Dare to Breathe

by M. Homer

  “Arnie quit the morning of the day you started. I think he was freaked out at the idea of working with three strong women. It was like you were meant to be and I am so glad Mandy made me hire you!” She pats my cheek affectionately. “So, you gonna tell me what happened?”

  I tell her all about Nathan and how he has looked out for me, how when he was drunk he kissed me and told me he loves me. I tell how he is always the first one to check on me if I have had a nightmare, how he is always there in the kitchen waiting for me and how this morning despite all of this, I found him in bed with another girl.

  “Have you told him how you feel about him?” she asks after I unload it all.

  “Did you not hear the part where he was in bed with another woman?” I ask.

  “Look, I’m no expert on men, but from what you told me, and from what I see when he comes in here, this boy is head over heels in love with you. I would guess he is using this other gal to get you off his mind.”

  I give her a pfft and cross my hands in front of my chest. As if! She smiles and then gets up, gives me a quick hug and gets busy with the customers. I wallow in my own thoughts. I even forget about meeting Jess. I just sit there all morning watching the world go past me, wishing I was far, far away. How can I confront Nathan about how I feel when I don’t even know what that looks like? My head is so confused with thoughts of wanting him, not feeling I can have him, and fear of messing up our relationship.

  At lunch time Beth walks past and drops a plate in front of me. “You better eat that,” she says. “It’s our new special and I need you fit and healthy so I can get you back in here to help.” Without a backward glance she heads back into the kitchen.

  I look at the food and my stomach grumbles. I realize I haven’t eaten since lunch time on the plane the previous day. I tuck into the warm lamb pie and eat it in about two seconds flat. Feeling more stable, I realize I have to face my problems and man up so I go into the kitchen with the empty plate, rinse it and shove it into the dishwasher. Then I go over to Beth, wrap my arms around her and place my head on her shoulder. “Thanks Beth. I don’t know what I would do without you and Sally,” I mumble into her hair.

  She pats me on the head awkwardly and then pushes me off so she can look me in the eye. “You’re practically family with the amount of time you spend with us. Family means sometimes we want to kick your ass but it also means when you’re hurting, well, then we want to kick whoever’s ass it is that is hurting you,” she tells me gruffly.

  Her words make me smile and suddenly I know that no matter what, I can get through crap if I have people around me who care about me. I hug her once more and then walk back out into the main area.

  Sally grabs my hand as I turn to walk out the door. “Hey Sam, go bust his balls,” she says. I laugh out loud and slowly make my way home.

  I get home around two p.m. and by this time the whole place is spotless. It’s as if last night never happened and for a second I actually pray it was all just another bad dream.

  I go into the living room where I see Mandy and Carrie watching some crap on TV.

  “Sam!” Mandy says, jumping up and throwing her arms around me. “Oh, my God, it’s so good to see you.”

  “Hey,” I reply. “Were you here last night? I didn’t see you,” I ask sitting down next to her.

  She looks away guiltily for a moment but then turns back to me. “Yeah I was. It got a bit crazy didn’t it? I ended up just going to bed,” she answers me with a smile.

  “Well, I don’t know about that,” I say with a laugh. “I went to bed too and just tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.”

  Carrie looks over at me with a frown. “You could have joined in you know.”

  “No offense, but those sorts of parties are so not my thing, but hey, this is your house.” I gesture to the both of them.

  Carrie looks annoyed but Mandy’s face drops. “No, you’re wrong, this is your place too! We should have asked you but we got back and we just thought we…”

  “I know I know,” I gripe back. “You needed to unwind!”

  They both look at me now. One set of eyes looks pissed, the other guilty. I take a deep breath and sigh. “Look it’s no big deal. It was just a party and you know what, I am actually glad to see you both. I’ve missed you guys!”

  Both girls relax and start to talk at the same time telling me about their Christmas as Ben walks in.

  “Say it, you missed my cooking, right?” he says, walking past me and ruffling my hair with a big grin.

