Younger Thinner Blonder

by Sue Watson

  Of course, there was also the horrific prospect that if I was voted out tonight my lovely agent would be waiting at the end of the rope bridge screaming about ‘deals.’ She’d currently be doing her darnedest to get me into as many fake magazine stories as she could, while I was still in the public’s consciousness.

  “So, the celebrities going tonight are...”

  “Just tell us, you silly cow,” Cindi murmured, her leg waggling constantly despite her toothy smile for the camera.

  Marcus clutched his chest. “I am having a heart-attack,” he whimpered and collapsed in front of the campfire. I stood up, thinking he was dying but just as I reached him he sprang back to sit cross-legged, his floral, rhododendron headdress slightly askew.

  “You are wicked Marcus, I almost believed you,” I said, ripping out a wipe.

  “That’s because I am an actorrrrr darling,” he purred, pleased he could still do it.

  “So tonight, the first celebrity to be sent home, voted out by you the public is...drum-roll please...”

  “Fuck the drum-roll dear, pray tell who... Who...?” pleaded Marcus, wiping his eyes.

  “...The marvellous, the talented, the ever-theatrical Marcus Brightman!”

  “Oh, no!” I heard myself say.

  “Oh My God,” shouted Cindi. “I don’t believe it!”

  Marcus was smiling graciously and stood up to take centre-stage.

  “It’s been...emotional” he said, breaking into tears. “I don’t want to do a Gwyneth but I do want to say it’s been the most amazing experience of my life. I have trodden the boards with the greatest thespians the world has ever known; I’ve dined with Dench, I’ve danced with Mirren and I’ve shared a codpiece with Kenny Branagh (on different nights you understand). But my time here in Nepal...” he broke down again and at the risk of this speech continuing through the ads for tampons and tea bags, Carol-Ann stepped in, gently pushing his back with her hand.

  “And thank YOU for being a wonderful camper,” she said. “I’ll see you for lashings of champagne later,” almost pushing him into the bushes to get him off.

  The remaining four of us looked at each other warily. We weren’t friends now, but competitors. Even Nathan had a determined look on his face and it crossed my mind (uncharitably) that he’d become so obsessed with winning that if he had to choose between me and him, he’d throw me under the bus.

  “And the second celebrity to leave tonight is...”

  We all held our breath.

  “It’s that lovely old comedy genius and all-round good egg... Jonny!”

  I gasped with relief, shock and gratitude to the Great British Public. What was going on outside in the real world that was causing me to have a modicum of popularity? Obviously I’d be next, but at least I had another night.

  We all hugged Jonny, who seemed so used to defeat he took it well, like it was almost inevitable. “I told you...” he kept saying, over and over again. “I knew it would be me... I want to go...it’s time...” – all the stuff we say when we don’t really mean it but are just trying to save face.

  This may have started as a shot in the arm for our careers and bank balances but somewhere along the way it had changed. Being there seemed to bring out a genuine human need to be liked, approved of – loved, even. We wanted this from the voting public and also from our peers. So Cindi, Nathan and I sat in front of the camera, all flawed, all fragile, all deeply grateful to be given a reward, an acknowledgement, a sign that we were liked.

  The show closed and though I was pleased at the outcome, I was exhausted – being up every day in the middle of the night was taking its toll. None of us really felt like drinking around the fire to celebrate being in the final three, especially not now Marcus had left. So we all went back to our tents.

  “I don’t want to sound mean, but I’m glad the others have gone, well – apart from Cindi.” I said to Nathan as we got ready for sleep. He was snuggling down in his sleeping bag but I wanted to try and get him to talk. We had a lot to sort out... like our future.

  “It will be good to spend these last two days together – just you and me and Cindi,” I said.

  “Yeah,” he said, gazing at the tent roof. “It’s a lovely place.”

  “Romantic,” I added, with a smile.

  He nodded.

  “Nathan. I know it’s been stressful here. You and I haven’t really communicated the last couple of days, have we?”

  “I was upset. Frustrated, Tanya – I had an amazing opportunity to sing on prime-time and it was taken from me.”

  “Nathan, I don’t mean to make your problems seem unimportant, because they’re not... But being here has made me see things differently,” I touched his knee and leaned into him to soften what I was about to say. “You not having prime-time exposure isn’t the same as a child without a home, a mother, a limb.”

  He didn’t look up. OK, so I would avoid that subject for now.

  “Are you happy, Nathan?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I mean, about the wedding. About us?”

  “Of course, I can’t wait to be married. And Tanya, I’m not being selfish... I get what you mean, about the orphans.”

  “Oh Nathan, I knew you just needed to get your head round it. We’ll really get involved in the orphanage when we get back home, it’s a vision we can share. I just want to put everything bad behind us. We need to start with a clean slate now...and I hate to bring it up, but if we’re being honest...that includes your friendships with women. I know I’ve been jealous and I was wrong but you must respect me and see things from my point of view.”

  “Yes I know, but those girls... I keep telling you, nothing happened. They were just out for what they could get,” he said, turning to face me. “I knew that baby wasn’t mine, but you never believed me.”

