More Barsetshire Diary (Barsetshire Diaries)

by Lord David Prosser

  “Edna, this isn't easy. In order to be liked, you first have to like. I mean you have to get to know people and give them a chance to get to know the real you, the you that cares.”

  I said this hoping that the her I knew wasn't the real her and that underneath all the bluster there was a nicer her. After all, I reasoned, Edgar must have seen something in her.

  “I see,” was her response.

  “Look Edna, there's no denying you've upset a few people in the past, but maybe you didn't mean to?” I hoped desperately.

  “Oh no, I didn't mean to,” she said, “it's just the way the words come out sometimes and I do have an image to maintain.”

  “Edna dear,” I said, “at the moment Edgar has an image to maintain and he does it perfectly well by being friendly. Look, have a bite of your cake and listen for a minute. We're on the run up to Christmas now and there are going to be any number of fund-raising events. I think you should organise one for the Mayor's parlour. Select a special charity, even the mayor's fund and organise a charity auction or something. Lay on a cup of tea and a mince pie, get a good auctioneer to donate his services, I'll even do it myself if you can't find one, and start trying to get donations to auction. That means I want you to go round all the local shops and businesses and charm them into donating.”

  “I'm not sure I could do that David,” she replied.

  “What? Go round to see them or charm them? Sure you can, after all you charmed Edgar into marriage didn't you? And you've been together a long time now.”

  She gave that some thought and said “Yes OK. I’ll give it a try.”

  “Good for you,” I said, “now finish your cake and have another piece.”

  She did just that and as we parted a little later she seemed to leave with a lighter step.

  “Bit of a smoothie aren't you?” said Grizelda coming through for the tray, “had her eating out of your hand.”

  “Rubbish Grizelda, I promise she used a plate all the time.” I responded.

  A little after noon Lady J returned for her lunch. She went through to speak to Grizelda and was in the kitchen for ages. As she came out she said to me “Been charming the birds out of the trees again I hear. So you've started Edna's campaign have you?”

  “Hardly that my dear,” I replied, “but maybe, just maybe she's not as bad as I thought.”

  “Well I'll be watching you” she told me waving a finger in my direction, “I don't want you falling under her spell.”

  We both burst into laughter.

  After a nice lunch of soup and crusty bread Lady J went to get changed for her tea party and I went to the office to answer my emails. My mystic friend was still hoping for a payment in exchange for her predictions about my future. You'd think if she was psychic she'd know I wasn't going to pay. There were various pleas from firms to buy cars, computers and new games, as well as another request to lose a fortune gambling online, though that wasn't actually how they worded the opportunity they offered me. I read a message from an author in America who's also a friend. She told me she's sending a copy of a book to read. I replied and then closed the computer down.

  Just passing the front door there was a knock and there was my favourite post lady with a parcel for me. I was amazed to see it was the book I'd just been promised. The Cinnabar Box, by Ilil Arbel.

  It looked interesting so I promised myself a look when Lady J left.

  Soon enough the time for her to leave arrived. I could tell she was apprehensive as Diana the Dowager Duchess had a reputation for being irascible years ago and who knew how much more so now after years of seclusion.

  I checked she had her mobile phone handy and told her to use a code word of roses in a message if she wanted help. Panicked she asked what kind of help did I think she'd need, was I expecting a kidnap attempt? “Ha,” I said, “I was thinking more in terms of calling you if you were being bored to death.”

  As she left I asked Grizelda for a coffee and told her to take the rest of the day off. I knew there was cold meat for later and I could still remember how to boil a few potatoes.

  The coffee came and Grizelda said goodbye. I settled down with the book. Let me say now that I saw by the cover we were dealing with a piece of light reading involving Wicca. The reason I thought it might be interesting was because I saw the name Taliesin. Having Welsh blood I knew well the name of Wales's greatest bard. I started to read about a young girl who learned she had inherited the powers of a witch. The book was for a younger age group but turned out to be fun to read and I wasn't disappointed when Taliesin appeared. I was still reading when Lady J returned.

  “Hello dear,” she said, “You'll never guess.”

  “Please dear” I said, “Just give me a couple of minutes more here.”

  I heard a “hmph” followed by receding footsteps.

  What seems like moments later the book was removed from my hands, “What the...” I started to say.

  “You've been there for the last hour without moving David, not even asked how I got on, made me a coffee or mentioned dinner. So, book goes down now David, you can finish it later but for now let's get something to eat and hold a conversation.”

  “Yes dear, I'm so sorry. Such a good book I got carried away. Let me just sort out some potatoes for us.”

  “What do you think I've been doing since I got home David, it's all on the table.”

  Full of guilt I made my way to the dining room where dinner was laid out. Sitting down we started to eat.

  “And how was Triple D?” I asked, “Did you find out what she wanted?”

  “Yes,” she replied, “she wants me to sit on a charity committee to have Mawdsley Hall restored. She was a bit of a dear really but don't tell anyone I said so.”

  “Your secret is safe with me,” I replied,” but Mawdsley Hall is not much better than a shell these days since the fire. It'll cost a fortune.”