  “Whatever,” I reply, rolling my eyes. Well actually, I did miss his food, even though my mom can cook, but no way am I going to tell him. His inflated ego alone would drive me nuts.

  He takes a seat and looks at me. “So, you…um…you okay?” he asks seriously.

  Both girls look at me curiously. There is no way I am confessing what I saw this morning to them. I look Ben dead in the eye and tell the best lie I have ever told. “I am fine.”

  His eyes look at me for a second longer and then he relaxes into a smile, either deciding that I really am fine or that he doesn’t want to pick at open scabs.

  “So…other than a crazy kick ass party, what have you guys been up to?” I ask them.

  This sets them off and they tell me further bits and pieces about their Christmas while I try and nod and pretend I am not thinking of Nathan.

  * * * *

  “So, are you ever going to talk to me again?” Nathan asks me Monday morning as I am rushing out to go to college.

  “Huh? What do you mean?” I ask shrugging like I have no idea that I haven’t spoken one word to him since the night before when he finally came downstairs and joined us.

  He’d tried to act as though all was fine between us and nothing had changed but I ignored him, moving away from him physically and mentally.

  “Sam,” he says, putting down his piece of toast and looking at me intently. “I really think we need to talk about last night.”

  Oh hell no! I smile, shrug my shoulders as if to say ‘whatever’, then in a last minute attempt to distract him, grab his toast off his plate and walk out. It feels good taking away what he wants for once and I hope it pisses him off at least half as much as his actions have been annoying me.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “I think I need to move out,” I blurt out to Doctor Sandy during my session the following week.

  “Why, what’s making you feel this way?” she asks me.

  “Well, really it’s all about ‘He who shall not be named’ scowling at me and constantly trying to get me to talk to him. It is kind of wearing me down,” I tell her, avoiding her gaze. She has a beautiful desk in the room which is a dark polished wood. I have never seen her sit near it and I wonder if it is just for show.

  “Samantha, have you told him how you feel?” she says, bringing my attention back to her.

  “Jesus, you sound like Sally! You haven’t been talking to her have you?” I ask.

  “You know our sessions are confidential. Why would I tell Sally?” she replies.

  I know I am just being stupid. “It’s just she said the same thing to me,” I mumble.

  “Hmm,” is all she says.

  “Yeah, so I know I probably should talk to him but what if he breaks my heart?”

  “What if he doesn’t?” she says back.

  I continue to stare at my hands. I notice my purple nail polish is all chipped and start imagining what shade of color I should buy next.

  Doctor Sandy takes a deep breath and says, “You haven’t spoken about the nightmares lately.”

  Surprised, I look up at her. “Now you mention it, I haven’t had one in a while! Why do you think that is?”

  “Sometimes when we face our problems head on, they stop scaring us when we let our defenses down, as in your case, when you are asleep,” she says. “This doesn’t mean this is over for you. You still have some things to work through, don’t you think?”

  I nod but her words do make
me feel lighter. In some ways I have started to face my problems and I am feeling a bit better. “You know,” I tell her, “I don’t think I will leave my house. If Nathan wants to play games, he can be the one to leave.”

  Doctor Sandy doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

  I slam the front door as I walk in, and shout, “Hi honey, I’m home.”

  This is the new me, bold and brave and no longer hiding away in the corner! I walk through to the living room pulling my bag off over my head as I walk in. When I am finally untangled from my bag I notice four sets of confused eyes looking up at me.

  “Who the hell are you and what have you done with Sam?” Carrie asks.

  “It’s me, but I am done moping!” I say, pushing Ben’s legs off the sofa and sitting down next to him.

  “Well, hell-a-loo-ya!” shouts Carrie, laughing at me.

  I join her but the others still look at me curiously. I can’t quite get my eyes to look over at Nathan. I may be playing brave but my heart still hurts when I picture him in bed with that girl.

  “So, Ben,” I ask, getting comfortable, “what’s for dinner?”

  “Um.” Ben clears his throat. “Actually we decided to let you loose again. You know, give you another shot at trying to cook a meal that won’t kill us.”

