I turn to Oliver, “Any chance we can somehow go straight to the ocean?”

  “You bet we can. I’d like to at least check in, but then we can ask them to hold onto our luggage so we can go straight to the beach.”

  “Great. How long will it take us to get to the beach from where we’re staying? Which one do you want to go to?”

  “You’ll see. It won’t take long at all.”

  Nodding, I turn to look out the window and immediately decide to roll it down. As soon as the salty air rushes into the car I inhale deeply once more happy to have the smell of the sea in my nose, this time combined with the sweet fragrance from the flowers around my neck. I enjoy the combination the entire way to the hotel as my eyes devour everything we pass.

  We’re in the SUV less than half an hour before it pulls down a long entryway and takes us yet further past a security gate. The road is lined on either side with palm trees. Smiling I grab my phone out of my bag and snap a photo straight up into the air where the palm trees are backed by the clear blue sky. Once we pull past the trees, the place we’re staying comes into view and my jaw drops. It’s the largest resort I’ve ever seen. It’s immense and the grounds are beautiful. “Oh my gosh, it’s huge! And this is so…lovely.”

  When we stop, Oliver takes my hand to help me step down from the SUV. Taking in the ornate building, beautiful landscape and abundant flowers, we patiently wait while a bellhop loads our luggage onto a rolling cart. Once he has everything, he hands us a tag, “Please call this number when you’re ready for the luggage to be brought to your room. Until then, we will hold onto it for you.”

  Oliver thanks him and places a tip in his hand before taking my hand and guiding me to the front desk. I’m too busy gawking at my surroundings to notice our place in line or the people checking in ahead of us. Rather, while Oliver completes the check-in process, I can’t help but wander a bit. The place is truly enormous, airy with significantly high ceilings. It’s opulent, yet somehow the décor and colors make it feel warm and friendly. Large koi ponds with flowing water over rock formations adorn the middle of the lobby. From where I’m standing I see the entrance to two restaurants, and behind one’s open wall to the outside, white linen topped tables and rattan chairs with umbrellas.

  “Come this way,” Oliver says when he joins me. We begin walking toward the back of the resort when my eyes bug out of my face.

  “Is that…?”

  Seeing where I’m pointing, Oliver smiles, “Come on.” He takes my hand in his again and in no time we’re moving out of the hotel toward a large swimming pool. Beyond it, as far as the eye can see is my first look at the ocean.

  I stop, “I just need a moment to take
it in.”

  Oliver stands at my side quietly while I do so. When his vast patience is finally exhausted, he whispers directly into my ear, “How about we get a closer look?”

  Nodding, he smiles and we begin to walk again as he provides his personal tour. “There are three swimming pools on the property. This beachfront one, which is the main one, an adult only one and then another one positioned so guests can see over the resort.”

  “Three?”

  “Yep, and they have several restaurants, each with different cuisine. But most importantly, they have poolside service, as you can see, with wait staff anxious to take your food and drink orders.”

  Looking around the pool I can see exactly that – waitresses and waiters dressed in white shirts and khaki colored shorts, weaving in and out of lounge chairs, some carrying menus and others, trays full of food and drink. Only then do I notice the loud upbeat music playing and see the vacationers enjoying swimming, chatting and sunbathing. Bright cobalt blue chaises and umbrellas are set up all around the pool, as are various huts containing available drinks and food. “Wow.” Realizing my response is inadequate it’s still all I can muster in my current overwhelmed state.

  Once we’re at the end of the oval shaped pool, we follow a short path and then go down a half dozen stairs and find ourselves right on the freaking sand. Laughing in delight, I immediately kick off my flip-flops and sigh in pleasure as warm sand surrounds my feet for the first time in my life. In addition to its notable heat, it’s soft and grainy. It feels glorious and I delight in its sensations, but a moment is all I can stand because before me is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen and I only have eyes for it. Bending over, I quickly roll my jeans up as high as I can, unconcerned with how unfashionable it may appear and make my way to the expanse of water that seems to be calling out to me.

  Looking back at the ocean, I realize that all the pictures, videos, paintings, travel brochures and other attempts to capture this reality have failed miserably; none do justice to the real thing. I’ve never seen anything more astoundingly jaw-dropping in my life. The water is literally a teal color, but there’s also a royal blue, a deep navy blue further out, but it gets lighter the closer it gets to shore. The never-ending waves are white-capped yet continue to manifest whiteness all the way to the sandy shore where they morph into foam that disappears into the sand. I’m not a painter, but even my fingers itch wanting to try to replicate the beauty.

  I can’t walk fast enough, stopping only when my toes meet the water. With my hair flying around me in the breeze, the smell of salt and sea heavy in the air and the sun warm on my skin I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more… at home.

  It goes on for miles; I can’t tell where the ocean ends and the sky begins. The contrast of blue between sea and sky is so subtle it makes it difficult to tell. I watch as little bubbles form in the sand when the water touches it tickling the bottoms of my feet. As the water gets pulled back by the tide, my feet become buried in the sand and I laugh in delight as I pull them out with a big loud wet sucking sound and place them back on top of the sand once more.

  Looking to Oliver I find that his eyes are already on me and for a moment all I can do is smile. There are so many things I want to say but I find that they’re all trapped in my throat. Suddenly I feel small and insignificant in the presence of something so vast, so powerful and mighty. The things in my life, my troubles, my fears seem to float away on the breeze. Part of me feels like I should snatch them up and put them back where they belong but another part wants to watch them disappear with the wind.

