Dare to Breathe

by M. Homer

  Once I have everything I need, including my photo which I could never leave behind, I walk out the room, out of the door and out of the property, not once looking back. I walk and stumble, looking for any signs that a doctor may be nearby. I can hardly see through my tears and frustration but I keep going until I hear a siren behind me and I stop to find out what it is the police want from me.

  “Samantha, wake up!” I feel Nathan shake me. I wake up instantly with my heart beating wildly in my chest.

  I leap up and grab hold of him. “What if he comes back?” I scream at him.

  “Who? I won’t let anyone hurt you baby, I swear.” He rubs my back and pulls me towards him. I am grateful I don’t need to explain who I am talking about. Nathan seems to have internal access to my thoughts and this consoles as well as terrifies me.

  I relax into his arms feeling those familiar tears start to fall. I am sick of crying, sick of being scared and sick of not moving forward.

  “Help me forget…” I ask him looking up to him with hope and moving my mouth towards him.

  He hesitates for a second before I feel his firm, warm lips descend on mine. We kiss with a passion I have never felt before. This is even stronger than the stolen drunken kiss. My legs start to tremble as every part of me ignites.

  “Oh Sam,” he breathes into my mouth finally pulling me down with him onto the bed.

  I fall back gladly still kissing him passionately, refusing to stop. My hands get a life of their own and suddenly they are on his stomach feeling every muscle on his body through the shirt. It’s not enough, so I pull up his shirt. Nathan pulls in a deep breath as my hands touch his warm chest, skin to skin. I feel his muscles tense and hard underneath the shirt and I love it. Then before I can blink, he whips off his shirt and I see him, so clear in the moonlight. I drink in the sight for a moment and then I am pulled back towards his mouth which demands more of me.

  Both of us are breathing wildly by the time Nathan reluctantly pulls away from me. “We need to slow down,” he says, looking anything but happy about the idea.

  “Why?” I ask, still rubbing his arms, his chest, his face, anywhere I can feel him.

  He closes his eyes for a second and then opens then looking at me intently. “Because, we need to talk and right now, you are just upset.”

  “I don’t want to talk and I am not upset,” I sulk at him. I am upset, and do need to talk but damn it, I also want to forget!

  He pulls me back to him so I feel every inch of him pressed up tight against me including the bulge in his pants which is not well hidden by his boxer shorts.

  “Look, I want you, more than you could possibly know but I want more than a desperate ‘forget the world’ fuck. Somehow, pretty girl, you have gotten under my skin and I really don’t want to fuck up what is happening between us any more than I already have.”

  “Oh,” I reply, warmed and freaked out by his words.

  “You need to know something.” He pulls my head up so I am looking directly into his warm eyes. I see his whole body language change and recognize that for once, Nathan is going to open up about himself. “When we were kids, we all lived in the same neighborhood. Ben and I, even when we were little, were always like brothers, hanging out together, playing ball, climbing trees, whatever. Well, one day—when we were a little older—we met Mandy and Carrie and someone else…Kate.” He takes a deep breath and for a second, I think he is going to stop.

  “The girl in your picture?” I ask him.

  He looks at me curiously and I mentally slap myself.

  “You’ve been in my room?” he asks.

  I nod guiltily and I feel rather than see his smile.

  “Hmm, that’s pretty hot,” he says, a dreamy look coming into his eyes.

  “So, what happened? To Kate I mean.”

  His expression turns serious. “Well, after we met the girls for the first time, we would do stupid things like chase them and pull their hair, anything to get them to notice us.” He laughs. “We were twelve at the time and suddenly girls were more than just annoying to us, especially these girls, especially Kate. Before I knew it I was following her everywhere. I was like a little lovesick puppy, and those girls, well they just played along letting Ben and me hang out with them all the time. Those few years were awesome. We became good friends, all of us.

  Kate and I first kissed when we were fourteen. I told her I was going to marry her and we were going to live in a big house just like the one she saw on TV.”

