Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t.

  6 | Scott

  I woke up at six-thirty like every day, stretching my arms above my head as I sat up. I loved this time of the day, when the sun was just peeking above the horizon and my room was lit in the faint glow of the dawn light. I’d gone to bed a lot later than usual yesterday since Dylan, the guy I’d lent our couch to had arrived just shy of midnight, drunk off his ass. I had wanted to send him away right then, not wanting him anywhere in our house or near Luke, but I’d made a promise. I hoped he was already gone, even though it was highly unlikely.

  Freshening up, I made my way to the kitchen, debating whether Luke would prefer some pancakes or eggs and bacon for breakfast. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Dylan was indeed gone when I walked into the living room. He could’ve been in the bathroom except his bag was gone too, so I didn’t think so. Thank god for small mercies.

  I walked into the kitchen and frowned, coming to a stop just inside the doorway. Something was off. My eyes immediately fell on the knife lying in the middle of the kitchen floor. Who the fuck dropped the knife there?

  Shaking my head, I walked over to the knife and knelt down to pick it up. That’s when my eyes fell on Luke. Somehow, he’d stuffed himself in the narrow space between the counter end and the wall. His eyes were trained on a spot near his feet and he wasn’t moving at all. I might not have even noticed him if I hadn’t knelt down. What the hell was going on?

  Standing up, I placed the knife on the counter before approaching him. I tried to be as noisy as I could so I wouldn’t startle him but he paid me no attention as if he wasn’t even in the room. I knelt in front of him, and still, he didn’t move.

  Cautiously, I placed my hand on his knee, shaking gently, “Luke?”

  His eyes snapped to mine, widening slightly before he started shaking and looked away again, as if he couldn’t bear to meet my eyes. “Come on, let’s get you out of here,” I urged gently, getting to my feet with my hands gripping his shoulders so I could pull him up with me even as I tried to figure out what had happened. Had something spooked him? Had he had a panic attack or something?

  Luke stumbled as he stood up and I knew he’d been there for a long time by his unsteadiness. What the hell had happened? It seemed like that was the only thing running through my head at the moment. That and the fact that I needed to take care of Luke.

  I led him to the couch and made him settle down, grabbing the throw blanket and wrapping it around him. “I’ll make you some tea, okay?” I decided to give him some privacy, just in case. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I stay with him? Should I leave him alone? Tea was a good idea, right?

  He didn’t say anything, so I walked back into the kitchen. There was water in the kettle and Luke’s tea box was lying open on the counter. Had Luke come here to make tea, then? What went wrong?

  Shaking off the questions bubbling up in my mind, I put the kettle on again and chose the lemon and honey tea to make. I’d seen Luke make it for himself on the days that his eyes got this haunted look in them, when they turned to smoky gray from their usual bright shade. He didn’t know I noticed when he was having a bad day, but I did. In the past few weeks, I’d started recognizing his tells pretty well.

  When the tea was done, I grabbed some of his cookies to go with it and walked into the living room. Luke was exactly where I’d left him, curled up into a corner of the couch, his eyes squeezed shut and his hands clutching the blanket tightly in his fists.

  “Here, drink some tea. It’s honey and lemon.” He looked up at me then, though his face remained expressionless. He released the blanket slowly and took the cup from me, immediately taking a sip and closing his eyes. A shudder went through him but when he opened his eyes, they looked a tad calmer, though they still had that haunted look in them, the dark circles underneath only highlighting his pain even further.

  I took a seat in the armchair, not wanting to crowd him. “Did something happen, Luke?” I asked softly, itching to touch him, to pull him into my arms and protect him from whatever demons haunted him but I didn’t. He didn’t need that right now.

  He looked at me again, and this time, I could see something in his eyes. Fear, anxiety and something else.

  He opened his mouth and then cleared his throat. He took another sip of his tea, closing his eyes. With his eyes still closed, he said, “I’m not usually that jumpy. Last night…I don’t know what happened.”

  I chewed my lower lip, a habit I’d apparently picked up from him. I’d known something had happened to him. Something that had dulled the spark I saw more and more of in his eyes. But what?

