Enough Isn't Everything (Everything Trilogy)

by Shandwick, K. L.

  “I’ve told you it doesn’t make me feel good. It’s killing me, Alfie, please stop,” I pleaded.

  As I was talking to him, I couldn’t stop my feelings. I was frightened because despite how he was making me feel, I had fallen in love with him. My heart sank to my stomach. This is not how it was supposed to be.

  Alfie sat back and stopped touching me. He huffed out slowly, his breathing ragged. He gripped the sides of his seat as if he was restraining himself from touching me again.

  We sat in silence, but grief washed over me. The reality of why I’d been so tormented by this was hitting me like a tsunami. Not only had I fallen deeply in love with Alfie, but I’d fallen in love with someone who could never love me back.

  I heard myself say, “Don’t do that again, don’t touch me. I’m starting the car, and I’m going to take you home now.” We sat in silence and by the time we arrived at his house, my face was streaming with tears.

  I was too distraught to fight him when he pulled me into him. “Shush,” he whispered. “I really don’t want to hurt you, honey. You need to stay here tonight. You can’t drive home like this.”

  I tensed and he rubbed my back. “I promise I won’t come near you, I’ll sleep on the couch.” I started to protest, but realized that I was such a wreck it wouldn’t be safe for me to drive home. I was too distraught to argue any more.

  Alfie was true to his word, he walked in front of me, putting the nightstand light on and left the room. He reappeared a few minutes later with a bottle of water and some headache pills.

  His face was full of concern, but I asked him to leave me alone and he did, closing the door behind him.

  All I could think about was his touch and that he didn’t want me. His bed smelled of him, and I inhaled his pillow, then cried so hard into it. My sobs racked through my body until my throat and my head ached.

  I rolled onto my side and pulled my knees up tightly. It was like I was trying to protect myself, but it was too late. My soul had been ripped from my body, and he was playing with it. I lay there rocking myself for the longest time until eventually I fell asleep, exhausted.

  When I stirred, it was to a low grinding noise. Then realized it was coffee being ground in the kitchen. I could feel the warm sun on my face and before I opened my eyes, I felt calm. But then I remembered I had to face Alfie and panicked. I jumped to a sitting position, my eyes wide.

  The sunlight streamed through the large window with the blinds that never got drawn down when I went to bed. Remembering I was in his bed, I scrambled out of it and into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Oh. My. God, I can’t be here.

  I began to clean myself up, my eyelids were puffy, and I looked tired. My eyes were clear and shiny though, and I looked a little ‘doe eyed’ after my marathon sobbing session, but my skin glowed. I put my clothes on in a hurry, putting two legs down the one leg of my crop pants in my haste. My body just wouldn’t cooperate.

  I finger brushed my hair and finger scrubbed my teeth with some paste. I found some chewing gum in my purse, and popped it in my mouth to erase the final traces of bad breath.

  I stood watching him at the top of the stairs before he knew I was there. He was singing along to the radio, wearing boxer shorts that hung low on his hips, and nothing else.

  How was I supposed to deal with this? I couldn’t stop myself from staring at his form. His appearance was mesmerizing to me, an incredible, beautiful man; the contours of his profile were perfect. As he moved around the kitchen, different muscle groups flexed and relaxed with his movements.

  He went about his daily routine like nothing had happened, like he didn’t have a care in the world. Again, he had managed to distract me without any effort.

  He tilted his head in the direction of the stairs, his eyes fixing on me when he noticed me standing there. His lips curled and spread into a wide grin. I hadn’t been able to retrieve the practiced phrases I wanted to use on him, because they went clean out of my head as soon as our eyes connected.

  My plan was going to be a quick thank-you for allowing me to stay, a request for him to leave me alone, and I was going to be on my way home. I never got to say any of it because he spoke while I was still collecting my thoughts.

  “Feeling better?” Nope. I forced a smile.

