More Barsetshire Diary (Barsetshire Diaries)

by Lord David Prosser

  “No I'm fine thanks Arnold” I told him, “certainly I'll leave it with you and call in to collect it tomorrow. It's to go into a charity auction later this month and I don't want to under value it on the day.”

  “It'll be here tomorrow for you My Lord and I may well be interested in bidding for this myself.” he said.

  Still a little stunned I thanked him and left as he locked up the shop. Lady J looked at me as I got into the car, “About twenty thousand” I said.

  It was a very quiet journey home.

  Thursday, November 4, 2010

  Interest in the Broach

  At 6.00am my silent alarm went off. It had crawled inside my duvet and run a paw, claws extended, down the sole of my foot. Even though they didn't break the skin the reaction was inevitable, a knee jerk reaction, my knee jerked. Up it came with such speed that it dragged the duvet from my legs. This movement startled Oscar so he bit the big toe of my other, now exposed foot. Up came that other knee too until it must have looked like I was in foetal position. The evil one just dropped from the bed and swaggered away leaving a very shell shocked me behind. Not for long though as I swung my legs out of bed and limped after him pulling my dressing gown on as I walked and thought of revenge. That lasted until I saw him standing by his empty food dish staring at me as I approached. I quickly emptied another sachet of food into the dish and walked, well limped away muttering to myself.

  In the kitchen I applied a little antiseptic cream to the toe which let's face it wasn't exactly spurting arterial blood, but in my defence had raised some little red lumps where the teeth had connected, and there were little drops of blood appearing. I taped a plaster to the toe and swore that from now on I was going to bed in shoes.

  By the time 7.30 am came I'd had two coffees and just delivered Lady J her first of the day. I knew she'd be going riding at about 9.00 am and would need at least two more before then.

  As she prepared to leave a little later I heard the sound of a small garden mower approaching. I smiled at Julia but she beat me to the punch and said “I hear The Baron approach on his motorised skateboard.”

  Baron Michael Fraenkel had a passion for small cars of the sporty variety and was currently driving the aptly named cappuccino. It was brown, small and resembled a child’s pedal car with an engine somewhere.

  In he strolled giving Lady J a hug and a kiss as she said goodbye and departed.

  “Something I said?” he asked, “Hello old sport.”

  “Morning Michael, this is a pleasant surprise,” I replied.

  “A friend of a friend of a friend etc. etc. rang me last night to say you're hawking a rather sweet broach,” he said, “thought I'd take a look before the sale. Christmas is fast approaching.”

  “Oh Lord, who is it now?” I asked.

  “Well, her name is Ilsa and she's from Holland. That's in the low countries.”

  “Thanks for the geography lesson Michael,” I replied, “well at least you're going Dutch for a change.”

  “Ouch” he groaned, “like I've never heard that one before.”

  A little red faced I went to make him a coffee but Grizelda had beaten me to it. I hadn't even seen her arrive. I know she has a soft spot for Michael. If it comes to that so do I, it's called quicksand.

  “Good morning light of my life,” he said to her, sending her giggling like a schoolgirl back to the kitchen.

  “I'm going to pick the broach up this morning along with a valuation” I told him, “If you want to give me a lift we can go early.”

  “Fine, just let me finish my coffee and I'll run you there. While I think on, here's something else for your auction.”

  Out of his pocket he drew a small box which he passed to me.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “You'll find that out if you open it” he replied.

  I did so, and inside was an exquisite little Chinese pin dish of some age.

  “Tang dynasty,” he told me, “should raise a few bob for you.”

  “It's fantastic Michael, thanks so much.” I told him.

  “Right, let’s go pick up this broach I've heard so much about” he said.

