Younger Thinner Blonder

by Sue Watson

  I smiled at him and heard Marcus’s imitation buzzer for the second act. Everyone was back in their seats and it wasn’t long before the audience were roaring again. When Prince Charming brought the slipper round for the Ugly Sisters to try, Marcus had us all in stitches with his wayward mangoes and over-the-top acting.

  “This is my shoe, it’s mine, all mine,” Marcus screeched, squeezing his size tens into one of Cindi’s size three stilettos. “Oh, look how pretty I am,” he exclaimed, getting up and staggering around the stage with half his foot hanging out. The kids loved it, he was such an outrageous ham it didn’t matter that he didn’t speak the same language. They understood it all from his exaggerated actions and facial expressions.

  For the grand finale – Cinderella’s wedding to Prince Charming – Nathan was in his best suit, brought from home for the programme final. He walked on stage and I caught my breath at the sight of him: tall and handsome, smiling just like a fairy-tale prince. I imagined how he’d look at our wedding but couldn’t help but think what a good-looking couple he and Cindi made. The kids liked the handsome prince but it was the beautiful princess that drew the yells and applause. I smiled to myself in the darkness; young beautiful women are admired at any age, in any language.

  Nathan as Prince Charming sung the song he had written again, as a wedding present to Cinderella. Even though I was glad he was able to sing it twice, it felt like a bit of an anti-climax because it was the last bit of the show and the kids didn’t know it. As he finished the final chords and the kids clapped politely, I knew what we needed to do next. “Ardash!” I said. “We need an encore.”

  His face broke out into a grin and together we stepped forward to join Cinderella and Prince Charming, starting to clap out the beat to We Will Rock You. As soon as the kids heard it, they went wild. The noise was deafening and they joined in loudly and joyfully. Nathan looked a bit surprised but picked up his guitar and started strumming the chords and the room was filled with a cacophony of children’s voices, clapping and music.

  I glanced over at Ardash; the pride and love on his face caused a lump in my throat. Like a father, he’d taught the children the words to songs like this since they were babies, and now he conducted from centre-stage as his ‘pupils’ sang loudly and confidently, to be heard by millions of people, thousands of miles away.

  I glanced at Maya sitting in the front row and thought I saw her mouth move. I leaned forward. Looking into her face, I almost wept to see her lips moving slowly and awkwardly over each word.

  Ardash had been right. It had always been about me until now, but this was something different – a feeling I’d never felt before. Expensive French face creams and high end splash backs had never given me a rush like this.

  As I sang along with Maya and the others, I put my arm around her tiny shoulder, my heart swelled with the sound of the voices. It was music so loud and beautiful I swear it could be heard throughout the Kathmandu night.

  TWEET: @AstridLun I bloody love Tanya + all the kids she should have made @GokWan Prince Charming not sex addict @NathanWells #BringBackDocMartin

  29

  Twinkling Porn Stars and Big Dark Clouds

  Arriving back at camp, there was much excitement as the live show was about to begin and we would be watching the panto on a monitor live on air. We were all on a high – apart from Rex, who spent the long journey with his eyes shut, though I doubt he was asleep.

  We gathered around the camp fire and waited for Carol-Ann to come over and the show to start. I snuggled up next to Nathan and we giggled to each other privately as Marcus held forth on his ‘Summer of ‘91, playing opposite ‘La Mirren’ in No Sex Please, We’re Italian at The Young Vic. He was still wearing his corset outside his clothes, smoking a cigarette and reminiscing as everyone listened, the afterglow of the panto still shimmering upon us.

  “The critics loathed the play, of course,” he sighed. “Such snobbery. All because the storyline covered illegitimate children, incest and small willies.”

  “Sounds like one of my shows,” I smiled.

  Everyone laughed and Nathan squeezed me around the shoulder with pride.

  Things were finally coming together for me. I felt very happy sitting in a huddle waiting for the film with my friends and soon-to-be husband; I had plans for the future which didn’t involve me and TV and – for the first time in a long time – I actually liked myself. I was reflecting on this when Flinty came over to tell us the panto bit would be on last and to make sure we were ready when Carol-Ann came to the campfire to introduce it.