  “Nathan, I didn’t know who to believe. She seemed to have proof ... She described our house, our...bedroom in detail, she mentioned your birthmark – how did she know all that?”

  “Oh Christ, here we go.”

  “I don’t want to upset you. I believe you, but you have to see it from my perspective. I still don’t know what happened, how she came to know all about my wardrobe, my cleaning fluids, the face creams I use...”

  “She’d seen them in the glossy mags.”

  “Nathan, I never let the magazines in my bedroom. I always got Astrid to dress up the spare room and make it look like it was mine.”

  “Stop with the interrogation. I’m marrying you, isn’t that proof enough that I want to be with you and no-one else?”

  “Just tell me the truth. I can put up with anything – and it doesn’t matter anymore whether you did sleep with her or not. But if we’re going to make this marriage work, we have to be honest with each other from the beginning.”

  “How honest do I have to be? I’m telling you the fucking truth, Tanya,” he said, turning away from me. “And if we’re gonna make this marriage work – as you say – how about less jealousy and paranoia from you?”

  I looked at him steadily. I didn’t want to beg for his forgiveness as I had always done after these sorts of conversations. If we had a future, I had to be strong. It was up to me to make this work, to help Nathan to become a good partner, because no-one was perfect and he was the right one for me. I was too old to start looking again, but too young to commit to a life alone, so the answer was Nathan. I knew if I was there for him and supported him, he would make a good husband. “Are you looking forward to going home?” I asked.

  “Yes I can’t wait to go home and work on my album. I should get some interest after being on this show.”

  “I need to tell you something Nathan. I think I’ve lost the house.” I said quickly.

  “What do you mean? You can’t have – my recording studio’s there.”

  “I’m so sorry, but it will have been repossessed by now,” I started to cry. The plan had been for Donna to deal with it all in my absence, which was easier for me but it meant I hadn
’t really had the time or the opportunity to take it in properly myself. Everything in England felt like something on another planet, in a different time-zone.

  He looked at me like I’d slapped him. “I can’t believe you’d let it go! Has someone bought it? Can we rescue it?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think so. Oh, I know it’s a shock and we were happy there, but it was only a house... We still have each other...”

  “I’m not talking about the fucking house – I’m talking about my recording studio!” he shouted. “You earned loads of money, where’s it all gone, Tanya?”

  “I earned enough, but we lived beyond my means if I’m honest. I never owned the house, just had a huge mortgage that realistically I’d never have paid off – then I took out a second mortgage to pay for the studio.”

  “Fucking hell, have you any idea how much that studio meant to me? It was my life.”

  “We can always get another home, another studio. It might be smaller and not quite as good but...”

  “You lied to me. I finally got my recording studio and you just gave it away...”

  “Well, I didn’t actually lie. You never asked me. And if I talked about money you said I was being tight. You wanted the recording studio so much that I couldn’t refuse you. And it would have been OK, but...then I lost my job and...everything else...”

  I leaned on his shoulder, sobbing. His arms hung loosely around me but I didn’t feel warmth.

  “Look Tanya, I need time to think about all this. I don’t know what I’m going to do if my studio’s gone, it’s my livelihood.”

  “I know, I know,” I didn’t have the heart to point out that he hadn’t actually earned anything from the studio yet.

  “So we’ll just have to get somewhere when we get back that’s big enough for another recording studio,” he said.

  “We won’t be able to afford it, Nathan.”

  “You’ll get a huge fee from this show, won’t you? I bet it’s a damn sight bigger than mine, they’re paying me peanuts,” he snapped.

  “Yes they are paying me well but I need to pay off my debts back home and...I’m going to give the remainder to the orphanage.”

  “What? We’re pot-less and you’re giving it away? Are you mad?”

  “No... I thought you understood, about the children?”

  “The children? What about me? I can’t listen to any more of this, I’m going for a walk,” he snapped, unravelling my arm from his.

  “Let me come with you...”

  “No. I need to be on my own. I am so upset about everything Tanya, I can’t believe you’d do this to me.”

  He set off into the night, away from me. I didn’t follow him or plead with him, I just let him grow smaller and smaller until he disappeared.

  I couldn’t sleep, so I got up to sit by the campfire. I felt lonely, especially now Marcus had been evicted and Nathan hadn’t returned. I wondered if he was OK and when I heard a rustle behind me, I thought he was back. For a moment my heart lifted, perhaps we could talk things through, make it all better?

  “Nathan?” I said. I clambered up and ran towards the sound, landing slap-bang into Ardash. He was surprised and so was I. “I’m sorry, I thought you were...”

  “Nathan?” he asked, guiding me slowly back to the campfire.

  “Well, yes. We had...an argument, he’s upset. I don’t know what to do. I should just forget about stupid reality shows and go home...I have so many problems that need to be sorted.” I said, and started to cry. I felt a soft hand on my back.

  “Tanya please, why are you crying?”

  “It’s Nathan, I sold his recording studio – well it was taken actually. I have no money, my home is gone. And he can’t write music without a studio...and...”

  “Stop the talking, Tanya, see what is in the front of you. ” he said, sitting down by the campfire and gesturing for me to join him, “why are you looking for light while carrying a lamp? You have your health? You have food to eat?”

