Playing Ball

by Kerry Freeman

  Alan frowned and stared at his hands. “Ever?”

  “No, not that. But I would’ve waited until we were single. I know you’re not like me, but I still wanted to know if maybe there could’ve been something.”

  Alan’s frown deepened, and Ruben waited for him to change the subject. This was the most they’d ever talked about it other than saying it shouldn’t have happened. He rested his elbows on his knees and looked out at the now quiet baseball diamond. It seemed fitting that the conversation should be happening here, in a place that connected their old life with their new one. In the distance he could hear the sound of kids playing on another field. The dust had settled and the air was heavy with the scent of dry grass.

  “Did you know then that you were gay?” Alan finally asked, glancing at him sideways.

  “I…. I’d known for a while. Knowing it and facing it are two different things.” Ruben took a sip of water from his bottle and grimaced. It had gotten very warm. He hesitated, wondering how much he should share with Alan. He knew his friend hated that he kept things back, but he wasn’t sure how much Alan really wanted to know, despite what he’d said.

  “Did you have thoughts about other guys when you were younger?” Alan asked.

  “Yeah, but I convinced myself it was a phase and wrong. And I convinced myself that if I ignored them, those thoughts and feelings would go away. For a while, it almost seemed to work.”

  Alan’s expression was faraway, and Ruben wondered if he was imagining what it had been like for him then, the fear and shame of being different.

  “Realizing how my feelings for you were changing helped me to face who I was,” Ruben admitted. When Alan still didn’t say anything, he continued. “I wanted people to know me, the real me, then if they liked or hated me, at least they liked or hated me for real reasons and not because of some mask I was wearing.”

  “I think to those who knew you the best, the change wasn’t all that profound,” Alan said, looking at him, his blue eyes solemn. “You were the same Ruben that threw a scary fastball and an evil knuckleball. You were the same Ruben that enjoys all the old black-and-white movies that you shanghaied me into watching on the road; the same Ruben who loves his kids passionately, who can hold on to a grudge for way too long. And you are the only man I know who can pull off wearing white slacks in the summer without looking like an ex-porn star. Who you were attracted to didn’t change you, even if it changed some people’s perception of you, and it definitely didn’t make you any less my friend.”

  Ruben nodded, and though he was grateful for Alan’s support, he was left feeling a bit frustrated, as if Alan wasn’t hearing what he was trying to say.

  “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me or that you had to go to another team after that kiss,” Alan continued. “I didn’t want you to go.”

  “You didn’t make me feel like you didn’t want me around, or that I blew our friendship.” Ruben leaned down to zip up the bag at his feet and then looked to see if anything else had been left behind in the dugout. The next team would be coming soon. “I knew that we couldn’t be anything more than friends, and I needed time and space to deal with that. Stupid, I know, but there it is.”

  “It’s not stupid, Ruben.”

  Alan searched Ruben’s face as silence fell between them, and then he smiled. “I’d always wanted to know what was happening with you when you left for Tampa, what you were thinking about me, how you felt. But I admit, at the time I was a little afraid of the answers. I guess the curiosity has gotten to me lately and I have been pushing you.”

  A cautious hope welled up inside of Ruben. He had waited so long to have these conversations with Alan, but every time he’d tried, he’d been blocked. He’d waited for Alan to see him as something more than a friend with whom he’d had the occasional indiscretion.

  “You know, I admire you for coming out,” Alan said. “I know it wasn’t an easy decision, and I’m not sure if I could’ve made the same decision if I were in your situation.”

  “It was something I needed to do. Living a lie was turning me into somebody I hated.” Ruben glanced at Alan and let his gaze linger on Alan’s face. “Personally, I think you could do anything you set out to do. Look at everything you’ve accomplished in the past two years, what you’ve taken on without whining.”

  “I haven’t had time for pity parties.” Alan’s expression became serious. “The only reason I kept it all together is because of you. It can be overwhelming, and when it is, you’re there, calm and collected. It keeps me going.”

  “I love you.”

