Dancing Naked

by Shelley Hrdlitschka

  “But they could at least pretend to be interested in what’s happening to me.”

  “Do you think it scares them?”

  Kia shrugged. “I don’t know. Kelsey told Shawna that she’s not even allowed to hang out with me!”

  Grace struggled with her teacup again.

  “I guess her parents think that she might start having sex too if she hangs out with me,” Kia said bitterly.

  “That could be it, I guess. Or perhaps seeing you reminds Kelsey’s parents of what they don’t want to think about.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “That their daughter is growing up too. Given different circumstances, it could be Kelsey that was having a baby.”

  “It’s stupid. Everyone, even complete strangers, looks at my stomach and not in my eyes anymore.”

  They sat quietly for a few minutes.

  “I can’t figure out why I got pregnant in the first place, and not someone more deserving ...”

  “More deserving? Like someone who is trying to get pregnant?”

  “Yeah, or someone too stupid to use birth control.”

  Grace nodded. “Go on. What else is bothering you?”

  Kia slumped lower in the chair. “I have to decide what to do with the baby after it’s born.”

  Grace nodded. “That’s a tough one.”

  “You can say that again.”

  “Are you close to making a decision?”

  “I really really want to keep it.” Kia hugged her stomach. “It’s so much a part of me. I can’t imagine giving it away.”

  “But?”

  Kia sighed. “I know how hard it is to be a single parent, especially when you’re only seventeen. I don’t want to give up all the stuff I do and have...”

  “Being a parent certainly ties you down.”

  “I know. I had a pretend baby for a week and even that was too much for me.” Kia watched as a squirrel scampered across the lawn toward the building. It seemed to be looking at them through the window. “And I didn’t even take care of it!”

  “Justin brings peanuts and feeds them,” Grace said, distracted by the squirrel. She glanced up at the wall clock. “Usually about this time. I wonder where he is?”

  That reminded Kia. “If only I had a partner. Someone to raise the baby with. You know anyone who would want the job, Grace?” she teased.

  “Oh, look,” Grace said, raising a stiff arm and pointing to a tall, slim figure coming along the grass, tossing peanuts out of a paper bag. “There he is now.”

  Kia noticed that many of the other seniors were moving toward the window to watch the activity outside. “And look, he’s brought Blair with him.”

  Kia watched as another young man came up along-side Justin with his own bag of peanuts. He was stockier and athletic looking. The two of them waved cheerfully at the room full of seniors, and then started encouraging the squirrels to get closer to them, even to eat out of their hands.

  “Who is Blair?” Kia asked.

  Grace dragged her eyes away from the scene on the lawn to look at Kia. “Blair? Why, Blair is Justin’s ...” She paused and her eyes became more focused. “His friend,” she said finally. “And such a nice young man too.”

  She went back to watching the squirrels. Justin and Blair had even taught them some tricks, like climbing right up their bodies to retrieve peanuts off their shoulders. The seniors clapped in appreciation.

  “It’s amazing that they never get scratched or bitten,” Grace commented.

  Kia watched, but she didn’t see. She was overcome by a sinking sensation that had started deep in her stomach and radiated to every part of her body.

  Finally, Grace turned back to Kia. “So, where were we?” she asked, smiling kindly.

  Kia kept her eyes on the two figures outside. “I don’t remember,” she said, trying to drag herself back to the present.

  “I think,” Grace squinted, “we were talking about what you were going to do with the baby.”

  Kia nodded.

  “Oh,” Grace said, sitting up. “You mentioned that you were looking for a partner, and wanted to know if I knew one.”

  Kia met Grace’s eyes and nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “But that possibility seems less likely all the time.”

  Grace nodded sadly. “Yes, I guess it is a little late in the game for that.”

  “I guess,” Kia said, and her eyes moved back to the two young men who were having such a good time feeding the squirrels.

  Kia passed the picture from the ultrasound around the circle at check-in. This time she got the response she was looking for.

