Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  “Luke?”

  I looked into his eyes, the warmth that had first made me trust him shining through them. “I’m tired of hiding, Scott. I don’t want to hide anymore, not from you. If you don’t want to be with me anymore after, I’d understand. But I’d still like to be friends, please. I can’t lose you.” Tears streaked down my cheeks and I roughly wiped them away, silently begging Scott to promise me that.

  “Nothing will make me love you less, Lu. I promise.” I closed my eyes as I tucked that promise safely into my heart, praying Scott would never break it.

  I turned away from him and took a deep breath. The scars on my back were worse, but the ones on my front were uglier. I closed my eyes as I grabbed the hem of my jumper and pulled it off before I lost my courage.

  I heard Scott gasp and squeezed my eyes to keep them shut. I couldn’t bear to see disgust on his face, disgust aimed at me, at the mess of scars that was my back.

  “Oh, baby…” There was pain in his voice, but no revulsion. Or maybe he was good at hiding it. Whatever the reason, it gave me the courage to take a deep breath and turn around. I turned my head towards the ceiling and trained my eyes on it as I faced him. “Ugly, isn’t it?” I asked as tears poured down my cheeks. Even without looking, I knew exactly where the brand was. Where he had branded the word slut on my stomach so that no one else would ever touch me. “Why would anyone ever want to touch me with a body like this? Hell, why would I want someone to touch me when the last person I’d trusted with it did this?”

  I couldn’t speak anymore and Scott’s silence told me I’d been wrong. Maybe he really couldn’t see past those scars, maybe I’d given him too much credit. I stumbled backwards without looking at him, wiping my eyes as I did. “I’ll go. As I said, I understand. I’m sorry.” My words were steady even as my heart broke. I shouldn’t have trusted his promise, I shouldn’t have told him. Now, I’d lost the only person who’d ever wanted to love me. I whirled away from him before I did something stupid like begging him to not leave me. I’d have to go back to my room now, right? No more snuggling up with Scott. And I’d have to look for a new place.

  As I stepped around the coffee table, Scott spoke up, “Lu, wait.” It was the nickname that stopped me from walking away. If he wanted to leave me, he wouldn’t use my nickname, would he? But I couldn’t bring myself to turn around, so I waited to hear what he wanted to say. He walked over to me and stood before me. With his index finger, he nudged my chin towards him and I finally, finally met his eyes. My own eyes widened when I realized his cheeks were wet, his eyes red as if he’d been rubbing them. He’d been crying. That’s why he hadn’t said anything. There was no loathing, no hate in his eyes, just a lot of pain. Pain for me.

  He leaned forward slowly, letting me know his intentions before pressing his lips to mine in the softest of kisses. His thumbs wiped away my tears as he held my face between his palms and the love in his touch, in his eyes made me tremble. “I thought...I thought you were disgusted.”

  Scott’s eyes widened and he shook his head once before holding me more firmly, “You are beautiful, Lu. I feel sick even thinking about the man who did this to you, who hurt you so much. But I love you. And I told you, nothing will make me love you less.”

  I tucked my head under his chin as he held me and the tears started anew. How did I have so many tears in me? Would they ever end?

  “Come on, let’s cuddle in bed for a bit, yeah? It’ll be time to get up soon.” Scott said and I nodded before stepping away. I folded my arms to hide my stomach, even though Scott had already seen it. I looked around for my jumper before Scott’s hands came to rest on my shoulders. “Luke, look at me.”

  And I did, because how could I not? This wonderful man cared for me even after he’d seen my ugliness and I’d do anything for him. “You don’t have to hide anymore, Lu. Not from me.” I bit my lip as my arm brushed against the S on my abdomen. He was right. He’d already seen it, so why should I hide anymore? So I let my hands drop while staring into his eyes to see his reaction. He simply grabbed my hand, pressing a kiss on my knuckles before leading me towards the bedroom.

