Dancing Naked

by Shelley Hrdlitschka

  “Our adopted child will always know that she has a birth mom who loves her as much as we do,” Brett said, smiling. “She’ll be luckier than all those kids who only have two parents.”

  Kia nodded, her eyes shining. “Thanks.”

  “Your turn to ask Kia a question,” Sadie said to Brett and Joanna.

  “I hate to pry,” Joanna said, “but I’m wondering what you can tell us about the birth father. Will he also want to stay connected with the baby?”

  Kia felt her energy drain. They’d started with the hardest question of all. But then she felt Justin’s hand squeeze her shoulder and it gave her the encouragement she needed. “Derek and I aren’t even talking. We only went out for awhile and I got pregnant the only time we ever ... did it,” she said quietly. “He wanted me to abort it and he’s angry that I didn’t.” Kia took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I don’t think he’ll want anything to do with the baby, but I guess I’ll have to talk to him about it eventually.”

  Joanna nodded, looking sympathetic. “Life is strange, isn’t it? Here I am, desperately trying to get pregnant, and you ... well, you know what I mean.”

  Kia nodded. “Yeah, I do.” She sat quietly for a moment. “Okay, my turn to ask you a question.”

  “Shoot,” Brett said.

  “What scares you the most about all this?”

  Brett and Joanna looked at each other and laughed. “You ask tough questions, Kia,” Joanna said.

  “You’re not scared of anything?” Kia asked.

  “No, that’s not it,” Joanna said. “There are so many things I’m scared of I don’t know where to start!”

  “Just name a few,” Kia suggested.

  “Well,” Joanna said, looking at Brett, “I guess the biggie is that you’ll choose us to be the adoptive parents, we’ll get our hopes up, and then you’ll change your mind at the last minute.” She added quietly, “It happened once before.”

  Kia watched as Brett gently rubbed her back.

  “What else?” Kia asked.

  “That you won’t choose us to be the parents,” Joanna said.

  “Anything else?” Kia asked.

  “I’ve got one,” Brett said. “You’ll choose us, we’ll take the baby home, you’ll come visit us and decide you just can’t leave her, and you’ll take her away.” Kia could see the pain in Brett’s dark eyes as he described the scenario. “And I’ve been worried that you might be doing drugs and messing it up,” he added, “but I can see now that that’s not likely.”

  Kia shook her head.

  “Wow,” Sadie said, breaking into the conversation. “I really admire your honesty.”

  “Yeah, really,” Justin said.

  Joanna looked at Justin, almost as if noticing him for the first time. “You two are just friends?”

  Kia and Justin nodded, looking at each other.

  “So there’s no chance you’re suddenly going to decide to raise this baby together?”

  “No chance,” Justin said quietly, still looking at Kia. But this time she didn’t return his gaze.

  “Okay,” Sadie said, changing the subject. “Whose turn is it to ask a question?”

  “I think it’s mine,” Kia said, clearing her throat.

  Joanna nodded encouragingly.

  “What if my baby is born and there is something wrong with it? Like it’s got Down’s syndrome or something? Would you still want to adopt it?”

  There was no hesitation. They nodded in unison. “Do you have some reason to believe there might be something wrong?” Sadie asked.

  “No, but you never know.” Kia placed her hand on her stomach. “There she goes again.”

  “The baby?” Joanna asked.

  “Uh-huh. I’m sure she’s got all her limbs. And then some.”

  “May I feel?”

  “Sure.”

  Justin and Joanna exchanged seats, and Joanna put her hand on Kia’s stomach.

  “Oh!” Joanna sat up straight, eyes wide.

  “That was her,” Kia said. She moved Joanna’s hand a little, placing it closer to where Joanna would feel the baby’s movements.

  “That is so awesome.”

  Kia could hear reverence in Joanna’s voice. They studied each other while they waited for another movement. Again, Kia was struck by the depth of character she saw in Joanna’s face. Her dad was wrong. She could judge people accurately, and she knew that Joanna and Brett would make great parents.

