Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  “Luke, come here.” Luke walked over to me and since I was still sitting I had to look up at him to meet his eyes. “Do you want to sleep here tonight?”

  I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to, but he didn’t know how to ask. Sometimes, he was so sweet and cheerful and then there were times like this when he was vulnerable and unsure. I wanted nothing more than to pull him in beside me and hold him close as he slept.

  I shuffled backwards before patting the bed. “You can sleep here, if you want.”

  His eyes widened a bit and I realized he may be uncomfortable sharing a bed with me, even if he did trust me.

  “Or you can take the bed and I’ll sleep on the couch,” I told him, pointing to the small couch that we both knew I wouldn’t fit in.

  “N-no, it’s okay. I should…” He waved towards the doorway and tried to step back but I grabbed his hand before he could.

  “Luke, you trust me, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Do you think I’d do anything that makes you uncomfortable or try to hurt you in any way?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then come here and sleep on the bed with me. I’d like to hold you but only if you want me to.”

  He stared at me for a moment before climbing into the bed. Carefully, he placed Tressa between our pillows and she meowed in thanks before burying her face into the pillows and escaping into dreamland. I envied cats’ ability to fall asleep whenever they wanted to.

  Luke lay down on the bed, and I could tell he was stiff as a board. “Should I leave the lights on?”

  “No, it’s okay.” Luke said softly, and I leaned over him to turn off the lamp. Once I was lying down again, I placed my hand in the middle of the bed, palm up and closed my eyes.

  It was a few minuted before Luke placed his hand into mine and I smiled before squeezing it softly. And that was how we fell asleep. And just like that night at the cabin, I fell into a deep sleep with Luke beside me.

  Over the course of the next couple of weeks, Luke pretty much moved into my room. For the first few days, he’d climb into my bed after a nightmare had woken him, but after that I managed to convince him to just come to bed with him. We’d still fall asleep holding hands, but every time I woke up, I’d find Luke curled up against me with his head on my chest. Sleeping with me seemed to help him calm down when he woke up since he wasn’t alone, but the nightmares were still there and I hated watching him feel so much pain night after night. And on the bad days, the nightmares seemed to bring forth horrible memories too. He’d ended up puking his dinner into the toilet more than a few times. I wanted to help him get better, but I wasn’t sure how. I’d talked to Mike about it a couple of times, just telling him that Luke had nightmares a lot. He’d told me that seeing a therapist might help, and I’d realized he was right. Now I just needed to bring it up to Luke without him taking it the wrong way. I looked up at him as he sat across from me at the table, sipping his coffee.

  Chewing my lip, I asked Luke, “Do you think seeing someone would help with the nightmares?”

  He looked up at me with a raised brow and I clarified, “A therapist, I mean.”

  Luke’s fingers tightened around his mug instantly and he looked away from me, his jaw locking and his whole body stiffening as if he was steeling himself for a fight. “I don’t want to see a therapist.”

  “But-”

  “Drop it, Scott.” He was up and dumping his coffee into the sink and out of the room before I could say another word. The door to his room—the room he’d barely been in for more than ten minutes for the past couple of weeks—slammed shut and I slumped into my seat. I hadn’t meant to upset him. I didn’t even know why he was upset. Surely, he knew seeing someone could only help?

  When he walked out of his room ten minutes later, dressed for work, I was still sitting in the chair. I quickly stood up and walked over to him. He stopped walking towards the door but wouldn’t look at me as he shuffled his feet.

  “Luke, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want to help you get better, that’s all. I-”

  “I should’ve known better,” Luke whispered, cutting me off. He looked up at me then, and his eyes were dark and smoky and full of tears as he glared at me. “I’m not your pet project, Scott. You can’t make me better. You can’t-”

  I opened my mouth to interrupt but he kept talking, “You can’t heal me, you can’t. I’m-I’m broken and fucked-up and I know it. And I told you I was. I told you before-before we started this. If you can’t deal with it, deal with me, then I’ll move back to my room. Hell, I’ll move out of this house if that’s what you want. I am not your charity case. You can’t make me all better, Scott, you-”

  “Goddammit, Luke!” I snapped to stop him from spouting more bullshit. I regretted shouting immediately, but the damage was already done. The tears Luke had been trying to stop spilled over and he turned away from me before rushing out the door.