  “This is so cool, Kia,” Laurel said. “Aren’t you, like, dying to hold her?”

  Kia smiled. “It’s weird. Here I am carrying a little person around inside me but I’ve never even met her. I so want to know what she looks like. I wish I could just unzip my stomach, pull her out, take a good look at her and then pop her back in.”

  Justin laughed. “Yeah, too bad zippers hadn’t been invented when women were created.”

  “Can you actually tell it’s a girl?” Chris asked.

  Kia shook her head.

  “Sure you can,” Mike said, taking the picture from Meagan. “If there’s a UDT floating around...”

  “A what?” Kia asked.

  “An unidentified dangly thingie.”

  Kia laughed. “There’s nothing like that. Must be a girl after all.”

  “I’ll tell you,” Mike said. He squinted at the photo. “Hmm, it just looks like a bunch of gray and black blobs to me.”

  Meagan snatched it out of his hand. “That’s because you’re blind,” she said, holding it out in front of him. “Look, here’s its bum, here’s the head,” she said, pointing to the picture. “And here are the arms and legs. Do you see it now?”

  Mike shook his head. “Sorry.”

  Meagan passed it on. “It’s crystal clear. I don’t know what your problem is.”

  “You,” Mike said, gently punching her arm. “Are you done, Kia? Is it my turn?”

  She nodded. “That’s it.”

  “Well,” he said, “I’ve got some really sad news. A guy in my grade killed himself on the weekend. Slashed his wrists.”

  The room grew still.

  “I didn’t know him all that well. By the time I got to school this morning a bunch of kids had already set up a huge memorial around his locker. They had a poster-sized picture of him taped on it, and all kinds of his stuff lying around. Flowers and wreaths filled the whole hallway.”

  “Did he leave a note?” Justin asked quietly.

  “Yeah, for his parents. He said he couldn’t handle the harassment anymore, although everyone swore he acted like it never bothered him.”

  “Yeah, well, duh. Who ever admits that they’re bugged? You’d just get it twice as bad,” Meagan commented.

  “And you know,” Mike continued, “for a guy who didn’t think he had any friends, there was sure a lot of kids hanging around his locker crying.”

  “Even the guys who bullied him?” Laurel asked.

  Mike nodded. “A lot of them.”

  “What was he being harassed about?” Justin asked. Kia was shocked to see how pale he’d become.

  “Everyone called him fag, queer, homo.”

  “Was he?” Chris asked.

  Justin turned to Chris before Mike could answer, his voice steely. “So what if he was?” he asked. “Does that make him any less of a person than anyone else?”

  “I didn’t mean it that way,” Chris answered, defensively. “I just asked if he was.”

  The room grew silent again. Kia knew everyone was as shocked as she was at Justin’s reaction. They’d never heard him speak to anyone the way he’d just spoken to Chris.

  “Sorry, Chris,” Justin said after a long moment. “I overreacted.”

  “That’s okay,” Chris mumbled.

  “But try to imagine,” Justin went on, “how horrible a person must feel before they actually consid
er death preferable to life.” Kia could see that Justin’s hands were trembling. He rubbed his face.

  She reached out and rubbed his back. “It’s okay,” she said.

  He shook his head. “No, it’s not. Another kid is dead.”

  “You’re right,” she said, dropping her hand.

  He looked down at her. “But thanks anyway.”

  She met his eyes and nodded. They sat quietly for another minute.

  “Has everyone checked in, then?” Justin asked, looking around the circle.

  The pensive group nodded together.

  “Then I’d like to suggest we break for something to eat,” he said. He turned to Kia. “I brought the pickles,” he said quietly.

  “Good,” she smiled. “The peanut’s getting hungry.” She looked around at the puzzled expressions. “Snack time,” she announced, glad to break the solemn mood. “Popcorn for you guys, and pickles for us,” she said, rubbing her stomach.

