Dare to Breathe

by M. Homer

  When I go back into the room, my heart breaks when I see Sam sitting on the bed, knees raised and arms wrapped around them, in a pair of sweatpants and T-shirt she borrowed from Mandy, her long black hair still wet from her shower and tied into a long braid down her back. I sit down beside her.

  “Your parents are so happy you are okay but the truth is, they really need to see you right now.” I take a deep breath to continue, not really wanting to let her go, “and you need them too.”

  Her sapphire eyes look up at me sadly and she just nods.

  “I am going to drive you there in the morning and then I am going to go back to Rainbow Springs and wait for you there,” I tell her, trying not to start crying like a pussy.

  I see in her eyes that she understands what I am doing. We both know we need to let each other go so we can learn to love in a healthy way, less co-dependent on each other.

  “Just so you know, this is not goodbye,” I tell her.

  She nods again and I pull her towards me, wrapping her tiny body in mine. I stroke her back as I feel her silent tears strip a hole right into my heart. We both fall asleep on the bed, wrapped in each other’s arms.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Leaving her again is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know she needs time to heal and I need time to allow her to do it herself but it still hurts like hell. We both cry when I finally hug her goodbye but then I let her go and walk back to my friends, who are waiting in the car, not turning around once.

  I decide on impulse to join the others for the remainder of the road trip. There is no way I can go home alone right now.

  We visit New York, Maine and New Orleans and through it all I smile and pretend I am okay when inside all I want to do is rush back to her and whisk her away. We finally head back to our hometown in Chicago to visit our families before we have to go back to college minus Ben who starts work at some fancy restaurant in town.

  “I think we should visit her grave,” Mandy says to us one day, when we are all in her family’s living room.

  No one speaks for a minute. We all know who Mandy is thinking about, but then Carrie sits down close to me, placing her hand in mine. “I agree. I think it would be good for us,” she says, looking straight at me. This is what she wanted to do when we visited at Christmas but somehow, we just couldn’t.

  I consider their words and think about how it makes me feel. I never even went to the funeral when Kate died, it was all too raw and I know I really need the closure. “Okay,” I finally say.

  The weather is wet and windy the day we decide to go. The rain pours down heavily as we drive over to the graveyard, forcing Ben to drive slowly through the wet roads. I think the heavens have opened up to mourn our friend with us, all over again. We get out of the car and I watch everyone pull on their rain jackets and set the umbrellas up. I do neither and walk numbly with the rain wetting my clothes and my hair. I follow the girls to her spot out in this cold wet place. I think about the vibrant girl I once knew and it makes me feel sad.

  When we get to her headstone everyone stops and looks down at the words written on it. I struggle to see through the tears running down my face along with the raindrops, ‘Beloved daughter, sister and friend…’

  “She really loved you, you know.” Mandy is beside me and puts her arm around me. “She told me you were the one person who made her feel really happy even when her world got so dark. I know she felt bad about bringing you down with her moods and she even tried to hide it from you but you were just too close.”

  “I wanted to help her. I wanted to fix her but I couldn’t. I should have asked for more help for her,” I choke out. A part of me wishes I could have been more for her, stronger, more determined to make her get help and just more of a boyfriend to her, more of a friend.

  “I know. We all should have, but no one knew what was going on in her head. It wasn’t your fault or anyone else’s. Her death was a tragedy and maybe it could have been prevented but you have to let it go. We never knew what was going on inside her mind except for what she wanted to share with us,” she replies.

  I finally grasp that Kate’s death not only impacted hard on me but on all my friends who still carry the blame for her being gone too. No one knows how hard it is to lose a friend until it actually happens to them.

  I don’t reply, instead I quickly squeeze Mandy’s hand as a sign of gratitude and then walk forward to the headstone as I need this time to talk to Kate. I drop down in front of the grave on my knees. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. I am sorry I didn’t love you as much as you deserved and I am so sorry I didn’t get you some help. I miss you Kate. A part of me always will but I really hope, wherever you are now, you have found peace and you’re happy.”

  I wipe my tears away as I look at her headstone, hoping she can hear me. “Kate, I met a girl, a wonderful, brave girl who has been through so much but never gave up. She put up with me and all my shit. She even trusted me enough to let it get serious, but Kate, I fucked up with her too. I didn’t let her get better; I became her emotional crutch because I needed to feel needed. Now I have left her to find her own feet but I am so lost. I miss her so much and I don’t know what to do.” I choke out the last words. I place my hands on my head and just finally let it all go. My friends in the midst of my anguish walk away giving me the peace and time I need to just finally break down.

  As I sit there, the rain slows down and the sun tries to break through the clouds. I feel the warmth of it shining on my back, like a hand soothing me. I feel a sense of warmth and peace come into me and in my own mind, I hope it’s Kate forgiving me for not being there for her and comforting me for doing the right thing by Sam. I don’t care if it is my overactive imagination making me feel better. I just know I finally have some clarity in my head.

  Half an hour later I stand up, look over at Kate’s grave one last time and blow her a final kiss. I walk back to the car and back to the people waiting inside for me.

