We walked into the apartment and Grace looked unsure of what to do next. Like a lost kitten who didn’t recognize where they were. She paced around the living room, not sitting down, never stopping long enough for that.
“I’m the same person I was when we came in here earlier,” I said softly.
“Are you?” The anger in her words caught me off guard. “Just give me a minute to get my bearings, okay?” She gave me a dark look.
“Understandable, honey. Please let me explain who Fiona is.” I motioned to the living room. When she was seated across from me, I sighed and started in on the whole mess.
“Fiona was Jackson’s mom. We met our freshman year of high school and dated all the way through. I always knew there was something off about her, but at that point in my life, I didn’t care. All I cared was that she wanted to have sex with me regularly.” I stopped for a moment, the words had left a sour taste in my mouth.
“After we found out about Jackson, she wanted to have an abortion. I wouldn’t let her. She hated me all through the pregnancy.”
“That must have been hard,” Grace said slowly.
“It wasn't easy. And at that time, we both were into drugs. She had been a daily user before the baby, but I never was. It was typical rich kid shit. We did whatever we wanted and to hell with the consequences. Jackson was the result of years of unprotected sex. I’ll never look at him as anything but a miracle, but Fiona never saw him that way. She hated him from the second she saw those two lines on the stick.”
“Wow. I really don't know what to say to that.” She shook her head.
“There’s more. After we went to the doctor the first time, I made her go to rehab. Her parents had cut her off financially right after high school because she hadn’t wanted to go to college. So, she was totally dependent on me. She knew if she didn’t go to rehab she wouldn't be taken care of the way she was accustomed to.” I got up and paced around the living room.
“After rehab, I made sure someone was with her at all times. She hated me. She even tried to kill herself once. I came into the bathroom and found her in the tub with her wrists slit. At that time, I wondered if maybe I had made a mistake by making her go through with the pregnancy. After Jackson was born, she left. She was gone as soon as she was able to walk. I promised her I would give her money until she got on her feet.”
“Where did she go?”
“I don't really know. I didn’t care back then, I was immersed in Jackson. Everything was about him.”
“And after he died?” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“I got in touch with one of her dealers.” I swallowed. “She didn’t bother showing up for the funeral, but she did come around a year later.” I stopped, needing time to gather my thoughts.
“And? What did she want?” she demanded.
“Me, she wanted me. She told me she had cleaned up her act and wanted to give us another try. She gave me a sob story about how she had been out of her mind on the drugs and didn’t know what she was doing when she left me and Jackson.”
“Did you believe her?”
“I wanted to. She was my link to him. The piece of him that wasn’t all mine.”
“You took her back.” It wasn’t a question, her tone was flat.
“Yes,” I whispered. “We had such a fucked-up relationship. It was always me saving her.”
“Do you love her?”
“No. I don’t think what I ever felt for her was love. Pity. Obligation. Lust. But never love.”
“How long were you with her that last time?” She scrubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. Like this was too much for her to hear. I hated that I was responsible for the lost look in her eyes.
“On and off most of my twenties. I ended things for good after I turned thirty. And I honestly haven’t seen her in six months. I don’t know why she came here today, or what she hoped to accomplish.”
“Fiona has a hold on you still,” Grace said softly, shivering slightly because her clothes were still soaking wet. “Six months isn’t a long time, Logan. That was three months before we met.”
“No, she doesn’t.” I shook my head. “It was over so long ago.”
“I could see it for myself, Logan. The pained look on your face.”
“I looked that way because I had hurt you, Kitten. I don't give a fuck about her.” I took her in my arms, wanting nothing more than to prove to her how serious I was.
“No, stop.” She shoved me away. “I can't bear it right now. Not after this. Tell me who Annabelle is. You didn’t mention the name in your walk down memory lane. Fiona was happy enough to let it drop, so it must be important.” She rubbed her arms.
“I..I can’t talk about her.”
“You can’t, or won’t?” she demanded.
“Both. I don’t know.” I scrambled for something to tell her, anything.
“Fine.” She looked stricken, and it broke me.
“What now?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “I need to get back to my life. To reality. This was a dream, to think that this could work. Of course, you had a fiancée, and of course, she would still love you. There’s too much about you I don’t know, too much you won’t share. I don’t need difficult right now. I need someone to give my heart to that won’t smash it to bits.” She backed toward the door.
“No.” My voice was hoarse. “This isn’t over. Whatever this is between us won’t ever be done.”
“Don’t say things you don’t mean.” She blew me a kiss and walked out of my apartment for the second time.
It all came crashing in on me then. Grace was gone. Again. I let her go. Again. I did the only thing I could think of.
“Hey, it’s me. Can you come?” I whispered into my phone.
“Give me a bit,” Smith replied before hanging up.
I HAD THE DOORMAN HAIL me a cab to the airport. Logan had offered to call for one, but I didn’t want his help. I didn’t have any of my things except my purse. Logan knew where I lived, and I assumed he would send me my bag. Even if he didn’t, it’s not like it would matter Every piece of clothing I had purchased was picked out specifically for this trip. I didn’t need the reminder; my broken heart would be reminder enough.
