Reawakened Secrets

by Denae, Mari

  “I guess I should have seen it coming, but I was still shocked. It was the first time I felt I would never be good enough no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t even put up a fight. I expected that kind of thing from the other students, but not the adults, or at least not the teachers. Grades were supposed to be cut and dried. I had worked hard and been so proud to be able to graduate with Jackson and Alice.” I sighed, disappointed by how much the memory still affected me.

  “I tried to hide it from them, but they just wouldn’t let it go. I think it was the first time they had ever seen me cry. I went to school early the next day. I was too embarrassed to face them. Jackson and Alice showed up with both of their fathers and went straight to the principal’s office. I still don’t know what they threatened him with, but it worked. Since they were the two richest families in the school, it wasn’t much of a surprise that Principal Barnaby crumbled like a fortune cookie. By lunch time, I was officially the valedictorian and had three glowing letters of recommendation for Yale in my hand. I really appreciated what they did, but there was no joy in it anymore.”

  I looked up and saw everything I expected in his eyes, the shock; the pity. “Dozer, I don’t care if they’re both Jesus reincarnated to anoint you as their faithful disciple. You’ve worked hard to be where you are, but you’re about to blow it.”

  “I’m not-”

  “Listen to me,” he interrupted sharply. “Settle this mess and do it fast.”

  “Wow! That sounds so easy. Why didn’t I think of that?”

  “Don’t be a smartass.”

  I scrubbed my hands across my face and tried to battle back the frustration and hopelessness. “You just don’t get it. Jackson and Alice: it’s not so easy to hurt them. I know what I have to do. I just don’t know how I will ever be able to do it. So you tell me, Adam, what now?” His lips pressed together in a tight line. He was trying so hard to be good. His face was turning red, and I swear to God he looked like he was going to pass out from a lack of oxygen any second. “Just say it.”

  Raking his hand through his hair, Adam took a deep breath before letting loose. “Dozer, if I were being honest, I would say fuck him. And I mean that literally. Fuck him right out of your system until you can see what an asshole he is. Then punch him in the nuts and hit him right between his eyes with the revelations you just shared with me. That’s what he deserves.”

  My mouth dropped open and a strangled “Adam,” passed through my stunned lips before he continued.

  “But since I promised to be sensitive to your girlie feelings blah, blah bullshit, I guess I’ll just say—tell him the truth. Don’t fuck around and wait. Do it now, today, yesterday if you could.”

  And that little nugget of goodness was Adam in a nutshell. How he still shocked and endeared himself to me with shit like that was a mystery, but, somehow it worked for me. I think it was because he was real, and that was something I only had with Jackson and Alice until Adam.

  “Tell him the truth—check. Anything else, Master Yoda?”

  “Yeah, you know how much I believe in you. You’re my mini me. I wouldn’t share all the magnificence that is me with you otherwise. But, this is your one and only chance. Leave your personal shit at home. As soon as you step one foot in this hospital, your patients’ lives better be the only thing on your mind. Otherwise, you’ll be off my surgical rotation. Got it?”

  “Got it.”

  “Good. Now let’s go cut someone open.”

  My surgery was finally over. It felt good to have one success for the day. High on a sense of accomplishment, I ambled to the nurses’ station to get the chart for my next patient. Taking up an entire corner of the counter was a massive bouquet of sterling roses. Without a doubt I knew the first strike had been launched. I’d always admired those exact roses in the Haven Hill Estate garden. Jackson, Alice, and I had spent countless hours playing hide-and-seek there. The flowers, their aroma, and the authentic crystal vase were all spectacular.

  This was a direct hit. I felt myself sinking toward a surrender I craved, but could never have. I shouldn’t have expected anything less. Years of friendship gave him an unfair advantage. It would be too freaking easy for him to break my weak ass down.

  I’m not sure how long I stood in front of the nurses’ station before the on-duty nurse placed a card in my hands. Feeling a little uneasy, I smiled and thanked her for the delivery. I opened the envelope and sighed in consternation at the simple yet expressive message inside. It was as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.

  It was a quote from Gandhi:

  “That’s one good-looking guy you’ve got chasing after you, honey,” the nurse said, breaking my trance. “He waited here for hours while you were in surgery.”

  Oh no, Jackson had made this delivery in person. I looked around at the other nurses and registered their envious glances. They would probably be mooning over him for days. Try a lifetime. A sudden thought caused my heart to jerk and drop to the pit of my stomach as I scanned the hallways again. Perhaps he’s still here.

  Feeling completely defeated, I went to the locker room to take my break. As I darted to my refuge, I had no choice but to accept how spineless I was being. I was out of sight for now, but I knew I couldn’t hide forever.

  Jackson must have charmed every nurse on staff, or maybe it was his personal shopper slash assistant. On and on, his tokens of reconciliation continued. Flowers, always sterling roses, arrived in impressive bouquets by the dozens or one at a time. I hated how much I loved them. Meaningful trinkets, chosen to inspire heart-warming childhood memories, also found their way to the nurses’ station, my locker, and even the deep pockets of my lab coat. Every gift was accompanied by a quote expressing some pointed emotion geared toward forgiveness, friendship, or love.

