Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  “Hello, there! Take a look around, do you see something you’d like?” The guy said he waved his hand over his wares.

  There was everything from wooden pens to pen holders to baskets full of toys showcased around. Though the thing that caught my attention was a couple of hollow wooden wind chimes hanging above us. I fell in love with them as soon as I saw them.

  I tapped one of the chimes softly and it tinkled softly as the chimes hit each other. The wood had been painted in different colors of the rainbow and since there were six chimes, it ended up looking like the pride flag, or maybe that was the intention. Whatever it may be, I knew I needed to have this beauty.

  “This is beautiful. How much is it?”

  The man smiled at my choice and gave me a thumbs up, “That’s one of my favorite pieces. It’s thirty dollars per piece and that’s the last one I have in stock.”

  “Let me get it.” Scott offered as he pulled out his wallet and I frowned.

  “I can get it, Scott.”

  “I know you can, Lu. How about you treat me to something else later? We’ll be putting it in our house anyway.”

  I huffed but relented, knowing he wouldn’t let me win anyway. Even though I trusted Scott implicitly, I didn’t want him to be buying me stuff, because that’s what he did in the beginning, too. He bought me gifts and treats and I stupidly thought that he did it because he cared for me. I knew Scott did it because he really did care about me but my brain kept insisting that he didn’t. And I knew not to believe those thought but they made me uneasy nonetheless.

  “Hey, you can pay me back if it bothers you so much.” Scott’s soft voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I realized we’d already walked away from the stall, with a paper bag in Scott’s hand that probably held the wind chime.

  I sighed before rubbing my face. I did not want to ruin this date with the dark thoughts or with a reminder of my past, but I also didn’t want Scott to think he’d upset me. “No, it’s okay. It’s just...well, he bought me a lot of stuff in the beginning...and I know you’re nothing like him, I really do, but sometimes its hard to bring my brain and my heart on the same wavelength.”

  He squeezed the hand he was still holding mine as he spoke, “I understand, sweetheart. It’s okay. Though I will consider a batch of your choco chip cookies as fair payment for the chimes, how’s that?”

  I grinned as I squeezed his hand back, thanking him silently for not creating an issue out of it. “That sounds reasonable.”

  Scott chuckled and leaned down to press a soft kiss against my temple, making my heart flutter. We checked out a few booths, though we didn’t buy anything else. I eyed the claw machine as we passed by it for the third time and Scott smiled as he followed my gaze. “Want me to win something for you?”

  “How about I win something for you?”

  “Yeah?”

  I grinned as I led the way to the machine. I fed it a dollar as I examined the pickings.

  “How about that panda? It looks like a negative image of Tressa.” Scott pointed at a small stuffed panda with black circles around his eyes and I grinned as I positioned the claw over it and adjusted it before pressing the release button. The claw almost grabbed the panda before retreating and I squinted at it as I tried to position it just right and pressed the release button again. The claw descended again and I fisted the air and shouted yes as it grabbed the panda perfectly and brought it over to the channel. I grabbed it and turned towards Scott with a grin as I offered him the win.

  “Wow,” Scott said, looking mighty impressed as he grabbed the panda and hugged it to his chest as if it was the best thing anyone had ever given him. “That was fucking impressive.”

  I bowed in thanks and he laughed before pulling me in a warm hug and pressing a kiss against the top of my head. “Thanks for winning me the panda. I’m gonna treasure it forever.”

  I blushed as he pulled back and shrugged my shoulders, “It’s nothing special.”

  “It is to me. No one’s ever done anything like that for me.” I looked up into his eyes and knew he meant every word so I smiled softly at him and took his hand again.

  Scott dragged me to the photo booth next and then insisted on squeezing the panda into every crazy picture we took and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed so much or had so much fun. When I had the pictures in my hand, the look on my face and the warm feeling in my chest told me what I’d known but hadn’t acknowledged yet, even to myself. I was falling for Scott. And strangely enough, the idea didn’t scare me all that much.

  We ended out night with the mandatory kiss at the top of the ferris wheel because that’s what always happens in YA books and we were nothing if not dedicated bookworms, so we had to do it before we headed home.

