Knowing Me Knowing You

by Mandy Baggot

  ‘Mmm, just a bit. I remember the time you had one glass of Philip’s home-made wine and didn’t shut up about George Clooney.’

  ‘Well that stuff was very strong.’

  ‘So he’s been in the Army.’

  ‘Yeah, Ireland and Afghanistan. Oh and he’s been an underwear model but I didn’t get round to asking details,’ Kate spoke.

  ‘Sloppy! I’d like to hear much more about that! Goodness, Afghanistan, that can’t have been nice. I wouldn’t have had him down as a soldier though, far too charming, not at all like the squaddies I used to go out with. Their idea of romance was nine pints of lager and a kebab,’ Hermione said.

  ‘And he’s adopted. I didn’t like to ask too much about that, I mean you never know quite how people feel about that situation do you?’

  ‘But you have to ask, that’s what getting to know the ins and outs of someone is all about. And that’s the knowledge you need to win the contest.’

  ‘I know but I didn’t want to pry too much straight away, I mean we’ve only just met.’

  ‘So when are you meeting up again?’

  ‘I don’t know, he said I should call him next week but I don’t know what to suggest doing. I mean we had to make up our own questions last night and it didn’t work properly. What we need is someone to set some for us, that would really be a test,’ Kate informed, drinking more of her tea.

  ‘Well that would have to be someone who was familiar with the format of the show and the sort of questions they ask,’ Hermione said.

  ‘Mmm, yeah,’ Kate responded.

  ‘And someone who knows you quite well obviously, to play along with the ruse,’ Hermione continued.

  ‘Yeah,’ Kate replied and she suddenly put down her tea and looked at her friend.

  ‘Look no further! I would love to set the questions! I can’t think of anything more fun! Philip would love it too. Phone Joel, you can both come to dinner next week and we’ll re-enact Knowing Me Knowing You right here in my kitchen,’ Hermione spoke excitedly.

  ‘Are you sure? I mean, I don’t want to keep taking up so much of your time and…’ Kate began.

  ‘It’s being offered Sweetie and I won’t take no for an answer,’ Hermione said firmly.

  ‘CHOCOLATE!’ Cyrus whispered loudly, walking into the kitchen and drumming his feet on the floor.

  ‘Mum, I can’t find my school tie,’ Heather called, appearing at the door as Cyrus started to march around and around in a circle.

  ‘Sorry Kate, I’d better go and sort my tribe out or no one’s going to get to school today,’ Hermione spoke, getting to her feet.

  ‘That’s OK; I’ve got to head off anyway. Thanks for the tea, bye Bethan,’ Kate called into the living room as she passed.

  She looked in on her daughter and saw she and Sky were making the beginnings of a den using the chairs and a sheet.

  ‘See you later. Stop that Cyrus!’ Hermione said firmly.

  When Kate arrived in the Probate department at Randall’s she could barely see her desk for the second time that week. This time it wasn’t covered with streamers and balloons, it was covered in files. Probate files were always large and bulky due to the nature of the work but the files piled high on her workspace looked fit to burst and eerily old, some even had cobwebs on them.

  ‘Morning,’ Lynn greeted, entering the room and approaching Kate.

  ‘Morning, what happened here? Did someone clear out archives and leave it all on my desk?’ Kate asked her secretary, staring at the files in horror.

  ‘Afraid not Kate,’ the Lady Dragon’s voice boomed as she materialised before them like something out of Quantum Leap.

  ‘I’d like you to look at these for me, they’ve all got money on client account, small amounts mainly and I don’t remember who gets what. Could you go through and sort them out for me?’ Miranda finished, batting her eyelashes and flicking her blonde hair back.

  ‘Well, actually, I’ve got quite a lot on today and….,’ Kate began, deciding she didn’t want to be walked over.

  ‘What do you have outstanding?’ Miranda asked her mouth thinning as she looked at Kate disapprovingly.

  ‘Well, I need to finish the accounts on Carruthers and start the IHT papers on Watson and…’

  ‘That shouldn’t take you too long though should it? If you could sort these by tomorrow that would be perfect,’ Miranda spoke the smile returning as she sensed triumph.