  “Shit!” I cursed before racing after him.

  “Luke, wait!” I called as he ran down the hallway towards the elevator. I caught up to him just before he pressed the button to call the lift and grabbed his arm. It was like he gave up the fight the moment I grabbed his arm because it was all I could do not to tumble to the floor as he slumped forward as if he’d lost all control of his body.

  I let him sit down before falling to my knees before him. I tried to touch his arm but he shied away from me, shuffling backwards until he was pressed against the hallway wall. I didn’t try to touch him again, but I moved just a bit closer.

  “Luke, please.” I whispered, my own eyes threatening to tear up. Why had I pushed him? I should’ve listened to him and dropped it when he’d told me to, but no, I had to push him.

  He didn’t react in any way, just kept staring at the floor with his arms curled tightly around his legs, much like how I’d found him in the kitchen all those months ago. I would never forgive myself for doing this to him, for being the one who hurt him.

  “Luke, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I want you to get better, of course I do. But only because I hate watching you hurt every time you wake up from a nightmare. I don’t care how many times you wake me up. But it breaks my heart to watch you trying not to cry, to see you fight so hard to keep the memories at bay every single night. I want to help you, but it doesn’t have anything to do with me. I want you to get better because I care about you and watching you hurting makes my heart hurt too. Please Lu, I’m sorry.”

  He stared at me for a few moments, as if trying to figure out if I really meant it, before jumping into my arms. Since I wasn’t expecting it, I fell back, my shoulders slamming against the floor. But I didn’t pay it much attention as Luke buried his face in my neck and cried, mumbling “I’m sorry” over and over again.

  I rubbed his back as I tried to calm him, “Shh, its okay, baby. We’re fine.”

  Before I could say anything else, the elevator pinged and the doors opened. I looked up to see one of my neighbors looking at us with wide eyes. Luke froze in my arms and I gave her an apologetic smile. She nodded at me once before tiptoeing around us and heading towards her apartment.

  “It’s okay, she’s gone. Wanna head inside?” Luke nodded and moved away from me. I grabbed his hand as I sat up, not wanting him to escape again. I winced as he pulled me up. I’d probably have bruises soon, but at the moment, Luke was all that mattered. Once we were both standing, I used my free hand to wipe his tears away. I pressed a soft kiss against his forehead before leading him back to our apartment.

  Once inside, I closed the door behind me and pulled Luke into a tight hug, wanting him to know that I cared about him. “You are not a pet project. You are my boyfriend, and I care about you a lot.”

  “I’m sorry I said that. Sometimes...when I’m anxious or panicked, these...dark thoughts fill my head. They always sound like his voice and they tell me things, bad things about myself. I try to ignore them, but sometimes I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  I rubb
ed his back as he sobbed against my chest, wishing there was a way I could take all of his pain away. “Will you tell me why you don’t want to see a therapist?”

  “I want to get better,” He mumbled against my chest, his tears creating a wet spot on my shirt. “I really do.”

  He took a deep breath, looking up at me with teary eyes before burrowing his face in the crook of my neck, “I went to a therapist last year, after I was out of the hospital. He worked for the NGO. He seemed like a nice guy and he was quite older than me. I thought I could trust him. After a few sessions, he asked me if...if I’d considered having sex with anyone.”

  I squeezed him once to tell him I was listening, already dreading where this was going. Why did the most horrible things happen to the best of people?

  “When I told him no, he said it was because I had only bad memories of sex. I guess he was right about that.” He let out a chuckle that was anything but happy. “And then he told me that the simplest way to get over that hang-up was to have sex with someone who’d be gentle a-and care for me. And then he told me he’d be only too happy to be that person for me.” He’d switched back to that monotone he used sometimes when talking about his past and I knew it was a way for him to separate himself from what had happened.

