Playing Ball

by Kerry Freeman

  “You know what you were supposed to say and you knew I was standing right there, so there was no reason for you not to turn it over to me.”

  “Why’re you being so hardheaded?” The line between Ruben’s brows deepened. “You know I cared about her too. Cassandra was a friend. You’re not the only one who carries around guilt for what happened between us.”

  Alan couldn’t believe Ruben was arguing about this. There was no room for disagreement here. It was a boundary issue, one that Ruben had clearly crossed, and he knew he was wrong. But when he looked up at Alan with an expression that was both stubborn and aching, it made Alan bristle and put his defenses up.

  “You tell them to talk to me.” Alan stuck his thumbs through his belt loops. “I’m serious. This isn’t something I’m going to back down on.”

  Ruben set his beer bottle down with a deliberate motion that made Alan’s senses tingle. Of all the times for him to dig in his heels…. Alan wished he’d picked any other topic than this. When Ruben turned to face Alan, there was a hot, reckless mood in his dark eyes. “Why?”

  Alan blinked and then scowled at Ruben as he stood up. “What you do mean why? That’s a dumbass question. You know why.”

  “Why does it bother you this much?” Ruben pressed, stopping in front of him, close enough that Alan could smell the crisp, clean scent of his aftershave. “Not to be cruel, but she’s been gone for two years. There’s nothing we can do that’ll hurt her anymore. So I have to ask myself why you still feel so guilty when I mention Cassandra.”

  All Alan could do was stare at Ruben, scrambling to find words. “I don’t think we should be discussing this.”

  “Why not?” Ruben said, taking another step closer, making it hard to think. Alan’s skin pricked with electricity, and he had to stop his gaze from drifting to Ruben’s mouth. That would be a bad idea. That was how all this had started in the first place, with Alan watching Ruben’s mouth, the way his lips moved as he rambled on about one of his favorite topics. “You’ve been pushing lately, asking questions I’m not sure you really want answered.”

  Alan scrubbed a hand through his hair and moved away to set his beer down. He needed some space between them so he could think. “Okay, you’re right, I have, and I’m still waiting on an answer for why you left.”

  Ruben barked a disbelieving laugh and put his hands on his hips as he stared at Alan. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

  “What?”

  “I left because I knew if I didn’t I’d be tempted to kiss you again.” A jolt of electricity lanced through Alan at those words. “And I didn’t want to get between you and Cassandra any more than I already had. I figured distance would be good for us, but I was wrong, wasn’t I?” Ruben said with a pointed glance.

  Alan felt the instant flush in his cheeks. “That was a mistake on my part, and right now is not the time to get into it.” This wasn’t why he had invited Ruben over. Whatever was bothering him had nothing to do with their past. Did it?

  “I think it is, because it’s still eating at you. If it was nothing more than hormones and alcohol and whatever other excuse you come up with for what happened between us, if it hadn’t meant anything, then I think it would’ve faded by now.”

  The confused jumble of emotions spiked and surged, fueling Alan’s temper. He couldn’t get a handle on his own feelings. Who was Ruben to say how he did and did not feel?

  “Will you stop bringing that up?” Alan glared at him, his jaw clenching. After all this time of not talking about it, it was a shock to hear it all being alluded to now. “Seriously, Ruben, it’s time to let it go. It was a mistake. A huge one. One you started.”

  Ruben flinched, and this time he was the one who looked away. Alan knew he was going to regret those hot words later on, but right now the bubbling guilt, anger, and confusion had ahold of him.

  “Yeah, you’re right, I did, and I apologized. I never should’ve kissed you. You keep asking why I left the team. You know damn well why. I left because you made it clear nothing was going to happen between us, and I—”

  Alan wished that Ruben hadn’t stopped himself there, before he told Alan how deep his feelings ran, or what the hell had been going through his mind that night or afterward. “You what?” Alan snapped, stepping toward him again. “Jesus, Ruben, I didn’t ask you to leave town because of it. Nothing could come of it. We were both married. We both had kids. What the hell did you expect?”

