Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  When Luke ended the chapter he was reading and declared it was dinner time, I was surprised at how long we’d read.

  “Damn, this book is something else,” I said as Luke walked into the kitchen, hoping he hadn’t realized that I wasn’t really into it. I leaned against the kitchen doorway to give him space as I waited to see if he had something to say.

  “I know you aren’t really into it yet,” Luke said with a small smile without looking up at me.

  “Nah, I liked it.”

  “It’s okay. I’ve been reading them since I was thirteen. I had to keep them hidden because my parents hated the books because they believed it was about wiccans and dark magic.” Luke rolled his eyes at the memory before shaking his head. “Anyway, you not being into it is actually a good thing because now I get to show you all the things about it that make it so much more than a children’s book. And I can promise you that by the time we’re done with the series, you’ll love it as much as I do.”

  “That’s a huge promise to make. How about a bet instead?”

  “What do I win?” Luke asked, completely confident in his ability to turn me into a Hogwarts loving reader.

  “Whatever you want.”

  Luke nodded thoughtfully, “I’ll decide later.”

  “If I win, that is, if I don’t fall in love with the wizarding world, you’ll bake me a batch of cookies at least twice a month for as long as we live together.” I declared and Luke chuckled.

  “Deal.”

  I’d just finished the eleventh chapter when Luke’s phone started ringing. Luke grabbed the phone and looked at the screen with a frown before saying, “Give me a minute.”

  I nodded at him and he received the call, “Hey Ma, everything okay?”

  Luke winced before slapping a palm on his forehead, “Holy shit, I totally forgot. I’m so sorry, Ma. I was reading Harry Potter with Scott and I completely lost track of time.”

  Luke chuckled, sneaking a glance at me before looking away, “Yeah. Yeah, it’s good. I’ll make it up to you later, okay? Night, Mama D. I love you.”

  He looked up at me with a sheepish grin once he was done. “I was supposed to go over at my mom’s for dinner and I completely forgot. She was not happy.”

  “You told her you were reading Harry Potter.”

  “Yeah, I did. She doesn’t think it’s a children’s book either.”

  “But,” I started, confusion seeping into my voice, “In the kitchen I thought you said your parents hated the books?”

  “Oh.” The smile disappeared from Luke’s face. “Mama D is my adoptive mom. My parents didn’t like my lifestyle choices so they kicked me out when I was seventeen.” He said with a shrug, as if it was no big deal. I’d read so many similar stories in Angie’s section in Voice Out, and I hated that so many parents around the world gave society’s opinions and their religion more importance than they gave to their kids. I didn’t know how my parents would’ve reacted since I never got to tell them, but I believed they’d have loved me regardless just like my godfather had. I wished everyone had that, like they deserved to.

  “Well, Mama D sounds like a wonderful woman.”

  “She is. I’m sure you’ll meet her soon,” Luke said and then promptly yawned. “Time to turn in, I think?”

  I nodded. “Shall we continue tomorrow, then?” I asked casually and held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

  “Of course. I’m gonna win this bet, just you see,” Luke told me with a grin before walking into the hallway and towards his room, leaving me with a huge smile on my face. Oh, the bet is definitely on.

  5 | Luke

  For the first time in years, I slept like a baby.

  Reading Harry Potter became our norm, our thing, in the next few weeks. I’d make dinner when I got back from work and after that first weekend, I even started waiting for Scott to get home so I could have it with him instead of leaving his dinner in the microwave like I used to. We didn’t talk about much, just the superficial things like our day at work and the part of the book we were on, but I still enjoyed spending time with Scott.

  Yesterday, we finished The Order of Phoenix since it was a Saturday and we basically spent the whole day reading. Spoiler Alert: Sirius dies. I’d known that, of course. And it’d still hurt just as much as the first time. But I’d been more surprised at how much it had affected Scott. He’d choked up and been unable to finish the chapter. I hadn’t asked him why, I would never push someone like that, no matter how curious I was. But he’d told me. About his parents, who had died in a car accident when he’d been a kid. Then he told me about his pops, his godfather, the man who had been everything to him. And about his death in an accidental fire at his place of employment.