  He rubs my back absently, deep in his own mind, but I can see the pain behind his eyes.

  I gently touch his face reminding him that I am here for him.

  He clears his throat, and then continues. “When we were seventeen, Kate started to change. It was like one second she was the girl we all knew and loved and the next she would fly into a fit of rage, destroying everything in her path. We began to fight and argue but then…then, she would come back into my arms crying, telling me she loved me, and telling me she was sorry.

  “Mandy, Carrie, Ben and I all tried talking to her, trying to figure out what the hell was happening to her, but none of us could. Her rages would fade after a while but worse than the rages would be the silence. She had dark moods that seemed to suck the energy out of her, leaving her like a shell.”

  Nathan looks down at me. I am totally focused on him, his pain is my own and even though I have no idea where this is headed, I want to erase the sad look in his eyes. I kiss him lightly on the lips, urging him to continue.

  For a second he kisses me back but then he stops and sighs. “I need to get this out,” he says gently.

  “Okay.”

  “They told us it wasn’t our fault. Depression is a sickness. I have been told that when someone decides to kill themselves, it is already too late. I found her Sam,” he says brokenly. “She was hanging with a rope around her neck from the attic. I still don’t know what pushed her over the top and every day I live with the guilt of not being there for her, for not being enough. I hate not knowing why she did it. I hate that every day I live with the guilt of wondering if it was me.”

  He finally stops talking and I realize I have been holding my breath.

  “You know it wasn’t your fault, right?” I see the pain in his face and I struggle to imagine what he saw, what he must have felt. I imagine him, grabbing her and trying to get her down. No person should ever have to see that and no person should ever have to get to a point so low in their life. Even in my darkest moments I have never felt like ending my life and I can’t even imagine what must have been in Kate’s head.

  “What I haven’t told you, is that before I found her like that, we had been together in the park with the others, messing about, being stupid as usual. We had a fight. I can’t even remember what it was about. All I know is that I finally lost it and told her we were over. I couldn’t handle her shit anymore. Those were the last words I ever spoke to her. I may not have put the rope around her neck, but I sure as hell put the final nail in her coffin.”

  I look him right in the eye. “She was depressed. Depression is a sickness. It does make you do crazy things. I am sure my therapist will tell you the same thing!”

  His hands come up and start rubbing my face gently each side. “I don’t deserve you. I am scared to hurt you more than you are already hurt.”

  “Then don’t,” I reply, dropping my elbows and kissing him hard. My hair falls down around us, cocooning us in a cover of security.

  Nathan pulls me on top of him and the kiss continues deepening as his tongue intoxicates me, consuming me. I feel him grow hard under me again and I buck my hips towards him, wanting more, needing more contact.

  “Jesus,” he moans into my mouth.

  He suddenly shifts his position, turning me over onto my back and suddenly he is on top of me. He gently maneuvers my legs apart with his body so I can feel him there hard between my legs. His boxers and my shorts hardly stop the skin to skin contact we so desperately crave.
r />   “I want you,” he says, breathing hard into my mouth.

  My heart stops at his words and I feel myself go light-headed. “Nathan, I…I haven’t had sex before, at least not consensual and I don’t know…” I tell him.

  He freezes and pulls his head up to look at me.

  “You want me to stop?” he asks, concern written all over his handsome face.

  “I don’t know…” I don’t know if this could lead to worse memories for me and I am scared. In fact, I am more than scared, I am terrified.

  Nathan closes his eyes for a second, as if trying to get his emotions in check, but then opens them looking at me tenderly. “You’re right. We need to sort through a lot of emotional baggage before we take this further.” He shifts so we lie side to side and wraps his arms around me. I relax my body into his, knowing I can trust this man and feeling a little of my fear dissipate. He kisses my forehead and then closes his eyes. “Just so you know, I am sleeping here now,” he says with a grin.

