Enough Isn't Everything (Everything Trilogy)

by Shandwick, K. L.

  He smiled and said breathlessly, “Mandy has invited us over this evening, you up for that?” I nodded, and wiped some water from his neck absentmindedly.

  “Yeah, it’ll be nice just to hang out.”

  Will looked a little embarrassed. “I don’t want Saffy to come, Lily.”

  I looked worriedly at him. “Will?” He shrugged, and sighed heavily. He looked sad. “I just want a little space Lily. It doesn’t make me a bad person, does it? I just want to talk with people without accusations from her. I’m not looking to do anything wrong.” I understood his frustration.

  We had found ourselves sneaking conversations with each other, on one occasion reverting to text messages to arrange a gig, because she was being obtuse with her jealousy.

  I squeezed his hand in support. “You need to work it out though, Will. I don’t want to be stuck in the middle of this. You’re both my friends.”

  He smiled and kissed my forehead. “I knew you’d get me, Lily.”

  We were very productive today at college and went to Mandy’s directly from campus. She had a very cute ground floor condo with a small private garden.

  A garden was the one thing I missed about living in an apartment block. Mandy’s parents had sold their family home, and bought this for Mandy, while her mother and father were working overseas.

  She was a great little hostess and had made hotdogs, buns, burgers, and salad. Will devoured as much as he could fit in his stomach. No doubt about it, the man enjoyed his food. I was in awe at where he put it all because there was not an ounce of fat on him.

  Neil arrived, with a few other faces I vaguely knew, and we all sat on some stacking plastic patio chairs. The atmosphere was so relaxed, and conversations between us flowed easily. With all of us studying music, we had so much in common.

  I felt happier than I had in weeks. When the doorbell chimed I wondered who else could be coming, because most of our group was already here.

  I swear I felt his presence before I saw him, but I was still shocked when I looked up and he was leaning against the patio door frame.

  The effect he had on me, just seeing him, was incredible. He stood there all casual with a beer in his hand, his eyes boring holes through me.

  I flushed pink, but tried to continue the conversation I was involved in, conscious of him watching me. Will was sitting close to me, and as if on cue turned and gave me a slow smile. I returned this automatically.

  He began teasing me about something that had happened during one of our sessions and grabbed me playfully by the neck, pulling my head down and into his chest.

  Everyone laughed, and Will squeezed me in a hug, saying, “Only kidding, you know I love you, honey.” Alfie’s face darkened, his brows furrowing. He looked really unimpressed with both of us.

  His beautiful plump lips were drawn into a thin line as he stared at me. I shrugged this off as him thinking that Will was my new ‘buddy’ in his sense of the word, and I largely tried to ignore him.

  Mandy came through and turned her attention to Alfie, asking him something about the gig he had just performed at. He was forced to shift his focus, leaving me free to move around without him being able to follow me.

  She then went around picking up paper plates and placing them in a garbage bag, still talking to him. She asked about the band he was supporting in a few days. I didn’t wait for his answer, pushing myself out of the chair, and using her distraction to make my way to the kitchen.

  Will was right behind me, placing his hand on my shoulder. I tensed, but when I turned and realized it was him I smiled. “Sorry honey, I couldn’t resist telling them about that, it was too cute when you did it at the time.” He grinned, referring to the story he told.

  His hand lingered on my shoulder, and he began rubbing circles absentmindedly while he was talking to me. I smiled widely at him and started giggling, because in hindsight it was funny.

  It was nice that he made sure I was okay with him sharing the story. “It's fine, it didn’t bother me at all.” He cuddled me close in a bear hug, rocking me from side to side.

  “You know it’s been lovely just to spend time with all of you without Saffy getting the wrong idea.”

  I had to agree, it was, but it was sad about Saffy. I pushed myself from Will’s chest, and he was smiling at me when Alfie appeared in the kitchen, waving his empty beer bottle between two fingers, walking in our direction.

  “You’re very tactile for friends.” He used quotation marks with his fingers on the word friends to accentuate his point. “Where do I find another one of these?” He waved his empty beer bottle at us.

