Give Me A Reason

by Jennifer Miller

  “Oliver?” I whisper although I’m not sure why.

  “Yes?” He whispers back.

  “Do you think there’s a beach in heaven?”

  He’s quiet for a moment, even his breathing is silent and I wonder if he’s holding his breath. “It seems to me that the ocean is a piece of heaven, don’t you think? I mean, it has to be, given the way it makes us feel, right?” I don’t answer his question but I don’t think he’s expecting me to. “But I think that surely means the ocean there is even more grand, far more than simply a piece – it’s more. Much more.”

  “Yes, more. I like that.”

  His hand finds mine in the dark and the comfort he and the ocean offer lulls me to sleep.

  The feeling of the breeze coming through the patio door is the first sensation I feel as my body begins waking before my mind. Soft tickles glide over my skin in intervals that make the hair on my arms stand as goose pimples form head to toe. Crashing waves against the shore meet my ears and instead of the noise waking me further, it nearly lulls me back to sleep. Pushing through the haze I open my eyes to slits then further as the sight of the curtains billowing in the wind makes me smile. It looks like they’re dancing to the sound of the surf. The sun has already taken its place in the early morning sky and creates a streak of light across the carpeted floor that shifts and changes with the curtain’s movement.

  All of these things I notice before I’m aware of the arm draped protectively across my waist and over my stomach; before I feel the legs intertwined with my own. Perhaps it’s because I’m used to waking alone or that I’m waking up in a new place. More likely it’s because I’m afraid to acknowledge that lying like this, with him, feels so right. I know it won’t last - it can’t.

  With a soft sigh, I remain still. I want to soak up the feeling a little longer – the feeling of not being alone, of companionship and comfort.

  The reminder last night of how we did this when we were younger makes me smile again. It seems so long ago now. It’s always just been my mom and me. She fell in love with a guy and mistakenly thought he was the be all end all, but when he found out she was pregnant at the young age of nineteen, took off. I’ve never even known dear old daddy. She dated occasionally when I was older, but no one ever stuck – she would always say it was fine with her, that all she needed was me. But, that meant it was up to her to make enough money to sustain us. I know my grandma offered to help her when times were tougher and she may even had accepted it a time or two, but she was stubborn and determined and wanted to provide for us on her own – to prove she was completely capable of taking care of us. The only time she accepted help was when she wanted to purchase the house we moved into next to Oliver. She wanted to raise me in a good neighborhood I remember her saying.

  She had a decent job at a textile factory, but at one point when I was in high school she was transferred to the night shift. I was old enough to be left on my own but she wouldn’t hear of it, so Oliver’s family would help keep an eye on me. Sometimes I would sleep over at his place, but most of the time I’d be fine on my own. I think it made her feel better knowing they were right next door should anything arise. Sometimes though, I really hated being alone, or I’d feel frightened due to some stupid show I watched or a noise I heard. Or it was just as simple as not wanting to be by myself. The time Oliver recalled last night – the last time he snuck out late at night and into my bedroom window was the last time it happened because it was the first time something innocent came very close to being… more. I acted like I didn’t remember at first, but that was a fib. I remember it all.

  “The movie was really scary. Don’t laugh at me!” I smack him in the chest when his response is to smile and chuckle. “It was!”

  “I told you it would be, didn’t I? You shouldn’t have gone. You hate horror movies.”

  “I know, but Julia wanted to see it. She said she would only go if we saw whatever she chose.”

  “That’s because Julia’s a bi-”

  “Oliver.”

  He sighs, “I don’t know why you put up with her. You know I’m right.”

  “I picked the last movie, so I didn’t mind.” He opens his mouth to say who knows what, but I cut him off. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure I spent more than half the movie with my hands over my eyes.”

  “I’m surprised you made it through the whole thing.”

  “I wanted to leave after the first murder scene. Ask for my money back, or better yet run out of the theatre screaming.” His laughter delights me and I smile. “I knew I’d never live it down. Julia would tell everyone.”

