It's All Coming Back To Me

by Michelle Marra

  “Sorry, my heart can’t be won.” I hear myself mumble and wonder if the two chatterboxes hear me. But their in-depth conversation answers my question as I move to the next station. This one was the bike, to strengthen my legs so I can begin to take some unassisted steps…hopefully soon.

  “Hey, we’ll be right back. Keep doing your exercises,” Cammie says before she and Lily walk out of the room.

  “I’m not planning on stopping,” I shout out to their retreating forms. Now I think it was definitely not a good idea to bring Lily here. I don’t want her to get all chummy with everyone, especially Sam. I definitely don’t need three chicks, plus my mother all whispering shit behind my back.

  I’m on my last set of chest presses. This is how I finish my workout every day, which usually wipes me out. It’s been over twenty minutes, and they still haven't returned which is making me nervous. However, I don’t go looking for them, what I need is a dip in the pool. Except there is no one around to help with the pool lift, so I roll my chair as close to the edge as I can and ease myself down to the floor. I scoot to the edge and assist my legs over the side to dangle in the water.

  It is warm and feels amazing against my skin. I slowly begin to kick my feet under the water. It is not an easy task, but I manage to move them, and I smile. I examine my legs, they don’t look like sticks anymore…just chicken legs, but they’re getting stronger every day. I lower myself in the pool. It feels so strange to be in here without my sling…freeing almost. I sink down under the surface for a moment and bask in the silence. Only thing I can hear is the muffled sounds of the filter and the bubbles escaping from my nose.

  It’s amazing to feel completely weightless. I spin myself around and around, astounded that I can feel my legs. Not just my legs, but everything below my waist. I feel the water swath every part of me…down to my toes. However, I want to feel it against all my skin, so I come up for air and quickly remove my shorts and sports bra, tossing them past my chair. I revel in the silkiness of the water against my skin as I dip down under the water again. My eyes open to see the bubbles, the graceful movement of the waves. It is so peaceful and serene.

  I come up for air again and scan the room. No one is around, and I figure it is a good thing I’m not drowning. Then I laugh out loud as I begin to swim casually, working my legs in conjunction with my arms slowly and skillfully. I’m amazed at how easily they’re beginning to move through the water. I want to call someone in to be a witness to what I think is something so astounding, but I want to try one more thing. See if I can push off the side if there is any strength or power in these legs beyond what I’ve seen. So I swim up to the side, place my feet against the wall and push with all my might.

  “Woohoo!” I yell out discovering there is some power in my legs. I swim to the other side to push off that wall. I yell out again in delight, and I can’t wait to strap my braces on and see how many steps I can take today. I continue to push off the side over and over, yelling each time in jubilance.

  “What are you doing?” I hear Sam’s voice behind me, and I smile.

  “What does it look like?” I say when I spin myself around to give her a full frontal view of my nakedness. At first, she looks away, maybe she thought I would try to conceal myself from her…she would be wrong. So when she looks back at me floating nonchalantly her eyes trail the length of my body. The licking of her lips brings a broad grin to my face. I want her to eat her heart out, or maybe I want her tongue between my legs. I’m not sure which…but I am enjoying watching her salivate.

  “Um…,” she clears her throat before flashing that smile. “Whew, okay.”

  I’m really enjoying the fact that she is so flustered.

  “Um, are you okay?” she asks after a few beats of silence.

  “Don’t I look okay?” I want to say join me. I remember a time we had sex in a pool, it was nothing short of incredible, and this throb between my legs begins to intensify thinking about her fingers inside me. I lick my lips, my eyes are locked on hers as I begin to graze a hand over my body, dipping a finger between my own legs. I watch her mouth drop open. My invitation couldn’t be any blunter. I want her. I want to kiss those lips, stare into those intense blue eyes…I want her to fuck me like she did back then.

