Honest Love

by Cm Hutton

  “Yeah?”

  “Bring me a paper bag…hurry!” I heard Melissa yelling.

  “Can’t…Breathe…” I muttered.

  “Hang on, honey. Just breathe.” Melissa was trying to help.

  I felt a bag shoved into my face, heard a phone ringing, doorbell chiming, people scrabbling…it was chaos. All the while, Melissa and Kyle were standing next to me calming me down. “We’re here. It’s going to be okay.” Then, a pair of arms surrounded me.

  “Mel, get a few ice cubes. Jason, carry her to the couch.” An unfamiliar female voice was talking. It must have been Derek’s mom. “Hang on, honey.” I was laid down and as my breathing steadied and I felt like a fool. These wonderful people had a son and brother missing and they were having to care for me. I worked like hell to pull myself together. I didn’t understand the crazy, over the top shit I was experiencing.

  “I’m okay.” I managed. “I’m sorry.” I was shaking my head and trying to get up. “Melissa?” She came to me. “You guys should go. I’m sorry. I’m too…he’s your brother, their son…I’m…I can…I’ll be okay. Go. Please. Be together. I’m fine.” My breath was back and I was standing, walking to the front door. “Please, don’t worry about me. I’m so sorry. This is about Derek…not me and…” I started to cry again and it pissed me off. “Please. I can’t.”

  “Claire. Stop.” Jason spoke. “Do you know what he would do to us if we weren’t here taking care of you?” The whole family laughed. “He’d kick our asses…right, Mom?”

  She paused for a second and I felt my face fall. “Yes.” I felt stupid.

  “Jason, thank you. I have my kids here with me, so I’m not alone. I think you should go…wherever you guys go…even to his house. I love Derek, with my whole heart, but I feel like I’m a distraction you don’t need.”

  “Claire.” Melissa looked at me, studying my words. She knew what I was trying to do. It wasn’t selfish. It was for them.

  “Mom, Dad…guys. Let’s give her some space. Claire, we will be around the corner at Derek’s. Call if you need anything…and I mean anything.” She was holding back her tears.

  “I will.” I wouldn’t.

  “FUCK NO! I’m not about to leave her here alone. Mel, what the hell are you doing? Derek would never forgive us.” Jason, the protector spoke up.

  I laid my hand on his arm and spoke directly to him. “It’s okay. Just focus on bringing him back to me. That’s all I want. Please.”

  “Claire, you don’t understand. We can’t just leave and not take care of you.”

  I closed my eyes, fighting like hell not to cry. I took a breath, opened my eyes as I said, “Jason, you’re as amazing as Derek. He must have gotten that protective spirit from you. But I’m a pretty tough girl. Go. Find him. I’ll be here waiting.” Inside I was dying. Outside, I was attempting to pull it together as his whole family watched.

  Melissa winked at me, knowingly. Her mom nodded in understanding even as tears ran down her face and their dad, along with Jason and Kyle looked completely puzzled.

  Finally, Melissa and Claudia, took the boys by the arms and led them out the front door. As soon as I heard it shut, I collapsed and cried.

  Jenna, Jon and Matt surrounded me and joined me. “What will we do if he’s gone?” I couldn’t help but to ask my kids the question.

  “We’ll be okay, Momma. We are a family. Derek wanted to be a part of it…of us. We’ll be okay.” Matt was such a good boy.

  “Thank you. I love you guys so much.” We sat, just holding onto our tiny family and prayed.

  After a while, I made my way upstairs. I didn’t want to lay in my…in our bed. So I curled up on the chaise chair in the corner. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been there when Melissa burst through the door.

  “Get up! We found him! He’s alive, but only barely. Let’s go. He needs you!” I jumped up, not knowing the time or what had happened. When we walked out the front door it was late…dark.

  “Melissa, stop. I’m so confused.”

  “Get your ass in the car. We need to get to Sharp Memorial. He’s there. It took us some time, but Jason did what you told him to do and found Derek. He’s in surgery now. We have to go.”

  “Shit. Okay.” I jumped up and ran out. “Matt?” I yelled.

  “Matt knows. He’s got things under control.”