  Will moved away from me, looking a little stressed by his comment, and ran his fingers through his hair. “There’s plenty in the box over there.”

  Will motioned with his head and signaled by pointing at the patio door that he was going back to the garden. He walked away, leaving me alone in the kitchen with Alfie.

  I was about to move past him to follow Will when he slammed the palm of his hand down on the counter. It made me jump and effectively blocked me from leaving. My heartbeat picked up pace, and my breathing was fast and shallow. I tried to control the feelings of both excitement and dread at being so near to him again.

  “Excuse me, I want to pass please?” Alfie bent to make eye contact with me, and I inhaled his scent. I missed it.

  “Is that what you really want?” He gave me a seductive half smile. “You wouldn’t rather come back to my place and let me make you feel good, Lily?” My jaw dropped, just being near him did crazy things to my heart, and he stole my breath away every goddamn time he was in the room.

  Pressing my hand to his hard chest I pushed him back. In my heart, I wanted to grab his t-shirt and pull him closer, not push him away.

  “Stop it. I’ve had enough of your games. I don’t want you Alfie,” I hissed, my eyes darting to the patio doors to make sure we weren’t being watched.

  He grabbed one of my hands and placed it over his heart, as he reached out, invading my body again, and placed his other palm over mine. It wasn’t a sexual touch. I couldn’t lie to him. My heart was pounding in my chest, as was his.

  “Forgive me, but I’m hardly convinced by that. We drive each other crazy with want.” He smirked, nodding his head toward his palm. He dipped his mouth to my ear and whispered to me. “I don’t think you’ve had nearly enough of me, sweetheart, and I know I’ll never get enough of you.” His soft breath brushed over my ear and my neck.

  He smiled at me, his eyes holding that sensual gaze that usually melted me. He ran his small finger ever so lightly along my thumb, as he continued to hold my hand in his.

  I flinched and tried to move it away, and he let his hands drop by his sides. He was right, of course. He knew exactly what he did to me. I turned to walk away, fighting back tears.

  Grabbing my arm and swinging me around, he pushed me back into a corner of the kitchen with his body, out of sight of the window. He placed his palms on either side of me on the wall, again blocking my escape.

  Alfie moved closer, slightly parting my knees, and leaned against me, hip to hip, his face bending toward my neck but not touching it. His breathing was ragged, and I could feel his arousal as he rubbed himself against my pubic bone.

  He inhaled my hair, then my neck. “I want you so fucking much.” Swallowing hard as he stared into my eyes. His words and the sensation of his touch became too much for me. I was being overpowered, and I could feel myself letting go. Melting into his body, my eyes closed in surrender to him.

  His tongue traced up my neck, stopping near my ear, then again. “Say it, tell me to take you.” He rested his forehead on mine. I had stopped breathing, frozen.

  Alfie pulled his head back and opened his eyes. We were looking intensely at each other. I could see the lust there in the hooded glint in his eyes, his breathing ragged. He bent forward, groaning into my neck again, moving his tongue up to trace my jawline as I fought to control the release of the breath I had b
een holding.

  Removing a hand from the wall, he traced this down the front of my body. I inhaled sharply, my body reacting to the heat of his touch. I bit my lip and he licked his. “Oh yeah, sweetheart, you most definitely want me,” he murmured softly.

  My defenses were gone, his for the taking. All he had to do was kiss me. His fingers traced my lips with a featherlight touch. He leaned closer, and I closed my eyes expecting his kiss.

  I waited…and nothing happened. I opened my eyes and saw Will. I was confused, Alfie was just here, and now he was nowhere in sight. Will was standing looking concerned at me.

  “Are you okay? You didn’t come back.” He put out his hand to lead me back and I let him, trembling. “Are you cold?” he asked.

  “No, just tired.” I managed a weak smile. I didn’t know how I faced being around everyone after that. We stayed another half hour, then I told everyone I was exhausted and needed to go home.

  Will followed me out to my car. I didn’t see Alfie again while we were there. We’d arrived in separate cars, and he walked me to mine when we left. We arranged to meet as usual in the morning, then he hugged me tightly rubbing my back.

