Younger Thinner Blonder

by Sue Watson

  Rejoining the group, I swallowed hard. “Nathan...how soon would you want to get married?”

  I held my breath, waiting for the ums and ahs, the delaying tactics followed by the humiliation of everyone asking ‘when’s the big day’, followed by pitying looks and whispers behind my back.

  “Well, I was thinking...”

  “There’s no rush,” I said, suddenly feeling like everything was going very fast. My head had been messed around so much since I got here, I wasn’t sure what was real and what was Spa Trek any more.

  “Tanya, I want to marry you as soon as we get back to the UK,” he said with a smile. I hugged him. I could stop doubting him now. This time would be different: I had changed and it seemed he had too.

  “So, shall I call Vera Wang... and...and the Cake Fairy?” I asked, almost testing him, still not believing this was really happening.

  “Yeah, sure, if the producer will let you,” he smiled, indulgently.

  Flinty seemed only too happy to let me make some ‘wedding-y calls’ as she called them, on condition that I let the cameras film me talking on the phone about the dress and the cake.

  I talked for 47 minutes to Vera’s assistant about final fittings for the dress I’d had hanging in my wardrobe for so long. Then I called Stella Weston at The Cake Fairy. She said edible pearls and ivory lace cakes were currently de rigeur in Hollywood and this would work well with a vintage wedding theme. I booked 250 fairy wedding cakes, there and then.

  “Oh Tanya, you’re soooo lucky,” Cindi said when I told her. She clasped my arm with her impossibly long and perfect nails: “You’ve got the dress, the cakes and the man of your dreams.”

  “Yes. It all worked out in the end, didn’t it?” I smiled.

  * * * * *

  The camp ‘engagement’ party was amazing; champagne and chocolate fountains and a huge, snow-frosted, Himalayan-shaped cake adorned the table. I was among friends, the show apparently had great viewing figures, the venue was booked, the cakes ordered and – the most important part – the groom was keen. Yet... I couldn’t shift the niggling feeling in my stomach. But all soon-to-be brides felt like this, surely? After all, getting married was a life-changing event.

  “You must be very happy, Tanya?” was Ardash’s opening line as we all gathered together late in the night, ahead of the live show and eviction. Though everyone was joking and appeared to be happy, there was an undercurrent of nerves. No-one wanted to be the next one to go. I didn’t want to leave yet, not now Nathan was here. I’d already faced a barrage of mixed emotions when I thought I’d been evicted last time, to find out it was all just a trial.

  “I’m ecstatic,” I said, smiling quickly.

  He smiled back and looked as if he wanted to say something, but instead put his hands together in a prayer salute and moved away.

  Then Carol-Ann appeared. She wasn’t skipping and flouncing, in fact she looked like she had just come from a funeral. The cameras were with her and in her ‘serious’ voice she asked us all to gather round now to record ‘something very important’. For a moment, I wondered if the production team had choppered in a vicar and were planning to marry Nathan and I on the spot. I couldn’t bear that – the best part of getting married was the planning and I wanted a few more delicious weeks pondering venues, menus and floral displays.

  “So, we’re filming this segment in advance of tonight’s show,” she said, with no flirtatious giggle or flip of the skirt. “We’ve had one eviction, one fake eviction and with Nathan’s entrance, we’ve had an ‘in-viction’. However, it has come to the attention of the production team that someone has been behaving ‘inappropriately’ on this, a family show.”

  We all gasped and looked at each other – hadn’t most of us behaved ‘inappropriately’ at some point? “I’ll get my coat,” I whispered to Marcus, who raised an eyebrow and muttered something about Cindi and Rex ‘in flagrante, dear’. I noticed Rex stir slightly and look uncomfortable, so perhaps Marcus was right.

  “So it leaves us no option,” Carol-Ann continued “but to cancel tonight’s public eviction and ask one of you to leave. I’m sorry Paul, but we have been informed by an impeccable source that whilst here, you have been in possession of an illegal substance.”

  There was a stunned silence. The camera whirred as we stood there like goldfish, mouths agape. Carol-Ann looked sternly at Paul, and signalled two burly security guards.