  Outside I attempted to get into what he laughingly called his car. After a few goes, I turned myself sideways towards the seat, held my crutches in front of me and dropped my backside in the general direction of where the seat should be. There was a dull thud as the back of my head hit the roof of the car and then amazing! My bum was in. Now all I had to do was bring my legs in and the crutches. A few minutes of concertina-ing my legs got them inside, and Michael now having taken the crutches from me, threaded them over my knees into the well of the car so that the handles were back in my hands. I saw him surreptitiously check the roof where my now aching head had connected. Seemingly it must have been OK as I heard no groan from him. He closed my door. It felt very strange being so low down and knowing my bottom was about 3 inches from the road surface.

  We arrived in Praisewater without my wetting myself from fear but it was a close call. We parked up and found getting me out of the seat was a nightmare. I had no leverage from that position and Michael couldn't manage to lift me. In the end we were lucky that Chris, Simone's husband from Cass.E.Dees was passing and Michael was able to recruit him. Chris leaned in, took the crutches and leaned them against the car, they were taller than it was, got a grip on my upper body and pulled. As my upper half began to leave the skateboard Michael grabbed my legs and lifted. Out I came in a horizontal manner until Michael lowered my legs to the floor. I thanked Chris, grabbed my crutches and leaning on them immediately texted Lady J to pick me up from town on her way back from the stables rather than find myself in the same position again.

  Arnold was serving someone as we entered the shop but I saw his excitement as I arrived to stand by the counter. The sale went quickly and smoothly, so as the customer left the shop he turned to us.

  “It's wonderful” he said, “all the stones are of the first water and the setting is beautiful.”

  He laid the broach on the counter and I saw Michael's eyes light up.

  “I estimate the auction value to be £22,000.00” said Arnold, “I’ll give you a cheque here and now for the full amount if you'll sell it.”

  “Sorry Arnold” I said, “but it has to go to auction.”

  “I understand,” he replied, “I'll be there.”

  “Whew, so will I.” I heard from Michael.

  Putting the broach back in its box I thanked Arnold and herding Michael before me left the shop.

  “Well it's certainly beautiful” he said, “where did you get it from.”

  “Oh, just a donation from an old friend.” I told him.

  We made our way down the street to Cass E. Dees to get a coffee and as we entered the girls pretended to cower in fear. Kaytee took our order and Michael called after her “And a teasted toecake too please.” I heard her chuckle and Sherryl tell her that His Lordship had brought in his little man again. I wondered what she'd say if I told her Michael's title. Probably exactly the same knowing her.

  Sherryl brought the drinks over. “Lord David” she said, “Simone has decided to give a day's takings to your charity fund and Kaytee and I have decided to forego our wages for that day so Simone's not out of pocket too much.”

  “That's wonderful Sherryl, really kind,” I said wondering how so many people knew already, “our thanks to all of you.”

  Lady J arrived as we were finishing. “Just knew I'd find you here” she said, “can't stay away from coffee David, I think you're addicted. A bucket please Sherryl.” she called.

  Knowing the amount she drank herself and the size of her cup, I thought the remark a bit rich coming from her but bit my tongue anyway.

  Surprising me by refusing a second cup Michael got up to go outside for a cigarette while I went to the kitchen to thank Simone and her husband Chris, stopping on my way out to say thanks to Kaytee and giving her a hug. Michael then headed for his car whilst Lady J and I in a no
rmal vehicle headed for home, Michael weaving the skateboard through the traffic ahead of us.

  Lady J told me the stables had offered to put up collection boxes for us, and Jones the Ink the local printer had offered free posters for Suki's concert in exchange for a free ticket for him and his wife. I was able to tell her the valuation on the broach and that we already had interested parties.

  The skateboard was home before us and Michael was talking to Grizelda. “Erm, just checking there's enough lunch for me before I go home” he said.

  “Rubbish,” I replied, “don't you try stealing Grizelda from us, the house would fall without her.”

  “Damn” he said with a smile, “foiled again.”

  We had a light lunch, and as Michael was preparing to go the phone rang. Lady J answered and came back to say that Edna and Edgar were doing very well with donations for the auction and even had enough support for a bring and buy sale as well.