  I roll my eyes at him but of course he misses it seeing as his eyes are closed. I am thrilled. Nathan is in my bed, here because of wanting to be here rather than here because of my nightmares. It is a true head rush and I close my eyes, snuggling into him until finally, I fall asleep.

  The next morning I wake up to an empty bed and for a second, I wonder if it was all a dream. I get up, put on a tartan dress and warm tights and head into the kitchen where Ben is making scrambled eggs and toast.

  “Hey, can I have some of that too?” I ask, peering over his shoulder.

  He turns to look at me with a sly smile. “Well, someone is pretty cheerful this morning, considering you were as moody as shit last night.”

  “Yeah, well sometimes you just need the right person to kiss the ‘boo boo’s’ away,” I reply absently stealing a piece of toast and grabbing the butter.

  “The boo boos?” He smirks at me. “Is that what it’s called these days?”

  I start buttering the toast. As I do this Nathan walks in. He comes right up to me, pulls me into him and kisses my neck. “Morning beautiful,” he says.

  I drop my toast onto the plate and lean into him. Seeing his chance, he steps back, grabs the toast and starts eating it.

  “So, I guess this whole no touching—only friends—thing is finally over?” Ben asks raising his eyes at us and waving the spatula between us. He is smiling and I am glad he’s not giving us a hard time.

  I wonder what Nathan has been telling him.

  Nathan looks over at him and grins. “Yup,” is all he says.

  Mandy comes into the kitchen yawning. She takes one look at me and one look at Nathan who is still standing close to me and says, “Well, it’s about fucking time!” Hearing her swear is new to me but I am so overwhelmed by her words that I hardly notice.

  “Yup,” Nathan says again and wraps his arms around me, now that he has eaten all my toast.

  I look at Mandy wanting to say more but I know this girly talk will have to happen at another time.

  I glance upstairs and Mandy sees my eyes and recognizes my concern. “Carrie went early this morning. She had some test to do,” she tells me. I relax into Nathan, grateful for her words and even more grateful that Mandy has understood my silent question. I don’t quite understand why Carrie would be giving us a hard time but I am thrilled that these other two seem genuinely happy for us.

  “I told Sam about Kate,” Nathan tells Mandy and Ben. “Sam is still willing to give ‘us’ a go so I hope you guys can give us some time and space to work our shit out.”

  Ben slaps Nathan on the back and walks out smirking. “Sure bro, whatever.”

  I raise my eyes to see Nathan’s reaction but he is just smiling. I guess it must be a guy thing.

  “I’ll walk with you today,” Mandy says, hopping up and grabbing my hand before Nathan can claim me.

  Nathan raises his eyes at me but I just shrug. I figure Mandy has something she wants to discuss. I have enough time to grab my bag and give Nathan a dreamy kiss before I am hauled right out the door.

  Kissing Nathan openly still feels surreal to me but I relish every moment.

  As we walk away Mandy starts laughing. “I can’t tell you how glad I am Nathan opened up to you! He has been driving me insane moping about you, wanting to get closer to you. He has been nuts and to top it all off, not telling you about Kate has been killing me.”

  She stops walking and grabs my hand. “I really did want to tell you but both Nathan and Carrie told me to back off.”

  Again I am floored by her words. I had no idea Nathan has been talking about me to his friends and I wonder what else I may have missed.

  “What is the deal with Carrie? Why is she so uptight about Nathan and me?” I have to ask.

  Mandy looks away and gathers her thoughts. “Carrie really loved Kate. They were closer even than sisters. I remember one night when Carrie got really drunk and it was just the two of us. Nathan and Kate had gone out. She told me she loved Kate but worse than that, she had really strong feelings for Nathan. I guess the guilt of all of that nearly broke her in half, when Kate killed herself.”

  I am shocked. Seriously? Carrie liked Nathan? No wonder she wanted me to back off. “Um, did she, you know, ever try anything after….” I ask.

  “Are you kidding me? Carrie feels almost as much guilt as Nathan. She thinks that because of her feelings, Kate may have been paranoid about Nathan. I guess all those repressed feelings have to be getting Carrie down.”