  “Darling, did you capture the essence of my Drusella on film?” Marcus asked. Flinty laughed.

  “I can assure you, everyone was ‘captured’ beautifully!” she said. “I’ve also used some of the footage from Tanya’s visit to the orphanage the other day,” she said. “I almost cried editing it – moving stuff. Anyway, just three minutes before we go live, so lots of energy tonight please, guys, see you on the other side.”

  Carol-Ann arrived, did the usual long-winded hello and after some live interviews with us and several VTs finally introduced the panto footage. There was great anticipation waiting for the panto VT to roll. We all crowded round the monitor with cameras in our faces, filming us as we watched, which was surreal. The film began with rehearsals, lots of shots of Cindi’s perfect body getting dressed and undressed, Marcus smoking from his cigarette-holder outside in a corset with lipstick on. In one shot Rex was asleep and the kids were tying his trainer laces together. Then there was a shot from a distance of Rex shouting at me and storming off. Then the show itself came on and there were lots of slow motion close-ups of kids’ smiling faces, mad slapstick from Jonny and camp, corseted outrage from Marcus. Cindi looked stunning in her gown at the end and Nathan looked pretty damn hot. Then Nathan looked into Cindi’s eyes at their wedding celebration and told her he was going to sing a song just for her. He got his guitar and strummed the first line. Then the VT cut to the kids jumping up and down in their seats and clapping the rhythm to We Will Rock You and Ardash, me and the whole cast singing along in one triumphant, happy finale.

  Then suddenly, the action returned to the day I’d been at the orphanage alone. Music had been edited on and as the whole orphanage sang along with Ardash, I thought, this is as it should be – it’s their show – not ours. I could feel a cool, wet tear slip from one eye, it was so moving, so unstaged. Then as the strains of We Will Rock You died out, the music became softer. And there was footage of me, playing with the kids, changing the babies and having a little cry when faced with the pail full of dirty nappies. Then me again, this time with my industrial gloves on, scrubbing. The VT ended with a slow motion shot of Maya running into my arms on the day I returned, then the children’s happy faces at the end of our panto. I was stunned. It was such a short section, only a few minutes – but it made me realise how far I’d come since I had been here.

  As it came to an end, Carol-Ann rushed towards us on camera, her hands held high, clapping. “What a show you lot – what an amazing show!” she was clearly moved by what she’d seen and before going to the next VT said: “This show is about entertainment, it’s about showing celebrities in their true light, it’s about taking someone out of a life of luxury and attention and offering them... nothing. After ten days the celebs will go home – these kids won’t. Please go to our website and give.”

  I was delighted. They had used the footage to show the viewers what life in the orphanage was like and how just a little could make a big difference. And they’d clearly set up a donation site too. The tears fell easily now, and I was unashamed.

  “Well, what a night!” Carol-Ann was saying. “But despite theatrical success, it’s still eviction night, people! We will be back after the break to see whose acting didn’t impress and who will be leaving the mountains tonight!”

  I had almost forgotten it was an eviction but I was beyond caring whether I was voted out. I sat with Cindi and we squeezed each other’s hands
as Carol-Ann’s make-up was touched up in the break. Then we all sat together as she went through the torturous eviction process, taunting and teasing until she came to the final announcement.

  “So, the celebrity that the public has voted out tonight is...” she said, pausing for dramatic effect “...Big, bad Rex Cannon!”

  Rex was genuinely surprised, but after what the viewers had seen today, I wasn’t.

  “Oh My God,” said Cindi, squeezing my arm. “I’m still here! I don’t believe it!”

  “Neither do I, honey... You Brits have no taste,” said Rex and without smiles or hugs he marched away from the campfire and was gone.

  “So many failed comics to taunt, so little time,” said Marcus, right on cue.

  The show ended and we looked in wonder at each other, most of us close to tears but proud of what we’d achieved that day. I went to find Nathan, who was sitting very quietly on his own. He had liked Rex, so I wondered if he was sad about him leaving.

  “You OK, darling?” I whispered. He put his head down: he was upset.

  “It’s what happened at the orphanage,” he said.