  The words slipped out of Ruben without thought and hung in the air like droplets of sun streaming through the shadows of the dugout. Alan grinned and clapped him on the back. “I love you too, man. You know that.”

  Once again the moment fell away, as Alan hadn’t heard him. Of course they loved each other, as friends, as brothers; only Ruben meant he was so damn in love with Alan he couldn’t see the end of it. He’d been in love with him for years and nothing had changed it, not leaving or coming back.

  Ruben heard cars pulling up and doors slamming as kids tumbled out for the next scrimmage. He got up and slung the equipment bag over his shoulder before grabbing the cooler. “I’m going to the cage for a bit. I can drop off the bat bag for you.”

  “I’m grabbing the boys from Miss Sarah’s and then I’m coming by for a few hours since we have that birthday party tomorrow.” Alan grabbed the equipment he’d left outside the dugout. “I’ll set up Matt’s playpen in the office so he can have his nap, if you don’t mind the hooligans being there.”

  “You know I don’t.” Ruben started to trudge out of the dugout, and Alan caught his arm.

  “Hey, why don’t you come by for dinner again?”

  As tempting as the thought was, Ruben knew it would be a bad idea. With the mood he was in, he just might start something with Alan—either another argument or what Alan referred to as “the incidents.” The reckless, on-edge feeling from the night before still had ahold of him. “Not tonight. I need to call Karen and work out a plan for the rest of the summer. See if I can talk her into a mini vacation later on this year.”

  “I don’t like the thought of you being there alone.” Alan frowned, his blue eyes darkening. “Not when I know you’re still upset.”

  Ruben looked down at Alan’s hand on his arm. It still amazed him how often Alan initiated small touches like this, while seeming to be oblivious to everything else. He couldn’t seem to stop himself from reading too much into things. “It is what it is, Alan. I lived a lie and I hurt Karen, hurt myself. But we did get Jessica and Jonah out of it, and neither of us regret that. Don’t worry about me. I don’t plan on being alone for the rest of my life.”

  Chapter 4

  BRETT helped Seth from his booster seat as Alan eased a sleeping Matt out of his car seat. His youngest slumped against Alan, a dead-to-the-world, sweaty weight and he didn’t stir as Alan nudged the door shut. The kid could sleep through anything. He played hard and slept equally hard.

  The cooler air in the batting cage was a welcome relief after being in the sun most of the day. Ruben was on the phone. He waved to him from the office and pointed at the playpen he’d already set up in the cramped confines.

  “Thank you,” Alan mouthed as he eased Matt down and covered him with a light blanket.

  Ruben gave him a distracted smile and continued talking in rapid Spanish. Alan heard Jessica’s and Jonah’s name, but for all the smattering he’d picked up of the language from hanging out with Ruben all these years, he never could understand him when he was talking to his mother.

  Alan paused at the door and looked back at Ruben. He’d taken the time to shower and change, though he still had faint stubble on his cheeks. His black curls gleamed, threaded with the occasional silver that thickened a bit at the temples. The summer sun had only deepened the golden-brown of his skin. He looked… sexy. Well, except for the furrow on his brow and
the downward turn of his mouth. Alan couldn’t figure out why he was still single. Alan had been too busy taking care of the boys to date, but Ruben didn’t have that excuse. Though based on his comment earlier, he was probably looking, and that left Alan with an unsettled feeling.

  Ruben glanced up, caught his gaze, and raised one heavy, dark brow in a silent question. Alan shook his head and left. He checked on Michelle, who was running the front desk, and took a quick scan of the main room to make sure all of his sons were accounted for and not into any trouble before starting to put away the equipment they’d used for the scrimmage.

  As he cleaned off the catcher’s gear, his thoughts kept returning to last night. He had been so certain Ruben was going to kiss him again. He’d lain awake for hours thinking about it afterward, trying to downplay the niggling disappointment. He was crazy to even consider the fantasy, but that hadn’t stopped him from thinking about it or going over past memories in detail.

