‘I’m so sorry Sir, but if we don’t leave now they’ll have to refile flight plans and you won’t make it for the meeting in the morning.’
‘I’ll be right there James, start the engine will you.’
‘Certainly, Sir.’
‘I have to go,’ Dan sighed, as James walked away.
‘You really do,’ I nodded. I let go of him, but reached up and touched his lips. ‘I really loved you, Oliver Daniel Davenport.’
‘Fuck, Ellie. Now you say my real name?’ he groaned, as he caught my hand and kissed it. I forced a smile as I drank in his features one last time. It seemed perverse that he was leaving me for good while I was still warm inside from his semen filling me only minutes before.
‘You said you wanted to make me happy?’ I asked, as our fingers tangled around each other’s, stroking and squeezing, reluctant to let go.
‘I do.’
‘Then walk away and never come back. Don’t contact me ever again, I can’t go through this with you one more time. I hope you find the courage to let her go, forgive yourself and find someone to love. You’re a special man and you deserve to be happy and loved.’
‘So do you, Miss Baxter.’ He kissed my fingers again and gently released my hand and took a deep shaky breath before stepping outside. He kept his eyes on mine as I slowly started to close the door until he disappeared and I flicked the deadbolt down, just in case he did have a key and tried to come in again after me. I jumped as I heard a loud thump on the door, followed by another, then another and his voice yelling ‘Fuck, fuck, FUCK.’
I stumbled over to the dining table and lowered myself into a chair, feeling stunned and numb. My eyes were drawn to the small package he’d set down, which I picked up and opened. How my body could produce more tears I had no idea, but it did when I pulled out the tiny silver puffed heart charm, part of the range of my “Ellie” bracelet that Dan had given me for Christmas, that I never took off. I took out the typed card inside the box.
I wanted you to know that I really, really do too. Now you own my heart Miss Baxter, forever. Keep it close to yours and take care of it as it’s fragile x
I really, really do too? What was he trying to say? What did I really, really do that he agreed with? And what the hell was this heart supposed to signify? Was he trying to tell me that he’d fallen in love with me too? If so why hadn’t he just said that to me himself? Why wouldn’t he express those words? Most of all why wouldn’t he let go of the past and free himself to possibly make a future with me? I lay my head down on my forearms and sobbed. Much as I wanted to run after him, for more answers, to see if he really did love me, it wouldn’t make a difference. While I’d never be happy coming second place to his wife, I could probably learn to live with that. What I couldn’t live with was knowing that he’d never want a child with me. That was a deal breaker for me. I’d already started looking into in vitro fertilisation before I went up to Scotland, so when I was in a better frame of mind, that would be my next step. I had to let Dan go and somehow try and get over him so I could move on with my life. If he didn’t want my love, I knew that a child would and I’d make my son or daughter the top priority in my life. Even if it wasn’t born from two people’s close emotional bond, like I’d dreamed of. I turned on the radio to break the noise of my tears and sighed as Paloma Faith started singing what was in my heart.
I tell myself it don’t mean a thing
And what we got, got no hold on me,
But when you’re not there,
I just crumble.
I tell myself I don’t care that much,
But I feel like I’d die till I feel your touch.
Only love
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Must have been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this.
Said I wouldn’t care if you walked away,
But every time you’re there, I’m begging you to stay
And when you come close, I just tremble.
And every time, every time you go
It’s like a knife that cuts right to my soul.
Only love
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Must have been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this.
Only love can hurt like this
Your kisses burn into my skin
Only love can hurt like this.
But it’s the sweetest pain
Burning hot through my veins
Love is torture, makes me more sure.
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Must have been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this.
Save me, save me
Only love, only love
‘Cause only love can hurt like this
And it must have been a deadly kiss.
Day Eight
Thursday 10th July ~ Year One
Dan
I ordered more coffee to be delivered to my cabin, as well as another ice pack. I’d barely slept all night and it wasn’t the pain in my damn bruised knuckles that had kept me awake, it was the look on her face as she’d closed the door. The pain in my bloody chest as she’d shut me out matched the levels she was obviously feeling. I’d have to pay to have the front door touched up, as I’d chipped off some of the paint when I’d punched it in anger and fucked up my right hand, again. Why the hell couldn’t I just tell her that I was in love with her? I told her I’d give her everything she ever wanted and I couldn’t even say three damn little words. I’d asked Stuart my PA to get me that heart before I headed up to Scotland to see her, his reaction to that request still amused me. I had every intention of telling her and then giving her the box, but every time I went to say it I froze. There’d only been one occasion when I told someone I loved them in the romantic sense. Rebecca. Seconds before she died in my damn arms. I’d sworn to myself that I’d never get that attached to anyone again. No one was going to ever penetrate my heart and cause me pain like that again. Ellie had fucked that up royally. When I’d accepted that Christmas booking from a mystery beautiful blonde, with an amazing smile who made my cock jerk I’d known I was in trouble, even more so when she walked out of the arrivals gate as I stood waiting for her. I’d just not realised how much trouble she’d give me. I wondered if I associated death with the words “I love you.” Maybe that’s why I couldn’t tell her. I rubbed my eyes and called my mother, it was time I sorted myself out. Losing Ellie was a wake-up call.
