Younger Thinner Blonder

by Sue Watson

  As I drew nearer, each step was agony as I heard more moaning and now giggles and kisses. I held my breath and slowly dropped on all fours, crawling slowly towards the noises. As I came nearer, I could make out their two bodies, in flagrante. Naked, writhing limbs shone in the moonlight as they moved together panting, my heart was in pieces and my mind too as I stumbled to my feet, wordlessly watching. His muscular back was as broad as ever as his buttocks thrust up and down. No class, eh? I thought to myself as I walked with ninja-like stealth towards the fire. I was enraged. My head was filled with the sound of a crashing sea. How dare he come here on my ticket and have sex with a young researcher? How dare he break my heart again? I saw the bucket of water nearby that had apparently taken them all day to ‘collect.’ I was ready to face this, finally. I’d put my head in the sand for too long where Nathan was concerned. I’d been so desperate to keep him that I’d put up with anything and along the way, I’d lost my heart and my self-esteem some time ago – it was time to face the truth and reclaim what was left of myself.

  I don’t recall in detail what happened next, but I do remember picking up the bucket and shouting; “I’ll help you get the fucking water... Here’s water for you... You bastard! How about that for class?” I hurled the bucket of water over them, screaming something unsavoury about ‘rutting dogs’. I was only doing what any red-blooded woman would do when she caught her lover having sexual congress with a young woman in a moonlit clearing. I dropped the empty bucket, waiting for their shocked faces to emerge into the moonlight.

  Two angry faces emerged from the tangle of sweaty limbs and to my earth-shaking horror, they weren’t who was expecting. It wasn’t Nathan and Tiff – it was Cindi and Rex Cannon!

  Rex roared like a beast and climbed off an exhausted-but-furious Cindi. “You are one crazy, mixed-up bitch,” he spat.

  “Oh God... I’m so, so sorry... Cindi... Rex.”

  “What the fuck, Tanya? That was dirty water you stupid cow, you’ve ruined my extensions.” Cindi was lying on the bare ground, naked, writhing around trying to squeeze and cajole at her mane of fake hair.

  “Christ, no! I’m so, so sorry. I thought you were...someone else.”

  By now, everyone was out of their tents and grouping around Cindi and Rex, passing them bits of blanket or towel to dry off with. The production team were quick off the mark and when I looked round, I saw a cameraman. I wondered how long he had been there and how much he had caught on film. Then out of nowhere, Nathan appeared – alone. “What’s all the racket?” he asked, walking towards me. “I thought someone had been stabbed, you could hear the commotion down by the stream.”

  “That stupid old broad you sleep with, she’s finally losing it, kid. I’d trade her in if I were you.” Rex snarled, as charming as ever. I didn’t respond, despite a deep urge to grab another bucket and put it over him again.

  Nathan looked slightly bewildered. “You OK Tan? I was worried about you. I knew it was you shouting, I came straight away.”

  “I’m just tired and emotional,” I said. The phrase always worked for other celebrities when they were drugged, drunk or compromised.

  “Tanya, don’t be upset. It’s all fine,” he said, his arm around me while I clutched the other one. I was relieved at his sympathy, his caring and when I looked up into his eyes he kissed me gently on the forehead.

  I stood on my tiptoes and whispered in his ear so no-one else could hear: “I... I thought, I thought Rex and Cindi... I thought it was you, Nathan,” I was holding onto his arm, my eyes were full and about to spill any second.

  “Me? You thought it was me?”

  “Yes... I thought you and Tiff had been off somewhere. You’ve been hours and I was so worried I thought you and she were...”

  “Tanya, please give me a break. Why do you always have to be so jealous?” he said in a raised voice.

  “Sssh Nathan please, not here, you’re forgetting, the cameras are on all the time. Everyone can hear – they’ll think I’m mad.”

  “You are mad, Tanya. You make my life hell with your constant accusations!”

  “Nathan, please keep your voice down.” Christ, this was all I needed on top of everything else, a big row with Nathan where he tells me I’m a mad, stalking bitch who never leaves him alone.

  “Look, I’m sorry,” I said desperately, realising that everyone had gathered around now to see what all the fuss was. “You going off with Tiff like that made me stupid. But I just don’t understand why, if it isn’t a sexual attraction, you would want to spend time with someone almost twenty years younger than you?”