  “David, don't repeat this to anyone but Her Grace will put up £50,000.00 if we can raise the same amount. Mawdsley was her birthplace and she'd like to see it as it was before she dies. The National Trust can have it once it's been restored, after all it's a beautiful Elizabethan building.”

  “True my dear, and I bet Her Grace remembers it being built.”

  I ducked as a bread roll flew past my ear.

  After dinner we washed the pots and settled in the lounge with a coffee. I told Lady J about Grizelda refusing to join Edna and myself. “I'm sure she made certain that Edna was perfectly safe with you,” she said smirking.

  Wednesday, November 3, 2010

  Harrison Ford? – No way!

  I dreamed about Edna last night. We were on an election platform and people were throwing things at me, rotten veg by the smell of it. My brain must have registered at some point that I could really smell something and I woke up.

  4.54 am laughed my clock. I got out of bed and realised the smell was coming from outside my window which I'd left slightly ajar.

  Grabbing the torch which I keep by my bed for emergencies I shone it out of the window and looked around, by now almost gagging on the stench. There it was, the source. Somehow the kitchen waste bin had been knocked over before it had been emptied onto the compost heap. The torchlight picked up something shining, no, 6 somethings shining, and there on the garden wall was Oscar flanked by two other cats all staring in my direction.

  I shut the window. As I did I heard three different derisory miaows so I pulled the curtain to and went to find an air freshener for my room. A few minutes later as I was making myself a drink Oscar sauntered through the kitchen, tail erect and told me he wanted feeding. I put some fresh chicken from the fridge into his dish and left him chomping as I took my coffee through to the office thinking I might as well answer my emails while it was quiet.

  Psychic Sigourney promised to guide me down the path of enlightenment if I would but stop ignoring her messages. I decided not to ignore this one and wrote back saying I wouldn't need a guide if she'd just be kind enough
to send me a map. After all, I had a boy scout’s badge for orienteering, why waste it?

  For a fee someone was prepared to check my credit rating. I thought if it was bad by now I'd have known about it, and if it was good why do I need to know? Much easier to save the fee and just pay my bills on time.

  Three friends had all sent me the same joke that had been circulated to them. It wasn't all that funny the first time so I just deleted the other two despite the fact that the world was due to come crashing down around me if I didn't pass them on. Perhaps I saved myself by sending the first copy back to all three of them and just risked slightly annoying them all.

  Most of the other messages were equally inane but one I found most interesting. A film company had read my second book and was considering making a film of it if I was agreeable. Perhaps Harrison Ford could play my part? I replied that I'd give the matter some thought then promptly made every effort to forget it. I like Harrison Ford as an actor but to play me a Brit in a film? No way!

  I closed down the computer, wrote out a birthday card in readiness for a friend's upcoming birthday and then went to make myself another drink. I was amazed to find Lady J already up and drinking a coffee in the kitchen.

  “Good morning my dear, you're an early bird. It's barely 6.30 am. Problem sleeping?” I asked.

  “Hello dear” she replied, “Oscar woke me to say he was hungry poor lamb. I'm surprised you didn't feed him earlier as you were up. Anyway I've given him some chicken and he's gone out again. I saw you were busy so I didn't want to disturb you.”

  “Thank you,” I said “Yes, sorry, I should have fed the little rascal earlier.” This latter was said through gritted teeth.

  “Actually dear” said Lady J “I woke up thinking about ideas to raise funds for Mawdsley Hall. When I said triple D wanted me to sit on a committee, what she really meant was that I am virtually the committee myself. There's herself, the architect who will oversee the restoration and me! I'm responsible for the fund-raising. Any ideas?”

  “Well” I said “as it happens...”

  “What?” she said “don't keep me in suspenders.” An old joke that made me smile.

  “Yesterday I suggested to Edna that a good way to improve her visibility would be to collect some donated objects and hold a charity auction. Why don't you have a word with her and get her to nominate Mawdsley Hall as the charity?”

  “Excellent idea David. I'll leave you to organise that with her then and I'm sure we'll have things to donate.”

  There she managed to cause me horror and panic in one sentence. “What did you have in mind to donate?”I asked.

  “Oh, bound to be an antique or two we can donate,” she told me.

  “Well, I suppose there's always that Royal Dux figure I had to buy back in July,” I said, trying to give her a conscience. All I actually got was “Well done. I knew you'd get into the spirit of things. Now, any other ideas?”

  “Just one off hand,” I offered, “You know how good Suki's voice is, why not arrange for her to do a concert soon. If you speak to James about sharing the proceeds maybe he'll let you use the Cathedral.”

  “I knew I could rely on you dear. I'll speak to Suki if you'll speak to James.”

  “I thought YOU were the fund-raiser on triple D's committee” I ventured.

  “Well, I like to think of myself as more of an organiser dear,” she said.

  Defeated, I agreed to speak to James and to Edna.