  Ruben leaned closer, and Alan’s heart began to pound, his breath shortening. His gaze went to Ruben’s lips and then jerked back to Ruben’s eyes. “Why does it bother you, Alan? Am I too close? Do you still think about those two nights when you’re alone in bed?”

  He did think of them, more often than he needed for peace of mind. His mouth went dry and his thoughts skittered back to the memory of how the desire had risen hot and hard between them.

  “I do,” Ruben said, echoing Alan’s thoughts. “I remember your rough kisses and the way your hands gripped my shirt.”

  Alan stared at him, trying to speak, but the words tripped on his tongue. Ruben moved closer still and Alan’s whole body stirred. “I remember how you tasted and that little urgent sound you made just before you came.”

  Alan stepped back, shocked into moving by hearing it said so baldly. Even though Ruben had been responsible for the first incident, the second had been all Alan’s doing. At least Ruben hadn’t thrown that in his face. The memories flooded through him: the dizzying pleasure of having Ruben’s cock in his hand, feeling him move as Alan stroked him, hearing him moan, and having the intense, forbidden pleasure of knowing he was making his best friend that crazy.

  “I think you should go,” Alan said and turned away from Ruben to let him through the door. He needed to think, and right now neither one of them was thinking very well.

  “Yeah, I think you’re right,” Ruben said softly and pushed by him. Alan bit back the hot swell of disappointment and refrained from calling him back. They both needed to clear their heads before they did something they’d both regret. Again.

  Alan sank down into the nearest chair and rested his elbows on his knees as he heard the sound of Ruben’s car starting. His body still thrummed and his thoughts were full of the memory of Ruben’s scent, the heat of his nearness. As the sharp edge of his desire faded and his emotions cooled, he realized that he never did get to talk to Ruben about what was bothering him.

  “Dammit,” Alan groaned and dropped his head in his hands.

  Chapter 3

  THE sun beat down on the diamond and the air had dust kicked up from dozens of cleats. Though it was warm, it wasn’t as humid as it would be back in Florida. Most winters, Ruben couldn’t figure out how he’d ended up in Vermont, of all places, but he loved the summers, even if they were too short. He loved the mist on the mountains on quiet mornings and the view from his house of the picturesque lake. Even more than that, he loved the community in this small town and their passion for the local Little League teams.

  Ruben looked around at the ring of expectant young faces covered in sweat, all with streaks of dirt embedded into their uniforms. Was there any better sport than baseball? Despite everything that had been dragging him down and his argument with Alan, it hadn’t been hard to throw himself into the scrimmage, not with all these boys looking to him and his assistant coach, Laurie, for direction.

  “That was a great scrimmage, guys. You keep that heart when the games begin, and we’ll take this the whole way.”

  “Coach Hartner has got real good hitters on his team,” Sammy said as he looked back at Alan’s team, huddled by the other dugout.

  “And we have good hitters on ours too. Don’t let him psych you out, now.” Ruben tugged on the bill of Sammy’s cap. “Besides, if you keep pitching the way you do, you’ll leave them swinging at nothing but air.”

  “Hey, Coach, you gonna do the game ball this year?” Christian chimed in, setting his glove on his head like a makeshift baseball cap. R
uben refrained from shaking his head as he struck a pose. The kid was a good player when he focused on the game instead of midfield song and dance antics. His biggest hurdle was the need to be constantly doing something.

  “Absolutely.” Ruben retrieved one of the balls they’d used in practice, the pristine white of the leather all but gone behind ground-in dirt. He signed it and tossed the ball to Laurie to sign as well. He gave one ball away at the end of every scrimmage and game, and made sure all the kids got one over the course of the season. “Okay, this ball goes to Parker. You’ve showed the most improvement since we started practice and you kept your head in the game today.”

  “Wicked!” Parker’s face lit up as he caught the ball, and his teammates congratulated him before racing off to raid the cooler for their drinks and snacks. For a few minutes there was nothing but chaos as parents packed up their folding chairs and tried to get their kids’ equipment sorted out. Ruben glanced across at the other dugout and picked out Alan’s familiar figure as he shoved spare bats into the duffel bag.