  “I’ve had a lot of fun this evening, thanks for understanding Lily.” I smiled tiredly at him.

  “No worries.” My response was muted, but it was the best I could manage. He kissed my nose and sat me in my car.

  “Remember, you haven’t seen me this evening.” He winked.

  I felt bad because I knew that as soon as I saw Saffy, she was going to ask me about Will. It was a horrible situation and I was going to have to lie. Why was everything so complicated here?

  I stuck my car in gear and drove off feeling drained about Alfie. As I rounded the corner, he was leaning against his car, flagging me down. I was torn between running him over and stopping.

  I stopped, sliding my window down partway. My heart was pounding at him being there again. “Truce?” he asked, tapping his fingernails on the side of my car, smiling sheepishly.

  “What is this, Alfie? This has got to stop. I can’t deal with this shit, you’re scaring me.” I swallowed hard. It was true his behavior was freaking me out now.

  My voice sounded quiet and shaky when I was speaking, and he looked a little shaken by my statement. “Can we talk? Just talk, no mind games?”

  I sighed. “I’m really tired Alfie, I just want to go home.” In truth, his stalking had taken the last of my energy.

  “Can I drive you home? We could talk like this.” He wagged his finger between us. “I’ll collect you in the morning to come get your car.”

  I shook my head. “No, I don’t want that,” I stated firmly. I really had feelings for Alfie. I was not going to be emotionally bullied because of my physical attraction to him though.

  “Can I get in then? Would you drive me home, so that we can talk?” This was the last thing I wanted, but I figured that we needed to clear the air so that he would stop behaving like this toward me.

  “Please Lily, I just want to talk to you.” He gave me a half smile and looked sincere, but I knew that his smile had worked with many other women in the past. Even so, I was intrigued to find out what he had to say for himself.

  I knew I was making a pretty stupid decision even before I agreed, but I resigned myself to trying to have some normality around him. And that meant I’d have to discuss it with him.

  “Okay, I’ll take you home, but cause me any problems, and you’ll have to walk back to get your car.” He grinned and jumped in the passenger side before I could change my mind, making the leather seat squeak.

  I moved away and faced the front, driving a little too carefully, waiting for him to speak. His hand slipped along the back of my seat. “Do you mind, I don’t like distractions when I’m driving.” He chuckled, and I turned to glare at him. He realized I wasn’t joking with him and took his arm back.

  “Why did you stop?” I shook my head incredulously at him.

  “Why did I stop the car? You were in front of it,” I huffed.

  “No. Us.” he husked, wagging his index finger between us again.

  I swallowed hard, and stammered trying to speak before my thoughts had fully formed in my head. “It just wasn’t for me… the whole ‘fuck buddy’ thing, and there was no ‘us’,” I stated flatly.

  He snickered. “I was there Lily; I still feel you, and you still feel me, so that’s bullshit. And, it was for you, you can’t tell me you didn’t like it,” he bit back at me, his mouth curled in a sneer.

  CHAPTER 27: FRIENDS

  I sat quietly, my breathing a little fast from his nearness and the exchange between us. “Okay, it wasn’t what I wanted. I thought I could do the no-emotional-ties sex thing. It left me with a bad taste in my mouth Alfie.” He narrowed his eyes in a hard stare for what seemed like ages, not speaking.

  He sighed. “I warned you that I wouldn’t get emotionally involved with you, Lily. I can’t ever love you,” he said, shaking his head. “I want you, but I can’t ever make a commitment to you.” My heart squeezed hard at his harsh words.

  “Why is that?” I whispered. “What’s wrong with me?” He squeezed my hand, his face looking sympathetic toward me. “God, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re fucking perfect. Believe me, Lily, I just can’t.”

  “You tell me you can’t, but don’t I deserve a reason? I’m flesh and blood, a young woman, not a fucking toy or some whore off the street that you can pay for. I don’t want to have any kind of relationship with someone who only wants my body and only speaks to me when no one else is around.”