  However, oddly, Paul didn’t seem too bothered.

  “OK. I’m off then...” he said, standing awkwardly between the two guards. “Sorry guys and everyone at home – I let you all down.”

  We all hugged him, saying how sorry we were to see him go and within minutes, Paul was escorted off the mountains.

  “Right everyone, I will see you later for tonight’s show.” said Carol-Ann. “As yet, I don’t know the format, as the eviction has been cancelled. See you all later.”

  And with that, she trouped back through the trees. We all watched her go.

  “Ah, I’ll really miss Paul,” said Cindi.

  “Me too,” I smiled. “I wonder what he was caught taking? I always thought he would win – funny how things work out.”

  “Yeah...but that’s life Tan, and these things happen, you can’t ask why. As Angelina Jolie once said: ‘You’re young, you’re drunk, you’re in bed, you have knives; shit happens...’”

  GOSSIPBITCH: Question: Which international rock star pretended to be in possession of class A drugs on a mountain reality show?

  Here’s a clue – the lead singer had a big (and more lucrative) gig in the US and his management were having hissy fits. Once his ‘stash’ was discovered, they choppered him out to Madison Square Gardens ASAP.

  28

  The Show Must Go On

  We were all a bit depressed the next day, after Paul’s eviction. The show had been an anti-climax for us, though no doubt brilliant for ratings as the viewers at home learned about Paul’s departure. We gathered round the campfire at breakfast, a sombre little group, wondering what the day ahead held for us.

  “I do hope it’s not more walking, dear.” said Marcus, crossly.

  “These boots were made for walking!” said Jonny brightly. We all glared at him.

  Flinty appeared through the trees. She was followed by a camera, so we all sat up to attention.

  “Hello everyone!” she said brightly. “Well, I am sure you are all waiting for your task for today. You will be pleased to hear it’s not more trekking, Marcus!”

  “Thank the gods for that, dear” he muttered to himself.

  “Today’s task is a result of a Twitter explosion!” Flinty declared. We all looked at her blankly. “The episode where Tanya visited the orphanage caused an outpouring on social media,” she went on to explain. “So, as a result, we would like you all to go back there, and do something for the children. You have a few minutes to think about what you as celebrities can do for these poor kids who have nothing.”

  I was delighted. So people at home had been as moved as I was by the orphans? Hopefully this would mean more publicity, more support and ultimately more volunteers and money for the children. We all sat and thought, racking our brains as to what we could do. Then an idea came to me. “Could we do a show?” I said. “What about if we all went in and gave a performance of something? I bet the kids would love that.”

  “Oh Tanya, can I do the hair and make-up for the show?” said Cindi, clasping her hands together in excitement. I nodded.

  “Yesss... Oh...oh... I just thought, I used to do kids’ face-painting in between jobs, let me paint their faces too, they’d love it!”

  “Great idea,” I said.

  Nathan settled down next to me, his arm around my shoulder; “I have to sing for the kids,” he said.

  I melted: “Ah...Of course you do, Nathan.” It was true what Ardash said, anyone with a heart had to do something for these kids. “What about doing a musical show of some kind?” I suggested. “The kids love music and
Ardash has taught them lots of western songs so they are familiar with some popular rock and pop.”

  “Kids love slapstick... I can do slapstick. I used to be a children’s entertainer,” said Jonny, his face lighting up.

  “You still are, man,” Rex snapped.

  “Fabulous,” I smiled at Jonny.

  “This is all great stuff!” Flinty said, listening to something on the talkback in her ear. “You’ve got the rest of this morning to think of some ideas then we will bus you to the orphanage this afternoon. You’ll stay the night in a room there, then rehearse and perform tomorrow! Tanya, as it was your idea, you are in charge.” She said.

  “One more thing, Flinty” I said. “Could we please arrange for each child to have a toy? They don’t have much at the orphanage and it would be nice for them all to have something they can call their own.”

  She nodded. “That should be OK. I’ll look into it. Good luck!” Then she disappeared off through the trees, to arrange it all.

