Secrets Of The Heart (Book 1, The Heart Series)

by Laurie LeClair

  She picked up on the last. “What about Sydney? You still have it with her, don’t you? Hasn’t having her in your life taught you that children give you both, plus love, unconditionally? You’re her poppa, her hero.”

  “Don’t do this, Bree. I’ve got a job to get back to.”

  He turned away, and then walked a few steps before she caught up with him. Whipping off his coat, she thrust it into his arms. A cold chill invaded her bones, one she couldn’t just pinpoint on the loss of his sandalwood-scented jacket still warm from his body.

  “Keep it, you’re trembling.”

  Shaking her head, she refused his generous offer. “You need it more than I do.”

  She made to leave, but stopped. Gazing up into his troubled dark eyes, her chest tightened, squeezing her heart until it hurt.

  “You’re wrong, Nick. About faith and trust. You still have some. Oh, not in people…well, Sydney’s probably your only exception and I’m grateful for that.”

  She tapped his badge with her index finger. “If you still didn’t have faith and trust in the judicial system you’d have escaped long ago, especially when Vinnie’s killer will be out on parole in less than seven years with good behavior. You can’t convince me that you’d stay in that kind of environment if you abhorred everything about it, now can you?”

  ***

  Bree woke with a start. Her heart thumped wildly in her chest. Sitting up in Nana’s favorite chair, she gasped for breath as she listened for the bang that had shaken her from her terrifying nightmare.

  “Nick,” she whispered, recalling the sharp, painful feeling of losing him.

  Visions of him bloodied and beaten sprang to the forefront of her mind once again. She forced the dream out, trying to erase the horrifying image.

  Breaking out in a cold sweat, she shivered in the thin, black nightie. Shoving the blanket off of her and bolting out of the chair, she stumbled in the darkness on her way to the kitchen.

  The hum of the refrigerator lent a reassuring quality to the stillness. And the blue numbers on the microwave beamed through the fuzzy blackness. She did a double take, reading the time. “Two twenty! Nick, where are you?”

  Panic sliced through her middle.

  What would I do if anything happened to him?

  A hollow ache swamped her; she knew she’d be lost without him.

  “Dear God, please let Nick be all right. It’s just not for me, it’s for Sydney, too. Please, don’t hurt her any more than she’s already been.” Her voice broke on the last, knowing she’d bargain with anything she had to have her prayer answered.

  A metallic scraping noise pierced the air. She froze. With all her senses alert, she waited as footsteps came through the mud room. The kitchen door was thrust open, revealing a large, looming frame.

  “Nick?” Her voice wobbled, half in fear, half in hope.

  “Bree, what are you still doing up?” She heard the concern in Nick’s husky tone.

  Sweet relief rushed through her like a shot of whiskey, hot and quick. The click of a switch sounded. Light flooded the room, making her squint at the sudden harshness.

  When she focused on him, she blinked several times at his disheveled appearance. She zeroed in on a bruise darkening his jaw. Her heart jumped.

  She scanned the rest of him. His torn uniform shirt sent a coldness straight to her toes. Behind the ripped material, she spotted the long red scratches on his shoulder and chest. But it was the blotch of crimson blood slashed across his middle that careened her back in time.

  End over end, she toppled into the past. The night Vinnie was murdered rushed up, strangling the very breath from her lungs. When Nick had arrived at her door her first thought had been of him being seriously wounded or worse dying.

  History repeats itself.

  Shockwaves reverberated through her now just as it had then. She felt the color drain from her face, felt her knees buckle.

  Chapter 24

  With his heart in his throat, Nick raced around the breakfast bar to Bree’s side, catching her. He cradled her close. “Bree, are you all right? Speak to me, sweetness.”

  “Just hold me,” she murmured into his chest, clinging to him.

  Relieved she hadn’t fainted, he gave in to her request. He elbowed the back of the breakfast stool, twisting it around.