  If only she was as sure she could give them her baby.

  April 14

  I feel like I have a split personality and both of me are having a big fight inside my head. I can’t stand it. It goes like this –

  Me #1 – They’re perfect. Brett’s cool. Joanna’s wonderful.

  Me #2 – But this is our baby. Giving it away – even to THE PERFECT PARENTS – will be like giving away an arm, a leg, even our heart!

  Me #1 – But we’ll be able to go visit. She’ll know we are her birth mom.

  Me #2 – Maybe she’ll know she is our flesh and blood but her real mom will be Joanna. Joanna will be the one rocking her to sleep, kissing her scrapes and bruises, reading her bedtime stories ...

  Me #1 – Quit being so romantic! Joanna will also be changing stinky diapers, getting up in the middle of the night and listening to her whine. We’ll just get to enjoy her. Me #2 – My baby won’t whine.

  Me #1- Get a life.

  Me #2 – I can’t give her away. Even to THE PERFECT PARENTS.

  Me #1 – Yes you can. And you will.

  Me #2 – Not if I can help it.

  Me #1 – I’ve got our parents, Justin and Sadie on my side. Now I’ve got Brett and Joanna too, as well as every other living person we know!

  Me #2 – Yeah, but ...

  Me #1 – But what?

  Me #2 – I’ve always had more pull than you.

  Me #1 – LOL. We’ll see, now, won’t we?

  Me #2 – (deep sigh) Yes, I guess we will.

  Kia’s heart sank when she heard the familiar thumping of the car’s boom box. It was a Saturday afternoon and she and Justin were watching her former team play baseball. Neither she nor Derek had ever discussed the confrontation they’d had at Jared’s party, and they’d successfully managed to avoid each other ... until now.

  “Oh, no,” she groaned.

  “What is it?” Justin asked, concerned.

  “Derek’s here,” she said, glancing over at the parking lot and confirming her suspicions. “Let’s go.” She began to stand up.

  “Are you going to spend the rest of your life running away from your problems, Kia?”

  “Just this one. C’mon.”

  But Justin didn’t budge. He turned back to the ball game.

  Kia sighed and sat back down. “This could get ugly.”

  Justin put his arm around her shoulder and she leaned into him. She concentrated on the game, hoping Derek wouldn’t notice her here. He didn’t. Not for the first fifteen minutes, anyway. Kia was aware that he was standing with his friends, over to her right, near the first-base line. Some of the players were also aware of it, she noticed. The way they ran the bases changed subtly. It was less assertive and more self-conscious. There were furtive glances at the boys, and then a toss of the hair. The girls on the bench feigned disinterest, but the total concentration on the game was gone. Samantha, on first base, preened herself. She pulled the elastic out of her hair, smoothed it all back with her fingers and then wrapped the elastic around it again. She tugged down on her shorts after retieing her shoes.

  Kia glanced at Justin and saw he was watching Samantha too. He smiled. “Makes you think of the mating dance of an exotic bird, doesn’t it?” he asked.

  She nodded. “ And to think I was once part of that dance.”

  “And you will be again.”

  Kia thought about that. Would she? Now that she’d viewed it from the outside, would she ever be so ... innocent again?

  The boys eventually grew restless and began to
make their way over to the concession building. They had to walk past the spectator stands where Kia sat with Justin. For a moment she thought Derek was going to walk right past them without looking up, but then she saw one of the other boys elbow him in the ribs and nod in her direction. Derek looked up and they made eye contact. He slowed down, glanced at Justin, down at her stomach, then back to her eyes. She refused to look away. She felt her heart pattering in her chest. The baby gave a hard kick. Derek kept staring at her. She refused to be intimidated. Finally, he shook his head, as if dismissing her as not worth the effort, then turned and caught up with the others.

  “There. That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Justin asked. He took his arm off her shoulder.