  What? Is he serious? “Great,” I say. “Let me go and check out what we have.” I get up but feel someone get up too. No, no, no! I finally have to look at him. “Nathan, I got this!” I say putting my hand up in front of him to stop him.

  “No offense, but the only reason I agreed to this was if I could ‘assist,” he says, smirking at me. “Besides, someone owes me some toast,” he whispers as he walks past. His warm breath in my ear makes my body tingle, damn, maybe stealing it off his plate was pretty stupid.

  I huff at him but he is already walking out into the kitchen. I remember we are surrounded by our roommates who eye us with even more curiosity. I hear Mandy giggle. I give her a glare and stalk out after Nathan.

  I ignore him standing against the counter in his usual black T-shirt and blue, faded jeans that sit on his body as if they have been molded to fit him. I open up the fridge to peer inside. I see a jar of tomatoes, some carrots, one measly onion and a whole container of milk. Shit! I have no idea what to do with that. I bang the fridge shut and pick up the phone. As I call the pizza delivery I hear Nathan laugh. Bastard.

  Eventually I have to put the phone down and face Nathan. He is still standing and still watching me.

  “Samantha, we haven’t really spoken since you came back. I miss you,” he says.

  “Nathan, you forget, we spoke the night of the party. I remember it clearly,” I reply.

  “Samantha, I do remember that too. It’s stuck in my brain,” he whispers back.

  “Yes, I can see it affected you very much, so much in fact that you jumped into bed with the nearest bimbo,” I hiss at him bitterly. I feel tears start to prick my eyes. I am frustrated by my own feelings and frustrated by his actions. What the hell does he actually want from me?

  “Fuck,” Nathan says, angrily shaking his head and then running his hand through his hair. “I am a dick. Don’t you think I know that Sam?” He tries to get right in my space.

  “No, Nathan. You owe me nothing. There is nothing between us. You were just drunk.” I push him back with my finger on his chest. I know my words hurt him by the way he looks at me but in some ways, even though I am lying, I want him to hurt.

  He grabs my hand and pulls it to his chest. I feel his heart beating and the heat coming through his shirt makes my knees start to feel weak.

  “There is not ‘nothing’ between us. We’re both just fucked up and scared but never say that this thing between us doesn’t exist.”

  I take my first real look into his eyes. They burn through my soul, but what I see more than that is the pain in them and it makes me afraid—afraid for him and afraid for me.

  “Why’d you do it, Nathan?” I finally whisper.

  “Because I don’t know how to be there for the people I love,” he says, simply, dropping my hand and stepping back. He looks broken. Something has finally snapped for him and I have no idea what it is.

  “Nathan, I don’t understand…” I try to bring that confident man back to me.

  He looks up at me with anger simmering in his eyes. “I tell you what Sam,” he says harshly, “when you are ready to share your story, I’ll tell my sad one. Okay?”

  I feel hurt and angry but suddenly I hear Sally and Doctor Sandy in my ear telling me to face my problems. I need to get this out once and for all. Nathan, at least, deserves to understand what is in my head.

  “I…I don’t know…I want… My family all d—died in a fire when my uncle wh—who I think abused me burnt down the h—house,” I finally blurt out. By now the tears are falling down my face and I can’t see him or anything around me anymore. “I am the broken one. I am the Humpty who can never be put back together again. I am alone,” I add angrily. I’m not sure who I am angry with, but saying that all aloud makes me fired up and ready to lash out.

  I turn away from him and stumble into my room, slamming the door behind me. I fall onto the bed and weep, angry hot tears of frustration, bitterness and fear. My feelings for Nathan are too intense, too much for my mind to handle in amongst all the shit going on in my head. I feel sick to my toes and I know Nathan will never look at me in the same way again. The last thing I want to see is pity.