  Kate just smiled back, not knowing what else she could really do or say. And then before she knew it she was studying Miranda’s hair again. Was it a wig? If it was then it wasn’t obvious. It looked like real hair, it moved like real hair, it had to be real hair.

  ‘And I’ll have a coffee when you have a minute Lynn,’ Miranda said, facing the secretary and flicking back her hair again.

  Lynn met her boss’ eyes and then cracked a false smile that resembled an over enthusiastic clown.

  Appearing satisfied with her show of power, Miranda tip-tapped back across the room and returned to her lair.

  ‘I’m going to have to move these or I won’t be able to get on with any work,’ Kate spoke as she began to lift the files down from her desk.

  ‘Here, let me help you,’ Lynn offered.

  ‘Stupid bloody Dragon, I don’t know why she’s got it in for me,’ Kate said, putting the files onto the floor next to her desk.

  ‘I might. Rumour has it Colin Sykes wants you to take that exam thingy - you know - the one that turns you from a legal executive into a solicitor. I think she’s terrified of that happening because once you’re a solicitor you could become a partner,’ Lynn explained.

  ‘Where do you get these rumours from? You spend far too much time chatting by the water cooler in my opinion,’ Kate joked.

  ‘Actually I got it from Colin’s secretary, Sophia. She told me in the strictest confidence. He’s been looking at the exams, timescales and stuff.’

  ‘For me?’

  ‘Yep, but don’t tell anyone I told you because it’s not common knowledge. The only people that know are Colin, Sophia and me - and the water cooler obviously. Expect a memo though.’

  ‘Why would he want me to do that? Miranda is ripe for becoming a partner; it’s virtually a done deal,’ Kate spoke, dumping the last file on the floor and sending up a cloud of dust from the carpet.

  ‘I think she’s putting noses out of joint. Rumour has it a few clients have complained about her,’ Lynn informed as quietly as she could manage which was about two decibels below a Boeing engine.

  ‘Really? But I thought she was always good with clients, I thought she was everyone’s golden girl.’

  ‘Good with the chat, less good with the knowledge, allegedly. You didn’t hear that from me either.’

  ‘God, I would never have thought that, she always seems so capable.’

  ‘Things aren’t always what they seem. By the way, she did change those accounts you did. I checked my copy, yours were perfect, she’s taken bits out and put bits in, and I know it was her because she left her log in name on the system. Not very clever to forget to cover your tracks. Two sandwiches short in the deception department if you ask me,’ Lynn informed.

  ‘But why would she…’

  ‘Dur! Colin thinks you’re partner material, she’s under scrutiny because clients have complained, she’ll be looking to discredit you.’

  ‘But at the expense of sending incorrect papers to the clients?’ Kate asked horrified.

  ‘She’s a ruthless bunny, that won’t matter to her. They’ll be your mistakes and she can take the credit for sorting them out. Come on Kate, stop being so nice all the time,’ Lynn boomed.

  ‘God, is this what they call warfare in the workplace?’

  ‘Yes! Good! Nice to hear you’re awake now! I’ve sorted the accounts; I’ve sent a copy to your email and saved them in triplicate.’

  ‘Well what do I do? If she’s determined to make me look like an idiot? She’s the boss, she has all the means.’
>
  ‘Give me the Carruthers case for a start; they only need a tidy up. You can get on with Watson, I can help you with these balances later, and then, at lunchtime, when she’s out having her talons manicured or whatever today’s beauty treatment is, we can strategise and plan our attack,’ Lynn spoke almost excitedly.

  ‘God Lynn, I’m not sure I have the enthusiasm for it. Playing games isn’t really my thing.’

  ‘No? Four little words, Knowing Me Knowing You.’

  ‘That’s not fair.’

  ‘You can’t let her get away with it.’

  ‘You really think Colin’s earmarked me for the solicitors’ exam?’

  ‘Sophia never lies when I’ve plied her with Hob Nobs,’ Lynn insisted.

  At 1.00pm, just as Lynn and Kate were about to gather around a desk with sandwiches and strategy, Kate’s telephone rang.

  ‘Hello, Kate Baxter.’

  ‘Hello Kate, I have a Joel Brown in reception for you,’ the switchboard operator announced.

