Knowing Me Knowing You

by Mandy Baggot

  ‘Here, let me,’ Joel spoke, putting a happy Bethan on the floor and moving into the open-plan kitchen area.

  ‘Sorry about this. It was supposed to be ready, Bethan was supposed to be in bed and I was supposed to have finished writing the list of questions to ask you. I haven’t succeeded on any count,’ Kate moaned.

  ‘Well, I could finish the dinner while you take Bethan up to bed if you like,’ Joel spoke, taking the spoon from Kate’s hand and stirring the meal.

  ‘It’s supposed to be chicken chasseur but I’m so hungry I really don’t mind how it turns out - as long as you’re happy with that,’ Kate answered.

  ‘That’s fine, go on,’ Joel insisted, looking at the sauce Kate had made.

  ‘OK. Come on Bethy, time for bed. Pick up Mr Crisps and say goodnight to Mummy’s friend Joel,’ Kate spoke, picking up her daughter who was hugging her bear to her.

  ‘Goodnight Bethan and goodnight Mr Crisps,’ Joel said, smiling widely at the child.

  ‘Night, night,’ Bethan answered, waving her hand in the air.

  ‘I won’t be long,’ Kate spoke.

  ‘It’s fine,’ Joel told her.

  ‘If you want a drink, there’s wine already open in the fridge. Sorry, started earlier when I couldn’t cut my chicken the right size.’

  Excitable though Bethan was, she was also very tired. Kate read her two of her favourite stories and very shortly afterwards she was fast asleep.

  Kate quickly changed out of the flour-covered top and inspected her nose in the bathroom mirror. It was swollen, bruised and sore. So, that was the new woman in Matthew’s life. She was young though, younger than her, and pretty in a pale sort of way. It was no surprise she was red haired, Matthew had always liked red-haired women. Drew Barrymore in her red phase had been much lusted after. So had her cousin Sophie at their wedding. Perhaps that was why he’d left her. She hoped not, she could have been persuaded to dye it.

  By the time she got downstairs Joel was serving up the food and her kitchen looked like it had been given a spring clean. All her dishes had been washed up and everything was neat and tidy. The chaos had completely evaporated.

  ‘Are you gay?’ Kate blurted out, watching Joel spooning out the food onto plates.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Sorry, I mean you always seem to look immaculate, you enjoy female company but you don’t have a girlfriend, you’ve finished cooking the dinner without any of the problems I encountered and now you’ve tidied my kitchen for me, I just wondered that’s all. That isn’t straight male behaviour.’

  ‘And I do love Glee,’ Joel added with a grin.

  ‘You do?’ Kate queried.

  ‘Hell no! And I’m not gay,’ Joel answered with a laugh.

  ‘Not that it would matter, because I mean…’

  ‘Dinner’s ready,’ Joel said, carrying the plates to the dining area where he had also set up the table.

  ‘Great,’ Kate said and hurried over to sit down.

  ‘I take it you don’t cook all that often,’ Joel spoke as he sat down opposite her and began to eat.

  ‘What makes you say that? Have you tasted it? Is it bad?’ Kate asked, drinking some wine.

  ‘No, it was the year’s supply of microwave meals in the cupboard, the complete lack of fresh food in the fridge and the absence of a spice rack.’

  ‘I don’t get the time really and I’m not, really that good at it,’ Kate admitted, taking a bite of her food.

  ‘This is good though,’ Joel told her as he ate.

  ‘This is Hermione’s foolproof recipe and I almost cocked that up, well not that the punching thing was my fault, but I’m not sure I added enough flour to the stock anyway.’

  ‘Well I think it’s pretty good. So, do you want to tell me why Matthew’s girlfriend would be attacking you on your own doorstep?’ Joel asked, looking over at her.

  Kate hurriedly explained.

  ‘And I guess she hasn’t taken the maintenance increase too well.’

  ‘No, so it seems. Look, Joel, thank you for agreeing to do Knowing Me Knowing You with me. I mean, it means a lot to me to try and not be dependent on Matthew and…’ Kate started, taking another drink of her wine.

  ‘You don’t have to keep thanking me; if we win I’ll be taking my cut of the proceeds,’ Joel asked.

  ‘Of course,’ Kate agreed.

  ‘So, where do we start?’ Joel enquired.