  “For the hundredth time Tanya, I was helping her!” He shouted. “This is your problem, and the sooner you get help, the better.”

  I could feel the heat rising to my face, and the dull whooshing sound in my ears was becoming louder again.

  “This is why you are impossible to live with,” he said, stepping away from me. “Yeah, she’s young and pretty but that doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with her. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this Tanya... You’re destroying us.” With that, he turned to go. I could feel everyone staring at me, and the air crackled with tension.

  “Nathan. Nathan, please,” I whispered. “I’m sorry. I really am.” I turned to the others. “Cindi, Rex, please forgive me. I didn’t mean to...” Their faces glared up at me in the moonlight; Cindi’s matted, foul-smelling extensions said it all as they danced around, her face distorting and twisting. The sneer curling on Rex’s lips grew wider and wider and Cindi’s blue eyes bored into me balefully. I began to feel short of breath. Images from the day swam in front of my eyes, Rex and Cindi, Tiffany and Nathan. The babies at the orphanage, Nathan holding a baby. I felt faint.

  “Nathan... Help me” I whispered, almost imperceptibly, reaching out to him. He brushed my hand away, and his touch seemed to burn. I heard him stamp away into the trees, each footfall cracking loudly in my head. My breathing quickened.

  “Tan, you alright?” It was Paul, reaching towards me. The others drew closer, trapping me in, reaching for me with claw-like hands. I screamed: an animal sound that didn’t even seem to come from me. Then I was sick. And then I blacked out.

  I awoke some time later to find myself surrounded by medical staff and crew all with walkie-talkies and all in my face. I wanted to scream, I wanted to say, ‘I’m OK, just everyone GET OFF ME’ but nothing would come out of my mouth. Ardash was leaning over me. “It’s alright, Tanya.” He said quietly. “We move you to the diary cave, OK?” Then I heard him stand up. “You will turn the cameras off now” he said in a very authoritative voice.

  “Ardash my lovely, everything is filmed, that’s the point” I could hear Tiffany pipe up.

  “You will turn them off, now.” He said again.

  Then I could hear Flinty say, “Alright, boys. Stop rolling. Let’s get her to the diary cave.”

  My head floated away again as they carried me to the diary cave and when things came back into focus, it became clear the production team were in a panic.

  “Jesus, we need to chopper her out ASAP,” Flinty was shouting. “I mean, she’s seriously lost it... She’s cuckoo, did we do any psych tests on her before she left Britain?” Silence. “Shit, they’ll throw the book at us. We are all gonna carry the can for this.”

  My eyes were closed, they’d assumed I was asleep. It was scary lying there, hearing all that stuff about me. ‘To see ourselves as others see us,’ Marcus had said. I was doing that now and it was terrifying. Tiff said nothing. There were no ‘sweethearts’ or ‘lovelies’ – presumably she was cowering in a corner and wondering whose head would roll as a result of ‘Tanya’s Meltdown: Part Two’.

  ONLINE ONTIME NEWS HEADLINES:

  Travis Meltdown on Mountain

  Today, Celebrity Spa Trek producers were in crisis talks regarding the mental health of 47-year old former talk-show host Tanya Travis. Tanya, 44, who once hosted popular daytime talk show The Truth with Tanya Travis was
said to have remained in camp and was ‘comfortable’ last night, after collapsing during a showdown with three other celebs. “All precautions are being taken as always to ensure the health and safety of our participants,” said series producer Flinty Adams. “Unfortunately, on this occasion our celebrity contributor was suffering from previously undisclosed health problems affecting her stability.”

  Tanya, 49, whose toyboy lover Nathan Wells, 40, recently joined her on the show has suffered serious setbacks in both her personal and professional life. Once known as the Darling of Daytime, Tanya lost her role as host of The Truth with Tanya Travis to blonde Georgina Ronson 24, earlier this year. Since taking over the programme, now renamed The Georgina Ronson Show the series has enjoyed record-breaking ratings and ‘Rear of the Year’ Ronson is bookies’ favourite to win this year’s Darling of Daytime award.