  Watching Scott relive all those painful memories had made my chest hurt, and ignoring all of my issues, I’d pulled him into a hug and tried to comfort him as much as I could. I’d offered to stop reading, but he’d said that he needed to get it over with or he would just avoid reading it. So I’d read the rest of it, holding his hand with my free one. And once we were done, he’d squeezed my hand, thanked me and disappeared into his room. I’d cleaned up and done the same, but I’d spent the night worrying about him. His pain shouldn’t have affected me this badly, right? It wasn’t like I knew him all that well, so why was I already caring about him so much? Why had the thought of him hurting kept me up for most of the night?

  I scrubbed my face as the early morning light poured into my room through the window, brightening up the pale lilac walls of my room. I loved the soothing color of the walls the best, because they always made me feel peaceful, but even they couldn’t push away the anxiety that was buzzing under my skin. I’d barely gotten an hour of sleep and my head felt heavy with exhaustion. I struggled to my feet as the scent of coffee hit my nose, telling me that Scott was up too. Brushing my teeth quickly, I shuffled into the kitchen where Scott was flipping pancakes with an expertise that I definitely wasn’t jealous of. I grabbed a mug and filled it up with the life giving nectar before leaning against the counter and taking a grateful sip.

  “You’re up early,” Scott remarked with a smile, and I sighed in relief. He was feeling better if he was smiling, right? It didn’t look like a forced smile to me. My thoughts came to a freezing halt at the realization that I could already sort his smiles into categories. Hadn’t my plan been to keep him at a distance? To not care about him and just be polite enough to co-exist in peace? Then how the fuck had I ended up spending half the night worrying about his well-being instead?

  I took a deep breath to stave off the minor panic attack I could feel brewing. It was okay. We were just friends, after all. Hanging out with Scott everyday for the past month or so, I’d realized that he honestly was a kind and caring person. I couldn’t detect an evil bone in his body and maybe having him for a friend wasn’t such a bad idea.

  “More like never got around to getting a proper sleep,” I mumbled as I remembered what he’d said.

  “Oh? Was there a reason you couldn’t sleep? Or was it just one of those bouts of insomnia that hit you out of nowhere? Because I know all about them,” He said as he dished up the warm pancakes and placed them on the dining table with the syrup, honey, jam and chocolate sauce. If that didn’t scream foodie, I don’t know what did. Weekend breakfasts with Scott were always on the unhealthy side and I absolutely loved them.

  “No reason, just a good old hit of insomnia,” I answered once I’d consumed one whole pancake in just three bites.

  “Sucks. Don’t ever use sleep meds for them, though. They fuck up your sleep schedule more than they help in any way.”

  “There are way too many side-effects as well,” I added in agreement, though for me the side-effects had meant getting trapped in my nightmares and not being able to wake up. Thankfully, I hadn’t had any nightmares since I moved in a month ago, though I’d fully expected to with all the changes. I’d woken up a few times with my heart racing, but I hadn’t remembered the nightmare
s, for which I was grateful. The memories haunted me all day as it is, I’d prefer to forget the nightmares if I had the option.

  “Oh, by the way, it seems like I won’t be getting that batch of cookies twice a month,” Scott said and it took me a moment to realize that he was talking about the bet we’d made when we’d first started reading the Harry Potter books.

  “Does that mean what I think it means?” I asked with a victorious grin and Scott rolled his eyes.

  “Okay, so I may have been wrong,” Scott stated with a dramatic sniff that made me chuckle. He broke character to grin at me before bringing out his high and mighty face again.

  “Yeah? And what were you wrong about?”

  “Well, I’ve realized that Harry Potter isn’t just a children’s book. I mean, my favorite thing is that the characters grow up with each book, so you end up feeling like they’ve grown with you, especially if you read the book as a kid. Then there are the overlaying themes and all that darkness. No way would a kid’s book have that much evil and self-sacrifice. And damn, the way so many of the characters are so well fleshed out? And have their own back-stories? Wow.”