  Ruben had a point: Why did it bother him so much to hear him mention Cassandra? It wasn’t because of the kiss or the heated exploration that Alan had initiated another time, though they definitely played a part. If it had been just about the physical aspect, Alan thought he might’ve been able to put the incidents behind him. If it had been just the physical, it never would’ve gone beyond that first kiss.

  Alan had missed Ruben when he left. Missed him like something vital had been cut out of his life. He’d been pissed and hurt in a way he knew was more than missing a friend. He and Ruben had a connection that went beyond friendship, an emotional intimacy that didn’t belong when they were both married to other people.

  That was why he felt so guilty, because he’d allowed it to continue, and that was more dangerous than the stolen kisses.

  Alan sighed, rolled up the canvas bag they used to carry the equipment in, and stored it away in the locker. He wanted to talk to Ruben about it, but he wasn’t sure what it meant and he didn’t want to stir things up that might be better off left alone. They had a good thing going with the business, their friendship. The only thing that would make it perfect was if Jessica and Jonah could be here for the summer.

  “Dad, can I use a cage?” Mikey called over the din of the other kids.

  Alan crooked a finger at him. Mikey came over, his face twisted in a grimace because he already knew the answer. “What do you think?”

  “I’ve gotta wait my turn. But, Dad—”

  Alan cut him off with a shake of his head. “Whining isn’t going to work, buddy. These kids paid to be here, and their parents are coming to pick them up at a specific time. It wouldn’t be fair to take that away. You’ll get your chance. You just have to be patient.”

  Mikey nodded with a huge sigh. “Yes, sir.”

  “You don’t have to sound so resigned over it,” Alan said with a chuckle. He pulled Mikey close with an arm around the back of his neck and gave him a gentle noogie.

  “What’s that mean?” Mikey squirmed away. “Resigned?”

  “Oh-my-God-my-life-is-so-bad.” Alan made a shooing motion. “Now go, hit up the arcade for a bit. Hey, and go tell your uncle you want him to come over for dinner.”

  “Okay.” Mikey changed directions and headed toward the office. Maybe it was wrong of him to use his kids to strong-arm Ruben, but Alan didn’t feel bad about it at all. He recognized the signs of a major brood coming on. And when Ruben brooded, he often made life-changing decisions without talking to anyone first. Like signing with Tampa. Or when he asked Karen for a divorce. Or even when he returned to Boston. It wasn’t that they were necessarily bad decisions, Alan just wanted to be braced for whatever was going on in that man’s head.

  Given the situation, Alan wouldn’t be all that surprised to find out Ruben had decided to move back to Tampa to be close to his kids, or maybe even go to his family in San Juan. That would still be closer to Jessica and Jonah than Vermont.

  Alan frowned and stared at the office door. Ruben wouldn’t make a decision like that again without talking to him first, not now. They were business partners. That involved all kinds of logistics. Though if Alan had to choose between being closer to his kids and the batting cage, there would be no argument. His frown deepened as the worry grabbed hold of him. His boys would be devastated if Ruben moved to Florida, especially Matt. They all looked at him as if he were another member of the family.

  “Dad, are you mad?” Mikey asked as he came out of the office. He stopped when he saw Alan’s face.

  “No, why?” Alan asked, pulled out of his spiraling thoughts.

  “You’re making a scowly face at the door.” Alan watched Mikey’s expression change, as if he was making a catalogue of recent transgressions in his mind. “I didn’t do anything.”

  “Uh-huh.” Alan couldn’t help teasing him and grinned when Mikey’s eyes went all wide and innocent. “Spare me the excuses, buddy. I’m just messing with you. Cage Three has opened up. You can go hit for a while if you want.”

  “Wicked.” Mikey started to race off and then dropped to a fast walk when he realized Alan was still watching him.

  “Hey, Mikey. What did your uncle say about dinner?”

  Mikey jammed a batting helmet on his head. “He said to tell you, ‘You win.’ Does that mean he’s coming over?”

  “Yep. Thanks, buddy.”