  My unbearable pursuit by Jackson Montgomery became the most entertaining sideshow of the week. Nurses, interns, doctors, and surgeons alike seemed to wait with almost as much anticipation as I did to see what would come next. They all mistook his absent, unorthodox courtship for romance. Because I had nowhere to put all the flowers, I passed them on to all of Jackson’s admirers or my patients. I hated to admit it, even to myself, but the small quote included with each offering was endearing. I couldn’t bear to dispose of them, and my locker portfolio was filling up. My very favorite of the lot was,

  I knew it was just a matter of time before he showed up in person, but I was still unprepared when it finally happened. Over a week had gone by with the ceaseless onslaught of gifts. Nonetheless, I went to work and to see Alice every day without getting even a glimpse of Jackson. I was surprised to learn Alice hadn’t heard from him either. Then, just like that, he was there.

  Jackson sat in the cafeteria, completely engrossed in his smart phone. A small smile graced his lips just as I walked through the door. I screeched to a halt, like my heart that stopped beating before trying to leap out of my chest. Adam, who was right behind me, almost knocked me over. He gave me a pointed look and whispered, “Big girl panties” in my ear.

  Jackson looked up and waved us over to his table. “Hello, Claire. How’ve you been?” I could tell he enjoyed my inability to piece together a coherent response due to the smirk on his face. “Keeping busy, I see,” he continued, staring at Adam. “Would you and your friend like to join me for lunch?”

  I gritted my teeth, going from scared to pissed in three seconds flat. These games had to stop before I let myself get caught up in something that was never going to happen.

  “We need to talk, right now. Let’s go.”

  Because everyone was staring—either whispering speculatively or confirming appreciatively that he was my secret admirer—I couldn’t get out of the cafeteria fast enough. I didn’t even take time to say goodbye to Adam. Instead, I walked through the door to the nearest stairwell. I tugged nervously on my scrubs as I waited for him to follow me.

  “Jackson, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  Brows drawn together, he s
mirked down at me. “Apologizing . . . you know, most women who receive flowers and gifts wouldn’t have to ask.”

  “Most women don’t know you as well as I do. Besides, apologies are usually made in person, and the person apologizing is always after something.”

  “Good point,” he said with a laugh.

  His arms hung loosely at his sides. He was fighting against the smile transforming his face, but he couldn’t have been trying too hard. While I was a nervous wreck, he seemed at ease leaning against the wall. He looked . . . happy. Could he be more of a jackass?

  “I’ve missed you, Claire. I know you’ve missed me too.”

  “Absolutely not!”

  “Then why are you so angry?” he asked smugly. “I’ve been out of town trying to settle some business so I could focus all my attention on you. I tried to say good-bye and would’ve come back sooner if I could have.”

  “For what? Do you want to personally suffocate me with rose petals?”

  “Are you telling me you don’t like the flowers?” he asked with a knowing smile.

  I folded my arms across my chest and clamped my lips shut. Lying would be so much easier if I didn’t have to look him in the eye.

  “Fine, Claire. You tell me. What do you like? Are you dating Mr. Right, or do you want to become Mr. and Mrs. Doctor Shaw?”

  The urge to say yes was so strong, but I couldn’t bring myself to use Adam that way.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I’m not dating anyone, especially not Adam. I’m kind of busy trying to be a surgeon.”

  Something flared behind his eyes, deepening the edges to an azure blue. “Okay, then, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll start apologizing better if you tell me what you want. Tell me the type of guy who could make you happy.”

  Describing some arbitrary perfect guy was not possible when my dream come true was standing right in front of me.

  “Am I supposed to believe you want to be the guy for me?”

  “Yes.” His reply was short, sweet, heart-stopping.

  Flustered and unable to explain why I couldn’t just tell him to go to hell, I sank down onto the steps. Then I said the first thing that popped into my head. “I don’t know. I guess . . . I want my Edward.” My head lifted at his soft chuckle.

  “Are you talking about Jane Eyre? I remember you used to keep a copy in your backpack. It was practically falling apart.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s still my favorite.”

  “Always studious, even when it comes to love,” he teased. “I never saw you as a Cinderella type of girl, but I can’t believe you’d have a thing for married men who lie.”

  “I’m not into guys who abandon me, either.”

  This time, neither his smile nor his gaze faltered for a second. “Claire, I’m not criticizing you. I just need you to explain it to me. It was not all bad, but Jane Eyre has to be one of the most depressing love stories ever written. I would hardly consider it the perfect ideal of love.”

  “I don’t expect you to get it. It wasn’t perfect, but it was still beautiful. Edward was her sure thing. They were always going to love each other, even if they shouldn’t, even if they couldn’t be together.

  “All my heart is yours, it belongs to you; and with you it would remain, were fate to exile the rest of me from your presence forever,” I recited.

  “I have for the first time found what I can truly love—I have found you. You are my sympathy—my better self—my good angel,” he countered.