  I curled up against Scott that night instead of holding his hand like I usually did because I knew I’d end up cuddling against him the moment I was asleep, so I might as well enjoy doing it. I laid my head on Scott’s chest, letting the steady beat of his heart lull me.

  “I had a lot of fun today,” I whispered.

  “I had fun, too. Did I top Date One?”

  I grinned, “Maybe.”

  “Hmmm.”

  “Don’t worry, Scott. Any and every date with you is perfect.”

  “It is, because I have you with me.”

  I rolled my eyes before closing them and taking a deep breath, letting his warm, chocolate scent wash all over me.

  “Good night, Scott.”

  “Night, Lu.”

  20 | Scott

  I sauted the veggies as I bobbed my head to the music. I’d decided to give Luke a break from cooking dinner today since I was home early. I heard the shower turn off, and Luke walked into the kitchen just as the song ended.

  After the cabin, Luke had stopped covering himself as much all the time. It started off with only wearing sleeveless shirts at home, but now he even wore them outside sometimes, usually when it was just the two of us heading out. He was wearing a short sleeved t-shirt with pajama pants, and I smiled at how comfortable he looked. It was October already, and soon enough the weather will be cold enough to warrant wearing a jumper at all times. I hadn’t thought I’d miss Luke’s oversized jumpers, but I was looking forward to seeing him in them again anyway.

  As he smiled back at me, Slow Dance started playing on the speaker and I turned the heat on low before walking over to Luke and extending my hand. “Dance with me?”

  “What?” Luke asked, laughing.

  “Come on, it’s one of my favorite songs.”

  Luke shook his head but placed his palm in mine. I pulled him closer, curling my arm around his waist and holding his hand in mine. We swayed together, and though we didn’t match the rhythm much, I didn’t really care. Holding him in my arms was enough.

  “This song kinda reminds me of us,” I said and Luke looked up at me curiously.

  “We needed just one chance, too. Thank you for giving us that chance, Lu.” I said softly and his face brightened as he smiled shyly at me.

  Pressing a soft kiss on his smiling lips, I pulled away and twirled him around and around until he started laughing. His eyes were closed, his face tilted upwards, his wet hair swinging around as he twirled and laughed and I’d never seen anything more beautiful. If I wasn’t so sure already, this was the moment I’d realize that I was in love with this gorgeous man. Maybe it was time I told him that.

  He pressed himself against me, probably because he’d gotten dizzy, his hands fisting in my shirt as he pressed his face against my neck, panting as he tried to catch his breath. I put my arms around him, pulling him closer against me and never wanting to let go.

  “You’re so beautiful,” I whispered in his ear, pressing a soft kiss in his hair. He sighed against my neck, and I smiled when he didn’t protest. I was glad he’d started believing me when I said that and I hoped he could see every beautiful thing I saw in him.

  Holding him in my arms, I promised myself to show him everyday just how muc
h he meant to me, how much I loved him.

  Luke pulled back reluctantly and looked up into my eyes with a small smile playing at his lips. “Thanks for that. I can’t remember the last time I felt so...free.”

  I leaned down and kissed him in reply, just a soft caress of my lips against his to show him that I understood. I pulled back before deepening the kiss and ran my fingers through his half dry hair, tucking them behind his ears. I looked into his eyes and took a deep breath, hoping he’d accept what I was about to say as truth and not doubt my words.

  “Luke, I love you.”

  He gasped, but didn’t say anything as his eyes filled with tears and I continued speaking, “Please don’t doubt my words. I know you have a hard time accepting when I tell you how beautiful you are, but please believe this, believe in my love for you. Because, I do. I love you more than anything or anyone in my life.”

  Luke opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He swallowed a few times before meeting my eyes and saying, “I love you, too. I have for a while but I didn’t think-didn’t think you felt the same way.”

  “Well, I do and you better believe it.”

  “I believe you,” Luke whispered as he hugged me tightly and I squeezed him just as tightly, wishing I’d never have to let go. It was a few minutes before Luke leaned back to look at me with his nose scrunched up in a totally adorable way, “Is something burning?”