  “Go, Mom.”

  “I love you.” I called back.

  “We know. Go.”

  We climbed into Melissa’s Q7 and sped off. “How did Jason find him?”

  “Jason is a homicide detective with the San Diego Police Department. He’s been calling in favors all day. Kyle’s a doctor, so between the two of them, they finally found Derek. He was under a different name. Fire chief’s pretty protective, especially with our brother.”

  “But why wouldn’t people want to know Derek is okay? By all accounts, the whole city would want to know that.”

  “A few years ago, Derek sued a local TV station over posting his information after a nasty fire. He’d been bombarded with all these fucking crazy-ass fans. So, all the stations are leery about it. I mean, he settled with the station for ten million dollars. It was ugly. The case was pretty cut and dry. They leaked confidential medical information. They are really careful now, especially with him. No one knows he’s alive, Claire. Just us and that’s because we have friends in high places.”

  “How bad is he?”

  “He has a pretty bad head injury. That’s why he’s in surgery. They need to relieve the pressure. Once he’s out of surgery, they’ll leave him in a medically induced coma until the swelling has gone down. It could be a while. But he’s alive…today…right now. You need to talk to him. Keep him going.”

  “Okay. What about the other guys? The four other firefighters?”

  Melissa paused, took a breath and I knew. “They didn’t make it. So once again, Derek is our miracle. He needs to hear your voice…I’m sure of it.”

  “Okay. You know I love him, Melissa. I can’t be without him.”

  She placed her hand on my leg. “I know. Just like I know you needed some space from my family.”

  “No, it wasn’t that. I felt selfish. You all needed to concentrate on Derek. I was a distraction with my emotions being all crazy. It wasn’t fair to you.”

  “I knew it. So did the rest of us. You are the perfect girl for Derek! Abbi would have made it all about her. You are what he needs, Claire.”

  “I just want him to be okay. I need him. He’s…well, he’s my other half.”

  “I know.” We pulled into the parking garage and Melissa led me to the ICU floor.

  “He should be coming out soon. We didn’t tell you right away until my mom and dad could get here and sign surgery shit. It was insane.”

  “Okay.” Truthfully, I was upset. I’m his…well, I was his girlfriend and didn’t have any right to his care, but it still pissed me off. What if it was a life support thing? They could turn it off regardless of my feelings. No, that was going to change.

  We walked down a long white hall to the ICU until we found his room. Melissa hugged me, then walked off and let me go in by myself. He was laying perfectly still, tubes everywhere and I fell apart. I walked next to him, so grateful he was alive, but scared shitless.

  “Hi, baby.” I touched his chest. “I’m here and I love you. Please be okay. You promised. Remember? I need you to wake up and tell me what you said this morning. Please. I love you so much. I can’t do this without you.”

  I heard the beeping of the heart monitors, the in and out breathing of the ventilator. It was awful. The sun was down and I was exhausted, more emotionally than anything else. I laid my head on the edge of Derek’s bed, held his hand and prayed until I fell asleep.

  Chapter 31

  Claire

  I felt someone touch my shoulder and it startled me. “Derek?”

  “No, sorry, hun. I just came to check on you and my son.”

  “Oh, I’ll go and let you have som
e privacy. I must have fallen asleep. What time is it?” I stood to leave, but had trouble letting go of Derek’s hand, but it wasn’t me. He had a grip on my hand and his mom realized it at the same time that I did. “Please tell me you see this?”

  She grabbed my shoulders and cried. “I do. Derek? Honey? It’s mom and Claire. Can you hear us?” We both looked at each other, then looked down at my hand still gripped in his.

  We both let out a little laugh and Claudia said, “I guess that was a dumb question. He’s obviously holding onto you so you won’t leave and he can’t answer me.” She paused. “Mind if I stay with you?”

  “Oh my gosh, of course not. I’d like that.” I scooted my chair as close to the bed as I could and started slowly rubbing the back of Derek’s hand, first just random patterns, then I started spelling out words. I love you. You are mine. Mrs. London. Need you.

  I just wanted to tell him those things over and over, but not in front of his mom.