  Holy shit—seductive bastard! He sat next to me, staring into my eyes, searching for something that was beyond me. I was just trying to remember how to breathe.

  “I can’t . . . we can’t do this.”

  “Why not, baby?”

  “Because, I don’t trust you. You shouldn’t trust me either.”

  “I trust you, Claire. And I will earn you back, whatever it takes.”

  “You disappeared—for ten years! How could I ever believe you would stand by me? What happens when you change your mind?” Even though I asked, I already knew the answer.

  “I don’t expect you to believe me yet, but I’m your sure thing,” he said, using my own words against me. “Claire, I know I screwed up when I left, but those were extreme circumstances. It hurt like hell to stay away, but you were always with me. You’re a part of me, Claire. No amount of time or distance could change that. For me, it’s always been you, and it’s past time you knew that.”

  Struck dumb by his words, we sat and stared at each other for several minutes before I was composed enough to speak through the lump in my throat.

  “That’s crazy. What about Alice? You have to know everyone expected the two of you to end up together.”

  “I love Alice with all my heart.” His simple reply was like a sharp stab to my soul, but Jackson didn’t seem to notice. “I would do anything for her,” he continued, “but we’ve always had more of a brother-sister relationship. Alice knows that’s not going to change just because our parents fantasized about a romance for us.”

  She did?

  At some point, he had taken hold of my hands, and he was rubbing them in slow, intoxicating circles just above my fingers. Preoccupied as I was, I only became aware of this when I looked down to see what was spreading the unfamiliar warmth from my arms to the rest of my body. I shifted uncomfortably and listened to what he had to say.

  “Things have always been different with you and me, Claire, even when I was five. Whether you amused me with your humor or infuriated me with your big mouth, I just wanted to be near you. That last year was unbearable,” he said, taking an unsteady breath.

  “That’s why what you’re saying doesn’t make any sense. You did everything you could to distance yourself from me then. It really . . . hurt.”

  Embarrassment prevented me from meeting his eyes. I felt like a petulant child telling on someone for not being my friend anymore. He lifted my chin so I no longer had a choice but to stare directly into them. His hand lingered and caressed my cheek before falling away.

  “Claire, it took every bit of my control not to tell you how I felt. All I could think about was how much I wanted to touch you, kiss you; just hold you in my arms and know that you were mine. But when you started dating Duncan, I couldn’t stand to be around that.”

  “I went on one date with Duncan—one.”

  “What about all the times he waited for you at your locker, walked you to class or ate lunch with you? He was always around and I just wanted to smash his fucking face in. But, I knew Duncan wasn’t the one for you, so I waited.”

  “How could you have possibly known that?”

  His probing gaze searched my face before answering. “Because you feel it, even if you don’t want to. The connection that draws me to you, let’s me feel you before you even walk into the room.”

  My eyes swung down to our joined hands. “Jack, I-”

  “Don’t, please don’t lie to me. Just try to understand. If I took one step toward you, you’d take two steps back. It gutted me every time you let him hold your hand or hug you good-bye. Especially whenever I got close, you ran. So I came up with my brilliant plan to win you over and get you to forget all the reasons you weren’t willing to take a chance on me.”

  “You thought I didn’t want you?”

  “You’re not exactly enamored with all the baggage that comes along with me being a Montgomery. You’ve never made a secret of it, and I get it, I do. I’m everything you don’t want.”

  “Jackson-”

  “It’s okay, Claire. We both know it’s true. I’m part of the rich and entitled crowd you wouldn’t willingly give the time of day. I hoped with a little time and patience your feelings would become as strong as mine, and it wouldn’t matter so much. In the meantime, I didn’t want to mess up our friendship before we had a real chance to be something more.”

  “Well, it sounds like you had me all figured out and look how great that worked out. Do you really expect me to believe this wa
s all part of your master plan?”

  He smiled down at me, sadly. “No, of course not. I had hoped to wait and slowly show you how I feel. I had planned every single step, but I completely blew that to hell because I can’t keep my hands off you. Then, after Alice’s accident—well, you know what happened.”

  “Okay, so, before Alice’s accident, you just expected me to wait around for something I had no idea was ever going to happen?”

  “Believe me, I know how crazy that sounds. What can I say? I was a stupid eighteen year old.” His laugh dispelled some of the tension between us. “But I’ve learned from my mistakes. I want to be crystal clear with you now. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone more than I want you, Claire.”

  I shifted, sliding deeper into the heat of his eyes. Those beautiful eyes branded me to my seat, melting away any lingering desire to escape. Suddenly, all laughter, all air seemed to disappear from the stairwell. Our faces were so close. He was still doing magical things to the hand he held, and his other hand once again reached for my face.

  “Why didn’t you ever come home?”

  Jackson released a heavy sigh. “I never intended to leave and not come back. I thought Alice would recover—a week or two tops. But, months kept passing by with no change and I- I just couldn’t.”

  “Please tell me why, Jack.”

  “After everything that happened, I knew you’d never be with me as long as she wasn’t with us. I couldn’t face how badly I’d fucked things up. I couldn’t come back and live the life I had planned to share with you.”