Quests for Glory

by Soman Chainani

  “Lucky Robin gave us some of his gold,” Tedros murmured, patting a satchel in his coat pocket.

  “Lucky Robin’s house had one of Marian’s old dresses that fit me and that the vendor at Sherwood Suits recognized you or else we’d be eating in a pub somewhere off a menu I could actually understand,” said Agatha.

  They both looked up and snickered.

  Silence lingered, each of them waiting for the other to continue the conversation.

  In the void, Agatha could hear Rhian and Sophie talking—

  “My name is on your map?” Rhian asked, surprised.

  “Yes! The Quest Map made by the Storian,” said Sophie. “But that’s only possible if you’re a student at the School for Good and Evil.”

  Rhian chewed on his lip. “Maybe my mother hid my Flowerground ticket after all.”

  “Rhian is a beautiful name, by the way,” said Sophie, as their fox waiter brought a basket of buttermilk bread. “Where did you get it from?”

  “My father named me.”

  “After the Good School Master? The one Rafal killed in the Great War? That’s what his twin brother was named.”

  “Was it?” Rhian laughed, biting into a roll. “Better change my name, then. A bit too much to live up to. Sophie fits you perfectly, though.” He winked at her.

  “Not sure that’s a compliment, but I’ll certainly take it as one,” she said archly.

  Agatha noticed Tedros listening too, but now their waiter reappeared.

  “I’ll have the chicken,” said Agatha.

  “I’ll have the lamb,” said Tedros.

  The fox took their menus and glided away.

  Agatha smiled at Tedros, trying to reset.

  “Feels like our first date,” she said shyly.

  “Most of our relationship has taken place in times of war,” said Tedros. “We’re still figuring out how to do peace.”

  More awkward silence.

  “You’ve been through a lot today. More than any of us,” said Agatha, trying to force the same intimacy she’d seen between him and Rhian. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Tedros put his hand through the gold drops from the chandelier, which magically passed through his palm. “I’d rather talk about other things. Like why you didn’t write me when you promised you would.”

  “I didn’t want you to worry about me,” Agatha sighed. “If you knew what we were dealing with on our quest, you’d have panicked.”

  “I see,” said Tedros, not looking at her.

  “But my point is you can confide in me, Tedros. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past six months. You can tell me things. Anything. About how you’re feeling. Don’t try to protect me—”

  “Says the girl who wouldn’t pick up a pen to tell me how she was feeling because she was trying to protect me,” said Tedros, his gaze settling on her again. “And then you wonder why I don’t tell you things.”

  Agatha didn’t know what to say.

  “I’m going to the bathroom,” Tedros said, getting up.

  Agatha fidgeted with the tablecloth as he left. In the silence, she could hear Rhian and Sophie again.

  “I was talking to Hester and Anadil after the burial,” said Sophie, nibbling around the edge of a roll. “I suggested you might be a good candidate for School Master. We need a new one, as you know—”

  “School Master!” Rhian nearly spewed his cider. “So I can fly you in and out of my tower like Rafal did? So you can replay your fairy-tale fantasy with someone slightly less murderous and far less qualified?”

  “No!” Sophie said, offended. “I think—or we think—you’d be perfect for the job. You’d still have to interview with Professor Dovey, of course, but given my popularity with the students, I’m sure my opinion would have more weight—”

  “Not interested,” said Rhian. “In the position, that is. Still interested in you.” He flashed a smile and Sophie blushed. “But I have a job now for the rest of my life. At Tedros’ side.”

  “I know,” said Sophie sincerely. “But I have a job too. One that isn’t at Camelot, where you and Teddy will be.”

  “Are you happy being Dean?”

  “I’m good at it,” said Sophie. “It’s what I was meant to do.”

  “But are you happy?”

  “I’d be happier if you were School Master.”

  Rhian smiled. “I don’t want us to be apart. You’ll just have to visit Camelot often. It’s less than a day’s journey.”