  Easing his battered and bruised body down onto the cushion, Nick sighed. He tugged her to him, welcoming her warmth. It felt so good to hold her, so good to feel her again. And, he couldn’t deny how much he needed this, needed her.

  She roused herself to ask, “Am I hurting you?” Pulling back, she searched him with a swift, quizzical gaze. “Where are you hurt? How bad is it?”

  “Nothing to write home about.” He deliberately played down the fiasco arresting those drunken, rowdy teenagers who had come back to taunt him.

  “But the blood.”

  Absorbing the shiver of revulsion that racked her body, Nick squeezed her tighter. “It looks worse than it is.”

  Relaxing, she sank into his embrace. “Thank you, God.”

  Nick chuckled. “What am I, an answer to a prayer?”

  “Definitely.” She smiled up at him, stealing all his breath away. Shrugging, she continued, “When I was a little girl I asked God for a very special man to marry me. He brought me you.”

  Growing uncomfortable with all the talk about Him, Nick dropped a light kiss on her forehead. He helped her onto the seat beside him.

  The moment he let go, he regretted losing the intimate contact and the silky feel of her in the sexy nightwear. Clearing his throat, he said, “I’ll get you some water.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  Filling a glass at the stainless steel sink, Nick turned to her, catching the deep frown marring her brow. “Did you ever think Vinnie was the result of that particular prayer and not me?”

  “Never.”

  The quick, definite reply surprised him. “No doubts, no questions?” He turned the cold water knob off, and then walked to the opposite side of the breakfast bar where she sat. He handed her the glass.

  She took a sip. Nick longed to lick the wetness away from her soft, sweet lips with his tongue. Heat stole through his blood.

  Trying to cram the thought of tasting her and a whole host of other impure thoughts to the back of his mind, he focused on her trembling hand. Reaching over, he guided the glass to the counter top.

  “I…I have to tell you something that you may find hard to believe.” She avoided looking directly at him.

  “Now what?” he muttered under his breath. He eased onto the seat beside hers once again. He cupped her icy hands, rubbing the warmth back into them. “It can’t be all that bad, can it?” His attempt at getting her to crack a smile failed. A bubble of anxiety rose in his belly.

  “I’m just not used to being so candid with you. But I promised myself I’d try to open up more.” She paused for a moment. “You already know Vinnie and I didn’t really love each other.” Her voice was so low he strained to hear her. “But…what you don’t know is, we weren’t going to file for a divorce, in the true sense.”

  Confusion clouded his brain. He dragged a hand over his face. “But you said—”

  “I know,” she interrupted. “That’s the story we were going to tell everyone.”

  A pinprick of temper jabbed his gut. “Including me, right? It makes no sense when both you and Vinnie knew I couldn’t accept a divorce. So why say so when it wasn’t true? And what the hell does ‘in the true sense’ mean anyhow? Were you two getting a divorce or not?” He cringed at the mixture of frustration and annoyance in his tone.

  Bree sucked in a quivering breath and locked gazes with him. “We were getting an annulment.”

  Denial beamed bright inside him. “Now that’s funny. Just how were you two going to pull that off?”

  “We never consummated the marriage, Nick,” she barely whispered.

  Shockwaves crashed over him, shaking him to the core. He grasped for st
raws. “But Sydney…”

  Turning frightfully pale, she closed her eyes. “I got pregnant before the wedding. Vinnie insisted…” Opening her eyes, she said, “But I’ve already told you all that, right?”

  Slowly, things began to add up for Nick. “So you and he never really loved each other after all. That’s why you never took his name. That’s why you were hardly ever together when either one of you visited. That’s why you rarely spoke of the other. That’s why you slept in separate rooms.”

  Nodding, she said, “It was never a real marriage at all. We were roommates raising a child, not husband and wife.” A red flush darkened her chalky cheeks. “I’m ashamed to say I took the easy way out. If only I’d waited before I went to bed with…”

  “Shhh, now, don’t beat yourself up, sweetness.” He traced the hot color with a fingertip. “We’ve all given into temptation. Look at me, I kissed you right after your wedding to my son. I knew better, been taught better, but still I couldn’t resist.”