  “Claire, I’m glad he found you. You’ve made him so happy. Did you know he called me after you guys got back the other night?”

  “What? No.”

  “He called as he was leaving you and the kids…going separate ways to go home. He said he hated it. He didn’t know how to handle the next step. So, I told him not to waste even a minute thinking about it. I asked him what his heart told him. He said he loved you and there was no way he could go home and be in his house all alone, without you…and your kids.”

  “He did?” I squeezed Derek’s hand and let the tears fall. “He showed up and my kids let him in. I think Matt was really grateful.”

  “Good. I told him if he really wanted to be a part of your family, he’d have to fight for it. I understand you, Claire. See, Melissa is my daughter from my first husband. He was killed in a car accident. It was just the two of us for about five years. When I met Jim…well, I was still so closed off and just a mess. He loved me through it. I hope you don’t mind, but Derek told me about you and what happened. He wanted my input.”

  I bowed my head. “Claire, look at me, please.” I did.

  “I’m sorry for what happened to you. I hate it, actually. But I’m here to say to you that none of us judge you on the actions of your ex-husband. What we see is a woman that loves our boy. Let him love you and those great kids. I want to get to know them. And if something ever happens to my precious boy here…” Claudia burst into tears and leaned over me to kiss Derek’s bandaged forehead, “…well, you and your kids will always be a part of us…of our family because he loves you and wants to marry you.”

  “Claudia…I don’t know what say. I…thank you. I need him to be okay. Jake and I were married nearly twenty years and I never felt for him what I do for Derek. I think it was because of the circumstances surrounding our relationship. But Derek…”

  “I know, honey. I see it in your face and I understand it.”

  “Thank you!” I stood and hugged Claudia. She was kind and loving. “It means so much to me, truly.”

  “I know. I felt the same way with Jim’s parents. We are your family now, no matter what.” I fell apart and cried on her shoulder.

  *****

  Claudia insisted I stay with Derek and even offered to go stay at my house with the kids. She said she wanted to get to know them and was confident Derek was in good hands having me there with him. I found out later that she also knew the attending physician, Dr. Allen, through Kyle, so she had an inside track to what was happening at any given moment.

  You could say I loved her. She was very much like me.

  Derek had been in his medically induced coma for two days and I was going nuts. I’d gone home to shower and eat a few times, but that was it. I’d even traced over the Mrs. London handwriting on the bottom side of my ring finger. I had to. It was ours and it made me feel closer to him. It was weird that he hadn’t gripped my hand as hard after that morning with his mom. I tried not to read too much into it.

  I sat beside his bed. His hospital gown was shifted and I could see the writing of the tattoo on his side. It was strange. In the weeks I’d known Derek, I’d never really paid attention to the words, let alone asked what they meant.

  But I could see them now. They said, “L’amore e il perdono sono le due cose più difficili da accettare e per dare.”

  I actually knew what it said. It was Italian. I studied abroad the semester before I met Jake. The tattoo said, ‘Love and forgiveness are the two hardest things to accept and to give.’ Amen.

  I was exhausted. My whole body just wanted to curl up in his hospital bed and sleep with him. As I laid my head on the edge of the bed and tried to sleep, I suddenly became aware of loud talking coming from the hallway. It almost sounded like a fight, but I wasn’t sure.

  I sat up and listened closely. The voices…were familiar.

  Then, with complete clarity, I realized it was Abbi. She must have been yelling at Derek’s family. I gripped his hand and hoped like hell they would stop her from coming into his room. Of course, I barely had the thought register in my head when the hospital door opened. Abbi stormed in with Kyle and Jason on her heels.

  “Abbi.” was all I could get out.

  “What the fuck is she doing here? He’s my husband.” The venom in her tone was unreal.

  “Excuse me?” I stood right next to the bed, hiding Derek’s body from her as much as I could.

  “Abbi how in the hell did you find him anyway?” Kyle asked. He and Jason had moved around her and stood next to me, protecting Derek.

  “Fuck off, Kyle. It’s none of your business.”

  “Like hell it isn’t. You are not part of this family anymore Abbi. You have zero right to be here.”

