Younger Thinner Blonder

by Sue Watson

  “Oh, don’t go all funny on me. You know what I mean... I just don’t want to miss this chance. You don’t get many like this... it’s golden.”

  “Yeah, golden,” I repeated, and walked away to deal with Marcus’s boned corset and Jonny’s three-foot wig.

  The production team had provided a packed lunch for us all and mid-afternoon we stopped work to eat chapattis and drink bottled water.

  We all sat round cross-legged on the floor and Rex deigned to join us. “Here’s the thing” he said. “I’m not interested in this panto, and I sure don’t understand it. But I guess you are desperate, so I will ‘step in’.” This was all for the benefit of the camera and as we were being filmed throughout the day he’d obviously realised he wouldn’t be on air if he didn’t take part. He conceded to play the Baron and as there was no-one to play the wicked stepmother or the fairy godmother, I had offered to play these parts as well as directing. This meant that at the beginning, I’d have to be married to Rex. To say this was awkward was an understatement.

  We ate our chapattis and were going through our lines when Jonny decided to try and build bridges with Rex.

  “You’ve made quite an impression on the kids,” he said, desperately trying to ingratiate himself. I groaned inwardly. Why did he feel the need to do this?

  “What are you saying, boy, are you being sarcastic?” Rex said, putting down his chapatti. Everyone concentrated on their lunch or their lines. I almost choked on mine.

  “No, no...I’m just saying... The kids...seem to like you. Have they seen your films?” He tried.

  “No they fucking haven’t seen my films, Jonny.” He let it sink in, but as Jonny didn’t react, he went in for more mauling.

  “I make films for grown-ups. I’m not a kid’s entertainer, like you.”

  I desperately wanted to defend Jonny and tell Rex just what I thought of his bullying but now wasn’t the time.

  All I could do was move the conversation along in an attempt to stop the intimidation. “So, is everyone happy with rehearsal so far? I tried.

  “Oh it’s wonderful darling. Kenny Branagh would die of jealousy at my Drusella and Jonny’s Anastasia is an inspiration, my love.”

  Jonny smiled, pleased with the compliment.

  “I can understand what you were trying to tell us now Tanya – about this place and the kids...” Cindi said. “Bless ‘em, all they are looking for is love.”

  “You’re very profound today,” Jonny said.

  “I am a very profound woman Jonny. I’m not just a pretty face you know.”

  Rex and Nathan sniggered.

  “Pretty, maybe, but I wouldn’t say profound.” Rex sniped.

  “Yeah, well the only rule in life is: ‘don’t be boring and dress cute’,” said Cindi, eyeballing Rex. “So I think I’m ok.”

  “Who said that, the Dalai Lama?” Rex sneered.

  “No, he never dressed cute – it’s a quote from Paris!” she said, glaring at him like it should be obvious.

  “Where in Paris?”

  “Paris Hilton, silly.” she said, and flounced off to rehearse her lines.

  After lunch, we continued with rehearsal. There was much activity and noise as the camera crew filmed everyone being busy. Cindi and a couple of helpers were transforming all the children in the courtyard into tigers with face-paints. Little Maya never left my side and though she didn’t speak, she made it clear she wanted to help me wrap the toys that had been delivered for the children. She was mesmerised by the brightly-coloured gift paper and gently caressed each soft toy, before placing it delicately and lovingly in the crinkly wrapping. Then I noticed her very carefully rocking a small blue elephant. She did this for a while and I assumed she wanted it for herself. I was just about to say she could have it when she began wrapping it slowly and with great care and offered the ‘gift’ to me, her big shining eyes looking into mine, searching for a reaction. With tears in my eyes, I nodded and placed my palms together before accepting the gift.

  “Namaste, Maya,” I said, overwhelmed. She smiled and went back to wrapping the toys. I took a few minutes to compose myself, and continued to wrap.

  I was aware we were running out of time and there was still lots to do but everyone was busy. Rex was napping on the floor and Jonny was rehearsing his scenes with Marcus and Cindi; the only person who appeared to be hanging around was Tiff, so I asked if she could help me wrap – but she said no as she was helping Nathan.

  “I’m printing off 63 copies of his song lyrics, so every kid can sing along,” she said, rather smugly.