  She shot him a tremulous smile. “I couldn’t resist you either.”

  “How could we have not seen this until now? We didn’t want to go there,” he answered his own question.

  Suddenly a dawning light entered her eyes. “The more I think about it the more I truly believe Vinnie kept us apart beforehand because he sensed just how right we’d be together. I know that if I had met you before that day I’d have backed out of the wedding. How could I not when I had all these strange feelings coursing through me at the sight of you? I felt pressured into the marriage as it was and that day was even worse.”

  The distance that she’d been keeping him at bay with narrowed at her unvarnished honesty. Hope ballooned in his chest at this incredible, insightful side to her, one he’d only occasionally glimpsed. Now, she opened up to him, allowing him to unload his own burden at his part in it all.

  “Right before the ceremony, I pulled him aside. I begged him not to go through with it. He accused me of wanting you for myself. I couldn’t deny it. This smirk came over his face, and then he left me there, guilty and ashamed. Now I wonder if he did it all on purpose, too.”

  Bree sighed heavily. “He wanted to live up to your expectations to settle down and start a family. All he ever wanted was Tina and when he couldn’t have her he turned to me, his friend.” She bit her bottom lip, and then pressed onward. “I guess the more he talked about you, the more I gave myself away. He must have sensed my…my curiosity about you; I usually prompted him to tell me stories.”

  “And, of course, he knew you well, knew how many of the same things we both held dear: children, family, work ethic, responsibilities, and religion.”

  “Faith,” she corrected, capturing his gaze and holding steady.

  This time Nick was the one to look away momentarily. “He told us nothing of you, not even a hint. I think he wanted to keep you hidden, all to himself. After knowing you I really can’t blame him for that at all.” He sent her a sly grin.

  She actually blushed and dipped her head.

  With his thumb and forefinger, he lifted her chin up so now he stared into her shimmering eyes. He sucked in a breath, unsure if he’d read what he thought he did. Is that love? Fighting a ripple of panic, Nick cleared his throat, saying, “I better go get cleaned up.”

  She stopped him. Gingerly, she touched him, first his shoulders, next the tear in his uniform, and then his stomach. Her delicate strokes broadcast her concern, her caring, more than any other gesture could have.

  “I was so scared seeing you hurt when you first came home. I thought…I’d lost you, just like the night you came to tell me Vinnie had died. I was more concerned about you than about my own husband.” She bowed her head, weeping silently.

  Hot droplets plopped on the back of his hand, wringing his heart. Her shoulders shook, yet not a sound escaped her tormented soul. A sharp lance of pain ripped through his middle. No woman had ever cared that much about him before, no woman had loved him like that before.

  She loves me, there’s no mistaking it now.

  Hesitantly, Nick reached out. With just his fingertips he caressed her soft bare arms, trying to offer comfort. “Please, don’t cry, Bree, you know it tears me up inside to see you like this.” It hurt to talk, to acknowledge even that much to her.

  She jerked her head up, taking him by surprise. He sucked in an aching breath at the now teary, blue eyes laced with more love than he’d ever experienced before in his life.

  God, what did I do to deserve this woman? Do I deserve her?

  “You want the truth, Nick? Well, I’ll give it to you. I can’t live without you.” She stopped on a sob. “I tried, I really did. But I was punishing both of us, and Sydney too, when I stayed away after Vinnie died. I denied how I felt and it was easier living in denial if I didn’t have to see you, hear you, touch you. I was only surviving.”

  He cupped her shoulders, hoping to warm the stark bleakness invading her features now, hoping to release the pent-up emotions swirling inside him at her disclosure. Tongue-tied, he couldn’t force anything past his numb lips.

  “I don’t have any pride when it comes to you anymore,” she whispered hoarsely.

  His middle clenched. “Don’t, sweetness, don’t lose your self-respect for me.”