‘Oliver, carino. How did it go? Did you win her back?’
‘Yes, and then I managed to make her run away again.’
‘Oliver,’ she sighed. ‘Why? Why, why, why?’
‘She’s not sure she can handle the whole situation with Moira and she wants … she wants children.’
‘Well Moira may not be an easy fix emotionally, but you do know deep down what you should do. You need to let her go so you can move on with your life. She’s holding you back.’
‘You all say that as if it’s bloody easy,’ I snapped. I was so irritated with people’s lack of understanding of what switching off that life support machine would mean. I’d be killing her.
‘I’m sure it won’t be easy, but you’re letting one mistake rule the rest of your life. Do you really love this Ellie?’
‘Mother,’ I sighed as I rubbed my face again. I needed my caffeine, pronto. I was tired and seriously irritable.
‘You don’t need to answer. I already know you do. You were so alive on Saturday night knowing you were going to be seeing her again. The joy was painted all over your face, it was in your eyes and your smile. I want to see you like this every day, no mother wants her son to suffer the way you do. And I make no bones of the fact that I long to be a grandmother.’
‘I won’t put her at risk.’ I wasn’t about to see another women I loved suffer during child birth, nor to risk
losing one or both of them again. It would break me.
‘Millions of women around the world give birth safely, darling. You’ve had a tragic run of bad luck in your life, but you have money at your disposal now. You can pay for the best specialists, have a team monitor her throughout her pregnancy watching for any warning signs. Just like you pay for the team to look after Moira. You can minimise that risk.’
‘I can’t lose her.’
‘It seems you’ve lost her already,’ she observed. Christ her and Ellie were two peas in the same bloody pod. It was like they shared a brain or something, trying to use the same logic on me. Reasonable bloody logic, but I wasn’t ready to be swayed. Thank God Ellie didn’t know Portuguese. Actually I had no idea if she knew any languages. ‘What are you going to do about it? Give up? The Oliver I raised isn’t a quitter.’
‘I’m Oliver Davenport, not Oliver Queen.’
‘Who’s Oliver Queen?’
‘A superhero who faces adversity on a weekly basis, but I’m not sure I’d look good in green leathers,’ I advised, trying to lighten the mood.
‘I didn’t think you watched television.’
‘As a general rule no I don’t, but I watch that on my iPad. I guess I feel some affinity to a guy who has to hide his true identity and struggles with the choices from his past.’
‘So what can I do to help? You rang me for a reason,’ she prompted firmly.
‘It’s been pointed out, by the three women in my life, that maybe I’m holding back because of losing Rebecca and Moira and my children. I wondered if your therapist would take me on?’
‘Really? Louvado seja Deus!’ she muttered excitedly.
‘Praise the lord indeed,’ I replied with an amused roll of my eyes.
‘Finally. For how long have I been asking you to seek help?’
‘Are you just going to gloat or can I have his number?’
‘I shall send it to you as soon as we put the phone down. I’m so happy, carino. You must not let this Ellie slip through your fingers. Love is rarely found and when it is, we must grasp it with both hands and never let go.’
‘Are we done with the sermon Vicar Luiza, or can I go and have some coffee and breakfast before I kick some arse in the Bay area?’
‘You’re in San Francisco?’ she exclaimed, surprise evident in her voice and I screwed up my face. A rant was possibly imminent.
‘Landing shortly.’
‘I told you I wanted to come next time you went,’ she moaned.
‘Sorry, it was a last minute thing and I needed some time alone to clear my head. If you can send me his number I’d appreciate it. Send my best to father and Magda and I’ll come and see you when I get back.’
‘When will that be? I’ll make your favourite meal for you,’ she offered. She was taking it easy on me.
‘You don’t eat, let alone cook. Magda will cook my favourite meal for me,’ I laughed. A remnant from her modelling career, mother had the appetite of a midge. Logan would lecture her on healthy eating every time he came around, but with her natural Brazilian curves, even though she ate miniscule portions, she still had an amazing figure. I immediately closed my eyes and drew in a slow breath at the thought of Ellie’s body.
‘Semantics, darling.’
‘All being well I’ll be back in London on Saturday morning,’ I advised.
‘You can talk to me anytime, day or night. I just want you to be happy.’
‘I know you do and I’m sorry if I cause you any heartache. I’ll call you later, ok?’
‘Love you, carino.’
‘You too,’ I smiled as I pressed to end the call. I lay back on the bed and pinched the top of my nose. Therapy might be too late to save whatever my relationship with Ellie was, but now I knew that I had the capacity to feel for someone else, I needed to get sorted if I ever stood a chance of winning her back. I took a shower, masturbated again to the thought of Ellie lying beneath me naked on that dining table, then shaved and dressed in one of my three piece suits Stuart had delivered from my office wardrobe to the plane. Stress didn’t usually affect my appetite in the slightest, so I made short work of my breakfast and a whole pot of coffee before we landed. My American chauffeur Jordan was waiting for me and whisked me straight to my lab in Silicon Valley. I tried to take calming breaths. I was angry inside. Angry at Ellie for walking away from me, angry at myself for being so damn stubborn and letting her, and angry at my chief programmer who’d fucked up two years of research on a software platform that could rival Apple’s. If I didn’t try and control my feelings, someone was likely to get fired. Maybe playing hardball might alleviate my mood and give me back some damn control. I hated being out of control.