  “I’m definitely singing,” Nathan said, once Flinty had left. “I have an idea, why doesn’t everyone do their own thing and do a public vote – like X Factor?”

  “Nathan my sweet, that is X Factor... Why do X Factor on another show? And well, it’s not quite the point is it?” Marcus said slowly, looking Nathan up and down. “Apart from the fact that the X Factor would probably be lost on these children, it’s not about us auditioning on prime-time is it, dear?”

  “Well, you come up with something better,” Nathan snapped.

  “I’ve just had a fab idea,” Cindi announced. “What about a panto?”

  “Oh, I like that idea. What does everyone else think?” I had to be careful, with all the egos around. “We could use a simple fairy story that the kids would understand; lots of Jonny’s slapstick, Marcus and Rex’s acting, Nathan’s singing...” I started. Marcus and Jonny nodded enthusiastically.

  “OK, shall we say it’s a panto?”

  “I’d want a solo... If it’s a panto,” Nathan said, tersely.

  “Ooh, listen to her,” Marcus hissed. “Will you want a Winnebago too, dear?”

  Nathan ignored him.

  “Can we avoid any artistic differences please?” I attempted to joke but only Jonny and Cindi laughed.

  “So what panto shall we do?”

  “What about Cinderella?” Cindi suggested.

  “OK,” I said, making notes. “So Cinderella it is and I think we all agree: Cindi will make the perfect Cinders. Now, Rex... Would you like to..?”

  “I’ll come along.”

  “Oh. And?”

  “And what?”

  “Well, what part will you take?”

  “I said I’ll be there.”

  “Oh that’s more than enough,” Marcus lisped sarcastically. “Let’s not ask for the moon, we already have the stars... Ooh listen to me. The mere whiff of greasepaint and I’ve come over all Bette Davis. God, how I’ve missed the life!”

  And so it was that the dysfunctional family of Z-listers washed up on the shores of celebrity and found themselves on the side of a mountain in one of the poorest countries in the world, planning a pantomime.

  I was the self-appointed director, Marcus and Jonny were the Ugly Sisters and Nathan was Prince Charming. Rex refused to even entertain the idea of Baron Hardup (Marlon who?) and being American, the whole British panto thing was lost on him anyway. I left that one hanging for now, hoping I could persuade him when we got there. With casting finalised we headed off in the micro-bus to Kathmandu and the orphanage.

  “Oh, how I long to tread those boards again... Like a sailor misses the sound of the ocean I’ve missed the roar of that crowd,” Marcus proclaimed loudly as we all clambered off the bus after the six-hour drive. I’d been sitting with Nathan who had spent the whole journey writing his music for the panto. I squeezed his arm as we walked up to the entrance; I was grateful for his enthusiasm and so happy to be sharing this with him.

  It was late when we arrived and we were shown to the shabby room where I’d slept last time. “Oh, I feel like I’m in a concert party,” said Marcus, unfurling his sleeping bag next to Jonny’s.

  “As long as you don’t party near me,” Jonny quipped as the rest of us bedded down for the night next to them.

  “Wow, this place is stinky,” said Cindi, wrinkling her nose.

  My heart sank a bit. “You don’t regret coming do you, Cindi?”

  She shook her head. “Course not, Tan. Anyway, there are no regrets in life, just lessons.”

  “Germaine Greer?”

  “Jennifer Aniston.”

  We settled down for the night, and before we knew it, fingers of sunlight were creeping over the window sill. It was morning and there was lots to do if we were to get this show on tonight.

  I sat up, feeling excited and nervous. I couldn’t wait to see the children – one particular little girl especially.

  I introduced everyone to Sunita who said the children would play outside in the courtyard after breakfast, while we rehearsed in the dining hall.

  “I can’t begin to tell you what this means to us all,” she began. “We told the children last night that the nice English film-star lady was returning with her friends and their excitement and happiness was heard throughout Kathmandu,” she smiled.