  I lay down on the bed and he shuffled in beside me on his side, his fingers pushing my hair away from my face. Softly, he trailed his fingers down my cheek to my chin before coming to rest at my collar bone. That was how far I’d ever let him explore my skin. But now he could see more of me and I answered the question in his eyes with a nod.

  I could barely feel the touch as his fingers skated downward. The touch wasn’t sexual at all, and I was thankful for that. His touch left my skin feeling warm and helped me calm down. Touching had never felt so therapeutic before and I found myself talking as his fingers trailed around the brand on my abdomen.

  “He...he liked showing me off to his friends. Took me to bars and parties and stuff. One time at a bar, this guy started flirting with me while he was talking to his friends. I tried to ignore the guy but he kept trying to talk to me. When he noticed, he dragged me away. When we got home, he…” I swallowed, and Scott rubbed my arm comfortingly but didn’t speak, letting me talk at my own pace. “He tied me to the bed like he usually did, and then...then he got the brand from wherever he’d been keeping it. He said he’d mark me so no one would want me again and I’d be all his. It hurt so much. I couldn’t eat for days after that because moving even a little bit hurt too much.” I stopped speaking because my heart was thundering so badly and I was so tired. Tired of the pain. Of always hurting.

  Scott pulled me closer and I snuggled into him, pressing my face into his chest. I wondered what his skin against mine would feel like, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for that just yet. So I just breathed in his warm, woodsy scent and closed my eyes.

  “I love you, Luke. If I could, I’d take all your pain away, but I can’t. I hope I’m helping you in whatever small way I can.”

  “‘S enough.” I mumbled, holding him tightly and letting his warmth wash over me, my heart lighter than it’d been in a long time.

  22 | Scott

  The ringing alarm pulled me out of my restless sleep and I turned it off quickly so I didn’t wake Luke. Turning back to face him, I frowned when I realized he’d gotten up sometime in the night to wear his jumper again. Did he not believe me?

  But then I remembered how he’d avoided looking at himself when he’d shown me his scars and I realized it wasn’t about me at all. Luke didn’t like looking at his body. I couldn’t fault him for it because looking at those scars probably reminded him his most painful memories. I wished he could see what I saw when I looked at him, though, because all I saw was a beautiful man who was so much stronger than I ever could be.

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I slid out of bed before I ended up waking him. He needed all the sleep he could get after a night like that. Almost on auto-pilot, I brushed my teeth, took a shower, got dressed for work and started on making breakfast. I went with bacon and eggs because I needed a good breakfast after the little sleep I’d managed to get if I wanted to function today.

  I started the coffee and wondered whether I should take a day off from work. I knew Mike wouldn’t mind, but on the other hand, every time I closed my eyes, I could see those scars, that brand on Luke’s skin and it made my blood boil. Last night, when Luke had shown them to me, I’d barely stopped myself from puking my guts up like Luke had earlier. I’d only managed to control myself because I’d known Luke would take it as disgust directed at him and not the man who’d done something so awful to someone so beautiful. I still hadn’t been able to stop the tears from coming and I’d almost ended up making Luke believe that anyway. My heart hurt for him and if I ever came across the man who did this, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to control myself.

  How could someone be so horrible? Luke had been just nineteen when that man hurt him like that. Luke had only told me bits and pieces of what had happened but his scars had told me that he’d hurt badly. Again and again. What kind of monster had he dealt with? I couldn�
�t imagine surviving something like that, living in pain day after day and still clinging on to the hope that you’d get to leave someday. How had Luke done it?

  “Good morning,” Luke’s voice came from the doorway and I hoped my expression didn’t give my thoughts away as I turned to face him.

  ‘Morning, Lu. Coffee’s done and I’m almost done with breakfast. Bacon and eggs okay?”

  “Perfect,” Luke answered with a small smile as he looked into my eyes searchingly. I gave him a smile in return before grabbing two mugs and filling them with coffee, his black and mine with cream and sugar.