  “Great news” I said, “at this rate you'll have the funds in no time.”

  We waved Michael off after lunch and his car disappeared in the distance which was actually about fifty feet as it’s so low to the ground.

  I was about to go and relax when someone else approached the house. Mellors wandered round the side of the house at that moment and I heard the stranger say “Good afternoon Your Lordship, I'm Ragnar Arbuthnott come to give you lessons in auctions from the rostrum.”

  I saw Mellors face split into a big grin as he pointed in my direction. Ragnar recovered his poise and came over to me. “Sorry Your Lordship,” he said, “Edna never was very good with descriptions.”

  Nor fashion either, I thought to myself.

  To be fair, Ragnar was very thorough with his lesson and didn't leave until nearly five o'clock. Grizelda had at least supplied tea and cakes to give us a break at about 3 o'clock. As Ragnar left I felt much more confident about playing auctioneer on the night.

  Later this evening at dinner, Lady J had asked me to pass the salt. To try out my new skills I'd said, “Right Ladies and Gentlemen, the salt, going once, going twice, any further offers?”

  Lady J's favourite missile, a bread roll, shot past my ear at this point and stopped me bringing down the gavel.

  I passed the salt.

  Friday, November 5, 2010

  The Birthday Cake

  Mumu's birthday. Oscar must have known we'd be going over to visit her today and he'd be left alone. He obviously decided to get his revenge in first by waking me at 4.30 am by pirouetting from a great height onto my groin area.

  I sat up, tears in my eyes, pain in my groin and the need for vengeance in my heart. It was agony. I got up very gingerly, and walking like a horseless John Wayne, made my way to the kitchen.

  I thought about applying a frozen pack of peas to the affected area and rapidly decided against it in view of the already lowered winter temperature. Oscar was eating from a small dish of food left out by Grizelda. Oh, the temptation to bin it and stick my tongue out at him was great, but I managed to restrain myself.

  I was sitting in the lounge with a cup of tea when Oscar sauntered in and settled on my lap as though he belonged there. With only a swift glance up at my face he fell asleep, and I, fool that I am, started stroking him. The pain receded and I started to feel better.

  I must have nodded off too as I woke with a start when Lady J came through with a coffee. “I didn't realise you were up David” she said, “As you didn't bring me a drink through.”

  “I didn't want to disturb Oscar dear” I tried, and felt very foolish when I realised he's gone.

  “Oscar? What on earth do you mean? He woke me up half an hour ago and has been in my room ever since just crying to be fed.”

  “OK my dear, I'll see to him now,” I said a little guiltily.

  I dealt with Oscar's dishes and then made fresh drinks for Lady J and myself.

  By 9.30 am we were washed, dressed, and ready for the off. We had a pleasant run up country and stopped off in a small town supermarket for a cake to take with us. Grizelda had offered to make us one but I thought this might be more fun. I should have known better. The choices were limited from babyish to childish, anything above the age of twelve had gone already. I had no choice. Lady J was looking at magazines so I took my choice to the counter and paid, wrapping it in two carrier bags.

  It had started to snow a little as we got back outside but not enough to worry us yet. The rest of the journey went smoothly. As we passed through the last little village I sent a text message, “kettle on please, loo free I hope.”

  Very soon we pulled up in front of the Gothic edifice that is the baronial home. It seemed to loom grimly over us today with the dark clouds and wasn't softened at all by the snow falling on the roof. The gargoyles still smirked down at me, threatening a spout of water aimed in my direction as soon as they could get the snow to melt.

  Mumu had stepped outside to greet us, and as we climbed out of the car said “Come on piddling Pete, the loo is free for you.” We all went in laughing though I moved quicker than they did.

  After my detour to the loo I joined the others in the great hall where John was waiting.”Good to see you David.” he said.

  “Likewise John.” I responded.

  We sat with a coffee while Julia passed Mumu our birthday gifts.