  April 7

  Today I turn 17.

  I remember turning 16. That seems like 20 years ago. Never in a trillion years would I have guessed that my life could change so much so quickly. (And all because of one night!) And what will I be doing one year from today?

  The word ‘birthday’ means so much more this year. It’s not just a day to eat cake and open presents. I am now responsible for another person’s birthday. That will be the first day of a new life. Or is it? The little person inside me is alive already ...

  Birth. Only five letters but such a huge moment. Going from life in the womb to life on the outside. Life on the inside is so much safer. So much can go wrong on the outside. Babies are dependent on the decisions – good or bad – of the people in their life. Decisions ...

  A very small part of me would like to go back to being an innocent newborn. Where someone else would have to decide ...

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: April 8

  Subject: interview

  hi kia, a little bird told me u r interviewing some adoptive parents. do u need someone (like me!) along for moral support?

  TOY,

  Justin

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: April 8

  Subject: Re: interview

  hi justin, ya, i’ve got my meeting with Sadie fri. nite. then we meet with joanna & brett (the perfect parents) on sat. i’d luv to have you there if you can make it.

  kia & the pumpkin

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: April 8

  Subject: the pumpkin!!

  i liked ‘peanut’ better. (and peanut butter!) pumpkins make me think of scary faces.

  DARN! i have to work fri. nite. i’m taking my seniors to the theatre — can’t miss that — but i’ll be there on sat. what time? e-mail me fri. nite and tell me how it goes with sadie.

  hugs

  uncle J

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: April 11

  Subject: tomorrow

  hi justin, how was the theatre? did our seniors behave themselves? :-)

  the meeting with sadie was weird. we talked about the questions i should ask them and what to expect they’ll ask me, but then she told me about some of the fears THEY might be having. i never thought about them having fears! sadie said it was normal for me to feel jealous of them and 2 worry that they won’t like me or the baby! believe me, i’m not worried about that — my baby is going to be so perfect. the perfect baby for the perfect parents. (gag.) i’m so nervous about tomorrow. thanks for coming with me. we’re supposed to be there @ 10:00.

  k & c (c for coconut, cuz that’s the biggest nut I can think of. happy now?)

  week 20/40

  HALFWAY THERE!

  ~ Baby has asleep and awake patterns similar to a newborn

  ~ Female baby has developed a uterus

  ~ Rapid growth period slows down

  April 11

  What will be worse?

  Liking them and having no reason NOT to give her up?

  Or not liking them and having to choose again?

  “You need to eat, Ki.”

  “I’ll eat after. I’m way too nervous.”

  Kia sat with her father and Angie at the kitchen table. The sound of her dad’s fingers drumming on the table matched the sound of the rain dripping from the overflowing gutters.

  “Can I have your strawberries then?” Angie asked.

  Kia pushed her bowl toward her sister. “They’re all yours,” she said.

  Kia’s father cleared his throat. “We’d really like to come with you, Kia,” he said again. “I think it’s important that we decide this thing together.”

  “This is not a thing,” Kia said. She slumped in her chair and folded her arms across her chest. They’d been through it all the night before, but she sensed they were going to have to discuss it again this morning. She glanced at her watch. Forty-five more minutes before Justin would arrive.

  “It’s just that we’re older, honey. And the older you get, the better judge of character you become.”

  “I’m a good judge of character.”

  “Is that right?”

  “Yes, it is.” She noticed her father’s skeptical expression. “What?”

  “I don’t think you are.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Think about it.”

  Kia studied him. She didn’t know what he was talking about.

  “How about Derek?” he reminded her. “You admitted yourself that you misjudged his character.”

  “That’s different.” She felt her face flush.

  “Why?”

  “It just is.” She wasn’t going to explain to him that her mistake with Derek wasn’t so much that she’d misjudged him. It was that she’d allowed herself to give in to the rush of desire she experienced every time they were together. She realized now that she’d never even taken the time to get to know his character.