  “I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d make some tea and read for a bit. I forgot...I forgot that you had a guest over. I would’ve stayed in my room if I’d remembered. I’m...I’m not so good with strangers.”

  Did Dylan do something to him? My hands clenched into fists and I wanted to ask him but I stopped myself. I needed to let him talk at his own pace, to take his time.

  “I was looking for the tea and then I felt him in the room. I turned off the kettle, thought I’ll just go to bed and then…he was there. H-He grabbed me from behind and I lost it. I was so scared. And I pushed him away and grabbed the knife. I told him to stay away and then he left...but I couldn’t move and I just…” He drifted off with a shrug and it took everything in me to push that anger away. I pushed away the part of me that wanted to find Dylan and beat the crap out of him for doing that to Luke. But I’d deal with Dylan later. Right now, I needed to be there for Luke.

  “I’m so sorry, Lu.” The nickname slipped out unintentionally but I let it go, hoping he wouldn’t mind.

  He frowned at me, shaking his head, “It’s not your fault.”

  “But it is. I won’t let anyone stay here from now on, I promise. Mike can lend his own damn couch if he wishes.”

  Luke shook his head again, “This is your home, you can do whatever you want.”

  “This is your home too, Luke. And you should be able to feel safe in your home.”

  Luke stared at me for a moment, before his eyes shuttered and he whispered, his voice cool, calm and absolutely scary in its lack of emotions, “What do you want from me?”

  My eyebrows scrunched together as I tried to figure out what he meant. “What do you mean?”

  “Making me breakfast, spending all that time with me reading, caring for me,” He waved the teacup in emphasis. “Why are you doing all this? What do you want from me?” The matter-of-fact way he asked the question, as if he expected me to have an ulterior motive hit me hard. My heart broke a little at the thought that this beautiful man had never had anyone care for him just for the sake of his well being. That he expected everyone who did something nice for him to have a motive. What kind of hell had he survived through? What kind of hell was he still living in?

  I couldn’t deny that it hurt a bit, though, that he thought that of me after all the time we’d spent together. Didn’t he know me by now? Didn’t he understand that I wanted him to be happy because he was my friend? How could he think that about me?

  “Luke.” My voice was rough and I cleared my throat to push the lump away. “You’re my friend, whether you consider me yours or not. I don’t have any other motive than to want my friend to be happy, Luke,” I said with a shrug. I’d wanted to befriend him from the moment I met him. Sure, at first it’d mostly been curiosity over this strange, beautiful boy, but now that I knew him better, I wanted that friendship so much more. A part of me would’ve liked to be more, I imagined, but if friendship was all he could give me, then I’d take it happily.

  He stared at me for a long moment, as if trying to figure out if I really meant it. I met his stare head-on, letting him see the honesty in mine. “You promise?”

  I nodded, “I just want to be your friend, Luke. I promise.”

  He nodded once as if satisfied with my answer and grabbed a cookie. He broke it in half and extended a piece towards me. “Friends
, then.”

  I smiled at him as I took the cookie, nodding my head, “Friends.”

  7 | Luke

  The moment I was done with my tea, I escaped the room with an excuse to grab a shower. I needed time to catch up with everything that had happened. I hadn't had an episode like that in a long time, and it had scared the shit out of me.

  I grabbed a change of clothes and rushed into the shower, closing the door behind me and locking it. Once I was standing under the warm water, I finally let myself think, process through everything as the warm water worked to wash the stress out of my muscles.

  I hated that I'd let my fear and anxiety hurt Scott. He'd tried to hide it, but I'd seen the hurt in his eyes when I'd accused him of wanting something from me. The worst thing was, I hadn't even meant it. Not really. These past few weeks, I've gotten to know Scott and realized that he really was a nice, kind person.

  I mean, dealing with me wasn't easy, and yet he did it so splendidly every time, without any complaints. He had somehow managed to become someone I cared about and now I’d ended up hurting me by letting my anxiety talk for me.

  I wasn't an easy person to care about, I knew that. I mean, the only people who did care about me were a woman who was used to dealing with people like me, a woman who was even more prickly than me and a guy who could befriend a stone. And yet, Scott cared about me. And what had I done in return? Hurt him.