  Tanya 48, was sacked from the show after a live on-air rant at a young researcher. This was followed by claims from an underwear model that Tanya’s lover Wells was the father of her unborn child.

  A source today said: It’s been an industry secret for some time that Tanya is heading for a breakdown.” Miss Travis’s behaviour since starring in Spa Trek has done little to quell the media rumours that she’s suffering a serious mental breakdown. On arrival at the camp in Pokhara, Nepal, she screamed and shouted at Paul Roscoe, the 21-yearold former drug-addict and boy-band star of The Hissy Fits. Miss Travis demanded the millionaire singer ‘wipe’ her down and ‘step up to the plate’ before making it clear she wanted a sexual relationship with the much younger rock star. This was followed by an hysterical rant at production staff on location, climaxing in a tirade against fellow celebrity campers, Cindi Starr and Rex Cannon. Throwing a bucket of water over Cindi, 23, and Rex, 56, Travis screamed that they were ‘rutting dogs.’

  “It was completely out of the blue, she is one crazy broad,” said Cannon, famous for his roles in 80’s action movies and more recently the Nazi miniseries Desperately Seeking Hitler.

  A spokesman for the TV company said today: “We believe the kindest and safest action we can take regarding Tanya Travis would be to send her home where she can receive the care and help she needs.”

  Tanya’s spokesperson made a statement in response to our enquiries, saying; “My ass she’s coming home. Tanya will stay and win, I don’t give a f*** what they are saying about her mental health – there’s nothing wrong with her, she’s always doing that kind of crazy shit. And you can quote me on that!”

  26

  Camp Parties and Indecent Proposals

  After a couple of hours’ rest, a visit from a medic and a hot cup of tea, I felt slightly better. Suddenly, Nathan appeared in the doorway of the diary cave.

  “Tanya, oh thank God you’re OK, we need to talk,” he said, gently now he’d had time to calm down. Tiff was standing next to me, her face white with fear, she was clutching a towel like I might suddenly explode and it would get messy.

  “Thanks Tiff, I’ll be OK for now. I’m feeling a bit better... Do you mind leaving us alone? Nathan we do need to talk... Come in here – but whisper, please?”

  He stood in the doorway: “I don’t want to talk in here, it’s stuffy. Do you feel well enough to come out here, into the fresh air?”

  “No Nathan, I don’t want to fall apart in front of everyone again – I’d rather stay here.” I said, my voice cracking.

  “The fresh air will do you good. Please Tanya. I want to ask you something.” He took my hand, and led me gently outside.

  “Tanya... We’ve been together for four years now.” The camera was whirring and he was speaking very loudly.

  “Shit,” I said under my breath. So be it. If he wanted his fifteen minutes of fame by dumping me on air then who was I to deny him that? I’d put him through enough.

  “Tanya... I want to say is...Will you marry me, Tanya Travis?”

  “Marry?” My ragged heart transformed instantly into white satin with scalloped edges.

  “Yeah, I think it’s time we got hitched, don’t you?”

  “Nathan please, don’t joke...is this a joke? Some kind of twisted trial?”

  “No,” he shook his head, horrified I should say such a thing.

  “So this is real... It’s nothing to do with the show?” I asked, watching the camera-light, hearing the buzz, knowing we were being filmed.

  “Stop playing hard to get Tanya, or I might change my mind,” he teased, now openly playing to the camera.

  “Yes. Oh yes... Yes!” I stammered, feeling disorientated, exhausted but relieved he wasn’t dumping me live on air. I hugged him tight, thinking we can do this and in my cotton-wool head I was writing the guest list and ordering the canapés.

  Right at that moment, Carol-Ann appeared with the camera. It was later than I thought and we were clearly live. Apparently, Flinty had made the decision to keep ‘the crazy bitch’ in the programme... After all, everyone loves a wedding.

  “So what’s the news, guys?” she skipped over to where Nathan and I were sitting.

  “I just asked Tanya to marry me,” Nathan announced proudly. “And I am a very lucky man because she said yes,” he put his arm around me and squeezed gently as if to say, I’ll do the talking.

  “Hurrah!” Carol-Ann yelled with some enthusiasm. Of course she was pleased; an on-air proposal was a dream for the viewing figures and would take her to places other shows couldn’t reach.