  “It’s just that this is not the kind of decision a girl your age should be making,” her dad continued. “Your mom and I have raised children, we can see through idealistic platitudes to the real character traits that matter.”

  “Like what, Dad?” Kia asked, unconvinced.

  “Well, like ...” He paused, unable to name anything.

  “I’m not going to choose a couple of idiots to give my baby to, Dad. This matters a lot to me.”

  “It just seems you’re already so set on this one couple. You should interview lots of people.”

  “I will if these guys aren’t perfect.”

  “Nobody’s perfect, Kia.” Her dad sighed.

  “I am,” Angie said, grinning as she carried her bowl to the sink.

  Kia smiled at her little sister, grateful for the interruption.

  “Aside from you,” Kia’s dad said, also smiling.

  Kia glanced from her father to Angie and realized, again, that the family dynamics were shifting. The roles they’d all played for so many years had changed. But even with her bulging stomach, the hardest shift of all was for her father to accept that she was no longer just a girl. She was a young adult who had some big decisions ahead of her. And she would make them herself.

  Kia felt Justin’s arm slide around her shoulders when Brett and Joanna arrived at Sadie’s office. Kia studied the couple carefully. Her first thought was that they looked older than they did in the picture. They both shook hands with her, and when Kia looked into Joanna’s eyes, their beauty startled her. It wasn’t the heavily made-up glossy-magazine kind of beauty, but the beauty of a wise, warm and caring woman. Brett’s handshake was firm and his smile friendly. Justin shook their hands too, and Sadie introduced him as Kia’s friend, pointedly adding that he was not the father of the baby.

  “So,” Brett said once they were al
l seated. “Are you as nervous as we are?”

  Kia laughed at the unexpected question. “Yes,” she admitted. “I couldn’t eat anything this morning.”

  “Me neither,” Joanna said. “And I didn’t sleep a wink last night.”

  “I thought we were going to be late for this meeting,” Brett said, “because Joanna kept changing her mind about what to wear.”

  Kia smiled as Joanna gave her husband a friendly swat. “Casual, but not too casual,” he teased, putting his arm around his wife’s chair. “Fashionable, but not trendy. It’s hard to know what look a wannabe adoptive mother should have.”

  “I wish I had that problem,” Kia said, smiling at Brett. “I don’t have much to choose from right now.” She put her hands on her stomach.

  “Have you felt it move yet?” Joanna asked.

  “Yeah, she’s been kicking like crazy all morning. I think she knows how nervous I am. My adrenaline must be pumping through her too.”

  “Her?” Brett asked. “Do you know it’s a girl?”

  “No,” Kia admitted. She pulled the ultrasound photo out of her purse. “I just have a strong feeling about it. Here’s her first photo.”

  Joanna took the photo from Kia and studied it. She handed it to Brett. “It’s miraculous, isn’t it?” she commented quietly. Brett peered at the photo and nodded. He handed it back to Kia and then picked up his wife’s hand.

  “Do you care what it is?” Kia asked.

  They shook their heads.

  “So, I know you each have questions prepared,” Sadie said, speaking for the first time since the meeting began. “Do you want to take turns, or ...?”

  Kia glanced at Joanna and Brett, they looked back at her. They all shrugged and turned to Sadie for guidance.

  “Well then, Kia, why don’t you get the ball rolling? What would you like to ask Joanna and Brett?”

  “Well ...” She hesitated. There was only one thing she really wanted to know. “You said in the adoption profile something about the birth mom being a special part of your lives. Can you tell me what you mean by that?”

  Joanna spoke first. She leaned forward. “If you choose us as the adoptive parents, Kia,” she said quietly, “we would decide together what kind of an arrangement would work best for everyone. It could mean that you would visit us and get to know the child, or another option would be that we would send you pictures and letters. I expect each birth parent has different ideas about how much involvement they want. But we’re open to almost any arrangement.”