  I grinned at him as I quite pointedly dusted my hands and straightened my imaginary collar and said, “Well, my work is done. As promised, I’ve converted you into a Potterhead. And we still have two books left to read. Gee, I can’t wait to see your reaction to everything.”

  Scott stuck his tongue out at me grumpily but it only made him look adorable and I laughed. After a minute of eating quietly, he looked up at me and asked, “So, what do you want? You won the bet.”

  I mulled over it for a minute before realizing there was only one thing that I wanted. I’d enjoyed hanging out with Scott so far and I wanted to keep doing it. “Once we’re done with the Harry Potter books, I want to keep reading with you.”

  Scott stared at me a moment and I wondered if he’d say no. Had he had enough of me? Did the idea of reading more with me sound boring to him? Before my thoughts could send me into the usual spiral of anxiety and self-doubt, Scott’s face brightened with a wide smile, his brown eyes twinkling with joy, “I’d love that! But, I get to pick the next book or series.”

  “Fair enough,” I said as I felt a strange flutter in my chest. Happy. I was happy Scott wanted to continue reading with me.

  We ate the rest of our breakfast in silence except for discussing what chores we needed to get done before we could settle down with our books. I had a week worth of laundry to do while Scott needed to get the groceries. I offered to pay half of it, just now realizing that I had been eating his food without contributing anything to the groceries. How had I forgotten about that?

  “Nah, it’s fine. You cook the dinner anyway, least I can do is get the groceries.”

  “Scott, please. I know you probably earn more than me, but I need to be treated as an equal,” I swallowed, shifting my eyes to my plate as I worried that I’d said too much. He had bought everything for me, telling me it was because he cared for me so that when I realized what kind of monster he was, I had nothing of myself left with me. I couldn’t do that again, even if it was just some damn groceries. And Scott must have heard some of that in my voice because he nodded. “Alright, we’ll split it.”

  “Thanks,” I mumbled, trying to push the thoughts of him out of my head. Scott was nothing like the man who’d destroyed me, who’d broken me into pieces. Scott was nice and kind and I needed to remember that.

  “Alright. So let’s reconvene in an hour to meet and greet the Half-Blood Prince?” Scott said with a grin, making me chuckle and pull out of my thoughts. He was good at that, I realized, at making me laugh. I hadn’t noticed before but I’d laughed more since I became his roommate than I had in the whole year before that.

  After washing up, Scott headed to the grocery store while I got the laundry started. By the time he returned, the laundry was all but done and we quickly put the groceries away before moving to the couch with our books and bottles of water. We read for hours, putting together sandwiches for lunch between chapters and taking small cookie and water breaks in between. I’d just reached the end of the chapter I’d been reading when Scott’s phone rang.

  “Sorry,” Scott said, fishing out his phone from where it had ended up buried between the couch cushions.

  “Hey, Mike,” Scott said as he answered, a smile appearing on his face. Mike was his best friend, and though I hadn’t met the man, the way Scott talked about him told me he was a good person.

  “Mm-hm, yeah, yeah. Okay, let me ask Luke.” He pressed the phone against his chest and turned to me, “Mike’s cousin’s friend is in town and Mike was wondering if he could crash on our couch for tonight?”

  I opened my mouth to tell him that it was his house and he could do whatever he wanted before I realized he was asking me because he wanted to know if I’d be okay with a stranger in our space. Of course I wouldn’t, but I could deal with it. I’d finish dinner early and then stay in my room until he was gone. Simple.

  So I nodded my head and then hurried into the kitchen to start making dinner quickly. Scott ended the call after a few minutes and walked over to the kitchen and watched me for a moment from the doorway, respecting my space as always. I especially appreciated it right now because the thought of having a stranger in my safe space was making me feel a bit edgy. As if reading my mind, Scott spoke, “I can cancel.”

  I shook my head, “Nah, your friend needs a place. It’s just one night anyway, right? I’m gonna turn in early, though, if you don’t mind.”