  Ruben pressed his lips together. He really owed Alan an apology. It seemed like every time he turned around he was fucking up another relationship. He needed to accept the fact that even if he could get Alan to respond to him—and damn he wasn’t blind, he’d seen the heat in Alan’s eyes last night—it didn’t matter.

  He had expected Alan’s rejection, but even knowing it was coming, even knowing why, didn’t stop the sting. He’d set himself up for more heartache last night. How long could he be in love with Alan before he realized his friend was never going to return the same feelings? Alan did not want that kind of relationship from him. He needed Ruben to be his friend, not his lover.

  Over the past few weeks, he’d felt out of control, pitching wildly in the hope of getting some kind of a reaction out of Alan. If he kept it up, the only thing he’d accomplish would be to make Alan move right on out of his life. He had to get a handle on his life again, one way or another. He had to move on.

  “Hey, Coach!”

  Both Ruben and Alan turned, and for a moment their eyes met as Ruben’s heart did its funny little dance. Ruben turned toward Sammy, who was running up to him, waving Ruben’s phone. “You got a call.”

  Ruben’s heart leaped and he grinned as he heard the familiar tone he’d set for FaceTime with his kids. “Thanks.” He tapped the screen and his daughter’s face appeared, her brown hair caught up in a messy ponytail. “Hey, Pumpkin.”

  “Hey, Dad.” Jessica beamed, showing the flash of dimples that she hated. “I’m not bothering you, am I? Do you have a game?”

  “This is a perfect time. We just finished a scrimmage against Uncle Alan’s team.”

  “Did you win?”

  “You know it, though he gave us a good fight.” Ruben walked toward the dugout so he could see her face better without the glare of the sun. “I missed you last night. Were you having fun?” He kept his tone light. He didn’t want to lay any guilt or pressure on her for the missed time.

  “Yeah, Jonah spent the night at his dork friend’s house, so Mom took me and the girls out to a movie. It was kinda boring, though. It was so girlie.”

  Ruben couldn’t stop the grin. Despite Karen’s best efforts, Jessica was still Jessica, and she was a tomboy down to her toes. He was sure that would change in a few years when she discovered dating, especially with the influence of two older stepsisters she adored, but for now he was glad she was still as rough and tumble as always.

  A shadow fell across the doorway, and Ruben glanced up to see Alan’s silhouette blocking the sun. He leaned against the rough wall of the dugout, arms crossed over his chest, and Ruben sensed his gaze on him. He really needed to apologize for how he’d behaved last night.

  “Sometimes a little girlishness isn’t a bad thing,” Ruben said, turning his attention back to Jessica. “It’s good for you and your mom to have a little time with your new sisters. So, are you all ready for your trip to London?”

  Emotions flickered across Jessica’s face, excitement and guilt, making Ruben want to ease the conflict in her eyes. “Yeah, mostly. I want to go, but I want to see you too. Maybe you could meet us there,” she suggested with a hopeful note in her voice.

  “You know I can’t.” Ruben’s heart ached more as Jessica’s face fell. “You’re going to be staying with your aunt. Besides, I wouldn’t have time to get a new coach for the team. Another time we can plan an overseas adventure of our own.”

  “I know.” Jessica sighed and flopped back on the bed. “Am I going to get to see you at all this summer?”

  “Of course you will. As soon as you land you’ll be heading my way for the rest of the summer. And I’m going to talk to your mom about sneaking a week off in October to go to Disney to make up some of the time. I’ll call her later on today. But if we do that, you’ll have to keep your grades up.”

  Ruben was hoping the suggestion wouldn’t lead to an argument with Karen. They both had worked hard to get through their resentments and hurt to present a united front for their kids. And in the past two years he thought they’d managed to become friends again. Still, she wouldn’t like the thought of them taking off school, and he had to get over the thought that he was being taken advantage of before he called her or it could get messy.