  I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe that Cammie would keep Lily occupied while Sam slipped into the water to wrap her nakedness around mine. Her boots were the first to come off. She stood there in leggings with an oversized blue sweater, my mouth begins to water as my heart-rate picks up speed. I always told her she looked amazing in blue…it had a way of making her blue eyes bluer. Used to always drive me wild…I can only guess that is probably why she was wearing it now.

  The sweater is next to go. She pulls it over her head and tosses it on the floor behind her. Then she stands there in a black bra with her hands gripping the waistband of her leggings. My body was throbbing almost to a painful-need level, and when she peeled off those black leggings, my jaw drops open.

  She stood there in a black thong and bra…now it was my turn to lick my lips. The seductive stare seems to last too long as I gaze at her with my lip between my teeth and my finger tucked in my nether region. But just as she takes a step forward, I can hear voices.

  “Shit, Lily,” I say, and my focus snaps to the direction of the voices and out of the corner of my eye I see Sam scurry off with clothes in hand. Fortunately, she was able to disappear into a corner just as Cammie and Lily walk through the threshold. I can feel the heat begin to creep up my neck as a guilty smirk forms on my face.

  At first, they don’t see me until I clear my throat. Lily smiles, Cammie, on the other hand, rolls her eyes before closing the distance between us in a huff.

  “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “I’m enjoying a soak.”

  “Oh my God…are you naked?” Cammie asks as she quickly diverts her eyes.

  “Yup,” I say as I wink at Lily.

  “How in the world did you get in there?”

  “Carefully,” I say as Lily steps to the edge of the pool and is now ogling my naked form. I begin to giggle.

  “You could have injured yourself if you slipped, and you could have a major set back.”

  “Cammie, I’m fine.”

  Cammie turns to Lily who shrugs her shoulders in response.

  “Look, just go back to where ever you were, and I’ll get myself out of here. Unless you want to see me naked.”

  Cammie lets out a cocky sigh, “Fine. Go get yourself dried off. We’ll do steps in an hour.” Before she turns to walk away, she sees Sam’s boots and side eyes me. I ignore the question in her eyes and turn my attention to Lily.

  I’m so sexually charged that I am still in need when Lily and I reach my room. I usually nap between workout sessions, but that won’t be the case today. Today, I plan to take full advantage…not only of the break but of my nakedness as well.

  However, not more than ten minutes after Lily lay her naked body atop mine, I hear a gasp…not the kind of gasp that usually follows an overwhelming sentiment. No, this gasp is uttered in such a tone that it instantly gives me goosebumps and not the good kind. I knew the source of it before I even turn to look at her…my vision is slightly obstructed by Lily’s ass cheek. Unfortunately, Lily didn’t hear it. I guess her hearing is impaired since her head is dipped between my thighs.

  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be caught in such a sexual position…never did I think I would care if I was caught in the act of doing a sixty-nine. But I’m absolutely mortified. Watching the hateful scowl on Sam’s face turn into a pained expression rips through me like a wrecking ball. I pat Lily on the ass hoping to get her attention away from my nether region. It was only after I wedge my hand between my body and her mouth does she lift her head wondering why the hell I’m stopping her from the task she set out to do. I don’t know why I didn’t call out her name to get her attention, I guess I’m in complete and utter shock.

  Whe
n Lily finally does look over to see what has captured my attention, she rolls off me, jumps from the bed and runs into the bathroom. The only words which leave her throat are “Oh, shit.”

  I, on the other hand, am left exposed. I lift my leg and cross my arms over my chest in an effort to hide my nakedness. I feel like such an asshole at this moment, like the biggest piece of garbage the world has ever known.

  When I see the tear slip down Sam’s cheek, I look away. I can’t stand it any longer, I can’t bear to see the expression on her face anymore. I just hope as I stare at the wall, she will leave. Which she did do, but not before saying the words which cut me to the bone.

  “Still a bottom I see…well, I guess some things never change.” Her emphasis on the word ‘some’ make me cringe. As she passes by the bathroom, she shouts at the door, “Hey Lily, you can have the whore…she’s all yours.”