  * * * *

  “Okay losers; now, don’t cook crap every night and remember to add at least one vegetable in your dinner every night,” Ben says as he drops us all off at our home later that week.

  “Ben you know we are going to come and mooch off you at least once a week, right?” Carrie looks up at him, blinking her long eyelashes. Ben has never been able to resist Carrie and I watch his face as he looks at her tenderly.

  “Unless you each bring big bucks, all you’ll be eating is the salad.” He smiles, ruffling her hair. “You know I am going to be a top chef working at a top restaurant.”

  “You know you’re just going to be doing all the scut work so I hope your peeling skills are good,” I joke.

  “Hey I don’t care, I’ll soon be sous chef, watch this space,” he replies, punching me in the arm.

  We all laugh as we know a sous chef is still way down there in the chef chain, but I have absolute faith in my buddy and know it won’t be long before he is actually running the place.

  “Well, we’ll miss you,” Mandy says, grabbing him and giving him a big hug with tears in her eyes. “You drive safely and we’ll come see you soon.”

  “She means we’ll miss your damn fine cooking!” Carrie says with a laugh.

  He smiles at us all and then gives us a wave before driving off into the big wide world. I watch his car take off and I shake my head with fond memories. Ben has been there for me for as long as I can remember. For the last two years we have been living together, getting drunk together and hanging out together. I am going to miss him being there every day to pick me up with his stupid sense of humor.

  As his car disappears around the corner and we start heading inside, I turn to the girls and decide to finally ask them the question which has been on my mind for the last month. “Um, so have either of you spoken to Sam?”

  “I told you he would crack!” Carrie points over at Mandy laughing.

  Mandy looks at me with sympathy. “She’s doing well. Her parent
s have been continuing daily counseling lessons for her at home and they have been spoiling her rotten. You should call her.”

  “That’s great!” I say and I really mean it. Sam needs to be spoilt and supported so she can lead the life she deserves. I know she has the best people around her, people who have lifted her up and helped her to become the great person she is today. “Maybe I’ll call her later,” I lie, knowing I just won’t have the strength to stay away if I hear her voice.

  “Oh yeah, and she wants to come back soon,” Carrie adds with a wink at me.

  My heart drops down into my toes but I try and keep a calm face. “Oh? Great! When is she coming back?”

  “Maybe next week or the week after. She spoke to the college so they know she’ll be late. In the circumstances…” Mandy drifts off seeing through my armor instantly.

  I nod, understanding what Mandy hasn’t said aloud. The college would have been made aware of what happened to Sam.

  “You know she asks about you all the time,” Mandy adds. “She was actually pretty worried about you.

  I try not to let Mandy’s words get to me, but I feel some sadness. I want Sam to realize I am okay. I left her so I could get better too. I don’t want her worrying about me or feeling sorry for me. I want her to want me the way I want her!

  We head inside the house and I automatically head for our room. I stop just as I reach the door, uncertain of what to do.

  “Just give yourself and her some time,” Mandy says, coming up behind me and giving me a quick hug. I nod again, take a last longing look at our room, grab my bag and head upstairs instead.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  My course starts with a bang this year as it is now my third year. After my poor results last year I know I need to really focus on my work. I spend the first week catching up, reading and working my butt off to get back to where I need to be. It feels good to have a positive focus on something that has always been important to me and I give it all I have. All the work also helps to take my thoughts off Sam and what I am going to do when she gets back.

  The weather is still warm on the Friday afternoon as I head home. It’s been a crazy week but productive. The second week has flown by and I am looking forward to grabbing a cold drink and chilling in front of the TV. The girls have tried hard to get me to go out with them to Joe’s but I can’t anymore. Those days are well over for me.

  When I get home later I hear the radio on in the kitchen. I shout out a quick hello and head straight upstairs to shower. Ten minutes later I am dressed in comfortable black cargo shorts and a long-sleeved gray hoodie. I decide to get a drink and go into the kitchen to grab one out of the fridge. I stop dead in my tracks when I see Sam sitting on the stool looking straight at me with her beautiful blue eyes. She looks good; no, in fact she looks amazing! Her face has a healthy tan and her black hair is gleaming and straight down her back. She has put on a little weight which shows off all her perfect curves and her short white shorts show her long, tanned legs. I notice she is biting her bottom lip and I try not to stare at her, making her feel more uncomfortable than she already clearly feels.

  I missed you. “You’re back,” I finally say instead, in a rush, not my smoothest welcome, but I am so surprised I don’t know what else to say.

  She gives me a wide smile and raises her hands out as if to say, ‘yup—in the flesh.’

  I walk over and sit down next to her, desperate to touch her but not able to do anything. Sitting this close to her, I smell her unique smell of strawberries and just her. I sit on my hands to stop myself from reaching out for her.

  “You look great,” I tell her, thinking back to when I dropped her off at home looking bruised, defeated and tired. “Are you okay?”

  “I am now,” she replies, looking down at her hands in her lap. “Are you okay?”

  “You know I thought of you every day—every second all the time—but yeah, I am okay,” I tell her.