  “It’s kind of you, to spend all that time doing lyric-sheets for the children,” I said as she shuffled them with care into a pile, a job she clearly thought more important than gift-wrapping all the orphan’s toys. “Thing is, Tiff, the kids don’t all read and if they do, they don’t usually read English. Shame you’ve wasted time doing that when we’re all so busy. But I’m sure Nathan will be very grateful.”

  I looked straight at her, but she didn’t meet my eyes.

  I left quietly and went to find the others. Curtain-up was in less than half an hour and I was starting to feel really nervous.

  As Spa Trek went live at 1.45am it would be too late for the children, so the show was going to be filmed in the afternoon and we could watch it back later at camp. We all finally assembled in the hall, behind our makeshift ‘stage’ and it was clear I wasn’t the only one with the jitters. Everyone looked great in their costumes, but I think we were all somehow more worried about this show than the reality one we had been starring in since we got to Nepal. Then Flinty was in our faces, trying to make sure the cameras caught our nerves.

  “Ten minutes to go!” she said, dramatically. “Are you all ready?”

  We shuffled nervously. She grinned at us then went off with the cameraman into the hall to get some establishing shots.

  As the minutes ticked by to curtain-up, the tension mounted.

  Jonny looked across at Rex and tried to lighten the atmosphere with a corny joke.

  “Hey Rex, why are film stars cool? Go on, ask me?”

  Rex rolled his eyes at Nathan, who responded with a grimace. “So, why are film stars cool?” Jonny repeated, like he needed to because no-one had heard him. And when no-one responded to his stupid joke, he answered it himself.

  “Film stars are cool because they have fans... Geddit?”

  I noticed Rex’s jaw tighten, but it was too late to throw Jonny a lifeline.

  “Here’s a joke for ya,” Rex said slowly, staring at Jonny. “Why did the clown lose his career?” Jonny smiled nervously and we all held our breath.

  “Because he was a dick. Geddit? Stop with the fucking audition. It’s over.”

  “What’s over?” Jonny laughed nervously, looking around questioningly at us all, an embarrassed smile on his face. We all looked at the floor.

  “You don’t get it do you? You are over.”

  Jonny opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out. He shut it and opened it again, like a goldfish. “No-one here will tell you you’re not funny. None of them have the balls... And you know what Jonny? You know what? These ‘friends’ you’ve made, they’re glad you are such a loser. That way you’re no competition. You’ve no chance of winning this – because nobody backs a loser, Jonny. You are pathetic,” he spat.

  “I was... Only trying to make you laugh,” Jonny almost whispered, his head sinking into his chest.

  “Yeah well, that’s never gonna happen, Jonny Boy, because you are an old, talentless, waste of space!” Rex spat.

  “Just who the fuck do you think you are?” I heard myself say. Everyone’s heads snapped up in my direction, mouths agape.

  “Leave it Tanya...” Nathan started, like he was already my husband, like he had some influence over my actions, my feelings.

  “Don’t you DARE tell me what to do, Nathan. You’re no better than he is, just standing by. I won’t leave it.” I said, turning to Rex. I’d stood by and watched
as Rex bullied Jonny ever since we had arrived and enough was enough.

  “Do as your boyfriend tells you and keep out!” Rex snarled. He was leaning forward now, in my face, trying to intimidate me, but I wasn’t scared of him. I’d prodded vicious gang leaders in the chest and told them to run home to mummy. I’d slapped errant husbands and chastised druggie sons and the more I saw of this guy, the more I saw the similarities.

  “Who the fuck are you anyway, Tanya Travis, with your Jerry-Springer circus and your tight little tits?” he snarled.

  “You get your kicks crucifying people,” I said calmly. “But you are a coward, Rex Cannon. I’ve met more courageous, more honest people on my ‘tight-titted circus’ than you will ever be.”

  “Ha! You losers make me laugh,” he snorted, gearing up for combat.

  “Hey, Rex, easy,” Cindi tried.

  But Rex was on a roll. “Last night you showed me a photo of your ex,” he said, looking at Jonny. “Do you really think a woman like that ever loved you? Yeah, at the time there were a few hundred thousand reasons why she ‘loved’ you and when she’d spent them all she hit the road...”