  Jason stepped toward her and started to grab her arm. “Don’t you fucking touch me, Jason!”

  He pointed right in her face and spoke slowly, his voice full of anger. “Get this straight, Abbi…You. Are. Nothing. To. Him. You are the last person on earth he would want here. Claire? She’s family…our family and you’re not getting near her or Derek. Now, you can walk out the door by yourself or I will carry your fucking ass out myself. What’s it going to be?”

  Before she could answer, all sorts of alarms starting ringing in the room. Something was wrong. Derek’s machines were going crazy. Kyle moved me out of the way and starting punching buttons, adjusting shit…hell, I didn’t know. Then I heard him call the nurses station and give some order that had a team of people running into the room. I backed out of the way. “Kyle, what’s happening? What’s wrong?” I was scared to death. The looks on everyone’s faces was so grim…especially Kyle’s. He wasn’t Derek’s doctor, but he obviously knew what was going on.

  Dr. Allen burst through the door. “Shit! Kyle, what going on in here?”

  “Not sure, Ryan but I’m afraid it might be a bleed.”

  “Fuck! Janice, call the O.R. Let’s go, people. Get him out of here.”

  We all stood in shock, even Abbi. Jason had moved to stand beside me and had his arm wrapped around my shoulder.

  “STOP! Please, I need to tell him something.” They all looked at me, but paused only long enough to let me lean down and whisper to him.

  “Please fight, baby! I need you. Don’t leave me, please! I love you, Derek. Fight for me…for us.” I kissed his forehead, closed my eyes and prayed.

  “We have to take him, Claire. I’ll go with him okay?” Kyle was touching my shoulder.

  “Kyle…I need him. Please. Help him.”

  “I know.” Kyle kissed my forehead and in an instant the room was empty, except for Jason, Abbi and me.

  I looked at Jason, whose face showed that his heart was just as shattered as mine. I crumbled to the floor, sobbing into my hands. Jason walked to me, sat down and wrapped his arms around my body, crying with me. “I can’t lose him.”

  “I know, me either.”

  I don’t know how long we’d sat there together, but neither one of us acknowledged Abbi, nor realized she’d left us at some point.
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  *****

  Six hours.

  Six long, excruciatingly painful, emotional hours had passed and Derek was still in surgery. The bleeding was ‘severe.’ That’s what we were told. Kyle even called from the operating room and talked to Jason. The look on his face told us all to prepare for the worst. Claudia and Melissa fell apart, huddling in the waiting room corner. Jason looked at me and I watched as Derek’s big brother let huge tears drain down his face.

  I stood just shocked…stunned. I didn’t make a sound, but the tears streamed steadily. I needed to call my kids. I wanted them with me, but didn’t know if I could actually speak. So I walked into the hallway and texted Matt.

  Claire:

  I need you guys to come to the hospital. Derek is still in surgery, but it doesn’t look good. I want you three here, please.

  Matt:

  On our way, Momma. We love you.

  Claire:

  Love you too. Hurry

  With everything that had happened over the last few days, Matt had been such a strong young man once again. He’d handled everything for me so I could be at the hospital. He was simply an amazing kid. I slid my back down the wall and sat on the floor. I didn’t want to go back into the waiting room. I wanted to be alone. I looked at the writing on my finger, rubbed it gently and cried. I wanted my ‘happily ever after,’ but it was looking unlikely and I felt so broken. I wasn’t giving up on Derek. I was scared.

  I bent my knees up, wrapped my arms around my legs and laid my head down. I prayed that God would heal Derek’s injuries…whatever they were, however severe…and let him stay with me. I begged, actually.

  I heard voices coming down the hall. It was Matt and…Jake? What? I looked up to see my kids and their dad walking toward me. I was totally confused. I stood just as they got to me. Jake grabbed me, hugging me tightly as he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  I cried on his shoulder. I didn’t care how he knew. I was grateful to have someone with me who really knew me…had known me for most of my life. It was comforting. My family was around me…well, the family I once had. I was too wrecked to care about all the crap anymore. Hell, even in that very moment, I wished Kaye would’ve been there too. She was once my friend. “Thank you, Jake” was all I could say.