  “Yes I’m healthy but there’s no recording studio, no house, all my shoes will have been sold...”

  “So you have nothing to put on your feet?”

  “Well, yes, I do...but...my Jimmy Choos have gone...”

  “So this Jimmy Choos has left you, but you have shoes. Tanya, many people in Nepal have no shoes. They have no home – they don’t know what a recording studio is. They will be lucky if they have a meal tonight so don’t tell me you are crying about your shoes, Tanya.”

  “Oh God, Ardash... I’m not...it’s just everything I worked for has gone and I mourn it.”

  “I know, but when we say we have nothing, we have nothing. When Tanya Travis says she has nothing she means she has food, clothes, somewhere safe to sleep...which to us is everything. Tanya, you are rich.”

  I smiled at the irony and the contrast between my conversation with Nathan and Ardash’s simple reaction to my whingeing, which translated to ‘shut up and count your blessings’.

  “You always seem to give me perspective at just the right time”, I smiled. As I looked at him, his hand reached up and gently touched my face, his hand now softly cupping my cheek. In his eyes I saw something I’d never seen before, I didn’t know what it was but it made me feel giddy and guilty at the same time.

  “Tanya, you are wise, but you don’t see...I think you are lovely.”

  “And I... I think you’re teasing me again,” I tried. I had to lighten the atmosphere, it was all so intense and I was so vulnerable and mixed up I didn’t know what was going to happen or if I’d be able to stop it if it did.

  “Ardash, I have to say before I leave tomorrow that spending time with you, particularly at the orphanage and on the mountains, has truly changed my life. I hope you are happy in the future, but if I can, for once, offer you some advice – you need to choose between your four girlfriends.”

  It took a few seconds for him to digest what I’d said.

  “I have the girlfriends?” he asked, looking surprised, holding his head to one side questioningly.

  “You said you had four? And someone’s going to get hurt.”

  He held out four fingers to check that’s what it meant. “Four? Ah, very lucky man to be having four of the girlfriends... But no.”

  “But you said so. You told me, you have four bahini, four girlfriends?”

  “Ah Tanya,” he smiled, shaking his head. “Yes, I have four bahini, which means girlfriends, yes...or sisters. Now, I have four of the sisters. Nepali language is difficult for the English. I call you bahini as you are a female friend, but my sisters also bahini... You read the Nepali dictionary, sometimes confusing.”

  “Yes, very,” I smiled, surprised at my own relief that he wasn’t some ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ womaniser with four on the go at the same time. This news almost restored my faith in men...almost.

  Later, I sat alone by the campfire and thought hard about everything that had happened to me in Nepal. The night turned to dawn, then to bright morning. The birds started singing and the sun rose over the stunning mountains. I felt the warmth on my face, and as nature started to stir around me, I could see Nathan return, snaking back through the trees. I didn’t know where he had been or what he had been doing – and I was surprised to discover that I didn’t have the energy or the inclination to find out. As he headed towards me I got up and went back to our tent. With the sun streaming through the open flap, I curled up on my sleeping bag like a cat and went to sleep.

  TWEET: @AgentDonna wedding date now set for @TanyaTruth. Read the #exclusive in #OKMagazine #TheCakeFairy #VeraWang #HoneymoonOnNeckerIsland

  31

  Same Story, Different Blonde

  I was awoken after a few hours by a runner. There were still tasks for us to do even though it was our last day in camp. We assembled by the campfire and Flinty appeared with her clipboard and three packed lunches.

  “Well, it’s been all about teamwork so far!” she said brightly. “But as well as teamwork, today is ab
out reflection. It’s about seeing the mountains and taking on board everything you have experienced. It’s also about testing your orienteering skills!”

  She handed out maps and compasses to the three of us.

  “What’s this for?” asked Cindi, turning her compass round and round. Flinty ignored her.

  “Today, you will be planning your own trek. You need to plan a route that will take you three hours and land you back here, at camp. You will of course have a camera and a guide following you, but at a distance, so you will lead the way!”

  I wasn’t too enthusiastic. I felt awkward around Nathan and though we needed to clear the air, I felt I needed to sort my head out first.

  Cindi was really up for it as she wanted to firm her thighs for a swimsuit shoot booked for the following week and we all set off with our trekking guide, Raj. Ardash for once wasn’t leading us. Flinty had given him other tasks in camp in preparation for the show’s finale.

  We sat around the campfire together awkwardly and looked at the map.

  “Well I think we should go this way!” said Cindi, randomly pointing to a place on the map.

  “Why don’t we just trek to the lake and back?” I suggested. “We should be able to remember the way, from our treks with Ardash. Remember all the times he told us which way the sun was, and where North is?”

  Nathan and Cindi both looked at me uncertainly.

  “OK Tan, you lead the way.” said Cindi with a smile.

  I sighed and got to my feet. “Let’s go.”

  Nathan, Cindi and I walked side by side, saying nothing to each other, though I did see out of the corner of my eye Nathan looking at me. He was probably expecting me to try and make up with him and be the first to reach out as I’d always done but I wasn’t sure. I needed to think clearly about everything.