  She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She felt the beating of her heart slowly return to normal.

  “And I don’t know what you saw in him,” Justin teased. “Couldn’t be those broad shoulders, that skinny waist, those long legs, could it? How about that drop-dead gorgeous face? You really know how to pick ’em.”

  “Are you calling me shallow?” she asked, but she had to laugh. Even now, with the ambivalent feelings she had for Derek, she couldn’t help noticing all those things again. But the cool blue gaze had cured her. There was nothing she liked about those eyes anymore.

  She found those blue eyes fixed on her again on Monday morning at school. It was her study block and she was reading in the cafeteria, which doubled as a study hall. He plunked himself down across the table from her. He stretched his long legs out, placed his elbows on the table and propped his head on his hands.

  “Well, Kia, you’ve got way more guts than I gave you credit for.”

  “What are you talking about?” She glared at him, forcing herself to see past the arrogance to the frightened boy he’d become at Jared’s party.

  “Walkin’ around, looking like that.” He glanced at her stomach.

  She shrugged and pretended to read again.

  “Any regrets?” he asked, smugly.

  She put her book down. It didn’t look like he was going to leave any time soon. “Only one. Getting pregnant.”

  “Yeah,” he grinned, “but I bet you don’t regret the part that got you that way.”

  It was her turn to dismiss him. She shook her head and picked up her book again, but then put it back down. “You know, being pregnant has taught me a lot.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like who my friends are.”

  “And who are they?” he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “That faggot you were at the park with?”

  She cringed at the word. That was what Derek called anyone he didn’t like. “Yeah, like him. And the kids in my youth group. Shawna’s the only one around here who occasionally talks to me or includes me in anything anymore. I think everyone else thinks pregnancy is ... a disease. Something they might catch.”

  He sat back and folded his arms across his chest. “What are you going to do with it?”

  “The baby?”

  “No, the faggot. What do ya think?”

  Kia ignored him. “I might put it up for adoption. Which reminds me. I interviewed a couple who’d like to adopt it, but they want to know if you’re going to be a problem.”

  “What kind of problem?”

  “Like if you’re going to claim the baby for yourself. Or start pestering them for visiting rights or something.”

  Derek glanced about, making sure Kia hadn’t been overheard. “Tell ’em not to worry about that. I don’t even know if it is my baby.”

  Kia shook her head. “That’s another thing I’ve learned. If I hadn’t got pregnant I might still be going out with pricks like you.”

  “Oh, so now you go out with fags? That’s a safe bet. But how are you going to feel when you get dumped for another guy?”

  “I’m not going out with Justin, if that’s who you’re talkin’ about.” She was going to add, “and he’s not gay,” but she didn’t. The bell rang, signaling the end of the period, so Kia began to collect her things. Derek didn’t move. She glanced at him. He remained sitting very still, watching her. She couldn’t read his expression, but she noticed the sneer was gone.

  “What?” she asked.

  “Nothing,” he said quietly, then stood to leave. “It’s just weird, you know, to think...” He glanced down at her stomach and then back to her eyes. Suddenly she remembered why she had fallen so hard for him.

  “Yeah,” she said. “I know.” She held his eyes in her own, a million unspoken thoughts hanging in the air between them. Finally he looked away, and they left the cafeteria together.

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: May 2

  Subject: fat clothes

  hi justin, i got a call from joanna today. she wants to know if she can buy me some more fat clothes. should i let her? do u think it’s bribery? will I be committing myself if i let her?

  W B ASAP

  k.

  Justin didn’t write back. Instead, he showed up at Kia’s door early that evening and invited her to go for a walk. She grabbed a jacket and they strolled down the street toward the same park that Kia had gone to with Sadie.

  “Have you decided to let Joanna buy you clothes?” he asked.

  “No, I can’t decide. What do you think?” “I don’t think it’s bribery. She just genuinely wants to help, but it’ll probably make you feel a sense of obligation.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  They walked along in comfortable silence until they came to the pond, where they settled themselves on a bench.