  ‘Oh, OK, I’ll come down - Lynn, Joel’s in reception for me, I won’t be long. Shall I make some tea when I come back up?’ Kate suggested.

  ‘Sure, I’ll just log in to the Lady Dragon’s emails and see what she’s been plotting,’ Lynn replied, tapping away on the keyboard and concentrating on the screen.

  Kate hurried from the room and went down the two flights of stairs to reception. When she got there, Joel was sat in one of the really uncomfortable, yet classy looking, leather chairs, flicking through a magazine. He was smartly dressed in a plain white shirt and dark trousers looking as gorgeous as ever. He raised his head and she caught sight of the charcoal coloured eyes.

  ‘Hello,’ Kate greeted rather stiffly.

  ‘Hi,’ Joel replied and he hurriedly stood up and kissed her on the cheek.

  ‘Shall we go outside?’ Kate suggested quickly as she blushed from head to foot.

  She knew they were supposed to be giving the impression they were madly in love but every time he did something as simple as pecking her on the cheek she was taken aback and embarrassed. Plus she didn’t want either of the receptionists to be privy to anything she was going to say. Ruby was terribly nosey and she was related to Miranda in some bizarre way, Miranda’s aunt’s boyfriend’s mother or something. And the less Miranda knew about her relationship with Joel the better.

  ‘Sure,’ Joel agreed and he opened the door for her.

  Once outside, Kate realised just how cold it was and wished she hadn’t made the suggestion. Privacy wasn’t worth freezing to death for. She hugged her jacket to her and tried not to shiver.

  ‘Sorry, to bother you at work, I just wanted to apologise for leaving so abruptly last night. It was really rude of me and I didn’t thank you properly for the dinner,’ Joel spoke, looking a little ashamed.

  ‘Oh, well that’s OK. I think I drank a bit too much and I was going on and on about the Army and…’

  ‘No you weren’t, you were fine - it was me,’ Joel insisted.

  ‘Oh good, I’m glad I didn’t do anything stupid. I had a vague recollection that I was doing really bad impressions of Larry Rawlins. Tell me I’m wrong.’

  ‘Ah, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but…’

  ‘I guess it could have been worse, I could have been pretending to be the Love Dove.’

  ‘Maybe you can try that the next time,’ Joel suggested.

  ‘I was going to call you about the next time actually. If you still want to do it that is, I mean I promise, no more interrogation, just gentle questioning,’ Kate spoke concerned.

  She didn’t want him deciding it was all too much hassle and back out of the whole thing.

  ‘Gentle questioning huh?’

  ‘You haven’t changed your mind have you?’

  ‘No,’ Joel told her.

  ‘Phew! Thank God for that, I thought I might have blown it last night with the crap dinner and the SAS inquisition.’

  ‘I’ve got a strong constitution, on both counts.’

  ‘Great. Well Hermione, you know, my mad friend who does the tea leaf reading, she’s invited us to dinner and offered to make up some questions for us. She knows everything, you know, that we aren’t really a couple and you’re an escort, in fact she was the one who gave me the card. And she watched the show, actually I’m starting to worry about her because she seems to know everything there is to know about it, I’m afraid she has it on Sky+ and is watching it on a loop,’ Kate gabbled.

  Joel laughed and smiled at her.

  ‘What do you think?’ Kate asked.

  ‘It sounds like it would be very entertaining and good timing seeing as there’s only two weeks until the next show.’

  ‘Is it only two weeks? I don’t even know whether you’re a wet or dry shave man. I’m thinking wet.’

  ‘Then you have a Kissing Gate on the board,’ Joel answered.

  ‘Really? How excellent!’

  ‘Listen, I was thinking - would you like to go bowling?’ Joel asked suddenly.

  Kate looked at him blankly. It sounded like he was asking her out on a date. Was that possible?

  ‘Oh,’ Kate said not committing, leaving it open for him to clarify his motives.

  ‘If you don’t want to that’s fine, it was just an idea. I thought we could throw a few balls, practise looking like a couple.’

  ‘No, it sounds good; I mean we could try some questions over a few strikes, strikes of mine, of course. When?’

  ‘Tomorrow night? I could pick you up, about seven thirty?’ Joel suggested.