  Sunita showed us into the dining hall where 63 beaming little faces sat waiting for us. The children had probably been told to sit still and not chatter when we arrived as just beneath the calm surface, their excitement simmered. The thrill was tangible and the air was filled with last night’s dhal, unwashed bodies and anticipation.

  “I know now what is meant by the roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the crowd,” Marcus said, pulling a face.

  “Oh, you’ll soon get used to it,” I smiled.

  We all stood in front of the children and Sunita asked them to welcome us to their home.

  “Namaste, Meess Travees. Namaste friends,” they chanted in unison, holding the prayer-like gesture with their hands.

  Then typical child chaos took over as they skipped over to us, to investigate these aliens from another culture. Cindi was soon holding a child on each hip, Marcus was tweaking noses and Jonny had a huge group of kids in thrall by blowing massive raspberries. As I watched them all, a little hand pushed gently and silently into mine.

  My heart melted as I looked down to see two huge brown eyes looking up at me. I smiled down and her little face lit up – for a moment I swear the world stopped turning. After a few seconds I composed myself and squeezing Maya’s tiny hand I tried to shout over the madness to tell the children about the show. “Does anyone have a favourite song they know that they’d like us to sing? We want you all to sing along with us during the show tonight!” I yelled.

  “I get Ardash, he will know,” Sunita said, walking through the hall and calling him. Within minutes of Sunita going to fetch him, Ardash walked into the room. I glanced over at Nathan who was stood against the wall talking to Rex. I was a little disappointed he wasn’t playing with the kids, but perhaps he would bond with them later through his music.

  Ardash wandered over to me, smiling. “The children cannot believe that you come back here. Sunita, she is so happy, and the children are essatic!”

  “I’m glad we can help,” I smiled. All the time, Maya was clutching my hand tightly.

  Eventually, Sunita and the helpers managed to move the children outside so we could rehearse the panto. Cindi and I ‘co-directed’, creating a scene-by-scene story and suggesting visual ways of explaining the narrative and moving it forward. Cindi kept inviting Ardash over, asking him questions from a cultural perspective and which songs children would recognise. We realised quite soon that even with people doubling up, we were short of actors so I asked Ardash to play Buttons.

  “What is the ‘Buttons’?” he asked, amused.

  “He’s Cinderella’s friend. He loves her, but guides her and helps her to meet her dream prince,” I explained. “Ah, this love yo
u have in your country,” he said, shaking his head. “It truly is a hinji minji state of affairs!”

  Cindi and Ardash began rehearsing their scenes together, Cindi planning what they’d say and Ardash teasing her by pretending to be confused. They were both laughing and clearly enjoying each other’s company and I felt a sting of jealousy that surprised me. I liked Cindi but perhaps I envied her a little too; she had such an effortless way with men. I spotted Nathan and thought it might be an idea to help him with his lines and actions. He seemed to be taking up all his time on the songs – which was great – but it was vital we made the storyline clear for the kids who spoke little English and didn’t know the story.

  “What are you singing, darling?” I asked gently, inadvertently stopping him mid-chorus.

  “It’s a new one...about new lovers, old ties,” he smiled.

  “Oh, I thought you were doing We Will Rock You?” I said, trying to hide my disappointment.

  “Nah, I’m not doing some old Queen number when I can do my own.”

  “But the kids need to sing along, that’s part of the fun for them.”

  “Tan, this is my big chance, if I sing my own stuff on prime-time I could get a record deal out of it... The kids will love it, babe.”

  I didn’t want to antagonise him or come over as too bossy, but perhaps he didn’t understand what we were really doing here.

  “I can see what you’re saying darling, but the kids don’t know the story, so we need to think about your lines...”

  “Tanya, you are a bossy boots,” he smiled, ruffling my hair good-naturedly.

  “Thing is sweetie, the kids haven’t heard your music, so they can’t sing along.”

  “No. But then they’re not after a record deal, are they?” he said, trying to soften it with a smile when he saw my face. “Look Tan, these kids don’t care what songs we sing, we’re doing them a favour. It’s amazing what we’re doing here – they’re lucky to be having this show.”

  “I don’t think they’re lucky,” I said.