  “Yeah, yesterday kind of sucked,” I croaked and smiled wryly. My body let me down again, when he raked me over with his eyes, by blushing.

  I became a little awkward and hugged myself, and began to move toward the door. “Okay, well, thanks for the bed, but I need to run. All my stuff is back at my place. Do you need a ride to your car or can you get someone to help you?”

  He raised his brow. “I could come by and you could take me after college.” I shrugged, but I knew I was going to ask Will to help me out there. Alfie pulled at his bottom lip with his index finger and thumb. “Lily, can I ask you something?” I really didn’t want to get into another argument with him this morning.

  I nodded, but didn’t speak. “Is it better with Will? Is he a stronger lover?” Fuck, I felt so hurt. He really still thought I was sleeping with Will. I stood still, trying not to show the shock and rage I was feeling at his presumption.

  “You both play together like you are lovers, when he’s blowing his sax I wonder if he’s imagining he’s blowing you Lily.” He smirked. I laughed almost hysterically at his comment.

  “You’re absurd! You do know that, right?”

  He poured himself a coffee, but didn’t make light of it, and I realized he really was serious about Will and I. “I’m sorry, my bad, it’s none of my business?”

  I sighed tiredly. “Damn right it isn’t. What Will and I have… is much stronger than anything physical.” Alfie looked like he didn’t get that. “Will doesn’t get my body, Alfie. What he does do is he fucks my heart and soul, emotional stuff, that’s where our connection comes from.”

  Alfie had a strange look on his face. “I don’t like to think of him with you, Lily.”

  My jaw dropped. “You’re jealous? That’s an emotion, Alfie.”

  “It isn’t jealousy, but if you’re having sex with him, then that makes my chances less.” I thought about how black and white everything was to him.

  “How can you even say stuff like that and think it’s okay? Anyway, what Will and I do is none of your business, Alfie. All you need to know is that you and I aren’t sleeping together.”

  His lips pouted when I said it, and he looked sadly at me. “Any chance we can fix this, Lily?” He leaned back on the counter, his hips tilting in my direction.

  He looked so sexy standing there in his navy boxers, his toned body stretching and flexing as he rocked slightly. I really wanted to slide my arms around his waist and press my face to his chest.

  Instead, I shook my head lamely. “Alfie, all I know is since I’ve met you, apart from the nights we spent together, I have never felt so fucking miserable in my life. So that’s a resounding no. I used to be upbeat, an eternal optimist. But those nights with you, and then you pretending I don’t exist around other people, changed all that for me. I’ve never felt so insignificant in my life.”

  Alfie looked hurt. His eyes pierced mine, then searched my face. “I told you the reason for that,” he said softly, wandering over to rest a hand on my waist, despite my request for him not to touch me.

  “Could you be miserable because we’re not together, Lily?” His voice sounded seductive again and my breath hitched.

  I dug deep and found the strength to argue back. “Alfie… we were never together. We had this weird-fucking-arrangement, that’s all.” I took a step backwards from him.

  He stepped back as well and leaned on the counter again. He waved a hand up and away from his body. “Okay, have it your way. Go, but know this, I never meant to hurt you.”

  He swallowed and his eyes softened. “I want you. You know I want you. I just can’t love you. I really, really like you though, Lily. I’d like to spend time with you. We could have s
ome amazing times together.”

  He sighed and looked seriously at me, and I wished I didn’t love him. “Can you at least think about what we talked about today? Will you text me? Promise me you’ll text me… I still want to know how you are. If I can’t have you physically, I’d like to be your friend.”

  I gave him a small smile, even though I wasn’t feeling confident about his suggestion, but I was still in his home and wanted to appear as amicable for now. “Sure, I’ll think about it.” Even as I said it, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be in a place where I felt able to be just friends with Alfie.

  I turned and headed for his front door and was on the other side of it walking toward my car before he said anything else. The last thing I wanted was Alfie coming after me.