I texted Faith from the gate to let her know I was coming and what had happened. I got a quick reply saying she would be there to pick me up.
I felt hollow. I was not the same person I was when I got here. I knew how good it could be now. There wouldn’t be anyone who could top Logan McFadden.
“Where is it you think you’re running to?” a deep voice asked from behind me.
I turned to find Smith standing with his arms crossed and an irritated look on his face.
“I’m not running,” I snapped back.
“Aren’t you?” He arched a brow before sitting down next to me.
“No. I’m going home. Back to reality. This was nice, but come on. There was no way it could last.” I crossed my arms and tried to stifle the sob that wanted to escape.
“And why is that exactly?”
“He is who he is.” I shrugged and looked away.
“Bullshit. Logan changed for you, Grace.” Smith looked downright angry.
“What do you want from me? I’m barely holding on right now. You didn’t walk into that apartment with us and see what I saw. There’s way too much of his past leaking into my present, Smith. Too much he won’t tell me. I can’t do it.” My voice cracked.
“I know Fiona. I can guess what you saw. We all have messiness in our past, Grace.” His lips pressed into a firm line.
“Messiness? I can take messy; I can't take him keeping things from me.” The tears started again.
“Have your feelings for him gone away? Did any of this change that?” His expression softened.
“I don’t know what to feel right now, Smith. I need to get back to normal for a while. Not in the crazy dream of a life Logan thinks is possible.” I shook my head sadly.
My heart was breaking.
“How did you know where I was?” I sniffled.
“Your sister.” He smiled sheepishly.
“Figures,” I said derisively.
“Promise me something?” He took my hand in his.
“Okay.” I was wary of him and what he was going to ask me.
“Think this all over. Give yourself time to be pissed off. I’m not saying it’s not warranted, it fully is. Just know that he’s only human. You can’t hate him for his past. He can’t change it, only move forward. Logan’s crazy about you, Grace. I’ve never seen him this way, ever.”
“I can one hundred percent promise that I will be doing nothing but thinking about this for the foreseeable future,” I said wryly.
“He’s not as tough as he seems. Think about that.” He dropped a kiss on my cheek and left me alone with my thoughts.
My flight was called a little while later, and I filed on to the plane with the rest of the people who had been milling around. I got lucky and had a whole row to myself.
As the plane took off, I leaned my cheek against the cool glass of the window and cried. I felt like a part of me had died. I guess that was true, part of me had died, the part of me that believed in happy endings and men who sweep you off your feet. The day had taken its toll; I fell asleep about ten minutes after takeoff.
My eyes were red rimmed and puffy when Faith picked me up at the curb.
“How are you holding up?” She hugged me tight.
“Numb. I don’t know.” I turned my face away, so she couldn’t see how sad I really was.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” I climbed into the car and stared out the window as she drove. I didn’t want to talk about it, or even think about it.
“Grace.” Faith’s voice was soft.
“I should never have gone to New York,” I whispered.
“Don’t say that. You made the right choice in going.”
“Did I? If I had never gone, I wouldn’t be feeling this. I could still be blissfully ignorant and living a somewhat happy life.”
“No, you wouldn’t. There was no way you could have been happy without going. You had to know if what you felt was real. It was and is real.” She stole a quick look in my direction.
“Are you on his side, too?” I snapped. Smith’s words still lingered.
“No, I’m always going to be on your side. But you can't deny your feelings, no matter how mad you are right now. Do you honestly think it’s over?” Her hand found mine on the seat next to me, giving me the reassuring connection of someone who loved me.
“Right now, at this very moment, yes. I can’t get past the lies, Faith. I just can’t. How can I give my heart to someone who won’t trust me with theirs?” Tears slipped down my cheeks. “I can't be the only one who is vulnerable.”
“Okay. I won’t say anything more about it until you’re ready to talk about it.” She patted my knee as she drove. “I just want you happy. Seeing you like this hurts my heart.”
“I could feel myself falling for him,” I whispered. “It would have been so easy, too. He always says the right things, except when he doesn’t.”
“Don’t give up yet, honey.”
“I don’t want to. But I don't want to feel like this all the time either.”
We drove the rest of the way in silence. I couldn’t talk about it anymore. I wanted to sleep for a year and pretend this was all a dream. I stared out the window at the dark streets as they whizzed by. This was home, my home, but it didn’t feel like it. It felt like my home, but my heart was back in New York with the man who had laid me bare with his lies.
Faith got me settled in my room and left me alone for a while. I could hear her on the phone in the other room. I sat up when I heard my name mentioned.
“She’s home.” She paused for a moment. “Well, you fucked up big time. Did you think she was going to stay after that?” Another long pause. “Figure your shit out before you even think of coming here.”