  She shot him a watery smile. “Oh, but you see, Nick, I’m finally getting rid of the shame and self-disgust I’ve lived with for so long and getting my self-respect back. I used to think talking about my feelings would make me weak and vulnerable, but I realize it makes me stronger.” Taking a deep, shaky breath, she said, “I love you, Nicholas Carletti. I think I always have, but I know I always will.”

  With a heart that swelled to overflowing, Nick savored the precious words. Her declaration sounded like music to his ears.

  Clamping his eyes shut, Nick yearned to scoop her up in his arms, whisk her away, and make sweet love to her all night long. But he focused once again, knowing one of them had to be sensible and not be swept away in the heady moment.

  In an emotion-roughened voice, he said, “If love was the answer to all our problems then we wouldn’t be battling with each other at every turn.”

  He stopped short of confessing his own feelings, knowing he couldn’t trust her with them. He’d had his heart bruised beyond repair by one woman after he’d told her. And he sensed it would shatter in tiny little pieces if Bree ever tossed his love back in his face, just as Dorthea had done.

  I can’t trust Bree with my heart. I can’t guarantee she wouldn’t break it; I’ve never loved like this before. It’s just too damn risky.

  Swiping at her fast falling tears, Bree said, “You’re right. Even when we’re together, we’re apart. But there’s one thing I do know: We’re better as a family than we ever were on our own. We just have to learn to work as a team instead of against each other. Otherwise we’re going to rip this family in two, smash the best of who and what we are to where we can never repair it.”

  Something in her words, her tone, jolted him. Fear clawed at him, leaving great gapping slash marks in its wake. “We—I can’t do that to Sydney. I can’t destroy her or you. But there’s still a part of me that won’t let go of my son.”

  She framed his face with her small, soft palms. “I’m not asking you to.”

  Grabbing her wrists, he held on, feeling her strong, steady pulse pick up speed. “Aren’t you?”

  “Of course not.”

  Dragging her hands away from his cheeks, he clung to them with his own, squeezing tightly. “Don’t you see, every day that I’m living my dream it’s like a slap in the face to his memory.”

  “Just because he died doesn’t mean you have to die right along with him, Nick.” The fierceness in her tone took him by surprise.

  “I should have.”

  “Why? So the guilt of surviving wouldn’t gnaw at your insides every minute of every day, so you didn’t have to live with the pain of knowing on some subconscious level you wished him gone so we could be together?”
>
  Shock raced through his veins. “How…how did you know?”

  “Because I felt the same way!”

  Chapter 25

  “Noooo,” he said, dragging it out on a moan of shared pain. He’d never wish this agony on anyone, especially not the woman he loved.

  She nodded abruptly. “It took me a long time to find solace.”

  Envy poked him in the gut. “Got any pointers for me?”

  “My faith got me through the worst of it. And the realization that Vinnie’s death brought him a peace he couldn’t find in life and wouldn’t have even if I’d never been his wife. He couldn’t have what he truly wanted most: Tina.”

  “But he had Sydney. Wasn’t his daughter enough?”

  “No.” Her voice broke, fracturing his heart.

  Pinching the bridge of his nose, and then dragging his hand down his face, he admitted, “I don’t think I’ve had a moment’s peace myself since he died. I used to believe in the rightness of the world, that a son would outlive his father. I even used to believe in forevers. But I don’t anymore, sweetness.”

  “The pre-nup. Was that one of the reasons? You wanted a forever?”

  “Yes,” he dragged the word out. “It’s legal and binding. Not like…life.”

  “How can I help you get your faith back?”

  “I wish I knew that myself.” I’ve been lost for so long.

  She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. He returned the tight hold, burying his face in the warm space between her throat and shoulder. Inhaling, he detected the sweetness of her flesh, of his wife.

  “You’re a fighter, Nick, fight for what you want, fight for us, for your family,” she whispered.

  Melting into her, he clung to the acceptance she freely gave to him and his tormented soul. He stroked the long expanse of her back, reveling in the solid strength beneath the surface beckoning to him to lean on her, to follow her lead.