‘I get that Brooke and I feel so selfish for it being an issue for me, but it’s been four years, another four years isn’t going to wake her up, another forty years isn’t. He has to get to the stage where he forgives himself and lets her go, putting him, her and her parents out of this daily torture. I really believe in marriage, it’s so important to me. Do I really want to start a relationship with someone knowing that it’s potentially never going to happen? I mean it’s not like I want him to propose and we get married tomorrow, we’re in early days, but I need to know it’s a possibility for the future.’
‘You wouldn’t know it was a possibility even if he didn’t have all that baggage, babe. Look at you and Zac, you were living together and engaged and it was never going to happen, you just didn’t know it.’
‘Zac, thanks for the reminder,’ I sighed. Thank God the emails from Zac had dried up when I didn’t reply to them and I’d not seen or heard from him. So much for me being the love of his life and him wanting to do whatever it took to keep me. No wonder I still had trust and separation issues.
‘You’re a people person, Ellie. You’re not good on your own, you need someone to love and people to love you back to make up for the loss in your life. There’s nothing wrong with that. Is Dan that man?’
‘I think so. I’m in love, deep, painful, don’t want to leave, love.’
‘So thrash it out, take some time apart to reassess and then you both make a decision. For what it’s worth I don’t think you’ll be happy seeing him every now and again and playing second fiddle to another woman, who has him all tied up in emotional knots.’
‘Enough about me. How are you? Is everything ok? Can’t wait to see you again.’
‘I’m great, we’re great babe. My longest relationship yet. I actually think she may be the love of my life.’
‘Well I knew that, just from looking at you together,’ I smiled. ‘I’ve never seen you so happy, it’s love for me too, I feel like I got a new best friend.’
‘Another best friend,’ she gasped. ‘I may love her but I’ll be damned if she replaces me as your bestie.’
‘Never, you’ll always be number one in my heart.’ I screamed as I heard a growl behind me and snapped my head around to see Dan standing at the foot of the bed with an angry look on his face. I ignored Brooke yammering in my ear as my heart raced.
‘You’re on the phone to that arsehole? You’re still seeing him?’ he bit.
‘Shit Brooke, Dan just walked in and I think he’s got the wrong end of the stick with our conversation. I’d better go ok?’
‘Complex,’ she sighed. ‘You scared me to death screaming like that. Ring me tomorrow after work and we’ll sort out plans for going out Saturday, if you’re not spending it with him.’
‘Will do, love you, miss you.’
‘You too, babe.’ She blew me a kiss down the phone and hung up, as did I and turned to face Dan, but he’d disappeared. I found him pacing in the lounge.
‘You scared me sneaking up like that,’ I scolded.
‘I’ve been ringing your damn mobile and you didn’t answer, so I tried the room and you’ve been engaged for over an hour and a half. I just walked in to hear you talking.’
‘About you, to Brooke.’
‘I heard you say Zac’s name and that you were in love with him still,’ he scowled.
‘No. I told her not to remind me of the disaster of Zac and she asked if I felt stronger about you than him. It was you I was talking about. Maybe you can put yourself in my shoes now if you’re jealous of my ex.’
‘You were seriously talking about me for nearly two bloody hours?’
‘You’re a complex man and my feelings for you are … complex as well. Are you ok?’
‘I’m fine,’ he sighed, as he raked his hand through his hair. ‘I’m sorry, I’m a jealous fucked up guy and you deserve better.’
‘Dan,’ I sighed and walked over to him, placing my hands on his chest and I kissed him. ‘Your life’s complicated, I get that. No one’s saying this is going to be easy, which is why we need to try and talk about us without arguing. Have you eaten? Maybe you should eat and we can talk then.’
‘We need to leave now,’ he advised, as he lifted his hand and tucked my hair behind my ear as he placed the other one on my backside, pressing my body against his, against another solid erection. He was a machine. ‘I was trying to call to tell you that I have to fly to San Francisco tonight, some crisis with one of my new code programs. Dean is waiting with the helicopter to fly us back to London, and I’ll catch my plane there.’