  “Oh shit!” I ran to the stove and turned the knob off, but it was too late. The veggies were all blackened on one side. Rubbing my face, I pulled the pan off the stove, scraping the burnt vegetables into the trash and throwing the pan in the sink.

  “Sorry,” I said sheepishly as Luke walked over to the counter.

  With twinkling eyes, Luke nudged me away from the stove, a hand on his hip. “You should stick to making breakfast, don’t you think?”

  “I guess. I mean, you’re such a late riser, there’s no way you’d be up in time to distract me from making breakfast,” I fired back with a grin.

  “Oh, so it’s my fault then, is it?”

  I rubbed my jaw as if contemplating my answer before nodding. “Oh, yes. Definitely. That smile on your face makes me forget pretty much everything.”

  I loved the way he blushed, even as he shook his head, making all the hair fall back into his eyes. With a huff, he pulled a hair tie off his wrist before wringing his hair into a ponytail. And because I was so smitten with the guy, even watching him fight off his errant hair fascinated me. God, I was such a sap.

  “Now, shoo,” Luke said, flapping his arm in a ‘go away’ gesture. The blush was still high on his cheeks and I smiled as I pressed a kiss to his cheek before leaving him to cook in peace.

  21 | Luke

  He snapped the belt again and pain shot through my back as it sliced into my skin.

  I tried to tell him to stop, that I'll do whatever he wants me to, but the gag in my mouth stopped me from doing anything but whimper in pain as blood dripped down my sides.

  "You're such a slut, aren't you? You love that pain." He hissed before hitting me with the whip again, closer to my shoulder blades this time. My eyes snapped shut of their own accord as tears slipped through. A part of me knew this was a nightmare, but I couldn't get out. I was trapped, just like I'd been a year ago.

  "I've seen your scars, slut. I know you love the pain, you yearn for it. Well, here it is."

  He dropped the belt and my eyes opened as dread filled my chest. I knew what was coming next. I shook my head and tried to get away, but my wrists and ankles were cuffed to the bed and I couldn't get away. I never could.

  "Please…" I tried to say again, but all that came out was a pitiful sob.

  He dropped his pants and without any prep forced himself into me as the blood pooled on my back. I forced myself to close my eyes and tried to wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

  When I opened my eyes, I was still in that dreaded room and he was pulling his pants up. "Lie there, Lukey boy, and think about what you are. Here's a hint: Nothing but a slut. My slut."

  And he was gone. I knew he wouldn't be back until a few hours later, until my wounds were almost clogged. And then he'd take pleasure in treating them as if he cared for me, all the while making it hurt even more.

  I sobbed as the pain overwhelmed me, shuddering as I heard his voice again, calling from somewhere in the dark.

  "Luke…"

  "Luke!"

  "Lu, wake up!"

  My eyes snapped open as I realized that it was Scott's voice calling me, not his. My heart was hammering in my chest as I sat up.

  "Shh, it was a nightmare. You're okay. You're safe," Scott murmured beside me.

  I shied away when he tried to touch me, not because I was scared of him but because my skin felt as if it was still coated with all that blood and his touch and I couldn't let Scott touch me when my skin felt so vile.

  "S-sorry. I need a shower," I stuttered as I slipped off the bad, curling my arms around myself protectively.

  Scott nodded and I could see the worry in his eyes. I hated making him feel like that. I hated ruining his sleep with my shit.

  "Go ahead. I'll make us some tea while you're in there," Scott said, because he knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep for a while now. He gave me a reassuring smile as I grabbed a change of clothes and hurried to the bathroom.

  I turned the shower on to its hottest setting and stood below it, the blistering heat washing away the sweat and the dirty feeling. I scrubbed my skin roughly without looking at it. I was sure the sight of my scars would be enough to push me back into that hell and make me puke. I closed my eyes and scrubbed my back as best I could, wishing I could forget the nightmare, forget the memories. What would’ve happened if I hadn’t said yes to him that day? If I hadn’t been so stupid, so naive? What would’ve happened if that maid hadn’t found me that day?

