Dare to Breathe

by M. Homer

  Despite him promising to tell me if I am a burden, I see he is mentally and physically tired and the change in him makes me feel undeniably sad.

  Me, I’ve done this. I want to make this amazing, loving, strong boy happy and all my problems are doing is making him tense. I understand this need to protect has something to do with his warped sense of failure with Kate. Despite this, I just don’t have the strength in me to make him stop and just be my boyfriend.

  I know this makes me weak, and I hate myself for it but the only way I can make him stop is by forcing him to take a break.

  Mandy, Carrie and Ben leave the second their classes finish. They decide to spend the whole summer on a road trip as they know that after the summer, Ben will start working in the real world. They beg Nathan and me to come but I can’t afford it and Nathan won’t go without me.

  It’s another reason for me to feel guilty but I bury it underneath all the other remorse.

  We have two blissful weeks in the house all by ourselves. We use the opportunity to shower together every day, for twenty long beautiful minutes a shower. We lie in the living room together watching whatever we feel like watching and not having to share the remote with anyone else. We get take-out most nights even though Ben has left me some frozen dinners in fear that I would burn the house down if I cooked from scratch! I glimpse a possible future with Nathan in which we grow old together in a beautiful home and my heart constricts, wishing it to be true.

  The day comes for Nathan to leave. I help him pack his bag. I know if I shed one tear, Nathan won’t go.

  “So, are you going to miss me?” I ask him in a pretend whiney voice, trying to ease the tension.

  Nathan looks at me and my heart crumbles. He looks so serious. Not a smile, grin or even vague look of amusement lights up his face. His day-old stubble makes him look older and more rugged and his beautiful brown eyes look tired. “You know I will,” he says.

  Don’t go! “You’ll have a great time,” I say out loud. “After all it’s not every day you get to see your sister getting married.”

  I feel a pang of envy about him spending time with a family I have never met. We have already discussed that the next term break I will go with him and meet them but I sort of regret not having met them already. I lean over and kiss him hard so he can’t say anything back. As I pull away I feel his arms come around me drawing me closer to him. His kiss deepens and my breath catches in my throat. Even a few months into this relationship and this man still has the ability to stop all rational thought with one little kiss. I hope that the passion between us always remains.

  I throw my arms around his shoulders and wrap my legs around his waist. I need to feel him as close to me as possible. I want nothing between us right now.

  Nathan feels my urgency and carries me over to the bed. We find ourselves naked and entwined without breaking the kiss even once.

  Chapter Thirty

  I don’t know how I manage it but I let him go. He holds me tightly at the airport check in and makes me promise to keep myself safe. I mumble something back but my mind is so focused on not breaking down that I can’t remember what I have said.

  “It’s just a couple of weeks, you could still come with me,” he whispers into my ear.

  Yes! My mind shouts at me, just go with him.

  Instead I lean up on my toes and kiss him gently. “You look after yourself and call me every night, okay? Have a great wedding,” I whisper back.

  Nathan nods once and kisses me. We hear the announcement for his plane and before either one of us breaks down, he leaves.

  I spend the first week locked in the house unless I am forced to go to work. I know my sullenness is getting to Sally and Beth but instead of getting annoyed, they both rally round me making sure I am kept busy. At home I eat the frozen dinners made by Ben and live each day to speak to Nathan. I know this is an unhealthy obsession. As the week progresses, I can hear the old happy Nathan, my old happy Nathan, coming through and I know he must be getting some sleep and time to unwind. This makes me happy but also sad that I have been the cause of his problems. The changes in him makes this glaringly obvious. It also makes me sad and scared that the longer I am away from him the more depressed I feel but the more he is away from me, the better he feels.

  “I don’t know what to do,” I tell Doctor Sandy, sitting down for my weekly session.

  “About what, Samantha?”

  “About Nathan. He is so unhappy when he is with me, constantly afraid to leave me alone but now,” I stop and take a breath, “now, I can hear the freedom in his voice.”

  “Why do you feel responsible for his behavior?” she asks me.

  I watch her shift in her seat and tuck her blue skirt under her thigh. I notice her matching blue suit jacket over the back of the chair and the usual pumps. She is really quite an attractive woman and for a moment I wonder about her life. She knows so much about me and yet I know nothing about her at all.

  “Doctor Sandy, do you have children?” I ask her suddenly. I see the surprise in her face so I continue, “It’s just that you know everything about me and I know nothing about you.”

  “You are my client. I am paid to listen to you but for the record, yes I have two children,” she tells me.

  I nod; glad that she has shared a small part of herself with me but know I can’t push any further. It is strange to me how you can form relationships with people in all sorts of different ways. I think of what I have with Nathan, my parents and Sally and Beth and then the relationship I have with her. All these people are important to me but in so many different ways. I blink back to considering her question. “I guess I feel responsible because I have drawn on Nathan’s deep need to look after someone,” I reply. I tell her about Nathan and Kate and the obvious guilt he still carries for her death.

  Doctor Sandy looks at me but doesn’t say anything.

  “I think I am unhealthy for him,” I finally whisper. “I am not helping him to get over Kate.” I feel tears threaten to fall and I reach over and grab the tissues in the corner.