‘You’re leaving tonight?’ I tried not to let the disappointment on my face show.
‘I’ll drop you home, then yes I need to go. You need to pack quickly for me.’
‘What about you, don’t you need to pack?’
‘No. I’ll take my case from here, but I have a fully stocked wardrobe in my house in California. God, I wish we didn’t have to leave now, you look so damn hot.’
‘I’m in jeans and a t-shirt,’ I laughed.
‘Still fucking hot. Pack, before I undress you,’ he sighed as he clasped my face and kissed me properly. ‘I’m sorry about my reaction this morning, this is hard for me, but we’ll talk on the flight.’
‘Ok,’ I nodded, feeling like I was drowning in his beautiful eyes. I tore myself away and quickly packed, before I wheeled my case out to the lounge to see him sitting with one ankle up on his knee, his index finger running over his lips with a serious look on his face. God he looked so sexy whatever position he was in, or whatever emotion he was portraying. I had it so bad for him. He carried my case for me and strapped me into the seat on the helicopter and put my headphones on for me. He looked so deep in his thoughts and blinked, surprised when I clasped his face and kissed him, stroking his cheekbones as I smiled at him. I got a smile in return and another kiss before he got in and we took off. ‘How long’s the flight?’
‘About three hours.’
‘Why didn’t you just get your plane to come up here? By the time we get to London you could already be on your way to America.’
‘I wanted to make sure you got home safely, to settle you in.’
‘Thank you, so we have three hours. What are we possibly going to talk about?’ I teased, but saw a frown cross his face.
‘Dean, can you disconnect your headphone from our conversation. Hook back in if there’s a problem or I’ll tap you on the shoulder when you can join us again.’
‘Yes, Sir,’ came Dean’s voice and I saw him press a button on the microphone curved around towards his mouth.
‘We can talk freely,’ confirmed Dan.
‘Ok,’ I nodded. We just sat looking at each other, waiting for the other to go first then he sighed and reached for my hand and linked our fingers before squeezing it tightly.
‘You really love me?’
‘Yes,’ I answered quickly, without any hesitation, as I held his gaze.
‘I … I care for you deeply, Ellie,’ he replied. ‘More deeply than I ever thought I could. I want to make you happy, but … I realise my situation is unusual. I spoke at length with Theo and Florie this morning and they told me that I risk losing you if I don’t let go of the past, including Moira, but I’m just not ready.’
‘I’m not going to force you to Dan, no one can push you into something you’re not ready to do. All I’m asking is that you think carefully about whether you’re doing what’s best for her, her parents, and ultimately for you. I see how you close off and shut down when you go there. You’re carrying this huge burden on your shoulders and I think you’re hinging all your hopes on her waking up and giving you her forgiveness. What if that never happens?’
‘I don’t know,’ he sighed as he rubbed the heel of his free hand over his eyes. ‘I’m not ready to let her go, but I’m not ready to lose you over her either.’
‘I told you it’s no girl’s fantasy to share her man with a reminder of his past, a painful reminder, but …’
I took a deep breath. Was I ready to vocalise these thoughts that had been swimming around since I spoke to Brooke?
‘But what?’ he looked at me hopefully.
‘I’m willing to accept her still being in your life on one condition.’
‘Being?’
‘If you aren’t already, you see a specialist.’
‘I’ve had loads of specialists look at her, Ellie. I don’t know what more I can do.’
‘Not for her, for you,’ I nodded. He frowned and remained silent. ‘This affects you so deeply, Dan. If we’re going to be a couple what affects you will affect me too. I’d like you to see someone who specialises in the type of loss and trauma you’ve been through in your life. If I know that you’re trying to deal with this, that maybe one day you might be ready to let her go and embrace a life with me fully, then that’s all I can ask of you right now.’
‘Simple as that? I see a shrink and you’ll be mine?’