  I handed him his coffee and dished up our breakfast before placing them on the table. We ate in comfortable silence like we usually did and I thought again if I should take the day off work to spend time with him.

  “Don’t,’ Luke said, pointing his fork at me before taking the last bite of his food.

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t take a day off for me. I’m fine. And, I’m going to work too, so there’s no point. It was just a nightmare. I’m used to it.” He said with a shrug, breaking my heart all over again because he shouldn’t have to be. He should be full of beautiful, happy memories and not ones that woke him up in the middle of night and made him vomit. It was so fucking unfair.

  I swallowed as I realized that I needed to go to work, if only so Luke wouldn’t see how much last night had affected me. “Okay, I won’t,” I agreed, striving to keep my voice as steady as I could.

  Once we’d washed up, I turned to face Luke, placing my palm lightly against his waist as I met his smoky gray eyes, “Can I kiss you?”

  His eyes widened in surprise, as if he hadn’t expected me to say that before he nodded shakily. I leaned closer and pressed my lips softly to his, kissing him in that sweet, gentle way I loved. His lips were soft against mine and I didn’t push, just let him take the lead as he pulled my lower lip between his and bit it slightly before running his tongue over the bite soothingly. I pulled back after a minute, pressing a kiss against his forehead before pulling back.

  “I thought…” Luke started before shaking his head and meeting my eyes, “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to do that after last night.” His voice was soft, hesitant, as if he still expected me to back out.

  I held his face between my palms so he wouldn’t look away before speaking, “I know those scars remind you of ugly, painful things. And I hate that man for hurting you like that. But when I saw those scars, all of them, my first thought was how brave you are. How brave you’ve been for so long to have survived them and get your life back on track. When I saw those scars, I only saw your bravery, your strength. They do not disgust me, Luke. They just made me realize more than I already knew just how brave you are. I love you and nothing will change that.”

  Luke’s eyes had grown watery as I spoke and as soon as I let him go, he buried his face in my neck, sniffling softly. “You’re wrong.” His voice was barely above a whisper, and if he hadn’t been so close, I probably wouldn’t have heard him. “I’m not strong.”

  “You are, Luke. You just don’t see it.”

  Luke shook his head before stepping away from me. “No, you don’t see it, Scott. I’m a coward.” His voice broke as he slid the sleeves of his jumper up and showed his wrists to me. I frowned. I’d seen those scars already, hadn’t I? He’d said they were because of the cuffs he’d been put into for so long. But as I stared at his wrists, trying to figure out what Luke meant, I realized that along with the thick scars from the cuffs, there were also some thin, clean scars that marred his skin. Scars as if he’d…

  I gasped as I realized what those scars were.

  “You…” My voice was barely a whisper as I tried to get my head around what I was seeing.

  He still didn’t look at me as he ran his thumb over the raised scars. His voice was almost monotonous, but I could hear the tears in them as he spoke, still not looking at me, “So many times, I tried to do it. And he always let me. He had cameras in my room, and he always knew. He’d let me cut myself...try to kill myself...and then show up before I could bleed out. He’d patch me up, show me how much he cared, before making me service him in some way while I was dizzy with the blood loss. Every time, he did that. And every time, I failed.” The pain and hate in his voice made me want to pull him into my arms and never let go, but I couldn’t.

  I couldn’t move as my brain tried to process everything. I could’ve lost Luke without even realizing it, without getting to know this broken, beautiful man I’d fallen in love with. I took a step back as I tried to catch my breath and I couldn’t. I needed to get out, to stop thinking before I said something stupid.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and forced myself to say, “I gotta go,” before almost running out of the door and into the empty hallway. I took the stairs and was breathing hard by the time I reached the parking lot. I didn’t remember the drive, but the next second, I was in the parking lot of my workplace.