  “Aw, I know I felt the same when I went there first time. It’s a shock isn’t it? But I think we can do something... Babe I have plans. We can help them as soon as we get back. I want to start a charity, do a documentary about the orphanage... We have to make people aware...”

  He pulled away sharply, turning from everyone. “Shut up about the bloody kids, Tanya,” he said under his breath. “Christ, you’re obsessed. What about me? I had the chance for some serious exposure tonight and that bitch Flinty cut my singing.” With that he got up and walked quickly into the darkness.

  I was about to follow him when I noticed Cindi twinkling over a glass of wine and Marcus hugging Jonny. They were giggling, drinking, allowed to stay happy and still on a high, relive the madness and fun of the day. But I had been brought down with a bump by Nathan. Like a big dark cloud he’d descended on me, taking away the glitter and the stars with what seemed to be his constant refrain; ‘What about me, Tanya?’

  Not once had he said, ‘well done’, or ‘how do you feel Tanya?’ It was always about him. Is that how I seemed to Ardash? Selfish, self-obsessed: the ‘what about me’ westerners.

  For a moment I almost gave in and went after him but I was actually a bit ashamed and annoyed by his behaviour. So I walked towards the light and laughter to join the others and was overwhelmed by the warmth of their welcome as they congratulated and hugged me. OK, it was all a bit over the top and ‘luvvie-ish’ but that was the way celebrities did things, with hugs and air-kisses and lavish compliments. There was nothing else to do but smile and hold out my beaker for someone to fill it with wine.

  “Come here, girl,” Cindi was slightly tipsy already and leaning on me.

  I smiled as we clinked beakers.

  “I know I’m pissed, but I have to say this before it’s too late Tan... are you really, really, really sure you want to marry Nathan?”

  “Oh Cindi, I don’t want to get into all that now.”

  “I mean, when there are men like Ardash around?” she started.

  “Mmmm. Has it occurred to you I might actually love Nathan?”

  She sniggered; “I reckon it’s more like lust. You’re not that daft – I mean Nathan’s a cute guy, but love...seriously?”

  “What about you and Rex..? Seriously.” I mimicked her voice.

  “Oh he’s rich, and a film star...what’s not to like? Anyway, he’s gone now... there was never anything in it. I just did it to please my management. But Ardash... Now that’s a man.”

  “Oh no, you’ve been taken in, Cindi. He’s got lots of girlfriends, he’s quite a player. I’ve noticed you both whispering...catching each other’s eye, secret smiles...the odd wink?”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  So I was right, there was some chemistry between Cindi and Ardash.

  “I’ve never been known for my subtlety but I didn’t realise our little chats were quite so noticeable,” she chuckled, putting her hand over her mouth, horrified to be discovered.

  “Well, they were,” I smiled. I felt a chink of light go out in my heart. I didn’t even know it was there. But why? I was in love with Nathan, my future husband, I shouldn’t feel a twinge of sadness because Ardash had fallen for Cindi. It was bound to happen, she was gorgeous... and so was he.

  “Tan, you just don’t get it, do you?” Cindi was slurring in my face: “The reason me and Ardash have been whispering and winking is because he told me he luurves you.”

  I looked at her blankly. The chink of light returned.

  “Yeah, Ardash had really got it bad for you Tanya and when Nathan turned up he was a bit down. I was someone for him to talk to. We both feel that Nathan is... Oh god I’m drunk, I shouldn’t be saying this... He’s no good for you.”

  “Oh Cindi, Nathan isn’t perfect, but who is?”

  “Well it’s up to you, Tan,” she said, grabbing a bottle and pouring us both some more wine. But all I could think was: did she mean it about Ardash liking me? Or was she just drunk and feeling a bit sorry for me? And where the fuck had Nathan got to?

  It wasn’t long before one of those questions was answered. Nathan returned and sat in the dark under a tree, probably waiting for me to go and placate him. Within seconds, Tiffany joined him and even in the firelight from a few yards away I could see the desperate eagerness to please him dancing in her eyes.