  “You have come a long way. You should feel proud of yourself,” she answers back. I am surprised by her words so I look up and see her smiling. “It’s true! When you first came here you had so many questions and yet now, you have found the answer to those questions yourself and found solutions to them. Nathan may need to find his own solutions. It’s not your job to do it for him.”

  “What about the way I rely on him?” I ask.

  “Well, what do you think?”

  “I think I may need to break it off with him so he can get a chance to do what he needs to do rather than just focus on me,” I reply with another sob.

  He calls that night at seven and although I have spent all day preparing ‘the talk’, when I answer the phone, I still stumble on my words. His voice is like a warm, soothing balm and I hate what I am about to do to him, to us!

  “Hi pretty girl, how was your day?” I hear him saying. Voices and music are in the background and I wonder if he is out somewhere.

  “It was okay,” is all can muster with a flat tone.

  I note a brief pause as he hears the anxiety in my voice and all the humor leaves his as he speaks. “What’s wrong?” I hear him getting up and moving to a quieter area.

  “I can’t do this anymore.” I break down sobbing. I am mad at myself for doing this over the phone. It just makes me weak but I also know that if he was here, I would never be able to do this.

  “Sam, baby please…” he starts saying with panic and confusion in his voice.

  “No, I hear how happy you sound, how relaxed and Nathan, you haven’t been like that with me for a long time.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “If you keep trying to look after me, then everything you have been working so hard to accomplish since you lost Kate is going to fade away. I can’t let you do that, not anymore. It’s over,” I cry.

  “Bullshit! That’s just bullshit,” h
e shouts back. Hearing him get so upset almost breaks me in half but I know I need to keep going.

  “Enjoy your last week with your family but I just need you to think about it, okay? You know you are happier now than when you were here and I don’t blame you. We’ll talk when you get back,” I say finally and then hang up sobbing. I know I have hurt him badly but I hope in time he will understand why. The phone rings back almost instantly but I quickly shut it off. I crawl into my room and pull the covers over my head. I can still feel Nathan in my room and it breaks my heart even further.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Saturday night comes round and I have still kept my phone off. I know there will be hundreds of messages from Nathan which I can’t bear at the moment. I am fed up with hiding, fed up with being scared and being alone. I decide on impulse to turn on my phone and see if Jess is around.

  I notice ten missed calls and as many text messages all from Nathan. Oh, shit!

  My hand hovers over the voicemail button but I know I can’t face his words yet. I decide to ignore them all and call Jess instead who answers on the third ring.

  “Hey Samantha!” I hear her yell into the phone. I can tell she is in a noisy club somewhere.

  “Hi Jess, are you still around in town?” I shout back.

  “Yeah, I’m at Joe’s tonight. I just got here with some friends,” she replies. “Hey, what are you doing? You want to hang out with us tonight? The club is heaving.”

  I consider her question and then realize that actually a night out in a noisy club where I won’t be able to think is probably just what I need. “Yeah, actually I do. How long are you going to be there?” I ask.

  “We just got here, so we’ll be here awhile. Text me when you get here and I’ll come and meet you,” she says back.

  I hang up, turn off my phone and grab a pair of my favorite faded jeans, a reasonably pretty navy top and brush out my hair before tying it into two braids which hang down my back. I put on a bit of make-up and then some heels and head out ten minutes later.

  When I get to the club I find it packed with people. I look for Jess but can’t find her amongst the throng of people. I grab my phone and text her but hear nothing back. As my eyes scan the crowd I imagine seeing a face that sets my heart pumping. No it can’t be! I glance back, but he is gone.

  I must have imagined it, I think, forcing my body to calm down. It’s been a long time since I saw him. It must just be a coincidence and the result of an overactive mind.

  I decide however that I have to leave and turn to go straight out. This was a mistake. As I start walking I hear a loud call, “Hey, there you are!”

  I turn back and see Jess marching towards me. Tonight she has on a little red dress that shows off every curve in her body. Her blonde hair is tied in a messy bun on her head and as she comes toward me I can see every male eyeing her appreciatively.

  “You okay?” she asks once she has hugged me hello. “You look as if you have seen a ghost!”

  “No, I’m fine. I just thought I saw someone from my past but that’s impossible, he doesn’t even live here,” I reply, glancing back in the direction where I thought I saw him.

  Jess looks at me curiously but doesn’t say another word. Instead she grabs me and pulls me towards her friends.

  I decide I am going to shelve all my issues and worries for the rest of the night and just let myself go, and I do! We spend the night laughing, drinking beer and dancing. For a short while, I feel myself forgetting everything, and it feels great! I just enjoy the night and the people around me. No one bothers me or tries hitting on me and for this I am grateful as it means I can relax. The friends with Jess are a great group of people who actually make me feel really welcome and so I just kick back and enjoy myself for once.

  By the time it gets to midnight I feel myself start to wilt. I have been sleeping badly without Nathan there to soothe me and the late nights have caught up with me. I go over to find Jess to see how she is getting home but when I find her, I see her wrapped around a male in the corner of the bar and decide to leave her alone. I curse myself for not having had this discussion with her sooner but rather than sulk around, I get my phone out and turn it on to call a cab.