  “If only it was that simple. Teddy wouldn’t even let me in the castle to plan his own wedding, let alone ‘visit often.’ Plus, to be honest, I think he feels a bit insecure around me. . . .” Sophie checked to make sure Agatha wasn’t listening. (Agatha dropped her napkin and pretended to be looking for it.) “. . . given how poorly Teddy’s reign started versus how successful I’ve been as Dean, I mean,” Sophie said to Rhian, softer. “Catching the Snake will help Teddy’s reputation, of course. But I just don’t think he’ll ever feel comfortable around me. Too much history. And maybe . . . well, I shouldn’t say it. . . . It doesn’t even make sense. . . .”

  “Tell me,” said Rhian.

  Sophie again glanced at Agatha, who was watching the cricket symphony intently. Sophie leaned towards her knight. “I think deep down, Teddy knows I’d make a better king than he would.”

  “Ah,” said Rhian. “King Sophie . . .”

  The knight cracked up.

  So did Sophie. “I told you it was silly—”

  “Your story promised you’d be a handful, but I had no idea.”

  Sophie stopped laughing. “I ruined it, didn’t I. . . . I shouldn’t have said anything. . . . I should have faked being nice and bashful like all the other girls you date—”

  “I like you even better now, if that’s what you’re asking,” said Rhian.

  Sophie stared at him, speechless for once.

  “Come back with me to Camelot,” said Rhian. “Just for a few days. It’ll give you and Tedros a chance to thaw before you go back to school. Once he sees me with you on his home turf, he’ll realize it’s the perfect ending. That you and him don’t have to be at odds. The four of us can be true friends, regardless of where we are.”

  Sophie considered this. “But my students . . .”

  “I’m sure the other Dean can handle things. Just a few days. The school will still be there when you get back.”

  “You really think we can have a perfect ending?” Sophie asked.

  “You deserve it. Anyone who says you can’t isn’t telling you the Truth,” said Rhian.

  Sophie took him in . . . then turned to Agatha. “What do you think, Aggie?” she asked, her green eyes twinkling as if she knew her friend had been listening all along.

  Agatha startled in her chair. “What? Oh. Um—”

  “What does Agatha think about what?” Tedros asked as he sat back down.

  Agatha, Sophie, and Rhian spun to him—

  “Nothing,” they said.

  Foxes circled the tables.

  The first course had arrived.

  After dinner, they walked through the darkest part of the Forest towards Marian’s Arrow, the four of them together.

  Agatha had her arm hooked in Tedros’ as Rhian and Sophie cuddled on the sandy path ahead of them.

  “I’m going to burst out of these clothes,” said Tedros with a burp.

  “I’ve never eaten so much in my life,” Agatha moaned, feet shuffling lazily. “Even Sophie had dessert. Sophie. She ate all three!”

  “What do you mean, ‘all three’? All six! She ate mine too!” Rhian called out, pecking Sophie on the cheek.

  “I don’t care if I have to do yoga in a steam room for eight hours tomorrow and juice fast for the rest of my life . . . ,” Sophie said, wobbly-legged and food-drunk in Rhian’s arms. “It was worth it.”

  “And that is how a witch is felled,” Tedros whispered to Agatha. “Gourmet dining.”

  Agatha nuzzled into his chest as th
ey watched Sophie and Rhian kissing intensely.

  “I remember when we were like that,” Agatha sighed.

  “What do you mean ‘were’?” said Tedros, sweeping her up in his arms and kissing her as he carried her.

  “Oh, put me down,” said Agatha.

  “You told me to put you down when I carried you at school and then you fainted and Sophie turned into Satan and we almost died,” said Tedros, clasping her tighter. “So request denied.”

  Agatha relaxed in his arms. “I love you, Tedros.”

  “I love you, Agatha.”

  “You love me even though sometimes I try to control things too much?” she said.

  “You love me even though sometimes I try to shield you too much?” he said.

  “You love me even though I don’t write you when I’m supposed to?” she said.

  “Well, it’s not like you write Sophie either,” said Tedros.

  Agatha laughed.

  “No more Snake to worry about. The Woods safe again. Our allies back on our side,” said Tedros. “And soon we’ll be king and queen. Husband and wife.”

  “We’ll be as good in peace as we are in war,” said Agatha.

  “We already are,” he said, kissing her again.

  “Does anyone actually know where we’re going?” Rhian’s voice hollered.