  “I know for a fact there would have been plenty of guys at school Monday lining up to console you, if needed.”

  “Whatever.”

  “I’m serious,” he shrugs. “You just need to change your perspective when you watch scary movies. Look at it artistically.”

  “Artistically? Seriously? Like, ‘Oh, wow, the dead body placement here reminds me of Antonio Canova’s Sleeping Nymph.’”

  “You are such a nerd.”

  Rolling my eyes, “Yet, you see my point.”

  “The point I was trying to make is that when you look at it artistically you can appreciate the makeup department’s work and how fake it is.”

  “Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. It looked freaking real to me.” Scooting down onto the bed I pull the covers over me and smile when Oliver holds an arm out to me and I cuddle into him putting my head on his chest. “He was chasing people with a saw, Oliver. A saw! Just sawing off people’s appendages!”

  “Right, because that happens all the time in real life. In fact, I’d be scared to leave the house tomorrow. Someone that saw the movie may get ideas.”

  “That’s not funny.”

  He chuckles again and I feel the vibration of his reaction under my cheek.

  Smiling at the memory I recall that while I don’t remember the exact moment I fell asleep in his arms, I sure as hell remember the part where I woke up.

  Something startles me awake. I’m confused for a moment, but then I realize that somehow Oliver’s head is now buried in my shoulder and he’s mumbling, ‘no’ over and over again in his sleep.

  “Oliver?” I whisper and shake him gently. His body trembles and I raise my voice a little louder, “Oliver. Wake up. You’re dreaming.”

  It takes a few tries before he wakes. When he does, the closet light I insisted remain on illuminates his face. His wild and confused eyes meet mine. He stares at me for a moment and then suddenly grasps me to him in a tight hug.

  “Hey, are you okay?” I rub his back trying to soothe him – concern lacing my words.

  He pulls away from me but his eyes never leave my face – shifting from fear to need so quickly the sight makes me gasp in surprise. His gaze immediately drops to my mouth then bounces back to my eyes. I don’t know who moves first, him or me. All I know is that we are millimeters apart one moment, my eyes already closed in anticipation, when I feel his body completely move away. The heat of him leaving me instantly puts a chill on my skin.

  Disappointment races through me and I’m shocked for all of a second before I accept the fact that it really isn’t surprising at all. A part of me has always known I have a thing for Oliver – more than a thing. I love him. I’m not sure when it happened exactly, I just know I’ve felt more than friendship for him for a while. Watching him date girl after girl in school the jealousy I always feel is a pretty strong indicator of my feelings. I spent more time than I care to admit looking at myself in the mirror wondering what was wrong with me – why he didn’t ever turn his attentions to me. Why he never noticed me as more than a friend.

  But this… this… almost kiss… or whatever it was… this means that maybe attraction isn’t the problem after all.

  “Why?” I don’t have to say anything else. He knows exactly what I’m asking.

  Moving back to my side, he lies down once again, but the distance he keeps between us this time, both physically and m
entally is clear. “We can’t. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t… it wasn’t… I’m sorry.”

  I don’t say anything. I’m not sure what to say. I don’t want it to seem like I’m begging – but I also don’t understand. Maybe he sees those thoughts on my face. If so, I clearly need to learn to hide my emotions better. He clears his throat and looks away when I only continue to stare.

  Finally I manage to say something. “What was your dream about?” My voice cracks on the words.

  He doesn’t look at me and is so still I wonder if he heard me, or maybe he’s just refusing to answer. He turns to face me but now, with his back to the light in the room, I can’t make out his features. His face is cast in shadow.

  “Promise me you’ll never leave me, Remy. Promise me that we will always be in each other’s lives.”

  While speaking, his hand reaches for mine and takes it into his own. I don’t think he realizes how hard he’s holding it. “I promise. What’s this about?”