  Taking the elevator this time, I made my way to my cabin and settled into my seat, trying to force my brain to switch into work mode. But all I could think about was Luke and how much pain he must’ve been in to try again and again to kill himself like that. And he still didn’t see how strong he was.

  Two hours later, I had no idea what I was working on when Mike walked into my office. He gave me a once over before locking the door to my cabin and taking a seat on one of the guest chairs. He patted the other one and I obediently got up and took the seat next to him.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I opened my mouth to tell him nothing before shaking my head. I needed to talk before I exploded, and if I had to break down in front of someone, there could be no better choice than Mike.

  So I told him. About how I’d known Luke had been in an abusive relationship but I hadn’t known how bad it’d been. About his nightmares, his scars and what he’d told me this morning. A part of me knew I shouldn’t be telling Mike this, that it was Luke’s story to tell, but I needed to talk to someone and I knew I could trust Mike to not let it affect his relationship with Luke in anyway.

  “God, Mike. It fucking hurts just thinking about how much shit he’s been put through. I can’t even imagine surviving that but he did, and he didn’t lose his spark. I’m in awe of him and his strength and his courage. I wish I could show him just how strong he is. But he doesn’t believe me.”

  Mike nodded at me, squeezing my shoulder softly before speaking his piece, “I haven’t met him yet—despite my insistence that I meet him soon, mind you—but based on what you’re telling me, I think for a long time he has been told a lot of negative things about himself. And he believes those things to be true now. So I guess all you can do is show him that you see him differently and wait for him to believe you. What did you do when he showed you his scars last night?”

  “Hugged him and told him I only saw his strength and I hated the man who did that to him but never him.”

  Mike nodded approvingly before continuing, “And this morning?”

  “This morning...Shit!” I stumbled to my feet as I realized I’d basically ran out of there when he’d confessed something obviously painful to him. How could I have been so stupid? What if he ended up hurting himself again? Did he still do that?

  “Hey, hey...calm down. What’s wrong?” Mike’s voice was soft as he gripped my shoulders and looked into my eyes.

  “I was so in my head I fucking ran out of there this morning. Shit. I know he’s gonna feel as if I ran because I’d had enough.” I pushed my hand in my pocket to get my phone, to call him before I realized it wasn’t there. Shit. I’d forgotten to grab my phone!

  “I gotta go,” I said for the second time in the day.

  “Do you need me to come with?”

  I shook my head as I unlocked the cabin.

  “Drive safely!” Mike called after me and I gave him a thumbs up as I rushed to the stairs.

  By the time I got home, my heart was thudding erratically in my c
hest and I could barely breathe. I knew the moment I stepped inside that Luke wasn’t home. Was he at work?

  I rushed into the bedroom and looked for my phone, growing more and more frustrated by the minute before I found it tucked between the mattress and the headboard. When I tried to unlock it, I realized the battery was dead. Cursing, I plugged it into the charger. I paced the room as I waited for it to turn on. Tressa meowed from her spot on the bed and I turned to her, giving her a soft smile, “I know, sweetie. Don’t worry, I’ll find your daddy, okay?”

  Just then, I remembered something and rushed into the living room and checked one of the cabinet drawers before I found what I was looking for. Rushing to the landline, I dialed the number on the visiting card and prayed she’d pick up.

  “Hello, Delilah Sparks’ office, how may I help you?”

  “Uh, can I speak to Mrs.Sparks please? This is about her...son, Luke Smith.”

  “Just a minute, sir.”

  A minute later, I heard Delilah Sparks’ warm voice on the other end, “Scott, dear. What’s wrong?”

  “Sorry to call you, ma’am. Is Luke at work today?”

  “Let me check, hon.”

  A minute later her voice came back on the phone, this time with a tinge of worry to it, “He called in sick, dear. Is he okay?”

  “I’m not sure, Ma’am. He isn’t home. I’m gonna call him and try to find him. Thanks for your help.”

  “Please let me know once you do. Also, write down my personal number so you don’t have to call the office again.”