  I stabbed my key in the ignition and drove slowly out of the driveway. In my rearview mirror I saw Alfie standing by the window, his head down, rubbing the back of his neck.

  I steered the car in the right direction and glanced back again at the window. He looked up with a sad expression on his face. Alfie placed his palm over his breastbone and began to rub it. I kind of wished that his action was because his heart ached because I was leaving, but I knew better than that.

  My feelings for him were so raw, so I tried to block him out on the way home. When I got into the safety of my bedroom, I threw myself onto my bed, facedown, and sobbed my heart out again.

  My body ached for him. Everything about him was perfect to me, except his lack of commitment. He was bad for me. I fell asleep for about fifteen minutes and woke with my cell buzzing.

  Will: B there in fifteen.

  Shit. I’d overslept. I practically threw myself in the shower, pulled on some blue cargo pants and a cream t-shirt and was lacing my sandals up when Saffy walked in. “Will’s waiting for you, honey.” She smiled. “I didn’t get much sleep. I went to Will’s place, to wait for him getting back from his meeting last night,” she said smiling ruefully.

  I felt guilty but covered it up by trying to change the subject and threw a cushion at her. “You are both like rabbits!” I’d been part of Will’s meeting, and hoped my feelings of guilt didn’t show. They didn’t appear to as she winked back at me.

  CHAPTER 28: PUTTING IT OUT THERE

  I was out of breath when I got into Will’s car. “Hey,” I said a little breathless.

  Will obviously had a good night, he was grinning when he saw me. “Hi beautiful, how are you this morning?”

  I managed a half smile. “Okay.” Will was pulling out of the condo parking lot and stole a glance at me after pulling out onto the road.

  “Are you sure?”

  He looked again and narrowed his eyes, before focusing again on the road. “Okay, what’s the deal, because you were fine when I left you last night.” Will knew me well now, I couldn’t fool him. I sighed and inhaled sharply before controlling my voice.

  “I had a very interesting conversation with someone I was involved with last night, it’s made me… I don’t know, confused, I suppose.” Will reached over and took my hand.

  “Max?” I shook my head. “From home…in London?” he asked again.

  I felt bad. I hadn’t been honest with Will. I needed to come clean with him about Alfie. “No Will, about Alfie… there’s more to it than I’ve been letting on.”

  Will let go of my hand, and he gripped the steering wheel, his head snapped around to look at me. “Alfie? There is? What do you mean, I don’t understand? He ignores you for the most part.”

  I told Will about meeting Alfie on campus and about my no-strings-sex with him. I stopped short of using the title ‘fuck buddy’.

  Will sat quietly, his mouth pursed in a tight line, looking ahead at the road. He stole glances at me and looked away again every now and then.

  “Are you serious, Lily? This isn’t one of your practical jokes?” I shook my head and had no idea what was running through his mind. Probably that he didn’t know me at all.

  “I’m not proud of it, Will.” I would have to accept it if Will didn’t trust me at all now, but I couldn’t go on letting him defend me about Alfie. I’d been fooling him when he was angry with Alfie for ignoring me.

  He looked mad. “Did the bastard play you, Lily? Did he force into having sex with you?”

  “No, Will, nothing like that. I was more than willing.”

  I saw Will swallow hard when I admitted that. “We’ve been over for a while, since Max, but he doesn’t want it to be finished. The crazy thing is he doesn’t want any commitment either.” I was worried about Will’s reaction now. “I was doing great, but now he’s started coming around more and he’s kind of in my face playing mind games with me.”

  My eyes filled with tears, and I looked up, blinking fast, as I struggled to keep them from falling. I was so tired of crying. I could tell he was processing what I had said and knew he’d have questions for me.

  “So… this conversation last night, it happened in Mandy’s kitchen I take it? Where did that go?” He looked disbelievingly at me. “Did you go home with him?” he asked softly.

  “He was waiting for me outside. I didn’t plan it. He said he only wanted to talk and persuaded me into giving him a ride home. I got upset and ended up staying at his house last night.”