  I watched them, waiting for the sting of jealousy to hit: that familiar salty taste of resentment and hurt I’d feel as he talked intimately with another woman. I thought about the children we’d never have and felt incredibly sad for what might have been. And all the time I saw Maya’s pleading eyes, her tiny hand.

  Nathan looked up and I caught his eye; he smiled sulkily, like he was suffering and it was all my fault. I looked away – he was only using Tiff as a shoulder to cry on because I wasn’t there for him. I felt guilty: if he needed to chat with her as a result of my treatment of him, I had only myself to blame. I looked over again, unable to keep my eyes from him, willing him to come back to me, to make it alright again. I didn’t want to lose that but I knew from now I had to be stronger and not give in to him so easily. He stood up, left Tiff alone by the tree and wandered over to where I was, with the other celebrities. He’d done the maths: he was beautiful and selfish and he had to stay with me on this show if he wanted any kind of stardust.

  “Hey guys” he said with a weak smile.

  “We were just talking about what we are going to do after the show, Nathan” Cindi said. “It’s nearly over, after all!”

  His jaw clenched. “Well, hopefully I’ll be singing my songs to an audience bigger than the orphanage!” he quipped. I turned away from him, towards Jonny. I had to make him realise that he was the one in the wrong this time.

  “What about you, Jonny?”

  “I don’t know” he said with a sad smile. “What if Rex was right? What if I am over and I can’t get my wife back?”

  “Jonny. Take my advice and face the truth, she might never come back. And you can waste your life wishing for something that may never happen, being something you’re not and looking over your shoulder to see if anyone’s guessed. We all grow old and we have to stop kidding ourselves that we can be the person we once were. That young, talented person who thought anything was possible doesn’t exist anymore. Once you realise that, you can get on with the rest of your life,” I said, realising that I had only just realised that.

  He nodded.

  “Anyway, what about being a children’s entertainer? You were great with the kids.”

  His face brightened. “I could do. But would I get work? I just don’t know anymore.”

  “The truth is you don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed,” pronounced Cindi.

  “Ernest Hemingway?” I asked hopefully.

  “No! Not some old geezer called Ernest, w
hat do you think I am, Tan? Can’t you guess who said that?”

  “Strindberg?” offered Marcus, getting into the swing with a wicked grin.

  “Eminem,” she said, like it was obvious.

  Marcus unfurled himself and held out his arms in full Shakespearian mode. “Ah, Eminem! That profound social commentator – the Plato of our times – the great man otherwise known as, ‘Slim Shady’.”

  TWEET: @AstridLun Can’t shitting wait 4 @TanyaTruth 2 come back. She will piss with happiness @KimKardashian new baby #TanyaMountainQueen

  30

  Sad Goodbyes and a Time for Truth

  The following night we were back in the public firing line for another live eviction. We’d all been allowed to sleep for the morning after the panto and though we still hadn’t spoken, Nathan had tried to cuddle up to me in the night. For the first time, I didn’t feel relief or gratitude that he still wanted me. I didn’t know what was going to happen with us, though I did know things would have to change. In the afternoon, Ardash led us on a very tough trek and Nathan gave up and went back to camp about half way through, claiming that he’d hurt his ankle. The rest of us finished it and were rewarded with a delicious curry.

  “With just five celebrities left, tonight’s eviction is a double... and it’s gonna be a good’un!” said Carol-Ann joyfully. “Vote to save your favourite, and join us after the break when all will be revealed...Who’s leaving Celebrity Spa Trek tonight?” She did a cute little skip and winked at the camera. Her skirt flitted upwards, rewarding the viewers with the promise of another glimpse of young thigh if they returned after the commercial break.

  She skipped off, returning within seconds in a tight little evening dress, which seemed wholly inappropriate for a mountain in Nepal but she looked lovely. Twenty-four hours of our lives were condensed into 47 minutes and we waited in taut silence for our fate.

  “So yesterday we said goodbye to big, bad Rex Cannon” she started. “And tonight, we say goodbye to two more spa-trekking celebrities.” I was so nervous. It was too soon for me to go; I still had questions to be answered. I wanted to learn more about myself and didn’t want to leave my friends – or Nathan. I had to work out what was going to happen between us.