  Tedros lifted his lips off Agatha’s. “Oh, for God’s sake, Rhian. How hard is it to follow a path?”

  They were totally lost, it turned out, but no one seemed to care, with Tedros now whispering to Rhian at the fore, and Sophie canoodling with Agatha behind them. Fairy lights flickered occasionally over their heads as if to assure them they were perfectly safe, despite the fact the emerald Forest had turned ink-black and they could hardly see each other’s shadows anymore.

  When a silent moment finally came, it was the king who broke it.

  “If Sophie wants to come stay at Camelot for a few days, it’s fine,” said Tedros.

  “There’s my man,” Rhian crowed, slinging an arm around him.

  Sophie and Agatha goggled at each other.

  “Provided she does all the wedding planning and stays locked in the dungeon,” Tedros said, half-joking.

  “Will Rhian be locked in the dungeon with me?” Sophie asked.

  The four of them burst into laughter.

  “Speaking of witches . . . ,” said Tedros.

  Far off the side of the path, Agatha could see a small fire burning in a dug-out pit. At its edge, Hester and Anadil leaned against each other, speaking softly as they roasted marshmallows and ate them off sticks. Neither noticed the group.

  “Should we go say hi?” Tedros whispered.

  Sophie and Agatha swiveled to him at the same time. “No.”

  Sophie smiled at Agatha knowingly.

  “Let them be,” said Sophie.

  The witches weren’t the only ones taking sanctuary in the Forest. As the foursome went on, they spotted a tent made out of a bedsheet, surrounded by melting wax candles, lighting up two shadows inside the tent, kissing and giggling.

  “Now this we have to see,” Sophie said.

  She sashayed into the thicket and pulled open the tent—

  Hort and Nicola tumbled out.

  “I told you I heard someone!” Nicola said.

  “Hiya,” Hort beamed, seeing Agatha, Tedros, and Rhian first. “Robin told us you guys went to Beauty and the Feast. I wanted to take Nic there for our first date, but I don’t have the money, so I made a picnic inste—”

  He saw Sophie. But Hort didn’t look the slightest bit embarrassed or aggrieved. “Um, you guys going to the Arrow?”

  “We’re on our way right now,” said Sophie. “Want to join us?”

  “Maybe we’ll meet you there,” said Hort.

  Sophie smiled at him. “No pressure.” She turned to his new girlfriend. “Oh, and Nicola, I used one of Robin’s best crows to send a message to your father in Gavaldon and let him know you’ll be home for Christmas.”

  Nicola goggled at her. “Y-y-you did?”

  “Didn’t tell him you’d stay home, of course. In case something compels you to come back to the Woods,” she said, winking at Hort.

  Hort smiled at Sophie and squired Nicola into his tent.

  “That was so nice of her,” the group heard Nicola saying.

  “Nice of her, indeed,” said Agatha to Sophie as they retook the path.

  “Everyone deserves to be happy in The End,” said Sophie, almost singing it. “Including little weasels.”

  By the time they reached Marian’s Arrow, it was well past midnight. In their dresses and suits, they traipsed through a silent fernfield to get to the rusty barn, painted with a cartoon of a young Robin Hood in his green jacket kissing Maid Marian in a white pinafore. From both of their mouths came a speech bubble that read:

  LEAVE ALL YE TROUBLES BEHIND

  A beady-eyed vulture peered down at them, perched over the door, eating what looked like a deep-fried rat.

  “Password?” he asked throatily.

  “Little John,” said Tedros.

  “Proceed,” said the vulture, sprinkling ratcrumbs.

  Agatha pushed open the steel door.

  A wave of noise crashed over them as Agatha looked around a place that was half seedy pub and half country jamboree. Harried waitresses in tight Sheriff’s uniforms scampered about, some taking orders, others dive-bombing food to the tables, sloshing ginger beer, cheeseballs, and pigskins on customers’ heads. In the center of the Arrow, a throng of customers square-danced while two billy goats fiddled on their hind legs beneath a massive porcelain statue of Maid Marian, tall as a giant, that blew bubbles if you deposited a silver piece. Everywhere Agatha looked, she glimpsed men wearing brown caps speared with colored feathers, each one of them flirting with someone. But she couldn’t see Robin himself anywhere.