  “Nothing,” he attempts a smile, but he fails. “Are you okay if I head on home? Your mom came in a little bit ago. She checked on you and saw me here.”

  “I’m guessing she wasn’t mad since I didn’t wake up to yelling.”

  “She’s not mad at all, she’s known for a while I come in here sometimes. So do my parents.”

  “What? They do?”

  He shrugs, “Sure. They know we’re just friends and they trust us.”

  I sag a little at his words, but nod, “Well that’s good.” Then something occurs to me, “But wait, why do you come in through my bedroom window still?”

  He shrugs and I’m sure if I could see his eyes better there would be amusement there, “You seem to like it.”

  “Lies. Just admit that it’s because you must like it.”

  He does no such thing, only laughs softly. “Okay, I’m going to go then.”

  “Yeah, okay,” I nod in agreement even though I’m feeling completely confused.

  “Get back to sleep,” he kisses me on my forehead and goes to the window sliding it up. Once again he chooses the window instead of the front door. Because of me? Yeah, I don’t think so.

  Turning, I put my back to him, not wanting to see him leave. I can feel his presence, know he’s standing there, his gaze burning into my back. The air is always palpable and heavy with his presence. Sometimes I swear I can tell the exact moment he turns the corner in school and is down the hallway from me, or the moment he enters a classroom we share. “It’s because if we go there… if it didn’t work out… I can’t lose you. Not ever.”

  His words make me hold my breath and it takes me a minute before I can respond, “I don’t want to lose you either.” When there’s no reply I know without looking that he already left. I could feel it.

  He never slept over again after that – I never asked him to and he never offered or asked to either. And instead of continuing to stay close we slowly drifted apart – always remaining in each other’s lives and getting together when we could – but the distance was always there after that. A torn thread we couldn’t seem to ever figure out how to mend.

  Until now. I’m thankful to have the chance to be close to him again, to spend time with him and enjoy his attention and company. Truth is, I’ve missed him. Even when I’ve been with him, I’ve missed him.

  As if hearing my thoughts his arm tightens around me for a moment before it relaxes again. I don’t move and when his breathing deepens once more, I slide out from under his arm, grab some things from my suitcase and go into the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.

  Twenty minutes later I’ve got a swimsuit on, a cover up over it, my hair in a high bun and I’m ready to spend some time in the sun today. When I walk back into the room, it’s to find Oliver awake and sitting against the headboard.

  “Mornin’,” he smiles lazily.

  I swallow heavily. He looks really good in the morning. Hair sleep tousled, a lot of skin showing from only wearing pajama bottoms - it takes effort not to let my eyes move below his chin.

  “Good morning,” I swear that came out a little high-pitched. Clearing my throat I ask, “How did you sleep?”

  “I slept better than I have in a really long time, actually. You?”

  “Like a baby. I can’t believe how amazing it was to fall asleep to the sound of the ocean.”

  “Yes, I was definitely soothed to sleep as well.” The way he’s looking at me makes me feel like that’s a loaded statement, but I’m not brave enough to explore it further.

  “How would you feel about room service again? I’m thinking breakfast on the terrace and then a lazy day at the beach?” I point down below at where I know the cabanas are found. “Unless you had something else planned.”

  “Sounds perfect. A beach day is exactly what I had in mind.” He smiles, stands and stretches and I have to look away to prevent staring. Grabbing the menu I open it and bury my nose inside forcing myself not to turn around.

  “Anything in particular you’d like for breakfast? You know, besides coffee.”

  “Hmmm…” he stands right in front of me and I have no choice to look over the top of the menu at him. “Do they have waffles? I think I’d like a waffle,” he smiles and for a minute I forget what I’m doing. What is wrong with me? One night of innocent sleeping in the same bed and I’m feeling all flushed.

  “They do - one order of waffles coming up. Anything else?”

  He gives me the rest of his order, “I’m going to take a quick shower.”