  A little later we dropped in on Suki who was still living in the village as Eileen Dover. She agreed without hesitation to sing for us. As Lady J told her all about the cause and of the forthcoming charity auction that I hadn't even arranged, Suki offered a piece of jewellery to sell. “It's a little gaudy for me” she said passing over a little box which when opened revealed the most exquisite little humming bird broach made up of precious stones. I knew it was worth a fortune just by looking at it but also that she would be offended by refusal. We thanked her for her kindness in both agreeing to sing and for her generous donation.

  As Lady J wanted to drop in on a friend in Barchester we said goodbye to Suki and set off, me with the job of persuading James to let us use the Cathedral or failing that, to try and get use of Barchester's bigger town hall.

  James Trubshaw is the deacon of the Cathedral and has been a friend for many years. Too many years probably judging by the ease with which he tells people of my youth which he always makes sound like The Rake’s Progress. Anyway, James was in and was happy to find us a suitable date which wouldn't clash with any of the Cathedral's services. He thought it best to choose an evening where tickets could be sold and the proceeds shared between the restoration fund and the Cathedral's ongoing restoration work. I agreed this was better than choosing to split a collection to which he laughingly added he might take up a collection anyway so the Cathedral came out ahead. I suggested he was a rogue which only elicited a smile.

  We booked a free evening for Saturday November 12th so I had time to prepare and sell tickets. Shaking James by the hand, I left the Cathedral and walked towards where Lady J and I had agreed to meet. She was just parking the car as I arrived.

  “Right, time for some lunch I think,” she said. We drove to the nearest pub in the direction of home and stopped for a ploughman's. I told her over the meal that James had agreed to the event, when it was booked for and even went so far as to suggest she had tickets printed and then agree a list of acceptable songs with Suki. To my amazement she agreed.

  “Now dear, you need to have a word with Edna about making the restoration of Mawdsley her pet charity. If you can arrange a date we can get that underway and start finding goods to sell.”

  “I'll phone her tonight and see if she has time to see me tomorrow” I said.

  “Today dear, today” said Lady J.

  At home I made a phone call and Edna said it would be fine to call round, so after a coffee Julia dropped me off there claiming she couldn't accompany me as she needed the library but she's collect me in about an hour.

  I knocked at Edna's door and was surprised when Edgar answered.

  “David” he said, “how nice, come on in. I'm grateful for the help you've given Edna old man.”

  “That's OK Edgar” I told him, “things could work out pretty well I think.”

  Guiding me through to their lounge Edgar asked if I'd care for a sherry. Agreeing a small one would be nice I sat where he indicated as he went to pour the drinks. Edna came into the room as I sat and I noticed she was wearing what looked like a pair of black overalls over a canary yellow tee shirt. The overall legs ended just below the knees and her lower legs were covered by black and yellow horizontally striped football socks. To say she looked the bee's knees was an understatement, she actually looked like the Queen bee. Luckily Edgar passed my sherry and I took a reviving sip to allow me to regain my thoughts.

  “Good afternoon David,” said Edna.

  “Ah Edna, how kind of you to receive me like this” I replied.

  She was all for the idea of using the restoration as her project, especially when I pointed out that Diana the Dowager Duchess had lived there and that this project would give Edna some visibility within the County set who would in turn be more willing to donate items to be auctioned. Edgar too was on board with the idea as the project could prove to be the highlight of his Mayoral year. Because of this and because it was a good cause, he would be happy to provide something to be auctioned.”But,” he said, “both Edna and I think that on the day of the auction you should be the auctioneer.”

  “That's very kind” I replied, “but I know nothing about doing that.”

  “My brother is an auctioneer David and he'll be happy enough to teach you enough to carry you through. It needs someone who will bring buyers into make a success of this and you're well liked around here.”

  They left me no leeway to refuse as the argument went back and forth. Eventually I agreed to do it.

  Edgar said we could use the Mayor's pa
rlour for the auction itself and the goods could be displayed there the day prior to the sale as he had the use of the security staff at the town hall.

  We settled on Sunday 13th November and agreed to leave Edna and Edgar in charge of donations. I told them about the star item, a broach donated by Eileen Dover. When I pulled it from my pocket to show them, they all but gasped.

  “You'll need to get that valued David,” Edgar told me, “no use selling it for £50 if it’s worth a couple of hundred. We'll need a reserve on it.”

  “Good idea,” I said, “If you'll excuse me I'll do that next.”

  I finished my sherry and said goodbye to the hive, even giving the Queen bee a quick hug. Lady J was waiting outside in the car.

  “Before we go home dear” I asked, “could you just run me up to Trumpett's to get a valuation on the broach?”

  “Good idea” she said tuning the car round.

  It was almost closing time when we arrived at Trumpett's. I ran in quickly and asked Arnold Dring if he could give me an idea of value before the broach went to auction. I heard the intake of breath as he looked at it and wondered for a moment if perhaps we were mistaken and it was just paste.

  “Can you leave it overnight My Lord so I can have a better look at the stones with mother? At first glance though, and with the diamonds at about a carat each, I'd say in the region of £20,000.00.”

  I visibly staggered and Arnold offered me a chair.”