  ‘Well, I’ve got some questions right here,’ Kate said, reaching over to the sideboard and picking up a piece of paper.

  ‘Cool.’

  ‘OK, I’ve written down to ask about family background, siblings, parents, where you used to live etc. and then I’ve moved into the realms of what car do you drive, what aftershave do you wear and what do you find most attractive in a woman. I thought that sounded like a question that would roll off Larry Rawlins’ tongue.’

  ‘You’re probably right,’ Joel agreed with a laugh.

  ‘Do you want to start?’ Kate suggested nervously.

  ‘Sure. Well, first off, I’m adopted. So, as far as I know I don’t have any brothers or sisters. My adoptive parents live in Kent and that’s where I was brought up. I did A-levels, I went to university, did my degree, did some highly embarrassing underwear modelling and then I joined the Army. After that I got the job at the gym here in Highbridge. I’ve got a Honda Civic, I wear Davidoff Cool Water and the most attractive thing for me in a woman is a sense of humour. I think everyone should stop taking themselves so seriously.’

  ‘God, you sound like you’ve done this sort of thing before, all that tripped right off the tongue,’ Kate remarked, eating a forkful of food and drinking some more wine.

  ‘So, how about you? Or maybe I should guess. Right, let’s see, I’m thinking always lived in Highbridge, worked hard to qualify as a lawyer, drives a Ford Fiesta because I’ve seen one parked outside with a Baby on Board sign. I know you wear a perfume by Yves St Laurent, because believe me I’ve got to know my perfumes over the last eighteen months, but I have no idea what you would find most attractive in a man. Intelligence? Maybe - warmth?’ Joel spoke, smiling at Kate.

  ‘Not bad I suppose. My parents, they died, five years ago, in a car accident. I don’t have any siblings either, the Ford Fiesta is mine and I do wear Yves St Laurent, it’s called Opium by the way, but I’m on the absolutely last dregs of it so don’t wear it often, most days it’s eau de porridge for me,’ Kate answered with a sigh.

  ‘I’m sorry, about your parents,’ Joel said.

  ‘That’s OK; it was one of those things, a stupid twist of fate, wrong place, wrong time. And they left me with a pile of debt to sort out that I didn’t have a clue about, which is partly why I’m in the mess I’m in now - no savings to speak of. There we are, that’s my life in a nutshell. More wine?’ Kate offered.

  She didn’t like to talk about her past, it was still painful and with Matthew gone it just made her realise how alone she really was now.

  She filled up Joel’s glass before he had a chance to decline.

  ‘And what’s most attractive for you in a man?’ Joel asked her.

  ‘Well, er, I don’t know really, honesty maybe. Honesty might be appropriate at the moment because I haven’t had a lot of it lately,’ Kate said.

  ‘Is that Matthew there?’ Joel asked, indicating the picture of Matthew and Bethan on the sideboard.

  ‘Yes, that’s Matthew,’ Kate replied with a heavy sigh.

  She’d removed most of the pictures, the wedding one she ripped up, the one at the lovely little fish restaurant on their honeymoon, the one she took of Matthew wearing a nun’s habit on his thirtieth birthday. She couldn’t eradicate him from her life completely though, he was Bethan’s father and although he didn’t want to see her she didn’t want her daughter to completely forget what he looked like, especially if one day she turned round and blamed Kate for her not knowing who he was. It happened, she watched Jeremy Kyle.

  Later, after a bowl of Sarah
Lee’s finest and two bottles of wine, they sat on the sofa and attempted to re-enact the game show. Kate, glowing from her sixth glass of wine was determined to impersonate Larry Rawlins.

  ‘Just concentrate hard and pretend I’m wearing a ridiculous toupée and a flashy silver jacket. OK Joel, we asked Kate, if she could be any brand of chocolate bar, which one would it be? Would it be A, a Kit-Kat, simple yet satisfying, would it be B, a Mars bar, hunky and chunky or would it be C, a Crunchie, plain on the outside but mouth wateringly exciting inside?’ Kate spoke, camping up her voice to sound like the host of Knowing Me Knowing You.

  ‘I think you should be writing the questions,’ Joel responded with a laugh as he watched her.

  ‘Come on Joel, I need an answer from you. Don’t make me repeat the options and keep the lovely Kate in that rather poor excuse for a glass booth over there.’

  ‘OK, OK, I think C, a Crunchie.’