  “I’m surprised you’re still undecided,” Justin said finally. “I don’t think you’ll find a better couple than Joanna and Brett.”

  “I know. I’m not even going to interview anyone else.” Kia watched as a turtle pulled itself up out of the water and onto a rock, where it stretched its neck out, soaking up the last bit of warmth from the day’s sunlight. “It’s just that I’m not sure I’ll be able to hand her over.” She hugged her stomach protectively. “And I don’t want them to have to go through that again.” Kia heard Justin sigh. “And,” she added quietly, “I still haven’t given up hope of finding a partner to help me raise her.”

  “Kia ...”

  “I know.”

  “What do you know?”

  “That you don’t think I’m going to find a partner.” Kia rubbed the side of her stomach.

  “Is it kicking?” Justin asked, his eyes lighting up.

  “Yeah. Here.” She took his hand and placed it on her stomach.

  “Whoa! What was that?”

  “I think it must be her heel or ... something sharp. Maybe an elbow.”

  “Doesn’t it hurt?” Justin asked, his wide hand still stretched across her stomach.

  “No, not really. But it gets a little uncomfortable.”

  “I guess.”

  They sat quietly for a moment, feeling the baby’s movements.

  “Who’s Blair, Justin?” Kia asked.

  Justin tensed—very slightly, but Kia could feel it in his hand that rested on her stomach.

  “A friend. A good friend,” he answered. “Why?”

  “Just wondering. I saw you with him when you were feeding squirrels at the seniors’ home.”

  Justin nodded. He took his hand off her stomach and sat back on the bench.

  “How come you never talk about your private life?” she asked. “I really don’t know anything about you.”

  “I guess that’s why it’s called a private life,” he answered.

  “But you know everything about me.”

  “Okay, Kia,” he said. “What do you want to know?”

  “Do you have a girlfriend?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Have you ever had one?”

  Justin nodded. “I dated a girl a few times in high school. She was really nice, but ...” Justin looked down at her. “What are you getting at, Kia?” he asked quietly.
>
  “Derek called you a fag today. He calls lots of people that, but ...”

  Justin took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly. “I am gay, Kia,” he said solemnly, “if that’s what you want to know.”

  She stared at him, then her eyes narrowed. “Nice try, Justin, but I don’t believe you.” She tried to laugh, but he continued to regard her seriously. “You’re kidding, right?”

  He shook his head.

  She slid away from him on the bench. “You’re always watching out for me and touching me and ... I don’t believe this. I know you’ve got feelings for me.”

  “I do. You’re right.” He rubbed his face wearily.

  “So what are you talking about?”

  He shook his head and stared at the pond. “It’s confusing. I am attracted to you, but generally I’m more attracted to guys.”

  She stared at his profile, as if seeing him for the first time.

  “It’s not that unusual, Kia.” He turned back to her. “Don’t you remember that from your sexuality classes? People’s preferences can range from completely straight or gay to somewhere in between.” He watched as she turned away. He reached out to touch her but hesitated. He put his hand back in his lap. “I’ve just recently come out. Not too many people know, but a few do. I’m finding it really hard to talk about.”

  “Blair is ...?”

  Justin laughed, just a little. “Blair is still my friend. I want more, but he doesn’t want to be ...” He paused and then added, with emphasis, “tied down.” He sighed. “Sound familiar?”

  Kia didn’t respond.

  “You know,” he continued, “I thought I’d finally come to terms with being gay, but going with you to your prenatal classes and seeing your baby on the ultrasound and watching your stomach grow and thinking about being a parent ...” He stopped and caught his breath. “That’s all affected me somehow. We’re taught, from the time we’re little, that we’ll grow up, get married, have babies ...” He paused. “It’s hard for me to accept that I’m not going to have that life. I liked the fantasy. It was safe. And ...” He paused, looking for the right words. “I guess that’s why I didn’t tell you sooner.”