  I wince at the accusation. It’s not like I haven’t been called a whore before, but the way she says it cut me so deep I feel my own tears begin to sting my eyes.

  I immediately shuffle from my bed and wish more than anything I had the use of my legs so I can run after her. I pull a Tshirt over my head and hike a pair of sweatpants over my ass before I launch my chair out into the therapy room hot on Sam’s trail. I need to apologize, I guess for leading her on when I was in the pool earlier or maybe for being so blatantly insensitive…I’m just not sure. But as I’m about to round the corner, I stop my chair when I hear the familiar sounds of Sam’s tears.

  “You bitch!” Cammie blares out when she sees me. “How can you do this to her?”

  I instantly get my back up…she has no right to question me about Sam. “Do what? We are not a couple in case you didn’t know that Cammie.”

  “You can’t just toy with someone’s heart like that, you know she’s in love with you.”

  She doesn’t know the whole story, only Sam’s most likely tainted version. So I really want to tell her to ‘fuck off,’ but I think better of it when I glance at Sam again. By this point, Sam has pressed herself against the wall sobbing like a child. I want to remind both of them of the pain Sam caused me and I don’t owe her anything.

  “I told you I don’t care, and I told her I’m not going there again.”

  I feel Lily’s hands on my shoulders, and I really wish she wasn’t here to witness this stupid drama. But there she is ready to get the news I’ve been trying to keep hidden.

  “Oh…you won’t go there again, but you’ll sleep with her. You’ll make her believe that there is some shred of hope.”

  My eyes close as I feel Lily’s hands disappear from my shoulders. I look up just in time to see a pained expression form on her face.

  Fucking great, I say to myself.

  “Look, Cammie, not that this is any of your business…but yes, Sam and I got caught up in a moment, and I let her seduce me. I don’t know why, maybe it was the closure I needed. But it’s not love. I’m sorry Sam.” She looks at me, her hand placed over her heart, her chin quivering through the tears and double breaths. “I’m really sorry. I never meant to hurt you if you think that this is all payback or something. But I meant what I said, I won’t go there with you again. I probably won’t ever trust anyone with my heart again, especially you.”

  “What about this afternoon? Huh, what about coming on to her like you did? Did you really think she wouldn’t believe there was something more to it?” Cammie steps closer to me with an extended finger to emphasize her accusations.

  “What about this afternoon?” Lily asks, her face twists up in confusion.

  I let out a loud sigh, “Yes…okay. Yes, I came on to her…would have probably let her fuck me right there in the pool if you both hadn’t come into the room when you did. So what, this is who I am. I’m a player…a dog. I’m no body’s bitch. Sam is fucking great in the sack not to mention hot, so yeah…I would have gone for it…but it didn’t happen, okay. I moved on a long time ago…it’s time she does as well. Geez, get over yourselves.”

  I couldn’t believe what had just poured from my mouth, how truly insensitive and down-right mean I was at the moment. The three of them with dropped jaws and narrowed eyes standing there…judging me, demonizing me.

  Sam stands, pushes the tears from her eyes and slowly approaches me. I’m thinking she is getting ready to have her say or maybe spit in my face, but when she slaps me, I nearly fall out of my chair. My jaw begins to throb instantly. When I gather myself, I look up at her with a hand comforting the left side of my face. She holds my gaze for a few more minutes, and I can see it in her eyes…the heartbreak I know all so well, and my heart sinks. As much as I hate her…hated what she did to me, I hate myself more at this moment.

  When Sam walks away, Cammie follows in tow without a word, but not without giving me a look to kill. Lily, on the other hand, stood there for a moment…maybe trying to gauge her words or maybe wanting to slap me herself. This wasn’t LA, she wasn’t my normal ‘girl du jour.’ She doesn’t deserve this type of treatment.

  “I’m sorry,” I say and look away from the teary-eyed expression on her face.

  “Me too,” is all she says before walking away and leaving me to sit there.