  ‘CORRECT! That’s another Kissing Gate on the board!’ Kate announced, dancing from one foot to the other and picking up her glass of wine to down the contents.

  ‘You’re crazy,’ Joel said with a shake of his head.

  ‘It’s your turn, come on. Get some more wine, get into character, feel yourself actually becoming Larry Rawlins,’ Kate said, sitting down on the sofa and making Joel stand up.

  ‘I didn’t sign up for role playing.’

  ‘No? Didn’t I mention that? Now, I want to hear an authentic voice and see some winking at camera one, which is over there by the way,’ Kate spoke.

  She was definitely halfway to drunk, things were becoming fuzzy round the edges but it wasn’t such a bad feeling especially when she had someone like Joel to look at. She was going to give him forty percent of the money if they won the contest, she may as well ogle him while she had the opportunity.

  ‘OK, ladies and gentlemen, we asked Joel, if you and Kate have a disagreement what is it usually about? Is it A, money, Kate spends too much on hiring escorts, is it B, food, all Kate eats is microwave meals or is it C, Larry Rawlins - who does the best impersonation of him?’ Joel spoke.

  Kate laughed out loud and then threw a cushion across the room at him.

  ‘You aren’t taking this seriously! That isn’t the sort of question he would ask, ask me another,’ Kate ordered.

  ‘OK, OK, sorry. We asked Joel what sort of underwear he preferred his women to wear.’

  ‘OK maybe I would have preferred the other question.’

  ‘Would it be A, a thong – after all less is more or would it be B, Bridget Jones pants – because a lady should have curves in all the right places or is it C, plain white cotton bikini briefs – because we all remember our first time?’

  ‘I think I’ve had enough now, I feel sick,’ Kate said, sitting down on the sofa with a sigh.

  ‘Don’t know what type of underwear I prefer?’ Joel asked with a smile.

  ‘I couldn’t care less,’ Kate answered, holding her arms across her chest annoyed he was predictably interested in lingerie.

  ‘Neither could I,’ Joel said with a laugh.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I don’t have underwear preferences, I just thought it was the sort of lame question they would ask,’ Joel told her.

  ‘We haven’t asked each other a dilemma question yet,’ Kate said as she poured more wine into her glass.

  ‘Well go on, let’s try one,’ Joel suggested.

  ‘You want me to think one up?’

  ‘You suggested it.’

  ‘OK, well Joel, we asked Kate - if you thought that Joel was cheating on you what would you do? Would you A, ignore it, it will burn out soon enough and your relationship can survive any crisis, B, confront Joel about it, no one treats you like that and you need to get to the bottom of it or C, dump him, any sniff of a rumour is enough for you.’

  Joel looked at Kate, as if hoping to find the answer in her face. His eyes were so large, like saucers filled with dark coffee. His gaze was so intense she had to look away and clutch hold of the wine bottle to distract herself.

  ‘I would like to think it was B, because I would want things out in the open and I don’t really do cheating by the way.’

  ‘Well you’d be completely without a Kissing Gate there because the correct answer would be A,’ Kate replied.

  ‘You’d ignore it? Why?’

  ‘I hate confrontation, of any sort. I wouldn’t know what to do or say and I’d be scared what you would do or say. Speaking hypothetically obviously.’

  ‘I’m surprised; I didn’t have you down as that sort of person,’ Joel admitted.

  ‘Oh I’m a doormat, always have been,’ Kate replied with half a smile.

  ‘Is that what happened with Matthew? He cheated on you?’ Joel asked.

  ‘No. No, at least, I don’t think so. I don’t know, maybe he did. I guess he might have, I didn’t think about that. God, how stupid,’ Kate exclaimed, her brow furrowing as she considered what Joel was suggesting.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry, I just thought, because of the question you asked…’

  ‘God, you’re probably right, he was probably seeing this Amanda all along. That’s why she came round here and thumped me. I expect it isn’t just the money thing, I expect I’ve been a thorn in her side for ages.’

  ‘Forget I said anything. Let’s talk about something else,’ Joel suggested quickly.

  ‘Good idea. Tell me about the Army. What did you do? Where did you go?’ Kate asked quickly, shaking her head as if to remove Matthew from her thoughts.

  ‘A lot of different places,’ Joel said shifting in his seat.

  ‘Well where? I’m interested.’