  She laughed at the sat-nag I'd bought her which created a male voice complaining about her driving whenever a button was pushed. She had fun pushing all the buttons in turn so we could hear all the different remarks. The album Lady J had created came next, and Mumu was thrilled to see all the old photographs in order and labelled with suitable remarks. i.e. Mumu at school, at church, at her wedding etc.

  I then excused myself for a minute and went out to the car returning with her main present that had caused me so much difficulty before. Lady J had thankfully undertaken the wrapping though she had glared at me a number of times during this event. It was huge and it was heavy and now well disguised. Mumu looked at it tentatively for a moment and then set to tearing paper with abandon until she unveiled the Four Foot Bear. Realising what its function was straight away she squealed with delight and came to hug and thank us both. John said "I have just the place for this," and moved it to a corner close to the music centre and placed a CD in it from a selection nearby. "There" he said, "fits like a dream." It did look quite good there and I was glad I hadn't shouted "The bonfire" when he'd suggested he knew the best place for it.

  “Well” I said, “are we going to have a piece of cake with this coffee?”

  “Good idea,” said John and I passed the bag with the cake to Mumu to cut it.

  “Oh David, what on earth were you thinking of?” asked Lady J as the green caterpillar cake was unveiled.

  “Sorry” I replied, “perhaps leaving it to the last minute to pick one wasn't a good idea.”

  “Nonsense, it's fine” said Mumu slicing it skilfully and giving us all a piece.

  “Well David, you can make it up to us by giving us a good lunch at The Sailor's Hornpipe later.” said Lady J.

  We actually did have a good lunch there though the lunchtime cabaret left a lot to be desired. The Transylvanian Girl Pipers Band seemed to be out of tune and most of what they played seemed to resemble the sound of a cat-fight in an enclosed space.

  After lunch we repaired back to the hall where we spent a couple of pleasant hours insulting each other over a game of cards before we set off for home in the now sticking snow.

  Reaching the first village was not a problem but from there onwards we had to travel very slowly as the snow was sticking on all the country roads and had caused a few skids before us. Some parts were like ice.

  It was nearly 7.00 pm before we finally got home and into the warm. Putting the kettle on for a hot drink I asked Julia if she'd like anything with it. “A slice of toast would be nice dear,” she replied, “and I think Mumu sent a couple of pieces of caterpillar for us. Don't bother turning the lights on, I think that green glows in the dark
.”

  Stoically ignoring the sarcasm I stood at the window while the kettle boiled and watched all the fireworks lighting up the night sky despite the snow.

  Saturday, November 6, 2010

  Plans in the making

  Oscar tapped me gently on the forehead with his paw and reinforced his pleas with a wet nose in my ear. I was 7.00 am, I couldn't believe it, not only had he let me lie in but he was asking me nicely to get up, totally unheard of.

  I jumped out of bed after moving him gently to one side, and went to see to his dishes and put coffee in cups for Lady J and myself. Well I say cups but I fact mine was a cup and hers the size of an oil drum. By the time I'd fed Oscar the coffees were ready and I took Lady J's through.

  “Good morning my dear,” I said.

  “Morning David,” she responded, “thanks for the coffee.”

  I went through to the lounge to enjoy my drink and to text Michael a Happy Birthday. I'd posted his gift and card earlier in the week. I was surprised to get a reply from him so early but he sent back,

  “Good morning David, thanks so much and also for the card and gift. Most thoughtful. Ilsa and I are off out for the day.”

  Looking outside to the snow fresh on the ground, I silently wished them luck.

  My phone beeped indicating I had another message. It was from Karina (my niece) to say she was coming over with Joanna, my nephew Dafydd, his wife Geena and their baby Ivy. Also that my nephew Leee and his partner Jean would be joining us. This sounded like a deputation but I just texted back that I was looking forward to it, and what time would it be happening? About 10.00 am came the response.

  Lady J came through dressed and said she was off to the stables for a couple of hours.

  “Must you?” I asked telling her of the visitors.