  That night, alone in my bed I made a decision. I need to get back to being Dr. Laurel, I’m not the small town girl I used to be. I’m jaded, I’m enlightened, I’m woke…whatever you want to call it. I’m not right for this town anymore, and I’m certainly not right for a nice girl like Lily. There is no way, I will ever be that small town girl again…I don’t want to be that sappy, mealy-mouthed crybaby. I refuse to be her again.

  Chapter Fourteen

  S o now, here we are several days later, and I’m surrounded by my camera crew while having lunch with Lily at Cuzzy’s Restaurant on Bayview. We are sitting at the bar enjoying a burger, fries, and pitchers of beer. It must sound crazy considering what happened, and I know this is a selfish thing for me to say, but it was no picnic for me either. My name was mud to all who were involved. Lily left my house that day in tears, it wasn’t until a week later that she responded to my ‘I’m sorry’ text with a picture of my face in tow. She said she understood my reasoning once we spoke about the situation and asked me what she was to me. That was a hard question to answer and not sound like a cold-hearted bitch. I told her I really liked her, which was true. I told her I had fun with her, which was also true. But, I told her that we couldn’t be anything more than what we were right now. As much as I didn’t want to get into the whole Sam thing, I did, and I explained to her why I kept myself at arm's length…why I kept my heart locked away.

  The only question she asked me after that was when could she see me again. I absolutely hated when chicks would bog me down with that stupid question. However, I didn’t mind her asking because I wanted to see her again. I enjoyed her company, as well as the added bonus of her being the buffer I needed between Sam and me.

  My manager and the camera crew showed up two days after I called. Nancy Parker who has been my manager since the beginning of my career was more than thrilled when she heard my voice and the ‘okay’ to turn my life into a reality show while I get my legs back under me. Consequently, this didn’t thrill Cammie. She was none too happy to have the interruptions during my daily therapy sessions and told me she hated the circus I created and threatened to quit. I’m not sure why she hasn’t…maybe my mother or Sam is instrumental somehow.

  I haven’t seen Sam since the fateful day where I essentially fucked everything up and acted like the biggest asshole ever. I’m just happy I don’t feel like an asshole now. Cammie has seemed to have moved on, and Lily likes me again. I can’t say all is right with the world…but even just this little bit being all copacetic will have to do.

  I clear my thoughts of the past and focus my attention on the cute redhead sitting next to me wearing a wide and bright smile. We are giggling at some of the patrons in the restaurant because they don’t look happy. We were supposed to be out on the deck, but the weat
her turned on us which happens without warning sometimes here in the fall. So there was no choice but to commandeer the inside.

  The camera crew cordoned off most of the bar area making it difficult for anyone to maneuver around the large equipment. Especially since my security detail keeps barking at them to get out of the camera’s site. However, most of the staff and many of the customers were excited about the possibility of being on TV. I guess the thrill of your face on a TV show is enough to sway a lot of people.

  I’m really back in the swing of things, and I don’t even notice the cameras…but Lily does, and she continues to remark about how strange it is to have them film us when we are pretty much just chit-chatting. I tell her not to worry because this is just filler and ninety-nine percent of it won’t air unless something juicy happens.

  “How do you ever get used to this?” she asks while popping a french fry into my mouth.

  I smile and shrug my shoulders, “I don’t know…been doing it for so long, it’s like second nature to me.”

  I pour the last of the beer into Lily’s glass. I’m trying to get her a little buzzed so she will loosen up, I know my manager wants me to spice this up. After all, my fans will eventually grow tired of seeing me push my wheelchair around and take slow, clumsy steps.

  Each time I’m ready to tape a therapy session, I say a prayer of thanks that Sam doesn’t show up. I think the tension would be too palpable and I really don’t want to get into an argument while taping. Maybe Sam thinks the same thing, and it could be why she has kept her distance. I can see it now, Dr. Laurel and ‘famous ex’ have a spat. My manager would love the angle and play it up to be something it's not, and I don’t want this little show to turn into a ‘she loves me,’ ‘she loves me not’ reality show. Probably would be great for ratings, but it’s something I’m definitely not interested in doing.