I shoved the covers away impatiently and went to stand by the door so I could hear better. I knew it was Logan on the phone, and all of me wanted to know how he was feeling, if he was as broken and hollow as I was inside. God, I hated myself for missing him already.
I heard her throw the phone on the counter, and I stepped out into the hall.
“Was that him?” I knew it was, but I wanted her to tell me it was someone else instead.
“Yeah.” She looked anxious and wandered into the living room.
“What did he say?” I followed her out.
“He mostly wanted to know how you were. Look, we don’t need to talk about this.”
“How did he sound?” I wrapped my arms around my body, afraid of the answer.
“Bad, honey. He sounded really bad.” Faith sat on the couch.
That should have made me feel better, but it didn’t. I didn’t want him to be miserable any more than I wanted to be.
“Why is this so hard?” The tears started again. “I really thought it would be easier. I made the choice to leave. I don’t want to care about how he’s feeling, but I can’t seem to stop myself.” I flopped down next to her.
“Love is never easy, honey.” Faith put her arms around me.
“Why the hell not? It should be easy. It should be the easiest fucking thing in the world. I like him, he likes me; it should work.”
“Give it some time. It might work out still,” she said in soothing tones.
“Do you really believe that? Or are you just telling me what you think will make me feel better?”
“I want to believe it. If anyone deserves a happily ever after, it’s you.”
“Why do I deserve it?” I was feeling like a petulant child and knew full well I sounded like it.
“Stop it.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
“I can't seem to help it at the moment. I feel bitchy about love. I’m so disappointed and my heart hurts. If you will excuse me, I’m going to go sleep until next week.”
“What about work?”
“Screw work. I’m the boss, and I can go in whenever I want. They will have to do without me for a few more days.” I stomped off to my room and slammed the door behind me.
The tears wouldn’t stop, I had opened the floodgates and now there was no sign of them slowing. I was angry and sad all wrapped up into one.
After I stripped off my clothes and put on my favorite pair of jammies, I crawled into bed and tried to block out the voices screaming in my head.
HOW COULD I HAVE SCREWED things up so royally? Grace. I had lost her. It was my own fucking fault she was gone.
Smith walked in the front door two hours too late. I had trashed the place. Chairs turned over, one set of curtains torn completely down, the other in tatters but still on the rod. Couch cushions were strewn around the floor between kicked over boxes and clothes that littered the floor.
“Looks like you’ve been busy.” He whistled.
“Where the hell have you been? I called you over two hours ago,” I barked.
“I had to make a stop. And life does not revolve around you, even though you think it does. I’m not an employee, I’m your best fucking friend.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just going out of my mind with all of this. I don’t know what to do.” I paced around like a caged animal.
“You fix it. That’s what you do,” he said calmly.
“How?” I sat in the ruins of a chair.
“Undo the mess you made. Whatever she wants, you give it to her.”
“She wants Annabelle. I couldn’t tell her. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”
“Shit.” He sank into a chair next to me.
“How can I tell her that? How can I do it?” My panic was rising steadily.
“We’ll sort this out,” he said. His tone was supposed to be reassuring, but it wasn’t.
“How? How are we going to sort this out? There isn't a way that I can see for me to tell her.
”
“I think you need to get your ass to Chicago like you planned and win her back. Figure it out as you go. I know this isn’t just your secret. There are things you just can’t tell her. You need to get over there and see her. She’s going to have her sisters over there chirping in her ear about how you aren’t worth it.”
“Faith is on my side to some extent,” I sighed.
“How do you know?” he asked.
“I called and she picked up. She’s worried about Grace, but she can see how I feel for her. I think she’ll be an ally and not an enemy.”
He nodded. “I took the liberty of having the jet fueled up and on standby. So get your ass to Chicago and make this work. She’s it for you, man. She’s the one.”
I took stock of my ruined apartment and clothes I was currently wearing.
“Seriously, just go. Leave this mess to the movers.”
Without thinking further, I grabbed a coat and walked to the door. “Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Anytime.”
When I reached the street, the car was already waiting. Smith had planned this out well for me.
I couldn't think about anything but Grace. The look on her face when she saw Fiona. How hurt she was when she left. I couldn’t be the one to break her.
All of my money, and I couldn’t get to her any quicker. Sitting in the car was killing me, not being next to her. I should never have let her leave.
I got on the plane in a daze. I barely spoke a word to anyone. My regular flight attendant, Sarah, hovered around me nervously. She wasn't used to this from me.
“Can I get you anything?” she asked for the fifth time.
“No, thank you, though.” I smiled weakly and scrolled through the pictures on my phone. I had a few of Grace sleeping, and one of us smashed together to fit into the frame. My heart ached, and I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t lose her.
As soon as the wheels touched down, I was out of my seat and waiting to be let out. True to his word, Smith had arranged everything ahead of time. There was a car waiting for me on the tarmac. I gave the driver Grace’s address and watched as the world slipped by in a blur.
What was I going to say to her? She had made it pretty clear that she didn’t want any secrets between us. I couldn’t take no for an answer.
Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set Page 10