  Rex’s cruelty took my breath away and made me think about my own life, my own success and how I’d ended up here.

  “That’s enough!” I heard myself bark, in a voice that used to make everyone stop in their tracks on my show. Wow, so it still works, I thought as everyone turned to look at me.

  “We’ve all hit a rocky patch,” I said. “That’s why we’re here, desperately trying to get our celebrity back. We’ve not given up, we’re not hurting anyone, we’re just trying to make the best of what we’ve got before the ‘the end of the pier show’ beckons. No-one’s kidding themselves that they are still at the top of their game; if we were, we’d be too busy to take weeks off, a million miles from home. We know this won’t win us Oscars and Baftas, we’ll be happy with an ad for Iceland and a few fête openings. It’s better than nothing...it’ll pay the rent and at least we’re not lying to ourselves, Rex.” I said, loudly and clearly.

  “Yeah? Well, I’m still someone in Hollywood” he spat, “and I got paid more than anyone else to be on this show. I’m the pull, the real star. This is just something I’m doing in between films.”

  “In between films, she says... Methinks the lady doth protest too much!” Marcus hissed.

  “Like I said... WE aren’t lying to ourselves,” I said, calmly. “Not any more, anyway.”

  “Until I came here, I Botoxed, spent a fortune on face-cream and believed cosmetic surgery could hold off the inevitable. But we all die in the end and all the facelifts and lies in the world can’t hold back time. The world is moving on.”

  He huffed.

  “Your attitude stinks, Rex,” I couldn’t stop now, “...and what’s more, your forehead’s so flat and eyes are so wide apart from surgery you look like an... An extraterrestrial.”

  The last bit sort of spilled out, (I’d been thinking it, but until now had fought to keep it to myself) but it was the thing that finally wiped the smirk off his face. Rex was scarlet with rage, Marcus’s cheeks were sucked right in and Cindi’s mouth was wide open.

  He didn’t care about the personality assassination; it was the ‘alien’ attack that hurt him. His shallowness ran deep.

  “You bitch,” he said, stepping towards me.

  “You don’t scare me, Rex.”

  “Well you scare me, Tanya Travis, with your cleaning and puking. Seems to me that the lady who runs the freak circus is the one who really needs a shrink. ”

  “Look, Rex” I said, taking a breath and trying to calm everything down. “Some human beings are stronger than others, physically and emotionally. Isn’t it up to the strong ones to help the weaker ones – not push them further into the ground? Hurting each other isn’t going to help any one of us.”

  Rex stared at me. I looked calmly back at him, refusing to break eye contact. All I could think was ‘Christ, I’ve done it now’.

  Then I heard a slow, solitary clap and turned to see Ardash; calm, strong, standing in the wings serious-faced, hands clapping.

  I flushed.

  Then Cindi took the cue and started clapping, followed by Marcus and Jonny. Nathan saw how many were clapping and he joined them.

  “Oh, screw you all!” said a furious Rex, and he stormed off. Cindi looked at me with confused admiration and Jonny smiled in gratitude, but Nathan couldn’t look at me.

  “Bravo, exquisite performance dear,” said Marcus.

  “Yeah, thanks Tanya,” added Jonny, weakly.

  I took a deep breath. I was shaking. But this reminded me why I got into this whole business in the first place. My ambition hadn’t always been about bespoke kitchens and designer suits, I’d wanted to help people. My sole aim when I started all those years ago was to be the voice for those who were too weak or too broken to speak for themselves.

  “Tanya, we now have a big problem.” Flinty was saying, looking at me. I looked up at her with a start. I hadn’t noticed her and the cameraman come back in but judging by her expression, they’d caught the whole argument.

  “You and Rex open the show. He’s just stormed off, with five minutes to go. What shall I do?”

  They all turned to me, expectantly. I took a deep breath.

  “Go and find him. Tell him it’s in his contract to participate – and tell him that it won’t look good for him on prime-time to ruin the show for the kids. He’ll come back.” I said, confidently.