  “Oh, Luke…”

  He nodded against my neck, “I panicked so badly I woke up in the hospital an hour later. The therapist told them it was because I’d been reliving some really bad memories. Before he left, he told me no one would believe me because I was just a homeless guy and he was a reputed therapist.”

  “Oh god, Luke, that was awful. But I’m pretty sure Mama D would’ve believed you.”

  “She did. She lodged a complaint against him, but there wasn’t much they could do because he didn’t really do anything.”

  “That’s horrible. But honey,” I pulled away so I could look into his now red-rimmed eyes, “You know not every therapist is like that, right?”

  “I know that, Scott. But I trusted this guy for weeks and then suddenly he turned on me like that. And he knew everything about me already. It was scary. And I was in that room with him, alone. I wasn’t sure if I could get out.” Luke shook his head. “I was so scared, Scott. Almost as scared as I’d been when I lived with him.”

  I held his face in my palms, and looked into his eyes as I said, “You trust me, right?”

  “More than I’ve ever trusted anyone.”

  “Thank you for giving me your trust, Lu. It means the world to me and I promise I will never break it, okay?”

  Luke nodded, and the trust that shone in his usually wary eyes almost made me cry, “So let me do something for you. How about I look around and find a trustable therapist? Would you feel better if it was a female therapist?”

  “I guess.”

  I nodded, “Okay, so I’ll look for a female therapist. And if you want, I’ll come with you to the sessions too. You’ll be alone with her, yes, but you’ll also know that I’ll be sitting right outside that door waiting for you. Would that help?”

  Luke nodded, biting his lower lip, “You’d do that for me?”

  I smiled softly, “Baby, I’d do anything for you.”

  Luke smiled a shy, soft smile and then he was kissing me, his hands curled around my neck and his lips so soft around mine. I sighed against his lips, happy in this little bubble of ours.

  He leaned back after a moment and looked up at me, “Can I think about it for a few days?”

  “Take as long as you need, Lu. Tell me when you’re ready and I’ll find someone, okay?”

  Luke nodded and hugged me again and I knew that everything would be okay.

  19 | Luke

  I couldn’t believe I’d almost ruined everything between me and Scott because of an argument. I didn’t want the dark thoughts to keep ruining everything for me, I wanted to get better. But every time I thought about seeing a therapist, my body froze up and my heart started thundering in my chest. How could I go for therapy when even the thought of it was enough to give me a panic attack?

  I packed up my stuff and waved to my co-workers as I headed for the elevator, ignoring my anxiety in favor of wondering what I’d make for dinner tonight. My phone buzzed just as I was stepping into the elevator and I smiled when I saw Scott’s name on the screen.

  Scott: Where r u?

  Luke: Just leaving work, why?

  Scott: Don’t make dinner & b ready. I’ll pick u up in 30.

  Luke: Where are we going?

  Scott: Surprise. It’s Date No. 2.

  Luke: Ugh.

  Scott: You’ll have fun, I promise.

  The elevator pinged as it opened into the lobby and I stepped out, stuffing my phone in my pocket. I used the bus ride home to puzzle out where he might take me. I’d told him the last time that it’d be tough to top that date since I got an adorable kitten at the end of it, even though it hadn’t technically been a part of his date. What did he have planned for tonight?

  Once home, I showered and dressed in a pair of jeans, a black t-shirt and my favorite gray hoodie. While I waited for Scott to arrive, I headed into the kitchen, Tressa trailing me with her usual limp. Every time I saw her limping around, I wanted to pick her up and carry her around, but both Dr. Hannigan and Scott had reprimanded me repeatedly because she needed to get used to walking like that. They said she couldn’t feel her bad leg, so it didn’t hurt her, but watching her limp around like that hurt me.