‘I’m yours already. You had me at “Miss Baxter, I presume.”’ I told him, which made him laugh. ‘I’m not a cheater Dan, however we work this while I’m with you there’ll never be anyone else for me.’
‘You really mean that?’ he asked as he raised my hand to his lips and planted a tender kiss on my fingers.
‘Yes,’ I confirmed. ‘You can trust me, you know my history. I find cheating abhorrent.’
‘I’m cheating, by seeing you.’
‘You may be married Dan, but you’re not in a relationship. It’s different. So as long as you’re having therapy I’ll promise not to bug you about seeing her every day, ok?’
‘You’re one amazing woman, Ellie Baxter.’
‘And you’d better not forget it,’ I smiled. ‘But seriously, I’ll be patient for now, but I can’t promise how long I can do that.’
‘That’s fair enough.’
‘There’s one thing I can’t compromise on though,’ I added as I tried to stop myself from trembling.
‘What?’ he asked seriously and I hung my head. This was an area I had a feeling wasn’t going to go down well.
‘Children. I want them.’ I gulped as I heard him suck in through his teeth and his grip on my fingers tightened. I hesitantly looked up at him to see that his face had gone pale. I went to say more, but quickly clamped my lips shut. I’d just made myself succinctly clear. What more could I say? I saw him swallow hard and he turned his face away from me to look out at the scenery we were skimming over, so I did the same as I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles. I needed to give him some time. I just didn’t expect him to take so much time. Even though he never let go of my hand, it was nearly two hours later when his voice finally came through my headset.
‘Is this up for negotiation?’
‘No,’ I replied as I looked around at him and my heart sank. His face was set in a hard line and the warmth had left his eyes. This was dominant businessman Oliver Davenport, not my caring Dan who’d told me his goal was to make me happy.
‘Children aren’t an option for me, Ellie.’
‘You’re infertile?’ I asked surprised.
‘No. I don’t want them.’
‘I don’t understand. You were going to … what changed?’
‘I fucking lost them,’ he snapped as he loosened his fingers and took his hand away from mine. That simple act told me that I was losing him by pushing this issue.
‘And I can’t begin to understand how that felt, but…’
‘No. You can’t,’ he responded as he looked away out of the window again.
‘Don’t close off on me, please. I’m trying to understand, I’m trying to convey something that’s really important to me. I just want us to talk about it honestly.’
‘You want honest?’ he asked as he whipped his thunderous face around to look at me. ‘I’m a murderer. I killed three people and another’s on life support. I’m fucking cursed. Rebecca died carrying my son, if Moira hadn’t been pregnant I’d never have seen her again and she’d still be alive too. I’ve already lost two children, so I’m not allowing you to get pregnant and losing you too, Ellie.’
‘Dan, I don’t know the intimate medical circumstances of Rebecca, I wouldn’t dream of asking you to share them with me unless you wanted to, but surely the risk of something that tragic happening nowadays is minimal.’
‘It’s still a damn risk,’ he muttered stubbornly.
‘So, I’d have whatever tests and investigations you wanted, regular check-ups. I’m not suggesting now, we haven’t even agreed when we’re going to see each other, or found out what our favourite colours are, but this is so important to me.’
‘Your life is more important to me, Ellie. This isn’t something I’ll ever budge on, trust me. If we get to the stage where you’re ready, then you can adopt.’
‘I can adopt? First off it would be “we” can adopt, but adoption’s a last resort for me. I want to have my own child, to feel it growing inside me, to have that close bond until I give birth to it.’
‘I can’t believe how fucking insensitive you’re being about this,’ he gasped. I clutched my face and put my fingers to my temples. This wasn’t going well. Was I being insensitive to want to know one day we’d have a child together? Was I really asking too much? ‘You have my answer. It’s not going to change.’
‘I can’t believe how stubborn you’re being,’ I answered quietly, as I dropped my hands and looked at him again, sure he’d be able to read the hurt in my face. ‘I’ve met you halfway on having your wife in my life, you won’t compromise for me? It can’t all be about you and what you want Dan. That’s not how a relationship works.’