  I try and dial the number but in the noise of the club, know I need to do this outside. I weave myself out of the heavy throng of people and find a quiet spot outside.

  The cool air hits my body and brings some relief from the intense heat inside. I know I should probably go back inside as it is too quiet, but the fresh air and the knowledge that someone may steal my taxi if I’m not waiting stops me. Instead, I sit on the steps, call the cab and then wait. With the music thumping inside, I relax, feeling the cool breeze kissing my neck. It surprises me that no one else is outside but I figure people will only start leaving at around two.

  My phone rings, breaking me out of my thoughts. I curse myself for not switching it off again. I look down and know who it is, before even seeing the name on the screen.

  “Where the fuck are you?” Nathan’s voice greets me angrily when I answer.

  “Nathan,” I breathe stalling for time to gather my thoughts at the sound of his voice. “I’m out with Jess. Where are you?”

  Before he can answer someone rips my phone out of my hands and throws it down an alley. I look up into the sweaty dark face of my nightmares. I scream loudly. I feel a fist hit my face and then I feel no more as the dark world embraces me. Oh no…

  When I come to, I know I am in a cellar. The temperature has dropped and the drip, drip, drip, of the laundry tap wakes me up. I try and sit up but my hands and feet are bound behind me so all I can do is roll around the floor helplessly like a landed fish. I scan the room looking for my uncle, but see I am alone. The room has one, bare bulb shining a harsh light. I see to the left a set of stairs. I hear footsteps above me and I close my eyes, willing this all to be a bad dream. My head pounds from where I was hit and my eye feels swollen. In fact I hurt all over and I can only imagine the worst.

  I close my eyes as my subconscious takes over and I pass out.

  When I open my eyes, I am still stuck here, in my own waking nightmare. Where the hell am I? Still in Rainbow Springs? I tug and pull on the cords that bind me but nothing gives way.

  “Shit!” I feel my body start to go into shut down.

  “No!” I shout out. I won’t black out. I need to get out of this. I think of Nathan. I was talking to him when the phone was taken and I pray he called the police. I hope he heard me scream and got me some help. Then I realize what he must have thought when he heard me and this time I can’t control the tears. If something happens to me, it will destroy him. He will feel as helpless as when Kate died. I can’t let that happen, not to him, not to me!

  The footsteps above get louder and I hear the door above open. Feet come down the stairs and I will my heart to slow down. I see him as he walks confidently down each step.

  “Fantastic! You woke up!” he says eagerly. I see prison has been hard on him. His once flabby body is harder and thinner. His face is lined and marked with scars I don’t remember from the past. His hair is shaved and he has an intricate deadly snake tattooed on his scalp.

  He notices me looking at the snake and leans down.

  “This is my new proud addition I got the day I got out. You like it? It’s a python,” he says, rubbing his hand on his scalp and licking his lips as his eyes burn through me.

  I feel myself gag and fight to control myself.

  “How did you find me?” I whisper ignoring his question.

  He laughs harshly and then leans in closer so I can smell his pungent breath on my face. “Did you really think I would just let you go after all we have been through?” He leans in and kisses my cheek. His wet lips make me gag again and I try and stop the tears from falling. “It’s been a challenge I admit but I just worked backwards.” He has warmed to this topic. “I found out who your case worker was back in Hammond, followed her round for a few weeks, seeing what made her
tick and then one night I had a ‘friendly’ catch up with her.” He laughs harshly, air quoting the words ‘friendly.’ His eyes glaze over as he remembers what he has done. “It’s actually pretty amazing how much someone can remember after twelve years with just a little pressure. Anyway, I tracked you back to your new mommy and daddy,” he finishes proudly, looking at me.

  My heart starts beating wildly. Oh God no, not Mom and Dad.

  “Don’t panic, sweetie,” he finally continues when he sees my eyes widen in fear. “They’re so old, I knew if I said one word they’d probably die on me and I ain’t a killer of old folk! I just broke in one day they were out and found some paperwork that told me where you were and also your pretty new name. You know you should really get them to lock the door.” He laughs harshly again.

  “Why are you doing this?” I ask him, shaking with fear.

  “Because we belong together baby girl, we always have,” he says simply, rubbing my arms now. I look at his face and see him eyeing me closely with something akin to lust on his face. I know he is delusional but I have no idea what to do to stop him.

  “Uncle Dean?” I try using his name for the first time. He smiles when he hears the recognition in my voice. “Uncle Dean, I have a boyfriend I was talking to when you…when you…um took me. I should call him and tell him I am okay before he calls the police or something.” I try keeping my voice calm and even.

  “Don’t you worry about that boy,” he replies ominously, “he’ll get over you. At his age boys come and go. He’s probably already found himself a new girl. What’s between us is much more meaningful.”

  My heart stops in fear and all my memories come rushing back to me as I sit here listening to him. Memories of him trying to embrace me on the couch in our apartment, him sneaking into my room at night to see me, making me touch him in bad places. I try and focus my mind on getting out of here, rather than losing my mind with memories of when I was too young to stop him.