  I shook my head as the water warmed me, but it couldn't reach the chill I felt inside me at the thought of what had happened yesterday. I'd come so close to cutting myself. The only reason I hadn't done it was that I'd been too drained to reach for the knife. What would have happened if I hadn't dropped the knife? I shuddered at the thought, my eyes closing of their own accord as I pressed my forehead against the cool shower wall.

  "Luke? You okay?" Scott's voice on the other end of the door made me jerk and slip on the wet floor before I grabbed the shower knob to keep from falling.

  Clearing my throat I called out, "Yeah, be out in a minute." I guessed I'd lost track of time. Groaning low in my throat, I rubbed my face and turned off the shower, dressing up in another long-sleeved shirt and sweatpants. I didn't think I had the mental energy to go to work today and I was sure Mama D would understand.

  Wringing out my hair and drying it as best I could, I lightly combed through them and left them to air dry. Once I was in my room, I grabbed my phone and texted my boss a.k.a. my adoptive mom.

  Me: Hey, Mama D. I'm not feeling so well. Will it be okay if I don't come in today? I can ask one of the juniors to temp in my place?

  Her reply was immediate and made me smile.

  Boss Mama: Hey, hon. Take care and let me know if you need anything. Maybe some soup? I could bring it over later? And don't worry about work, I'll take care of it.

  Me: Nah, it's okay. I'm taking a mental health day. Don't stress yourself. <3

  Boss Mama: Don't tell your ma what to do, young man. Now, how about some homemade ice cream then?

  Me: *gasp* How can I say no?

  Boss Mama: Correct answer. See you in the evening. Take care. I love you.

  Me: Love you too, Mama D!

  My heart warmed at how much Mama D cared for me. Considering the fact that she had hundreds of kids like me calling her Ma, it was a wonder how she could make each one of us feel special and cherished.

  Dropping my phone on the bed, I took a deep breath before heading out, knowing I needed to apologize for my words and tell Scott just how much his friendship meant to me.

  Scott wasn’t in the living room and for a moment I thought he’d left for work. Strangely, the thought disappointed me when I’d expected to feel relief at not having to face him. But before I could think too much about it, Scott’s voice called out from the kitchen, “Breakfast is ready!”

  Taking a deep breath, I walked into the kitchen, smiling when I saw the pancakes and the assortment of syrups. It just went to show how well Scott got me, since he’d made my favorite weekend breakfast on Monday just to make me feel better.

  “Come on, eat up before they get cold.” Scott plated the pancakes before setting them on the table.

  We ate in silence and I spent the meal trying to build up the courage to apologize and say what I needed to. Just as Scott was getting up with his empty dish, I found the words, “Wait!”

  Scott sat back in his seat and looked at me, the warmth in his brown eyes giving me the strength to speak, “Scott, I’m so sorry about what I said before. I swear I didn’t mean it. I trust you. You’re one of the few people I know would never hurt me. I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean it. Sometimes, when I’ve had an episode or a bad day, my thoughts are all jumbled and I let my anxiety speak for me. What I said, it was a reflection of me, not you. I’m so-”

  “Luke,” Scott’s voice interrupted my monologue and I looked up at him from where my eyes had drifted to stare at my empty plate. “Luke, it’s okay. Sure, I was a bit hurt when you first said it, because I expected you to know me better than that. But then I realized you didn’t really mean it, so it doesn’t matter. I don’t know what happened to you and I don’t need you to tell me unless you want to, but I want you to know that I’d never intentionally hurt you, okay?”

  I nodded, my throat too clogged up to answer just yet. I didn’t want to tell Scott everything. Maybe one day I’d want to, but for now, this was all I could bring myself to say, “I-I was in a bad relationship. It left it’s scars.” Both emotional and physical, I added in my mind.