  Tedros came back from the bar with four tall mugs of cider—

  “Look, there’s Hood!” he said.

  Agatha spun to see the famous rogue standing atop the bar, a woman under each arm who was not Marian, and raising a mug to the crowd.

  “Let us toast first to my Merry Men, for livening these Woods and spoiling its women!” The crowd cheered and the men in brown caps around the pub took a collective bow. Robin grinned down at Agatha, Tedros, Sophie, and Rhian. “Let us also toast to the questers of the School for Good and Evil for fighting a battle that not many are willing to fight and protecting kingdoms that most of you come to our Forest to escape!” Another cheer. “Let us also toast to Maid Marian, for being my true love since my own school days and for letting me name this place in her honor, and most importantly . . . for being at home asleep!” Perhaps the loudest cheer of all. “And let us toast the girl who deserves our greatest thanks on this day and always . . . for her courage, her kindness, and her heart. To Dot!”

  “To Dot!” the crowd roared.

  “To Dot!” said Tedros, clashing mugs with Agatha, Sophie, and Rhian.

  “But where is Dot?” said Sophie.

  Then Agatha saw her, slumped over a table in the corner.

  “Oh my God,” she said, breaking from Tedros and sprinting to Dot’s side.

  “Dot, are you okay?” she breathed.

  “Beauty and the Feast . . . Beauty and the Feeeeassssst . . . ,” Dot warbled, looking up, eyes red and squinty, clutching a mug. “Where boys bring girls to give them rings—”

  “What is this?” Agatha demanded, snatching the mug out of her hand. “What are you drinking?”

  “Chocolate millllk,” Dot mumbled. “What I alllllways drink at the Arrrrroooo—”

  Rhian rushed in and seized the mug, sniffing it. He dumped the remainder on the table and watched it curdle. “Sleeping Willow seed,” he said, eyeing Agatha. “The milk was doctored.”

  “He got me my millllllk . . . Best date everrrrrr,” Dot slurred.

  “Who’s he?” said Tedros intensely, kneeling at her side.

  “Kissss meee, Teddy,�
� Dot piffled, slumping over.

  Tedros hoisted her up like a child and sat her on the table. He looked into her pouty face. “Dot. Who’s ‘he’.”

  “My date . . . ,” she said, yawning. “Went to the bathroom a few hours ago . . . He’ll be back any second. . . .”

  Tedros went white. “The boy I saw at the restaurant?”

  “You thought you recognized him—” said Agatha, seeing Tedros’ face.

  “Kei doesn’t like Teddy,” said Dot, poking at Tedros’ muscles. “Kei wanted to see Daddy’s keys . . . said he’d give me a kiss for each one I showed him . . . Look how many kisses I got. . . .” Dot dug into her dress and thrust her keys into the air like a trophy—

  Dot screamed.

  The whole Arrow screeched to a stop: the music, the dancing, the beer.

  Because the key ring Dot was holding had no keys left.

  By the time they made it to the jail, blood spilled out its doors like a river.

  The cell door was ajar, the magic sack inside shredded to threads and scattered about the stone floor like snakes.

  And guarding the cell were three Merry Men, with eyes wide open, their hearts speared through with their own arrows.

  26

  TEDROS

  Questions of a King

  This meeting will come to order!” Tedros declared, standing in front of the captain’s wheel of the Igraine as it flew through the pink-and-purple dawn sky. He looked down at the gathered crew, still in their clothes from the night before and sitting cross-legged on the deck. “I won’t waste words, as Professor Dovey’s crystal ball does not give us much time with her—”

  “Indeed,” said the Dean, from a watery bubble hovering next to Tedros’ head, her office a mess in the background. “The Snake is on the loose after escaping Nottingham, and though neither he nor his scims have yet to be sighted, he will surely come for Camelot, for Excalibur, and for the king. We must protect all three. Judging from my Quest Map, your ship will arrive at Camelot in an hour and we need to be clear on the plan—”

  “Now as to the details of this plan—” Tedros cut in.

  “Tedros, I think it’s best if I handle—”

  The king turned to the Dean. “We may be your students, but this is my kingdom that we’re about to land in. So are you leading this meeting or am I?”