Dare to Breathe

by M. Homer

  “Honey, come and sit down, we need to talk to Sam before she goes back,” he says.

  I watch as her body stiffens and I automatically reach for Nathan’s hand sensing that I need some support.

  She turns off the stove and comes to sit down with a pile of pancakes. I notice that no one reaches for one.

  My dad looks over at me with solemn eyes and grabs my free hand which is clutching the edge of the table.

  “We had a call the other day. Dean, your uncle Dean,” he clarifies. As if I can forget. “He’s being released from prison next month.”

  My heart stops and I find myself pulling away from them all.

  “Fuck,” I hear Nathan breathe out.

  No, this can’t be real. I put my hands on my head and lean forward onto my knees taking big, gasping breaths.

  “Sam, calm down, just breathe slowly.” I hear Nathan at my side and feel him rubbing some life back into my soul.

  I look up at them angrily. “Why? Why are they letting him out?”

  My mom scrapes her chair back. She sits on her haunches right in front of me at eye level and takes hold of both of my icy hands. “He has served his sentence for the drug charges.”

  “What about what he did to me?” I shout at her. Mom looks at me in shock and I realize that they didn’t know, not for certain anyway.

  “I didn’t…we thought, but weren’t…” is all she can say.

  “Mom, he abused me, I have started to remember it all. My therapist has helped me gain some perspective on it, but it still hurts,” I tell her, tears pooling in my eyes. “What if he hurts other people, Mom? How could they let him go?”

  “So, you want us to get a lawyer? We can get the courts to look at this again,” my dad tries to reassure me, looking as grief-stricken as my mom.

  I look over at him and see the old man he has become. I doubt he could survive a trial that would be virtually impossible to prove.

  I shake my head no, defeated. I can’t put them through that.

  My mom pulls my head over to her so that all I can see is her face and all I can feel is Nathan rubbing my back gently.

  “I know this hurts and it hurts us too baby but if you choose not to take this to court, well then, you have got to let it go. You have Nathan and a bright new life ahead of you. This torture you put yourself through–let it go honey.”

  I look deeply into her eyes and feel my heart start to slow down. I trust her, this small, frail woman who has loved me and cared for me. I give her a small nod and then look down. I feel her squeeze my hands and then lean back allowing Nathan to pull me into his arms. I break down with massive sobs when I feel his body comfort me. He whispers into my ear as I cry. He says the words he always says—every night after I have a nightmare and my body starts to calm.

  I hear more than see my parents leave us alone and I understand now the reason they were so pushy about Nathan coming with me. They wanted his support when they broke this to me. They needed him to make sure I would survive this, even if they never knew the specifics they must have been suspicious when I was brought to them battered and bruised.

  I think how unfair this all is, just when I thought I was getting my life on track. Just when I thought I could be a happy normal person, the world comes rushing up to trap me.

  Nathan starts to kiss the top of my head as I place my face into his warm chest. “Shh, I’m here. I won’t let that fucker hurt you.”

  I know he means it too. After what happened with Kate, Nathan will never let me fall.

  We sit like this for hours, my parents leaving us to find comfort in each other, while I get myself together and not once does Nathan moan or complain.

  Eventually I rub my eyes and sit up. “I think I love you,” I tell him.

  He gives me a sweet smile and pulls me once again towards him. “I’ve loved you for a long time pretty girl,” he says.

  My heart blooms and I realize that even in times of great darkness you can find light and I am grateful to have found mine.

  That night we don’t even pretend to sleep apart and nor do my parents stop us. I have the most vivid nightmare that night. This time it’s no longer a six-year-old me running or hiding from my uncle but an eighteen-year-old me, terrified of losing her life. I wake up with tears running down my face and Nathan holding me tightly. With clarity I know we are in for a rough ride and I know I need to go and see Doctor Sandy as soon as I get back.

  * * * *

  “So, Doctor Sandy, what do I do now?” I ask her that following week when I get back to college.