  Scott nodded without saying anything before walking over to my side of the table. Slowly, he took a hold of my hand and pulled me to my feet before pulling me into a warm hug. I froze, because the only person who ever really hugged me was Mama D and this hug was so very different but just as full of warmth and that sense of security I always craved. It took me a moment to get comfortable with it but once I did, I sank into his warm embrace and let my forehead rest on his shoulder as I curled my arms around his waist. He squeezed me once before speaking softly, “I’m sorry you had to go through that. The asshole clearly didn’t know how precious you are.”

  I snorted and he pulled back a little to look me in the eyes. “I guess you don’t know it either.” His voice was musing and I looked away because he didn’t know. I wasn’t precious or beautiful or whatever else he thought I was. I was damaged, messed-up and so fucking broken. I pulled away from him but he held my hands in his until I looked up at him. “You are beautiful, Luke and I’m going to make you realize that someday.” I had half a mind to show him all my scars and prove him wrong, but I’d just found him and I wasn’t going to do anything that could make me lose this friendship.

  I pulled at my hands and this time, he let me go. I quickly grabbed the dishes and carried them to the sink for something to do. “Don’t you need to get ready for work?” I said, suddenly feeling awkward.

  “Oh, no. Mike gave me a day off because I worked overtime all of last week.” Something made me suspect that wasn’t the reason—or the only reason—he had a day off but I didn’t comment on it because a part of me was pleased that he cared about me so much.

  “I have a day off, too. Though my mom’s gonna visit this evening. I hope that’s okay with you?” Scott was back to leaning against the doorway as I cleaned up, and it made me smile as I wiped the counter-top.

  “Of course! I’d love to meet the infamous Mama D.”

  I grinned at his words and looked up at him, “She’s an awesome woman. We all lucked out when she found us.”

  “We?”

  “Yeah. Me, Angie and all the hundreds of kids she has adopted over time.” I chuckled as Scott’s eyes widened and he squeaked out, “Hundreds?”

  “Do you know the name Delilah Sparks?”

  “Of course. The woman who runs the Voice Out NGO and the magazine you work for, right?” Scott’s voice told me he hadn’t guessed it yet, so I waited for a beat before nodding.

  “That’s our Mama D.”

  “
Oh.” Scott’s mouth stayed open in surprise for a few beats before he closed it. “Damn, I’ve seen some of her speeches and events. She’s a fucking hurricane.”

  I grinned as I finished loading the dishwasher and washed my hands. “Yep. She’s bringing me her homemade ice cream too. It’s better than my cookies.”

  Scott’s eyes took a faraway look and I was almost surprised when no drool dripped out of his slightly open mouth. He shook his head before looking at me and focusing his puppy dog stare on me, “You’ll share with your new best friend, won’t you?”

  “Hey, now. I agreed to friends. Best friends is pushing it,” I warned him even as I grinned. I sighed happily as we headed into the living room, grabbing our copies of Harry Potter without even having to discuss reading it.

  Mama D arrived later that evening and I wasn't surprised to see Angie with her, knowing Mama D must've asked her to tag along in case I needed someone to talk to. I knew usually I would’ve been in a much worse state after last night, but spending the day with Scott reading my favorite book had helped me ground myself so much and I was almost back to normal by the time they arrived.

  “Hey, Ma,” I said as I hugged her, giving her a smile so she’d know I was okay.

  “Hey, Angie, come on in.” I gave her a fist bump because she was too cool for a hug. Her words, not mine.

  I led them to the living room where Scott was waiting. He looked kinda nervous and that confused me for a moment before I shook it off. He’d said he was a fan of Mama D’s, so I guessed that was the reason he looked so weird.

  “Ma, this is Scott, my roommate. Scott, this gorgeous woman is our mother.”

  “Hello, ma’am. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Scott extended his hand for a handshake, a mistake I’d made the first time I met her, too. One I’d realized when she’d pulled me in a warm hug like she did with Scott now.

  “Psh. You call me Mama D or Ma. That’s all the options you get.” She ordered, the Spanish lilt in her voice showing through for a second. With her petite form, black curls, warm brown skin and dark eyes, Mama D gave off a motherly vibe that you could sense from a mile away. There was no way a person could hug her and not feel like they were being hugged by their mother, which was what made every single kid at the NGO look up to her with awe and love, me included.