  “So happy for you both,” she smiled from ear to ear. “And to celebrate, tomorrow you will all enjoy a very special lunch – we will be throwing you a camp party!”

  “I LOVE camp parties,” squealed Marcus. “Congratulations Tanya love, I hope you’ll be very happy. And you’ve certainly earned yourself another night in camp, dear,” he whispered to Nathan.

  “So! Back to tonight’s challenge!” said Carol-Ann brightly. “Let’s see who the public have voted to take on ‘Snake Slalem’!”

  I watched, almost detached, as Carol-Ann went through the process of teasing out who would be taking on the challenge. And then, finally, it was revealed. “The person taking on ‘Snake Slalem’ is....Rex!” I looked across at him, wearing his shades even though it was the middle of the night. He didn’t move. “Rex!” said Carol-Ann again. “Let’s go, Rex!”

  Rex slowly got up, and walked over to her. He took off his shades as he swaggered past me and if looks could kill, I would be six feet under. “OK, Carol-Ann” he said in his best Texan drawl. “Bring it.”

  Rex was led off to do the challenge, which apparently would win us some booze for our camp party tomorrow. Then the rest of the live show passed in a blur and I fell into my sleeping bag gratefully at the end of it. My head resting on Nathan’s shoulder, I finally fell into a deep sleep.

  TWEET: @AstridLun Tanya 2 marry Nathan but he is sex addict + needs @DrChristian 2 help his man parts + @GokWan 2 make Tanya look good naked x

  27

  Kim Kardashian’s Philosophy for Life

  The following morning we were woken by trundling trucks bringing a lavish party to camp. The day before had been quite a day, with a steamy sex scene plus a live, on-air wedding proposal and they were determined to keep up the momentum. With an eviction scheduled for tonight the air was fizzing and we were all wondering which one of us would be voted out.

  Before I could enjoy the celebrations planned in my honour, I knew I had to at least try and make peace with Cindi and Rex. I found Cindi’s tent and asked if I could go in.

  “Cindi, I am so sorry about throwing water at you yesterday” I opened. “I thought you were Nathan and Tiffany...I don’t know what came over me.”

  She looked at me for a minute then smiled. “Don’t worry about it, Tan. I think your meltdown took the heat off me and Rex. Besides,” she went on, “my management team will be pleased. They told me to try and shag someone while I was here!”

  I didn’t quite know what to say to that.

  “Anyway, when things get tough, I try not to stress abou
t it and remember some of my inspirational quotes.” she said, looking at me earnestly. “You should do the same, Tan.”

  “Well, that sounds like a good idea...What’s the quote for this situation?” I asked.

  Cindi looked at me seriously, and putting on a very grave voice, said: “I learn... from everything I do.”

  “It’s lovely, Cindi.” I smiled.” Are those your words? Is that your philosophy?”

  “No, it’s Kim’s, but I know what she means.”

  “Kim?”

  “Kardashian.”

  The penny dropped. Bless her. We sat for a bit longer and as it was a party we were waiting for, she decided to share a ‘party’ quote with me. She sat up straight and pulled her extensions off her face to give the quote more ...depth? Emphasis?

  “Tan...listen to this: ‘You haven't partied until you've partied at dawn in complete silence with Buddhist monks’” she shook her head in wonder.

  “Buddha?”

  “No you daft sod, it’s not Buddha’s – it’s Cameron Diaz’s...”

  Fortunately, I didn’t have time to respond as we were called outside by the production crew where a magnificent champagne buffet was delivered. Strains of music started up from a PA system somewhere in camp and as we hadn’t heard music since we arrived it sounded beautiful and intense, like a long, cool drink on a hot, dry day. Mesmerised by the sound I was whirled around the craggy ‘dance floor’ by Marcus then by Paul, followed by Ardash who was soon moved on by Nathan. I leaned into him, embracing my soon-to-be-husband while dancing to I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing and resting my head on his shoulder. The music was playing, my head was full of wine and wedding vows and I looked up, about to say something to him, but he was looking at someone behind me. I turned to see Tiff, smiling, her hand mid-wave and as I turned back, to settle my head on his shoulder I saw Ardash. Just watching.