  “Oh, Oliver,” I say but doubt he hears me as my words are likely lost to the breeze. But I’m wrong. His hand finds mine once more.

  “I know.”

  Tears fill my eyes because I know he truly does.

  “Can you try? Can you tell me?”

  I know immediately what he’s asking. He wants me to share with him what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking. “I feel…” my voice breaks and I clear my throat hoping to push some emotions aside but the effort is fruitless. “I feel so many things. Some conflicted – I’ve never felt more whole. Like a piece of me was always missing and I was meant to find it here and now. Like, I’m complete now. It’s like a voice whispering in my heart, in my soul, ‘you’re here, finally.’ But another part of me aches. I feel like I need to hold a hand to my chest to support my heart – to keep it from crumbling.” I pause. Needing a moment. He squeezes my hand in support. “She would have loved this. One of my biggest regrets, especially now that I’ve seen its beauty is that she never got to see this…to experience it before she passed away. It was one of her reasons. Something she always wanted.”

  “I remember. And, I think – no I know - she would be very happy that you made it here.”

  “I think so too. Thank you for saying that. Thank you for this. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for this.”

  “You already have.”

  We continue to stand there for what simultaneously seems like a long time and a mere moment. Oliver never says a word, never moves. He stands by my side, my hand in his and we simply…be.

  After, I turn to him, “Can we go sit, but I’d like to stay on the beach if that’s okay with you.”

  “Yes, of course. It will be sunset soon.” He turns and scans the area. Many people have started to leave, likely heading in for dinner plans. “Let’s go there.” I look to where Oliver’s pointing and see he’s spotted an empty cabana. We walk over to it and settle on the plush, oversized nearly connected lounge chairs.

  “I could get used to this,” I smile feeling happy and at peace.

  “Me too,” he says looking at me with a smile on his lips and in his eyes.

  “I wish I could describe in a better way how I feel right now. I want to nail it down and trap it in my brain so I can refer back to it later.”

  “I’m sure you’ll be able to eventually.”

  “I hope so.”

  We remain silent as we watch the sun move closer to the sea. As it descends, the ocean looks like it’s on fire. Blues, oranges and yellows combine to make a show unlike any I’ve ever seen. It takes a moment to realize that tears are falling down my face – the sight before me irrevocably moves me. The ocean is everything I want to be – colorful, deep, constant and full of life.

  We stay still, hand in hand, and watch, as the sun appears to sink into the sea.

  “Ready to go check out our room?” He holds a hand out for me and helps me stand.

  “Yes, sorry. I suppose we were out here longer than you thought we would be.”

  “Hey, we don’t have a schedule. I say we get in pajamas and order room service. I admit I’m hungry.”

  “Sounds good to me,” I smile and we head back the way we came toward the resort when his words finally hit me. “Wait, did you say our room? As in… we’re sharing.”

  He looks away sheepishly before looking back at me, “Uh, yeah. Since I made reservations so late it was either share a room or deal with our rooms being on different floors because they didn’t have any adjoining rooms available. I didn’t think you’d mind. You don’t right?”

  “No,” I say quickly. “Not at all.” I scratch my nose even though it doesn’t itch. I’m not sure why. I guess I just need a distraction to try and hide my surprise. I can’t imagine Justine would be okay with this, but he’s an adult and he and I are just friends. Best friends. “No problem,” I add for good measure.

  “We haven’t had a sleep over in a long time, huh?”

  He’s smiling and it makes me smile too, “No, we haven’t,” I reply. “I can’t even remember the last time.”

  “I can,” he says immediately surprising me.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. You asked me to sleep over after you went with some friends to watch some horror movie at the theatre. I had told you not to go because you hate them, and you’re always scared for days afterward, but as usual you didn’t listen.”

  “I
remember that now! Wow, that was a long time ago! I woke up from having a bad dream and texted you and asked you to come over.”

  “I snuck out of my house and climbed into your bedroom window and stayed with you until I snuck back out early the next morning.”

  “You were the best.”

  “Were? What the hell?” He sounds offended, but there’s a smile curving up his lips.

  “Well hey, it’s been a while… things have been different.” Like the fact you have a girlfriend and I never see you because she hates me, I think to myself.

  He’s quiet for a moment but then he laughs to himself, “I just hope you don’t steal the covers anymore like you used to.”

  Our room is unlike anything I’ve ever seen – that seems to be the theme today. Clearly, I need to get out more. It has a huge king size bed – yeah one bed, not nerve-wracking at all - with fluffy white bedding that looks ridiculously soft and comfortable. There’s also a sitting area with plush couches, a large TV, and a huge bathroom with marble countertops, double sinks a huge tub and separate shower. The décor is all beach themed and the colors in the room are various shades of blue like the ocean and tan. I didn’t know they even made hotel rooms this large.

  When I’m finally in my pajamas, full from the awesome dinner of sandwiches and fresh fruit that we ordered in I’m ready to watch a movie for a bit. As I lean back in bed, I sigh in ecstasy when I feel how soft the mattress and blankets are. My pillow feels like my head is resting on a cloud. When we first arrived to the room there were towels folded into swans on our bed and literally chocolate mints on our pillows. I squealed making Oliver crack up.

  Sometime later when the movie is turned off and the sliding glass doors to our balcony are wide open, I feel drowsy listening to a combination of the waves outside our window and the sound of Oliver’s steady breathing beside me.