  I shook my head and turned off the shower. I’d asked myself those questions a thousand times before and thinking about the what-ifs only hurt more. I quickly donned my over-sized jumper, one of the few items of clothing I had from before. The police had brought me my old bag from his house. Most of my clothes had been bought by him, so I’d left those behind, only keeping the ones in my bag. I wish I could throw away my memories of him just as easily. My eyes drifted towards the cabinet below the sink as I scratched my wrist. I knew that was where Scott kept his shaving kit and my fingers itched to grab one of those blades and relive a bit of this pain, those memories.

  "I've seen your scars, slut. I know you love the pain, you yearn for it,” his voice rang through my head and I stumbled towards the toilet, barely managing to get the lid up before puking my guts out into the bowl. Tears streamed through my eyes as shudders wrecked through me. I tried to push my hair away to keep them from getting smeared before a hand held them away from my face while Scott’s familiar warmth enveloped me. His hand rubbed circles on my back as I heaved and I closed my eyes. I still couldn’t fathom why Scott wanted me as a friend, much less a boyfriend. What had I ever done to deserve someone like him?

  Once I was sure there was nothing left to vomit, I flushed the toilet and stumbled to my feet. Scott didn’t say anything, just rubbed my back and tucked my hair behind my ears. I cringed at the taste in my mouth and moved towards the sink. “Let me just brush my teeth.”

  Scott nodded before stepping away, though he stayed in the bathroom doorway, the worry still clear in his eyes. I turned towards the sink and quickly brushed my teeth, not letting my mind drift. I washed my face once I was done before turning to face Scott. He gave me a soft smile before gesturing behind him. “The tea’s ready.”

  He extended his hand towards me and I took it, grateful for the warm, firm grip of his hand on mine. He led me towards the couch and I huddled up in a corner. He was back with the tea and some cookies in a minute. Placing them on the table, he took a seat on the couch, though he left some space between us. I wasn’t sure if it was for my benefit—I mean, I had stoppe
d him from touching me, but only because I’d felt dirty—or if he’d finally realized how much of a mess I was. I grabbed my tea for something to do and took a sip, letting its warmth wash over me.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Scott’s voice was soft and I wanted to. I so wanted to. But that would mean telling him how much of a mess I was, how fucked up I was, inside and out. What if he thought it was too much? What if he didn’t want to date me anymore? I wouldn’t fault him if he did, but I didn’t want to lose him. I loved him too much.

  My whole body shook as I tried to figure out what to say. I looked up at him as tears gathered in my eyes, hoping he could see the desperation in my eyes. I wish I could tell him but I didn’t want to lose him. I wasn’t sure I could survive if I did.

  “Oh, Luke,” Scott’s voice was soft as he sat up and opened his arms in invitation. A sob broke out of me as I placed my cup on the table with shaking hands before throwing myself in his arms. My face found that safe spot in the crook of his neck and I let myself go as I clung to him. I sobbed as my tears wet his neck, wanting to tell him just how much it hurt but being too scared of losing him. He was the best thing in my life and I knew it was unfair to him but he was the only thing keeping me from falling over the edge right now.

  He held me tightly, and his warmth, his soft words made me feel secure. Safe. “I hate seeing you hurt, Lu. I wish I could do something to help.”

  “You do,” I mumbled against his neck, “You don’t realize how much you’ve helped me, Scott.”

  Scott pressed a kiss on top of my head, his fingers running through my hair. “I love you.” His voice was soft and like they did every time he said them, the words warmed my heart and made me feel just a tad bit better.

  And as if Scott knew that, he kept on whispering the words in the same voice and I let it wash over me. But then the doubts creeped in. Will he feel the same when he realized how messed up I was, mentally and physically? Scott hadn’t seen any of my scars other than the ones on my wrist and even those he didn’t know the full story of. I’d never let him so much as slip his hand below my shirt when we kissed, and he’d never pushed the issue. Would he still feel the same way about him when he saw them? He deserved to know, to see everything, didn’t he? But more than that, I wanted to show him. I was tired of hiding from him. I wanted him to see all of me and a part of me believed he wouldn’t leave me because of them. Decision made, I stood up, pulling away from Scott.