  We all stood anxiously behind the makeshift curtain as the kids trooped in, squealing and skipping and singing. Rex still hadn’t appeared. My mouth went dry as I heard Sunita and the other staff quieten the children down. Cindi, Marcus and Jonny looked at me with concerned faces, afraid that Rex wouldn’t come back. Then suddenly, just as I prepared to announce that the show would have to be postponed, I spotted Rex storming back in. He arrived behind the curtain, angry (but I have to say still handsome) in his Baron’s costume.

  “Alright, you losers” he spat. “I don’t wanna see any of you ever again, but I won’t be the bad guy. Let’s get this over with.” Which would have been tough and intimidating, had he not been wearing a hat with a huge purple feather which waggled around every time he spoke.

  “Well done, Rex” whispered Cindi, giving him a pat on the back. He shrugged her off. And his feather waggled some more.

  I bit my lip nervously as the curtain was raised, then stepped forward onto the makeshift stage. There were cheers from the children as soon as they saw me. Rex also strode forward. “I am Baron Hardon!” he exclaimed. My mouth went dry.

  “HardUP” I hissed at him. I could hear Marcus sniggering behind in the wings.

  Rex glared at me. “I am Baron HardUP,” he tried again. “And this is my lovely new wife!”

  That bit must have killed him.

  “Now, where are my beautiful daughters?”

  Then Marcus and Jonny skipped onto the stage, dressed up like two deranged drag queens, Cindi’s make-up all over their faces. “Ooh Mummy!” Marcus exclaimed, batting comedy eyelashes. “The Princey-wincey is having a ball!”

  I don’t know how much the children understood but they were soon laughing and cheering along. Even Rex was pulling a performance out of the bag now he was in front of everyone and the cameras were on. When my part had finished, I stood in the wings for a few moments and listened, delighted at the reaction.

  The panto was basic, patched together in an afternoon by a well-meaning group of people. It wasn’t award-winning, the costumes were rubbish and the set kept collapsing, but watching the kids scream laughing at Jonny’s antics and their hilarity at Marcus’s camp glamour was pure magic. Jonny’s slapstick falls and funny facial expressions went down a storm and an old queen in a corset with a bowl of fruit for a hat was funny in any language. He fell over, camped it up and when his mangoes accidentally fell out of his bra I thought the kids would never stop laughing. I had to make another cameo as the Fairy Godmother
and the children cheered loudly again as I stepped on and transformed Cinderella’s fortunes. Then Nathan came on as Prince Charming, singing his latest song and looking incredibly handsome. I’d secretly hoped he would keep it short, but the longer it went on the more anxious I became and had to do a quick wipe of the hands to try and calm myself. Our audience sat quietly, politely listening but I spotted Sunita doling out a few gentle warnings as the kids began to lose interest, get bored and chatter. I hated myself for not feeling supportive and proud, but it was tortuous watching the audience fidget and gaze around. We were losing them and I just wanted Nathan to finish so we could get back to what the kids could enjoy. Fortunately, Cindi was on next and they loved ‘beautiful princess’ as they called her and clapped loudly and whistled when she went to the ball.

  At Marcus’s insistence, we had an interval after Cinderella fled from the ball and her coach turned into a pumpkin. “We have to do everything properly dear, no short-cuts – this is a performance after all.” He said, readjusting his mangoes.

  During the interval, (where orange cordial was served in paper cups courtesy of the production company) I bumped into Ardash.

  “So Tanya, you came back, you brought friends... And lots of happiness.”

  “Yes and it’s not just about the TV show; when I’m home in England I won’t forget the orphanage, Ardash. I promise.” I smiled.

  “I can’t believe how brilliant it all is,” Flinty said, rushing over and congratulating me. “I’m going to start editing now and I will be spoilt for choice, there’s so much great stuff here. I have to tell you Tanya, I didn’t think you’d still be on Spa Trek by now, let alone bringing everyone together and putting on a show like this... I mean – hell, we thought you were off your rocker a few days ago!”

  “I think I probably was,” I said, sipping the sugary orange. Ardash and I exchanged smiles as Flinty skipped off to her edit.

  “I was in a bad place. I just felt so lost, but I’m feeling better now,” I said, smiling at him.

  “I hope you have found peace, Tanya, but as we say in here in Nepal, we look for light while carrying a lamp...sometimes we don’t see what is already there.”