‘I’m sorry. I forgot you were the relationship expert here. I mean you lived with a guy for five years, a guy that cheated on you, lied, stole and had a drug and prostitution habit that went on far longer than he told you it did. You were seeing a married guy without knowing. That’s twice now. Please, bless me with your wisdom on relationships.’
‘Now you’re just being mean again,’ I whispered, as I battled tears forming behind my eyes.
‘I’m being realistic. I’m used to getting what I want and I don’t compromise, Ellie. That’s not how business works.’
‘I’m not a business! I’m a person, a real living, breathing person that will answer back, that will challenge you, that will fight with you. I just want to love you, to make you happy again, to have a family with you one day and you’re treating me like some commodity you can purchase that will only perform the way you want it to.’ I felt him try to take my hand and snatched it away and wiped my face where some stray tears had trickled down.
‘You mean more than that to me, but you’re asking too much of me.’ His voice had softened and was quieter but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I felt so hurt, but having a baby wasn’t something I could set aside just to keep him.
‘Then I guess there’s no point talking about anything else is there?’
‘Don’t back me into a corner and force me down a road I don’t want to go down,’ he warned with determination in his voice.
‘I’m not,’ I replied, as I looked out at the buildings of London below us. ‘I’m not making you do anything, just like you can’t make me do anything. If you really won’t change your mind on me having a baby one day, then I can’t … I can’t carry on seeing you as that’s something I refuse to compromise on.’
‘Ellie, we need to talk about this,’ he sighed.
‘We just did, Dan. I want children, you don’t. It’s a pretty fundamental difference so there’s …’ I took a deep breath as I felt a crushing weight on my chest. ‘There’s no point continuing this and torturing ourselves.’
‘If you think I’m letting you run away from me again you don’t know me very well,’ he snapped. I slowly turned my head and looked at him sadly.
‘I’m not running. I’m stopping this because I already love you Dan, so much you’ll never know and I can’t even explain why you’ve got to me the way that you have. But wh
ile ending this now is going to hurt like hell, it won’t hurt as much as it would a few years down the line if I only then found out that you didn’t want children. I’ve dreamed of getting married for years, I’m the stereotypical little girl who started a scrap book, who believes in true love and happily ever after. I’m prepared to possibly give that up for you, but I won’t give up on the possibility of having my own child. If you’re telling me that it’s never going to happen with you, then there’s no future for us.’ I heard my voice trembling as tears started to stream down my face and I quickly looked back out of the window. This was good. I knew where I stood now. Dan obviously wasn’t the guy for me, no matter how I felt about him. This was better than being in the dark, surely?
‘Ellie … I …’
‘Sir, I hope I’m not interrupting but we’re coming in to land and the wind is quite strong.’
‘Understood, Dean,’ he sighed. ‘Ellie, it may be a little bit rough, but you’re in excellent hands with Dean, there’s no need to be afraid, ok?’
I nodded my head as my blurred vision stopped me from seeing what was going on outside, but I caught my breath as the helicopter banked and shuddered. I didn’t protest when I felt Dan’s hand wrap around mine, he always made me feel safe, even when he was breaking my heart. He squeezed tighter as we made a shaky landing, before letting go of me. I zoned out while he and Dean spoke as I tried to compose myself, rubbing my eyes and cheeks and thanked God I hadn’t got around to putting any mascara on this morning. Dan helped me out of my restraints and gave me his hand to hop down. I let go as soon as my feet were on the floor.
‘Did you have a good flight, Sir?’ asked a well-built gentleman in a suit and cap who approached from a Mercedes parked close by with the back door open.
‘Excellent thank you, James. This is Miss Baxter.’
‘Miss Baxter. Pleasure to meet you.’
‘You too.’ I managed a smile as he indicated for me to get into the car.
31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) Page 11