  ‘I’ll have to check if Hermione can babysit. Shall I call you?’ Kate asked.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Great, well I’ll…’ Kate began.

  Suddenly there was a loud bang and a car kangarooed up the road. Kate jumped at the noise but Joel reacted in a more extreme manner. He grabbed hold of Kate, bundled her to the floor and covered her head with his arm as the car let out another horrendous clap of noise which sounded like a cannon going off.

  Kate’s face was pressed against the wet pavement and she had banged her elbow on the ground. She could feel his body tight up to hers. His heart was racing and he was breathing heavily.

  Rapidly realising what the noise had been Joel hurriedly got to his feet, red faced and embarrassed. He helped Kate up and began rubbing down his jacket.

  ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t know what that was, I…’ Joel began not able to look Kate in the eye.

  ‘People shouldn’t be allowed to drive cars that aren’t roadworthy,’ Kate found herself replying, trying to ignore her pavement-stained suit.

  ‘I’d better go,’ Joel said quickly.

  ‘And I’d better get back to Lynn; she’s devising some scheme to oust the Lady Dragon,’ Kate spoke, pushing open the door to Randall’s and feeling awkward.

  ‘Sounds intriguing,’ Joel managed to say.

  ‘I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow, bye,’ Kate spoke, stepping back into the offices and waving a hand at Joel.

  ‘Bye,’ he ended as he watched her go.

  Kate ignored the quizzical look from Ruby on reception and raced up the stairs. She suspected the nosey old bag had seen everything anyway on the security camera.

  ‘How are you getting on?’ Kate asked as she rejoined Lynn at her desk.

  ‘What the Hell happened to you? You’re covered in muck,’ Lynn remarked as Kate tried to brush down her jacket.

  ‘Oh, nothing. What have you found?’

  ‘You won’t believe it, she’s been altering more than your accounts, she’s been writing letters to some of your clients, look,’ Lynn spoke, showing Kate the evidence.

  ‘That was Joel, in reception,’ Kate spoke not really looking at what Lynn was showing her.

  ‘Yes, you said. So he’s the new boyfriend is he?’

  ‘I guess he sort of is.’

  ‘Well either he is or he isn’t.’

  ‘It’s a little bit of both actually,’ Kate replied.

&nb
sp; ‘I don’t understand at all, but take a look at this; the Lady Dragon’s been sending memos to the managing partner, about your incompetence,’ Lynn announced loudly.

  ‘What? You’re joking? What does it say?’ Kate exclaimed in horror, moving closer to the screen to get a look.

  ‘It’s in draft and she’s listing all the files with errors on. This is cool!’ Lynn announced excitedly, tapping on the keyboard.

  ‘What? Cool? How can it be cool? She’s putting mistakes on my files and trying to discredit me!’ Kate said furiously.

  ‘Yes but she’s listed all the files so we can go in and put the errors right and then she’ll look a complete idiot,’ Lynn told her.

  ‘Maybe I should just confront her about it. I mean I know I don’t like confrontation, even Joel knows that, but I haven’t really got the time or energy for any of this,’ Kate answered with a sigh.

  ‘Leave it to me, I love little challenges like this and believe me, with an opponent like the Lady Dragon you need to be underhand and devious. I can do underhand and devious. I watch all the right TV programmes; I can do Ray Winstone or any of the culprits in Trial and Retribution. It’s all about keeping one step ahead of the game,’ Lynn assured her, narrowing her eyes and grinning like a distant relative of the Kray twins.

  ‘Why does she hate me so much?’ Kate asked out loud.

  ‘You’re better than she is and she can’t cope with that. People kill for less you know. Did you see the latest Rebus?’ Lynn asked.

  ‘No,’ Kate replied with a sigh.

  ‘Or any of the Cracker series?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Well not to worry, I’ve seen enough for the both of us. One thing’s for certain though, you’re going to have to toughen up. ‘No mercy’ as they say in all the best films!’ Lynn told her seriously, looking at Kate like she was now a member of a crack SAS unit.

  ‘You’re scaring me,’ Kate admitted.

  Lynn let out a laugh and then trained her eyes on the computer screen like she was looking through the sight of a sniper’s rifle.