  “Yet, you left me?” she says, looking up at me with hurt eyes.

  I shake my head. “I didn’t leave you at all. I have had you here in my heart the whole time we’ve been apart.”

  She looks confused so I grab her hand and place it over my heart, unable and unwilling to stop myself from touching her any longer. “I needed you to see you were stronger than ‘him.’ That you didn’t need me to chase away the demons. You could fight it yourself. I needed to let you figure it out without me so I could learn to love you in a healthy way and stop smothering you and killing myself in the process,” I try and explain.

  She gives me a small, sad smile and puts her other hand on my chest. “I told you if it got too much to walk away. I thought after what happened that’s what you had done.”

  “Shit! No, not at all!” I finally pull her into my lap just needing her close. “I just wanted us both to face our pasts so we can have some sort of future.” I decide to be brave and tell this girl what I really feel inside me. “I need you, pretty girl, you are my soul mate. You are the reason I get up every day and work so hard. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to do the right thing. I want to be strong like you and know you and I can always count on each other. Sam, I have never loved anyone the way I love you and I don’t think I ever will again.”

  I see tears roll down her cheeks and I gently rub them away with my thumb, one at a time. She closes her eyes and brings her head up to mine and kisses me deeply on the lips. Feeling her soft, full lips on mine nearly kills me but I grab her harder and kiss her more, urging her lips apart so I can feel her tongue. Sam reciprocates and I know I am home.

  “Thank you for all you did for me, for us, for my family,” she whispers to me. “Finding out my birth parents were as fucked up as my uncle nearly killed me, Nathan. I hoped when they were alive we had some sort of real family, but Dean destroyed that image when he told me the truth. I need to live a full life, not just for me, but for my brothers who deserved so much more. I want this life to be with you.”

  “You have me always,” I whisper back claiming her again with my mouth on hers.

  Epilogue

  “Can you believe I finally graduated?” I tell Sally, Beth, Carrie, Mandy, Ben and Nathan who are all standing around me giving me hugs and swinging me about as I stand there in my cap and navy gown. “For a while there I thought I had no chance but now look at me, I have a child psychology degree!” I wonder for a moment what I will do with it. Will I go into social work or do I want to go private? I think of my parents and all they have done for me over the last few years and know I want to reach out to as many kids as possible. I want them all to know, no matter what happens in their lives, they still have a choice and a chance at having a good life.

  “Whatever, you were always a big nerd who spent every spare second studying when you weren’t sucking face with lover boy!” Carrie smiles at me, breaking me out of my trance. She too, is dressed in her cap and gown, waving her business degree around.

  I look at her, smiling. We are so different and yet have connected on such a deep level, ever since I came back. Carrie, I realized, loves her friends hard and sometimes it can be a little overwhelming.

  “Thank God my parents have gone to get a drink, you bitch,” I laugh at her. “They wouldn’t appreciate you and your potty mouth.”

  She blows me a kiss and gives me a wink before going off to find Mandy who is talking to her own parents.

  I feel strong hands circle my waist and Nathan presses his lips to my neck. “Well, she kind of has a point,” he whispers into my skin.

  I close my eyes and enjoy the kisses he places there, wishing we were locked away in our new room right now. We have found a little apartment close to town where he has work at a veterinary clinic. It is perfect, with a large bedroom, a bathtub and a small kitchen (which Nathan has banned me from using).

  “They didn’t have any more soda so we decided to wait,” my dad says, coming up behind us. I gently untangle myself from Nathan and grab his hand instead, giving
him a squeeze. I am so glad my parents are here. Despite the travel, they decided this was too important to miss. I know I probably don’t have much time left with them so every second is precious.

  My mom comes up to me and throws her skinny arms around me too. “Honey, we are so proud of you!”

  “Thanks.” I smile back at her knowing all I have achieved has been because of their support. I am the person I am today because of them and their unshakable belief in me. It brings tears to my eyes which I hastily wipe away.

  “We should head on over to the café and get a drink then,” Sally tells us. “We’ve closed it all off for a private party for our special girls.” She smiles at us with pride.

  Sally and Beth have been my second parents over the last year. When I came back, I decided to tell them everything. They sat with me, holding my hands, crying with me and then wrapping me up in their fierce love, picking me up every time I was down. They too have wormed their way into my heart. I love these people immensely.

  The others walk to the café but Nathan pulls me back. “I just want you to know how amazing I think you are,” he says, smiling down at me. “You have this amazing courage inside. It blows me away. Despite everything, you love so deeply and I see how many people you have touched. I am so damn lucky to have you in my life.”

  I go up on my toes to kiss him. “I love you,” I tell him.

  “I love you too and I wanted to give you this before we got to the party.” He places a small box in my hands.

  “I told you not to get me anything!” I exclaim.

  “I saw this and it reminded me of you so I had to buy it.” He shrugs innocently.

  I pull off the lid and gasp. On a delicate gold chain is a tiny golden robin. The robin has its wings spread out in mid-flight, its graceful body perfectly captured in detail.