  I was feeling incensed now. “When we were alone, you treated me like I was special, and I don’t mean your special feelings shit. You were so into me when I was with you. Yet, you emotionally wreck me in front of my friends by ignoring me, and play fucking games with my feelings so that you can get off on it?”

  He brought his hands up to his neck, and stretched backwards. I could see that what I’d said had some effect on him. I just didn’t know what though. Alfie asked me to stop the car. I refused, continuing to drive him home because I felt that all the time I was driving he was less likely to try something.

  He sat in silence for some time. “I told you Lily, no hearts-and-flowers, you knew that when we agreed the arrangement.” I bit my lip, looking at him. He bit his in return, and I wished for just a second he hadn’t looked so sexy doing it.

  “You told me that we could terminate the arrangement at any time. So what? We’re both fucking liars?” I spat back. I thought about the girl I’d seen him around campus with and was about to ask him about her. “Interesting choice of words you keep giving me Alfie.”

  He frowned. “What words?”

  I gave him a small smile. “I can’t love you, can’t ever give you a commitment. Can’t love me? It sounds to me like there is something or someone stopping you. People don’t sign up for commitment as soon as they start a relationship Alfie. So, it seems strange to me that you would put that out there before you even know someone, unless there’s a reason not to get involved.”

  I sighed again, this was so draining. “I’m tired of this drama. I think I get what you want. I tried it, but it just wasn’t for me. I’ve seen you with all those other women Alfie, why would you wine and dine them without fucking them, then call me when you’re done? Do you get off on secrets and lies?”

  Alfie stared at me, not offering anything as a reply. “I‘ve seen your other women Alfie, it isn’t like I’m anything special anyway.” His finger trailed over the back of my hand as I gripped the steering wheel.

  “You’re my favorite girl, Lily. You are so much more than them. They picked me, Lily, but I picked you.” He ran his fingers through his hair and for the first time, I really thought that what he was saying affected him.

  I knew that women probably threw themselves at him. Christ, he was irresistible to me even after he told me what he wanted from me that first time. “I don’t want to be your favorite Alfie, I just wa
nt to have a normal relationship and be respected for who I am.”

  He clasped his hands and stretched his arms turning his palms out in front of him. “You want me to pretend that I’m your boyfriend, is that it?”

  Our conversation was becoming more and more bazaar. “No Alfie. Listen, I enjoyed what we did, our connection was amazing. I don’t want you to feel bad about any of it. I was as much invested as you were. However, I’ve moved on. I can’t be with you… that way, any more.”

  He put his hand on the steering wheel. “Stop the fucking car.”

  I looked at him quickly, but continued to drive. “Stop the fucking car now, Lily.” I became worried about his temper and pulled over, not entirely convinced this was the right decision.

  “Look at me.” He had swung sideways to face me. My face spun to look at him. “Can I try something?” He must have seen the fear on my face, because he tried to reassure me more softly. “Don’t worry babe, I won’t hurt you.”

  I bit my lip and said quietly, “You do Alfie, every day you do this, you do hurt me.”

  His head moved back as if I had slapped him, his mouth dropped. “That’s not what I’m trying to achieve here, Lily, far from it.”

  I sighed. He asked again, “Can I try something?” I looked apprehensively at him and he said, “Trust me.” I looked away. I had trusted him, and this was where it had gotten me.

  Yet, I was curious about what he wanted to try. “Okay.” I sounded almost inaudible. Alfie leaned over and moved my seat back, giving me more leg room. “Face me Lily.” I swung my legs around.

  He cupped my face in his hands, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. A tear fell from my eye and streaked down my cheek. He caught it with his thumb, bringing it up to his mouth. His face closed in on mine, and I shut my eyes.

  I didn’t want to look at him, it hurt too much. His lips landed on my closed eye, kissing one then the other, as his hand stroked the back of my neck.

  It wasn’t a passionate embrace. It was a tender, comforting one; a side to Alfie I’d never seen previously. His face moved to my neck, and he whispered, “Lily, I really don’t want to hurt you honey, all I want is to make you feel good.” I pushed him back.