Ellie
I sat in the board meeting rapping my pen on my note pad, wearing a pair of green tinted glasses. I looked like crap. I felt like crap. Everything was crap. This was a thousand times worse than when I’d caught Zac cheating. I’d ended up dry sobbing in bed all night, my body simply couldn’t produce any more tears. I’d taken a load of painkillers for my headache and was desperately trying to rehydrate, as well as concentrate.
‘Ellie, how’s the publishing deal with Mimi Sky doing?’
‘Great, the team have drawn up contracts, she’s coming in with her agent to review them tomorrow. I’m taking them to Fifteen for lunch to celebrate after.’
‘Fifteen?’ Jack one of the other Junior Partners raised his eyebrows. ‘Have you had approval for an expensive place like that?’
‘This book’s going to be a best seller Jack and Fifteen is on the authorised list for deals with this level of offer. Maybe if you spent more time cultivating your clients and coaxing a best seller out of them, instead of online gambling, you’d have been aware of that fact,’ I retorted with a glare, then straightened up as I realised I was letting my mood affect my work. I was surprised to hear the Captain let out a belly roar of laughter.
‘Well said, Miss Baxter. You’ve actually pre-empted one of the unannounced items on my agenda, targets for the year. At present only Ellie and Mike are exceeding theirs, which will have an impact on your bonuses at year end. Unless you fancy them taking your share of the pot as well, may I suggest you pull your socks up and get working harder. Any other business?’
‘Not from me,’ I replied with a shake of my head. There was a chorus of “No’s” in agreement around the room and I tried to keep the smug smile off my face at Captain’s backing of me against Jack. He hadn’t exactly been enthused at my promotion, maybe he was worried I’d show him up. He was right to be, he was a lazy chauvinistic jack-ass and I was determined to show him I had what it took. I packed up my briefcase and shrugged on my jacket as I prepared to leave.
‘Ellie, hang back will you, I’d like a word,’ John called, as he sat on the edge of the boardroom table. I looked at him surprised and stayed seated as we waited for the last person to leave and close the door behind them. Surely my performance wasn’t an issue? He’d just stated as much. ‘No need to look so worried, I just wanted to congratulate you on doing such an amazing job. I’m glad I trusted my gut instincts with you and this partnership deal.’
‘Thank you, you had me worried for a moment.’
‘I am worried. About you. You don’t seem your usual cheerful self and tinted glasses tell me that you’re trying to hide something.’
‘I’m sorry, I just have things on my mind, I promise it won’t affect my work.’
‘I know it won’t, you’re one of my most diligent team members, Ellie. As I said I’m worried about you, on a personal level. Is there anything I can do to help?’
‘Unless you’re a trained psychiatrist with a degree in helping stubborn men, sadly not,’ I smiled.
‘Zac?’ He gave me a troubled look.
‘No, not Zac. I think even his issues are low on the complex scale compared to my new … sorry slip of the tongue, my ex man.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that. What can I do to help? Do you need more time off?’
‘That’s really kind of you, but I’m fine. Work is the best option to keep me distracted if that’s ok with you? I’ll remain in the office today, but work from home tomorrow before taking Mimi for lunch, as long as my arrangement is still working out for you?’
‘Ellie, you could work from outer Mongolia for all I care. You’re a damn sight more effective than the rest of the team. I told you that all I ask is that you’re here for board meetings. If you want to see clients from home I don’t mind either.’
‘You’re so different,’ I uttered, then put my hands in front of my mouth horrified.
‘I hope in a good way?’ he asked, as his brow raised and a smile appeared on his face.
‘An excellent way. I’m so sorry, that was insubordinate of me.’
‘Not at all. I’m glad you’ve noticed the change.’
‘You’re really happy with your new man?’
‘Ecstatic. I had no idea how unhappy I actually was, until you pointed out my demeanour at work was less than desirable. It forced me to sit down and have a difficult conversation with my wife and put me on the right path. Now I may be speaking out of turn, but I never had children of my own and I feel very protective of you. It bothers me that you’re not happy. I wouldn’t presume anything, I appreciate that there’s pretty much always a divide between boss and employee, but if you need someone to talk to you can come to me. I promise our discussions would go no further, they wouldn’t impact on my view of you as my Junior Partner, and certainly wouldn’t influence me if your arse needed kicking in any way in the future.’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I replied, as my eyes found new tears. ‘Shit. You’re going to make me cry, just as my swollen eyes were starting to go down.’ I fluttered my hands in front of my face and John reached out and took one between his.
‘Are you free on Friday night? I’d like to take you to dinner. If you don’t want to confide in me that’s fine. But I promise I shall regale you with tales of my blissful life if you don’t.’
31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) Page 13