  “Samantha, you need to continue to live your life,” she says simply.

  Hmm, that easy?

  “He’s out there again! Somewhere…”

  “Every day we are faced with choices. What are we going to wear? How do we feel? What are we going to learn? Are we going to be happy today? We make those decisions ourselves. Others don’t make those for us,” she replies looking at me evenly. “You have the chance here to choose to live your life despite this man who has threatened it.”

  I look at her skeptically. “Is it really that simple?”

  “No, it’s not simple but with support, you can fight though this and become a stronger, better person.”

  I realize our hour is already over. I stand up, grab my bag and mumble a ‘thanks’ to her knowing I’ll be back in a week.

  Nathan is waiting for me outside. Ever since he heard that Dean was out, he has been at my side, not letting me go anywhere alone.

  “Hey babe, how did it go?” he asks, grabbing my bag from me and leaning in to kiss me firmly on my lips.

  I lean into him and hold him tightly, not saying anything. My need to draw on his strength scares me sometimes. He is my rock, my constant and the thought of perhaps him one day not being there is scary. “Come on, let’s go home,” is all I reply.

  Together we walk home talking about our day and any other normal thing that has occurred for us. I know I should speak to him about letting me walk around by myself as I know he has things to do as well and can’t be with me twenty-four hours a day, but right now I can’t bear the thought of being alone. Ever since the news that he is out there, I have been skittish and worried, constantly looking over my shoulder. I know this is a burden on the people I love but I am terrified.

  “Nathan, Samantha, you have got to try this!” Ben shouts out to us when we get home.

  Living with Ben is like having our own personal Jamie Oliver. This is his last year at college and I have no idea what we will eat when he is gone at the end of the summer. We head into the kitchen where Carrie, Mandy and Ben are all sitting sharing a bowl of soup together. Carrie doesn’t even lift her head to look at us. She is still as closed off as she was when she first found out about the two of us. I know we need to deal with this sooner rather than later because it’s just not fair on any of us to continue to live with this tension. It makes me sad seeing her sitting there ignoring us. I miss her wit and sarcasm and her endless enthusiasm.

  Mandy, sitting next to Carrie, looks up and gives us her beautiful smile. “This is awesome!” she says between mouthfuls. “You really need to try some with the sour cream.”

  Nathan gives me a quick kiss. He nudges Carrie to the side and with a wink at Mandy, steals Carrie’s bowl of soup.

  “Hey!” she shouts at him, smacking his shoulder.

  I almost see the old Carrie in her eyes.

  “Hmm Ben, this does taste good,” Nathan says, dodging her attempts to grab it and continuing to slurp every spoonful.

  Carrie, being so short, has no chance of reaching it from him. “Damn it Nathan, you are a bastard!” she yells at him stomping her foot like a two-year-old. We all laugh at the scene and it suddenly feels like old times.

  I decide to try my luck and join in with the banter.

  “You know Carrie, you should have just told him how you spit in it to cool it down.” I grab a clean bowl and fill it up.

  Nathan stops mid swallow and lo
oks at the bowl suspiciously. “She wouldn’t have done that?”

  “Have you never seen her eat soup before?” I ask, continuing to ladle the soup into my bowl and adding a tablespoon of cream to it.

  Carrie looks at him with a triumphant smile, clearly siding with me. “Yup, my old mamma told me it works well every time, especially when you have a big family that feels like stealing your food all the time.”

  “Eurgh,” Nathan replies handing the bowl back to her quickly in mock horror.

  We all laugh once again as we settle in to eat in comfortable silence. I hope with all my heart that this is the start to our recovery as friends.

  That night, as we lie in bed together Nathan begins to stroke my arms absentmindedly. I know his thoughts are elsewhere by the look on his face.

  “When Kate died, I thought my life was over, that I would never feel for anyone ever again. I thought you get one chance of getting it right, one shot at love. I thought I loved her Sam but now, being here with you, feeling your heartbeat, living with you and just feeling like everything we do fits, makes me realize that I never loved her the way I should have…Maybe she knew?” He trails off, looking sad.