  ‘Well I went to Germany for a while, Northern Ireland and then - Afghanistan,’ Joel replied with hesitation.

  ‘God, really? Was it awful? Did you have to kill people? I mean I know that’s what you have to do ordinarily but some people in the Army don’t do that do they, they just play in the Army band or cook or something. Ah you were a chef! That’s why you’re so good at cooking and tidying up and making things shiny. They do that in the Army don’t they - scour pans until you can see your face in the bottom,’ Kate gabbled drunkenly.

  ‘I wasn’t a chef,’ Joel replied with an absent look on his face.

  ‘Bugler? I could definitely see you bugling.’

  ‘No, I…’ Joel began.

  ‘Drummer? No hang on, paramedic type person - you must know first aid for your job at the gym. Yes, I could definitely see you carrying people over your shoulder under heavy gunfire.’

  ‘I’d rather not talk about it to be honest; it was a while ago now and…’

  ‘Lynn at work, her husband’s in the Army and he went to Afghanistan. He got blown up by a mine or something. Well, he didn’t personally, but he was close to the person who did get blown up and he got injured - lost one of his hands. I don’t think he’s allowed to do too much now,’ Kate continued not noticing Joel’s reluctance to discuss the topic.

  ‘Shall we do another question because they won’t be asking about the Army in the show will they? Not exactly light-hearted entertainment is it? They’ll be asking about who snores more loudly and who gets up in the night to pee the most,’ Joel spoke, putting a smile back on his face and trying to direct the conversation.

  ‘Is that why you left the Army? Did you get injured or something,’ Kate asked not hearing his desperation to move on.

  ‘No, I didn’t get injured. Listen, I really don’t want to talk about the Army any more,’ Joel told her in serious tones.

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ Kate said finally ending her questioning and seeing the unease in Joel’s expression.

  ‘I’d better get going. I didn’t realise it was so late,’ Joel said, checking his watch and immediately rising to his feet.

  ‘Oh are you sure? I mean there’s plenty of wine, at least I think there is. I know there’s some gateau left,’ Kate offered also standing up.

  ‘I’m fine, thank you and thank you for dinner
, it was really nice,’ Joel spoke his heart-stopping smile back on his mouth.

  ‘Well thank you for coming and for answering all the stupid questions. I think we did quite well didn’t we? Whoops, now I’m sounding like Bruce Forsyth,’ Kate said as she showed Joel to the door.

  ‘We did well,’ Joel agreed.

  ‘So, shall I call you? Do you think we should do this again?’ Kate spoke.

  ‘Give me a call, maybe next week,’ Joel replied, opening the door.

  ‘Oh OK, well, see you then, bye,’ Kate said and she let Joel out and watched him walk down the path.

  She let out a sigh as she closed the door. Although Bethan was asleep upstairs the house seemed so quiet and empty, like the fun and laughter had just left along with Joel. She was sorry he was gone. She had enjoyed his company and playing the silly game and her mouth actually ached from full-on belly laughs she thought she had forgotten how to perform. She closed her eyes as she leant against the door. She hadn’t laughed enough with Matthew. Maybe that was why he left her. She hadn’t laughed enough with him and her hair wasn’t red.

  Fifteen

  ‘So? How did the chicken chasseur go down? Goodness Sweetie, what happened to your nose?’ Hermione asked as she brought a cup of blueberry tea over to Kate the following day.

  ‘Oh it’s not as bad as it looks. I think I had a visit from Matthew’s girlfriend last night. At least I hope it was her because otherwise I have no idea who it was. Can’t remember giving out my home address to any irate clients just lately,’ Kate spoke, taking a sip of her drink.

  ‘God Kate, she thumped you? What did you do?’

  ‘I stood there with a nose bleed and Bethan winding around my legs, not knowing what to do. Luckily Joel turned up.’

  ‘And how did the dinner go? Learn lots about each other?’ Hermione asked excitedly.

  ‘It was quite good fun. Actually I haven’t laughed so much in ages,’ Kate admitted, smiling as she remembered the role play.

  ‘That’s great! So, what next?’

  ‘I don’t know, it all went a bit weird. It was my fault, I was a bit tipsy, and I kept asking him about the Army and it was obviously a sore point and I think he got fed up with me going on about it. I do go on about things when I’m drunk don’t I?’ Kate spoke.