  In order to stop myself from picking her up, I poured some kitten food into her bowl and grinned as she raced over to it, bad leg and all, and started gobbling it up. I chuckled to myself as the front door opened and Scott walked in. I stepped out of the kitchen to greet him and he smiled when he spotted me.

  “Hey, Lu! Give me ten and I’ll be showered and ready, okay?”

  I gave him a thumbs up and he rushed off into his room. Fifteen minutes later, he was back, dressed in a pair of dark, fitting jeans and navy blue t-shirt that showed off his well toned body. He walked over to me until he stood right before me and gave me his usual warm smile. “Hey.”

  “Hi.” My voice was almost a whisper as I looked up at him, losing myself in those warm brown eyes of his.

  “That hoodie looks amazing on you. Matches your eye color perfectly.”

  I blushed as I always did when he complimented me like that and ducked my head but he was quick to grip my chin and nudge it up to meet his eyes. He leaned forward and softly pressed his lips against mine, silently handing over the reins of the kiss to me. I curled my arms around him, my hands running across his back over his shirt as I kissed him, my tongue tracing his lips but not going any further. I knew Scott would never push me, but I also knew that if I went further I’d try to push myself and I wasn’t ready for that. So I caressed his lips softly with mine, my hands exploring his body over the safety of his clothes before we both separated, breathing heavily as we tried to catch our breaths.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Uh, to the-” He started to say before stopping himself and glaring at me without heat. “Oh no, you’re not using that kiss to get information out of me.”

  He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead before grabbing my hand and tugging. “Let’s go.”

  Tressa meowed at me so I leaned down to pick her up and give her some kisses before carefully placing her on the couch where she immediately curled up and fell asleep. Oh, to be a cat.

  I took Scott’s hand and gave him a smile. “Now we can go.”

  All through the drive, I quizzed him on where we might be going but he wouldn’t tell me, no matter how much I sweet-talked or tried to bribe him with cookies. But in a way, I was glad he didn’t tell me because when I finally realized where we were headed, the excitement that overtook me had me shuffling in my seat in my eagerness to get there.

  “We’re going to the carnival?” I was almost squealing as I asked, a giddy grin on my face.

  “Yep. I found out today’s the last day they’re in town. I didn�
�t even know they were here or we would’ve gone earlier.”

  “Better late than never. God, I can’t even remember when I went to a carnival last time. Maybe when I was like, six.”

  Scott grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze as we reached the parking lot that was almost full of cars and mini-vans. We got out and Scott extended his hand, a question in his eyes, letting me choose what I wanted to do. I smiled at him before taking his hand in mine and twining our fingers. I probably wouldn’t have done that with anyone else, but Scott always made me feel safe. He made me brave enough to want to be myself without fear of others.

  “Shall we?”

  I grinned at him before leading the way into the carnival. My eyes widened as I looked around in wonder. The sun had almost set, so most of the stalls had their lights on, and so did the different rides, lighting up the area in a rainbow of colors. My eyes flitted from a cotton candy stand to a stall showcasing things made from wood to a claw-foot game to an archery one as I tried to figure out what I wanted to do first.

  “How about we grab some snacks before deciding what we wanna do?” Scott asked and I nodded, glad that I didn’t need to decide because frankly, I was just a tiny bit overwhelmed from all the things I wanted to do.

  “Hot dogs or cotton candy?” Scott asked me with a raised eyebrow.

  “What kind of choice is that?” I stared at him like he was crazy and he grinned.

  “How about we get hot dogs for now and then we’ll see about the cotton candy later?”

  “Sounds good.”

  So we got some hot dogs and ate them as we looked around at all the stalls. My eyes fell on the wood stall again and once I was done, I pointed it out to Scott. “I wanna check that place out.”

  “Come on, then.” Scott dumped his wrapper and tissues before taking my hand again.

  The wood stall was manned by a buff looking guy with a shaved head and beard. I’d have been intimidated by his looks if it weren’t for the bright smile on his face as he greeted the customers.