  I gently grasp his face and make him look me in the eyes. My heart beats rapidly at his beautiful words of love for me.

  “I am crazy in love with you,” is all I can say to him.

  I want him to stop hurting and I hope my words will bring him back to the present, back to me.

  His eyes darken with love, with lust. I don’t know what it is for certain but I do know my body responds to that look and I lean close and kiss him fiercely, wanting what I know his body can deliver. I rip my clothes off and lie completely naked on the bed as Nathan’s gaze leaves mine for a second and roams over my body.

  “Fuck,” he growls at me.

  I arch my hips towards him, wanting to feel him, wanting him in me, closer.

  “What have you turned me into?” I smile at him.

  “Hmm, I don’t know, but I love it,” he says with a sly smile, pulling me on top of him.

  “You. Have. Too. Many. Clothes. On,” I try telling him between kisses.

  Nathan doesn’t even break the kiss; he just pulls his top off over his head by the back of his neck and kicks off his own boxers in one move.

  “Smooth.” I smile at him. I feel his erection pressing onto my body, the heat seeping through my skin, into my soul. He rolls me on top of him so my breasts are pressed into his hard chest. I haven’t been on top before with him naked and it feels empowering.

  “Hmm, what can I do with you now that I’m in control?” I ask him, biting his ear lobe.

  I hear his breathing catch and I know he is struggling for control. It warms my body to feel him react to me the way that he does and I feel myself go damp.

  “What about I kiss you here?” I ask, creeping down towards his chest, kissing first one nipple, then the other. “Or maybe here?” I suggest, creeping lower towards his belly button. “Hmm or even maybe here?” I say, going lower.

  “Samantha,” he growls, “please baby…”

  I look up at him questioningly but his eyes are shut tight as if he is in pain. I feel his penis between my breasts now and I lift myself up and gently cup him in my hands.

  “Oh God,” I hear him mumble.

  I have an urge to taste him, to send him over the top, so I do. Nathan starts to moan and the sounds he makes warm me everywhere. I suck and pull at him feeling his hands in my hair urging me to go deeper, faster. Suddenly he pulls me up.

  “Stop or it will be over too soon,” he gasps, kissing me fervently on the lips.

  I am pulled over onto my back and I hear him reach for the foil packet beside the bed. He slips on a condom and I feel him enter me slowly, exquisitely. My body responds immediately, bucking up to meet him, thrust for thrust. Nathan’s eyes glaze over but before I can see anything else, his mouth finds mine. He kisses me deeply, matching each thrust with his tongue. He slides one hand down and begins to rub over my clit. The combination of his kisses, his touch and his body in mine, sends me spiraling over and I cry out his name as I find release. Nathan joins me soon after, kissing me deeply as he does so. We lie tangled together as our bodies calm down, enjoying the closeness you can only feel with someone you love deeply.

  We drift off asleep naked but warm in each other’s embrace. That night, for a change, I don’t wake up and I don’t dream of anything that can harm me.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  “You know, you are going to have to start letting me out by myself or hire a bodyguard for me,” I joke with Nathan as he hurriedly walks me to the campus a few days later.

  He is in a rush as his exams start today. I feel bad that we are in this situation and I know I need to give him some space to do what he needs to do, too. I know I have to put on a brave face or Nathan will never let me go out alone.

  Nathan looks over to me with a distracted smile. “I can do this. I told you I would look out for you.”

  I stop walking and grab his arm. “Nathan, stop. Seriously, I’ll be safe. I’ll make sure I am around people and maybe this afternoon I’ll even go out and buy some of that spray stuff for my bag. I need to stop being scared all the time. If I don’t, he wins. He takes away any possibility I have of living my life.” I am suddenly proud of my words. I know I am slowly beating down the demons in my own head.