  Alan took one last glance at Ruben’s door then went back to work. There was no sense angsting over a maybe. He’d talk with Ruben later. They’d had a good conversation earlier, just like the talks they used to have on a regular basis. Open and honest, not holding anything back, and Alan wanted to see them continue.

  RUBEN shook his head as Mikey shut the office door. Alan was too used to getting his way. Ruben had a hard enough time saying no to him, but it was even harder with the boys, especially when it was such a little request. He knew Alan well enough to realize that if he sent one kid in, he’d send them all. So if Ruben wanted to talk to Karen, he’d better do it now instead of later. He glanced at Matt, who still slept in his playpen, his thumb planted in his mouth. Ruben got up and gently removed his thumb before returning to his desk to make the call.

  “Disney, Ruben? Really?” Karen said when she answered and Ruben winced. He should’ve called before Jessica had a chance to tell her. “During the school year? Don’t you think you should’ve talked to me first before you mentioned that to your daughter?”

  Ruben tamped down his initial surge of irritation at her tone. She already sounded exasperated, and they fed into each other’s moods too well.

  “You’re right. I should’ve. I was just throwing out possibilities,” Ruben said, tapping a pen against the stack of invoices on his desk. “I also told her it would be based on how they were doing in school. They can’t have missed days or dropping grades if they are going to take some time off. It was a ‘we’ll see’ plan, not anything definite.”

  Ruben refrained from pointing out that Karen hadn’t talked about London with him first, either. They’d both learned early on in their split that things went so much smoother when they didn’t snipe at each other.

  “I just want some more time with them this year,” he continued. “I’m not blaming you for the craziness last year, but I’m really missing them. They’re growing up so fast.”

  “I know, Ruben. I’m sorry,” Karen said, her voice softening. “What if instead of missing school in October, they extend their winter break and stay in Vermont for some skiing after Christmas? They’ll still miss a few days, but nothing gets accomplished at that time of the year anyway.”

  “That’s the teacher in you talking.” Ruben considered her suggestion. On the one hand, he’d have to wait a little longer to see them, but if they extended their holiday visit, then Alan and his boys could go skiing too. Jessica and Jonah would like that. “I think that’s a good idea.”

  “That should make the kids happy. They’ve done Disney several times. It’s not really a novelty anymore. They rarely get their winter sports and they complain abou
t that.”

  “Are you all set for London?” Ruben tossed the pen in the cup holder and settled back in the chair. No matter what he did, he couldn’t seem to calm the restlessness inside of him. He needed to do something, anything; this waiting was really getting to him.

  “Yes, now that the passports have come in. I was beginning to worry. Thank you for not freaking out about this.” Karen hesitated, apology tingeing her voice. “I jumped on the chance, and I know it really puts a damper on your summer.”

  “Like you said, it’s a good opportunity for them. So I’m trying not to be a selfish bastard over it.” The cramped office was crowded with pictures from their baseball days, many of just Alan and Ruben, but the desk was reserved for pictures of their kids. Ruben stared at one of all six of them, lined up like stairsteps, with Jonah and Brett looking like fraternal twins, one darker, one lighter.

  “I was thinking… I know it’s last minute, but why don’t you come down for a few days before we go?” Karen suggested. “It’ll give the kids a welcome surprise. They’ve been bummed too, despite their excitement for the trip.”

  Ruben pulled out his calendar as the idea grabbed ahold of him. “I think I could do that if we got Michelle to cover my time here at the cage. Laurie could easily handle the missed practices. But I’d have to be back in time to get ready for Opening Day. It’s a big deal around here. Let me talk to Alan and see what he thinks.”

  Karen was silent a moment, and there was a strange hesitance and curiosity in her voice when she spoke again. “I don’t know if you realize this, but you talk about him like he’s your significant other.”

  Ruben thought about what he and Alan had built together, and how they interacted with Alan’s kids and with Jonah and Jessica when they were visiting. “I suppose I do in some ways.” Sometimes it seemed like in just about every way except one.