  They had joint custody, and ever since his surgery it seemed like his time was getting shaved off in little ways. First there was the wedding at the end of last summer that cut the visit short. Then there had been the few days taken off over winter break, so they could get used to the holidays as a blended family. Now they were going to be in London for three weeks of his summer. Ruben got it; sometimes life happened. Still, he wasn’t going to let his time with his kids be whittled away until they became strangers. Sometimes he considered moving back to Tampa.

  Alan and the boys flashed in his mind. Damned if he wouldn’t miss them just as much. Maybe a move would be a good idea, though. He would be able to truly share custody. Now that he and Karen got along better, perhaps they could live in the same state without recriminations. And it would be easier to let Alan go.

  “I can keep my grades up, and Jonah’s such a nerd you know he’ll be good.”

  “Stop calling your brother a nerd and a dork all the time,” Ruben said, and Jessica wrinkled her nose. “Don’t forget, we’re visiting your abuela in August. You’ll be quite a world traveler this year.”

  “That’s true.” Jessica’s face lightened from its preteen moodiness. “I gotta go. I have a softball game with my friends, but I’ll call tonight. Tell Uncle Alan and his monster squad I said hi.”

  “He’s right here.” Ruben turned the phone around so she could see Alan, and he waved.

  “Hey there, Pumpkinhead.”

  Ruben looked back at the screen and blew Jessica a kiss. “Have fun at the game, and I’ll talk to you and Jonah tonight.” When the screen went black, the icy bleakness settled over Ruben again. He wasn’t going to have his kids with him for another month.

  “What’s this about London?” Alan asked, coming to sit beside him on the bench. “Jonah and Jessica aren’t coming next week?”

  Ruben shook his head, turning the phone over and over in his hand. “Karen’s sister is in London for a year, and she invited them to come and spend part of the summer with her. It’s a pretty big deal. Jonah’s going to love all the museums and history, and Jessica is dying to go to a real tea and to see a rugby match.”

  As many times as Ruben pointed out all the positive aspects of the trip, his heart just wasn’t buying it. He wanted his time with his kids.

  “I’m sorry, Ruben, that blows. I know how much you miss them.”

  Ruben’s chest ached at the empathy in Alan’s voice. He always understood when Ruben needed him the most. Ruben should’ve confided in him sooner about the change of plans. It didn’t only affect Ruben—Brett would miss out, too, since he and Jonah were the same age and they usually had a blast together. But talking about it would’ve made the situa
tion undeniably real.

  “I feel like a selfish bastard, because I really wanted to say no,” Ruben admitted.

  “Understandable, but you didn’t, because you love them and you want them to be happy.” Alan laid his hand over Ruben’s. “I know it’s not the same, but you’re always welcome at our house.”

  “Even when I act like a jackass, like I did last night?” Ruben had come on too strong, said too much, and pushed every single one of Alan’s boundaries. He wasn’t sure if it was because he’d gone over there already moody or if Alan’s obvious shame over their past had pushed him to that point. In the light of the morning, he had to remind himself that Alan was a good man. One of those men who took his commitments seriously, and to break that commitment to Cassandra over some hard kisses and heated groping would have been a big deal. It wasn’t that it meant nothing. It just meant couldn’t happen again, in Alan’s mindset.

  “You weren’t the only one who acted like a jackass. I shouldn’t have jumped down your throat like that. I was there, I heard them ask you, and you were honest with my kids.” Alan squeezed his hand and then let go, leaving Ruben to miss the warmth of his grip. “It was a knee-jerk reaction on my part.”

  Ruben waited to see if he would add anything else, if Alan would discuss what led to that knee-jerk reaction, but his friend remained silent. That made him ache too. “I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I’m sorry I screwed things up for you when I kissed you. I shouldn’t have done it.”

  Alan shot him a strange look and then a smile quirked the corner of his lip. “You know, you have said that, but you haven’t actually ever apologized for kissing me.”

  Ruben spread his hands and shrugged. “That would’ve been a lie. I might have run away to give us both some space, but I won’t lie to you. I’m not sorry I kissed you. It was an amazing kiss. But if I had been thinking, I wouldn’t have done it.”