  Nathan looks at me with a loving smile. “Maybe you’re right but before I leave you alone, let’s go and get you that pepper spray, okay? That’s a great idea,” he says, kissing the top of my head and then pulling me along to my next class.

  I am relieved by his words. I don’t want him worn down by my insecurities, thinking I am as troubled as Kate. I want him to love me, rather than baby-sit me out of some moral obligation. I give him a smile as we continue walking towards my first class, hand in hand.

  “So, you and lover boy seem pretty happy.” Sally nudges me as I am making a latte macchiato later that afternoon in the busy café.

  I look over at Nathan who is trying to study. He has his hands in his hair as he looks down at the books spread out on the table in front of him.“Yup, but he really needs to be doing that at home,” I tell her.

  “Why is he here then? Is he a bit overprotective or something?” she asks me, looking at him curiously.

  “Well, it’s more the ‘or something.’ I guess when you come from a background as messed up as mine, sometimes demons follow you and Nathan is afraid that if he isn’t around, they will show up,” I reply honestly.

  Sally turns to look at me, noting my serious tone. “Do you need to talk about it?”

  I shake my head, not because I can’t tell her but because I know I need to let it go and move on. Dean is not here. He has no idea where I am or who I am now and I know he will have his own demons and problems to face, out in the big wide world. I hope they find him and torture him as much as he has tortured me.

  Sally gives my shoulder a squeeze and carries on working. “Honey, if you ever need to talk you just give me a holler,’ she says over her shoulder.

  The café fills with people coming in and out, all wanting various coffees as they pull all-nighters cramming for the upcoming exams. During the evening I pass Nathan’s table where he is deeply absorbed in his work. I gently kiss the top of his head. He looks up blinking, as if he is coming out of a trance.

  “If you need to go home I can grab a lift with Sally and Beth,” I suggest, seeing how tired he looks.

  Nathan shifts in his seat and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a second. Then he puts his hands on the table and looks up at me. “I can wait, I want to wait. We never got you that pepper spray. Let’s go first thing in the morning and then talk about what to do afterwards, okay?”

  I nod and walk away but I feel bad. I see the tension in his shoulders and how physically tired he is. I know my now infrequent restless sleeps aren’t helping him either, even if I did have a peaceful night last ni
ght. I feel I am becoming a burden for him and the last thing I want is for his sense of protectiveness to overcome his true feelings for me.

  That night we walk home together enjoying the mild weather. I hear Nathan yawn deeply and know I have to discuss this further before I lose him.

  “Maybe you should sleep upstairs tonight,” I suggest.

  “What? Why?”

  “Nathan, you look exhausted and between being my sleeping angel and my bodyguard, I think I am wearing you out!”

  I feel the anger leave his body as he puts his arm around my shoulders and draws me close. “There is nowhere I would rather be than right here with you, right now.”

  “About your studies…!’ I say, finally looking up at him.

  “I can do this,” he says simply, smiling thinly at me with his warm tired eyes.

  I am not convinced by his words. “Promise me Nathan; promise me that if it gets too much, you will take a break. Promise me!”

  He nods. “Okay, but I doubt it will ever come to that.” He pulls me in for a kiss and I try and relax my mind as I am swept away by his warm lips.

  The weeks pass by in much the same way. By now it is nearing the end of the semester and the weather is warming up ready for the long summer. I know Nathan has just scraped through his exams and feel guilty for the low marks.

  Nathan did go out and buy the pepper spray but even this wasn’t enough for him to relax and let me go out alone and to be honest, I never insisted.

  I decide after a long discussion with my parents, to stay here and continue working at the café with Sally and Beth who need my help over the summer. I know my parents want to see me but I need the money. They are busy with their charity work and life at home. Nathan decides to stay as well but he needs to go home for a few weeks. He isn’t as close to his family as I am to mine but his older sister is getting married. He invites me to join them but since I haven’t met them it seems a little unfair crashing such a major event in his family’s life. Every chance he gets he moans that I won’t go with him but I know he needs to see them by himself. More importantly, that he needs some rest from me too.