  “Why does she stay here, with Nathan, if it is killing her?” I ask.

  “Because we are all she has ever known. We are all she has left. Carrie may be hard on the outside but inside, she is softer than all of us,” Mandy replies. “Come on, let’s go or we’ll be late.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I am excited to get home and see Nathan. It’s been a long day and with his study schedule getting tougher as he nears the end of his second year, I have to walk alone. I miss his company and walk home quickly.

  When I get home, I see a light on in the kitchen. I walk in and see Carrie sitting with a large drink in her hands. Carrie’s normally sunny face looks dark. She has dark rings around her eyes and her short hair lies limply around her face. My heart breaks for her, sitting there looking so sad.

  Approaching her with caution and with Mandy’s voice still fresh in my ears, I try and engage her in conversation. “Hey Carrie, how are you?”

  She looks at me with slightly red eyes and I guess she has been crying. “So, Mandy tells me that you and Nathan—” She can’t go on but just looks at me with mournful eyes. I am unsure what to say or how to carry this conversation on but I know seeing her pain that I need to tread carefully.

  I take a deep breath. “Yeah, I care deeply about him. I never meant for it to happen but it has.”

  She laughs without humor. “Yup, Nathan sure has that ability to lure women.”

  “I do really think he cares for me. I don’t think I am another notch in his bed,” I say, slightly stung by her words.

  Carrie gets up off the stool. “Well, when the shit hits the fan— and it will—don’t come crying to me. I’ve been there, done that, and I’ll be fucked if you think I’m getting into that again!” She goes upstairs into her room.

  Although it hurts, I make a decision not to let her affect me. I hope she will relax around us. Well, she has to or else things could get really uncomfortable.

  Nathan and I spend the next month enjoying, discovering, and learning about each other. He finds my tiny mole on my back after a particularly heated make-out session where I somehow lost my shirt and ended up on my front with him kissing every inch of my back.

  I discover Nathan is extremely sensitive by his neck. Every time my lips linger near that area, for even a small amount of time, he has to leave the room to take a cold shower.

  He spends every night in my bed and I learn that with him there, the nightmares stay away. He still goes slowly with me, knowing and underst
anding that I am not ready for sex, even though my body screams at me to shut up.

  One beautiful spring afternoon, I come home and discover my bed lying out in the front lawn. What the hell?

  I run inside only to find Nathan in my room with a brand new double bed which he has jammed into the tiny space.

  “I told you that you would need a bigger bed if I was to sleep with you,” he says with a cheeky grin. “You want to test it out?” With that, he grabs me by the waist and we both fall in a heap on the middle of the bed. I can’t say a word before his lips find mine and he kisses me with so much passion I forget to breathe.

  Luckily we are disturbed by a banging on the door.

  “Hey, you two know there is a bed out on the lawn, right?” we hear Ben yell at us.

  Nathan sighs, leans up over me and kisses my forehead. “Okay, pretty girl, I better go get rid of it before Ben has a hissy fit.”

  When he has gone, I realize I haven’t even had a chance to say thank you. I lie in the bed a second longer, thinking of Nathan with a massive, stupid grin on my face and at that moment, I know I have it bad.

  When Nathan returns a short while later, he jumps into the bed pulling me close. I laugh at his enthusiasm. “We could just move everything to your room upstairs, you know. It is a bigger space,” I tell him.

  Nathan looks at me with a gentle smile. “When you’re sure the nightmares are gone, then maybe we can do that but for now, well I think, I like our space away from the others.”

  His words remind me I am still in a vulnerable position mentally and drawing more people into my mess is not a good idea. I feel guilty that my sleep patterns are messing with our lives and I look over at him with guilt.

  “Hey, stop that!” he says, lifting my chin and kissing me deeply. So I do.

  “Um…so, Easter is coming up and my olds want me to visit them,” I tell Nathan later that night as we are curled up together in bed.