  Picking up the phone to place the order, I nod, “Okay.”

  Once the order is placed, I search my purse for my reading device and take a peek at my phone finding three missed calls and three voicemails left from my doctor’s office. With a sigh, I shut my phone down. I just want a day where I don’t think about my health. No, forget that, not just a day, I’d like to spend the week not thinking about my prognosis and instead I want to live my life like I haven’t a care in the world. I want to live like I’ve never lived before. I’ll never get a chance to be here, in this place, in this moment, at this resort, by the ocean, with my best friend, again. This is one of my biggest dreams come true, so I’m going to enjoy it. So my phone can stay off most of the time unless I check it one time a day for work. Otherwise, I’m on vacation – not just in body but also in mind.

  Putting my phone in my bag, I take my ereader and go outside onto the terrace intending to read while I wait for our food to arrive.

  It isn’t long before Oliver joins me clean-shaven, damp skin and hair shining in the sun. I’m grateful when the food arrives so I can stop staring at him like a lunatic. Once we finish eating, we grab our things and head down to the beach. Oliver already called and rented a cabana for the day, so we check in and set our things down at the one we’re assigned.

  “Will you spray sunblock on me?”

  “Of course,” he takes the spray bottle from me while I unbutton my black cover up and remove it. When Oliver freezes, I’m not thinking and immediately ask, “What’s wrong?”

  It takes me a minute to realize he’s gawking at me, “That’s not the same swimsuit, but it looks very similar.”

  “Oh! Yeah. I saw it in the store and had to get it after your comment about the other one. I figured I’d continue the tradition of wearing a swimsuit for you to hate.”

  “Hate is not at all what I’m thinking while I look at you in that, sunshine. And if I thought the other one was bad, thank god you didn’t wear one like this. I would have had a heart attack. I could have one now.”

  Putting my hands on my hips, I smile, “Ah good. Mission accomplished. Now then, get on with the spraying.” I hold out my arms and spread my legs apart so he can spray the front of me, then turn so he can get the back too. Then, I return the favor before we commence with our busy schedule of lounging.

  “It’s beautiful. I know I keep saying that, but really, it’s more than I could have ever imagined.”

  “It is,” I turn to look at him
to find his eyes on me and not on the ocean.

  After a moment, he reaches into his bag and I’m surprised when he pulls out a small radio. When he seems my reaction he shrugs, “I got it for the trip. I pictured us chilling on the beach with the waves and a little music to keep us company.”

  “I like it.”

  Conversation flows freely between us. Topics ranging from music we’re loving right now, to annoying client stories and any updates he has to share about his family. When mid afternoon rolls around we declare ourselves starving,

  “It must be all this work we’re doing,” I laugh as I lazily switch from lying on my back to my stomach. Propping my head on my hands I stare out at the water. I love the way the water looks as it moves under the sun. Like the flashes you get when a mirror meets the light. There’s a breeze coming off the ocean that makes the hair on the back of my neck tickle as it moves. I sigh contentedly wishing I never had to leave.

  When a waitress appears near us, Oliver raises his hand to get her attention. Several of them walk around getting orders from hotel guests. Oliver orders some food and insists we should order drinks as well. We devour our food when it arrives and one drink turns into two before I stand. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to cool off.”

  Walking to where my feet meet the water, I bend down and scoop water in my hands and then pat my shoulders. It feels good so I move a little further in and scoop more so I can get my arms and legs damp too. The cool water feels good on my skin. Taking my hair out of my bun, I shake it back and run my hands through it before gathering it together again to bind once more. When I’m finished, I raise my face to the sun and enjoy its warmth. I’m startled when I hear, “Hello there.”

  Straightening, I find a man in blue swim trunks with blonde hair. His blue eyes are sparkling in the sun and he’s got a surfboard tucked under his arm. “Uh, hi.”

  “Let me guess… you’re here on vacation?”