  Scott nodded and I did just that. I was so glad my room had an attached bathroom as I washed up before donning my pajama pants and long-sleeved shirt for bed. I settled on my bed and picked up the book I’d been reading. It wasn’t from the Harry Potter series and I didn’t think I’d ever read it with Scott since it was a gay romance and I couldn’t see that happening. But Lane and Felix were characters who always made me laugh and I’d re-read the book many times, especially when I was having a bad day. So I settled back into my pillows and chuckled as Felix made his plans for kidnapping another animal into his family.

  I wasn’t too surprised when I woke up from a dream I couldn’t remember—or maybe it had been a nightmare—and saw that it was just a few minutes past 3 a.m. Maybe I could make some tea and continue reading while I waited for sleep to greet me again. It was what I usually did on nights I couldn’t sleep and so with that thought in mind, I went into the kitchen and started the kettle, grabbing my box of teabags from the cabinet. I didn’t turn on the lights because the night lights were enough to guide me, and I’d learned that Scott was a light sleeper and I didn’t want to wake him. But a minute later I wished I had turned them on because just then, I felt a presence behind me. I knew it wasn’t Scott, mainly because he always stayed in the doorway unless I invited him in when I was in the kitchen and because he would never try to scare me like that. I slowly turned off the kettle, my mind going into overdrive as panic clawed its way into my mind. Was it a burglar? Or someone else? Did they want to hurt me?

  I went to turn away and suddenly, there he was, pressing me into the counter. And then I was back in his house, in his kitchen and he was pressing me against the counter. I knew what was going to happen next. He would pull my pants down and force himself into me, without warning and he’d fuck me hard relishing my pain as he threatened to push my fingers into whatever appliance was the closest if I didn’t enjoy myself too. This couldn’t be happening. I’d left him. I’d escaped.

  “Hey, baby,” the man whispered in my ear and it was his voice, the scent of his alcoholic breath threatening to make me dizzy. No, no, no. I couldn’t let that happen. Not again. Not again.

  My eyes fell on the knife lying on the cutting board and I grabbed it, pushed the man away and whirled around to face him, pointing the knife at his face even as my hand shook. I tried to make my voice firm as I said, “Stay away from me.”

  The man’s eyes fell on the knife in my hand and he rais
ed his hands above his head, staring at me with wide eyes. “Chill dude, I was just trying to have some fun, Freak.”

  He shook his head and walked away and then he was gone. It was only then that I remembered about the guy Scott had offered the couch to and realized it must’ve been him. But I didn’t have the energy to process what that meant. I jumped when I heard the front door slam shut and dropped the knife before sinking to my knees. I shuffled away from the knife, stuffing myself into a corner between the counter and the wall. I curled my arms around my knees, my eyes on the knife, the panic rushing through my body like a tornado as I shuddered.

  It had been almost six months since I’d cut. I hadn’t felt this strong an urge to do it for months. But I needed it now. I needed it to release this tornado, this pain, this fear and hurt and anxiety that was brewing inside me. I needed to get it out, out, out before it drowned me. I felt like I’d burst into a million pieces if I didn’t let it all out myself.

  I’d been so good about it for so long. I didn’t want to start again. But I needed it. It wouldn’t be as clean with a knife, though. Maybe I could go into the bathroom, grab a blade. But I didn’t think I could move, not even enough to grab the knife that was lying just a few steps away. I tried to breathe through it, to think about something else, anything that could keep me from drowning in this overwhelming storm of emotions.

  Scott. What would Scott do? He didn’t know anything about my past. Though I knew he could see that I was broken, but I didn’t want him to see just how fucked up I was. But if he found me bleeding in the kitchen—or if he saw what I did to myself—he’d know.

  It was that thought that finally gave me the strength to stick my foot out and kick the knife away, out of my line of sight. Because I couldn’t bear to see that look of pity and disgust and horror on his face. Couldn’t bear for him to avoid me, to not talk to me. To be repulsed by me. To hate me.