  I don’t hear him open the door or enter the room but the bed dips and I suddenly feel his arms wrapped around me. I can’t help the way I react. I instantly turn to him and bury my face into his shirt. He says nothing as I hold onto him and I am grateful for his silence. He doesn’t ask stupid questions or try and make me feel better about anything. He just holds me. We sit together for what feels like ages until I have no tears left to cry.

  I finally pull myself out of his grasp and look up at him. “Now they are never going to want to put me in charge of dinner again,” I say.

  Nathan strokes my hair off my face. “Samantha, I think you are far more capable of succeeding than you think. I bet if you put your mind to it, you could make a three course dinner fit for a queen. I really want you to know how sorry I am that I hurt you.”

  I roll my eyes. I am still hurt by his actions but I see now Nathan isn’t as confident in himself as I thought. He has his own demons and I know I need to find out more if we are ever going to go further.

  “Tell me about this picture,” Nathan says, going to the only photo I have of myself and my brothers.

  I look at my special photo which is looking torn and faded. “Those were my baby brothers Alex and Fred. I don’t really remember much about them except for this feeling of intense responsibility.”

  He gently touches the photo paying particular attention to me as a young girl. “You were so small,” is all he says.

  I want to ask him about his own personal demons but the doorbell goes and I hear everyone scrabbling to get the pizza. Nathan stands up and pulls me towards the door. I stop him just before we go out and turn him to face me. “Just because we have to go out and eat, doesn’t mean you miss your turn to spill your guts. For the record, I think you are great at looking out for the people you care about,” I tell him as I open the door to head out.

  Nathan looks at me with awe. Hand in hand we head out to face the others and eat our pizza.

  A subtle shift occurs in our everyday lives. Every morning I wake up, Nathan is there ready to have breakfast with me and then walk me to class. After classes have ended, he is there again walking me to Sally’s where he sits, does his work in a corner and again waits for me to finish. The biggest change however is that Nathan no longer brings home endless women. This of course gets Sally and Beth all frothed up and every chance they get, they molest me in the kitchen asking questions about us, that I can’t answer.

  “So, you finally got him to confess his undying love?�
� Sally asks me as she walks past me making coffee.

  “Shh Sally!” I glance at Nathan, worried he has heard her. “We’re just good friends.”

  “You just keep telling yourself that,” she replies with a laugh as she walks into the kitchen. I glance back to Nathan knowing that once again I am blushing furiously. His eyes find mine just as I go to look away and I am frozen. His smile widens. I can only imagine what he must be thinking. Yeah, just good friends, yeah right!

  We walk home together, eat some dinner and then finally say good night. Each night it gets harder to watch him leave to go upstairs and I wish I was brave enough to take the next step. I’ve been home weeks now and not once have I had a bad dream. I start to believe I am finally getting over it but I know deep down, nothing is ever as simple as that.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “You stupid little bitch, you think I gave up my freedom to look after you with nothing but trouble in return?” His watery gray eyes look at me. I have been trying to cook but the stove is so high up and I have spilled the pot of water all over the floor.

  “I…I w—will p—pick it up!” I tell him, quickly grabbing a dish cloth and wiping the floor. The water is hot and it burns my hands but I know I can’t stop. Fear drives me.

  He turns to walk away and I start to breathe a sigh of relief but it is too soon. I feel a boot hit my side and pain explodes into my mouth.

  “Now, what the fuck are you going to make?” he screams at me.

  I am curled in a ball on the floor, my ribs pounding through my little body, the pain ripping through me with every breath I try to take. It hurts too much to talk so I close my eyes and wish this all away. Perhaps if I can’t see him, I’ll be invisible to him too.

  “I’m going out!” he says. I wait until I hear his heavy steps walk out the house and down the front steps.

  I lie still in a ball for another twenty minutes until I am sure he won’t come back, then I try and stand up. The pain shoots through me everywhere and I gasp for breath. I walk into the bathroom and lift my shirt. I see a nasty bruise seeping through my side. I may be six but I know this can’t be good. I gingerly walk back into my room, grab my school bag and put in some underwear, socks and my toothbrush. I know I need to find a doctor and may not be back for a while.