  Will drove into the car lot on campus and switched his engine off.

  He closed his eyes absorbing what I’d told him, and I waited to see how he was going to respond to my deceit.

  “So you stayed the night?” I nodded.

  “I didn’t sleep with him though, if that’s what you think. He slept on the couch. It was supposed to be a simple relationship, but it’s turned out to be a really complicated one, and we’re not even together.”

  “So… What? You want to talk about it with me now?” He seemed to be trying to contain his anger.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I knew him, but I wasn’t proud of what happened. I could really use a friend right now, but I understand you’re hurt that I lied to you.”

  I sniffed and licked a tear that streaked over my lips. “I told you because I don’t want any secrets coming between us and our relationship. If talking about my love life, or the lack of it, does that I’ll keep it to myself.” I swallowed and waited for him to reply.

  He chewed his lip, mulling over what I’d said and shrugged. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I held his gaze, then lowered my eyes.

  “I was ashamed, and although Saffy and Holly know I had a relationship with someone, they never knew who he was. So you are the only person who knows who it is, Will. I really want it to stay that way… and I don’t want him to know you know.”

  His eyes went wide. “Really?” I shook my head. He squeezed my hand. “Guys like Alfie take what they want Lily. You should never have been with him. He would know exactly what it takes to charm you.” I nodded to show Will I knew what he was saying.

  “That’s just it, I got that. It took me a little time, but I got there and broke it off… except he still wants me. This morning, I told him that I wouldn’t go there again with him, and now he wants to be friends.” Will moved my hair away from my face.

  “Can you do that? Be friends with him? Maybe it would ease the tension for him, and he’d move on.”

  I considered what Will said. “I had that thought of that before too, so… maybe, I’ll try.”

  “Meanwhile, talk about it, I’m here for you, and I’ll be honest with you if that’s what you need. Lily, your secret is safe with me.” I felt relieved that someone could share this with me, and I knew that Will cared what happened to me.

  “He… Alfie, asked me if we were sleeping together. He thinks that’s part of the reason I’m not with him.” Will looked wide eyed again, his jaw dropped open.

  I giggled at his shocked look. “Hey, I’m not that bad!” I joked, but felt self-conscious at telling him this. “It’s not the first time. Remember your exchange in the car lot on campus? Then in the kitchen at Mandy’s there were comments too. This morni
ng he asked if you were better than him.”

  Will’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel as he growled, “fucking pervert.” I giggled again, seeing the humor in Will’s anger. “Why would he think we were having sex?” I bunched my brows thinking about that too.

  “He said we played like we were in love.”

  Will raised an eyebrow and glared at me. “What did you tell him?”

  I half smiled. “The truth Will, I told him what we have is better than sex.” I then relayed Alfie’s comments about Will and the sax, although I giggled a lot when I tried to tell him that part.

  “Shit Lily.” He chuckled heartily. His eyes went wide and sparkled with humor. I giggled embarrassed that I’d said anything. “How am I ever going to wrap my lips around my sax without thinking about that now?”

  He scowled, looking tormented. Will’s thinking voice once again failed to stay in his head, and I blushed crimson. Will drew breath again. “He really thinks we are having sex? You think we give off a vibe or something?”

  I shrugged. “What does that matter? We know we’re not. Well, at least if we are, I’m just not feeling it with you, baby.” I winked playfully, pretending to flirt.

  He grinned, but his expression changed to serious. “Me neither… pity though,” he said, chuckling, a mock seductive expression on his face. I swatted him on the arm and smiled warmly, he was funny.

  The actual day at college went better than I expected. My midterm theory and performance exam results were great. I got a lift back from college with Neil, who was passing by my condo building.

  Will and I didn’t have any more discussions about Alfie, but our earlier conversation about him helped me put some perspective on the whole situation with him. I’d been thinking about how to deal with Alfie all day since and how Alfie thought I should try to be friends with him.