‘You’re telling me that in time you’d be happy again, if I walked away and left you alone?’ he whispered and it was my turn to close my eyes, the hurt in his voice was too much. I took in a shaky breath between my tears.
‘Yes,’ I confirmed quietly, knowing I was lying. I’d never be one-hundred percent happy without him. Not knowing what I’d lost. I reopened my eyes and looked straight into his dull defeated ones, my bottom lip losing complete control.
‘If I leave now Ellie I’m never coming back, this is it. If I walk out of that door we’re done, for good. This was your choice not mine and I’m not a forgiving man. You’d better be damn sure this is what you want, as I don’t handle rejection well. Once I step outside you’ll never hear from me again. I’ll refuse to take your calls, or answer your emails and if you turn up in Scotland I’ll refuse to see you as well. Are you sure you’re ready for that?’
‘You haven’t left me with a choice,’ I choked. He took me by surprise with a crushing kiss, mashing his lips forcefully against mine, trying to make me concede as he ground his perfect erection against my hip, his thigh nestled between mine, pressing against my needy aching clit. I had no idea where the strength inside me came from, but I anchored my lips shut. He was trying to break me with our insane desire for each other, this undeniable lust, but I needed more. I needed love and he wasn’t there with me. I sincerely doubted he’d ever be. We had to face facts that we were both too stubborn and shaped by our pasts to ever make it work. He slowly stopped kissing me when he realised I wasn’t responding and had started to cry even harder as reality hit home. He sighed, his lips reverberating against mine, then cold air replaced where his warmth had been only seconds before. He slowly released my hands and stepped away from me with a pained look of agony on his face, reflecting exactly how I was feeling.
‘I’ve never given up on anything that I wanted in my life, Ellie. But if never seeing me again will make you happy, then I’ll compromise my principles, for you.’
‘Thank you,’ I uttered, hardly able to believe this was really it.
‘So I guess this is goodbye then,’ he stated. I clenched my jaw tightly as I nodded. ‘As you wish, Miss Baxter,’ he said coldly, which elicited another sob from me. I knew it had finally sunk in that I wasn’t backing down. He’d really just given up on me, just like I had on him. I pulled my hands from behind my back and covered my face as I took shallow breaths trying to gain some composure before I took my last look at him and said goodbye too. I heaved out a heavy sigh and dropped my hands to face him, only to find I was all alone. I held my breath as I listened to a car door slam and a motor start. My heart was screaming for me to run out of the door and stop him from leaving. To run to Scotland with him. Maybe in time he’d learn to let go of his past and really grow to love me, to want to see me carry his child. My head … my head though told me not to be so ridiculous, to take the overwhelming hit of pain now and be done with it. I sank to the floor and clutched my knees to my chest as I listened to the tyres rolling over the cobbles, the noise moving further and further away, taking the man that was undeniably the love of my life with them.
I was still sitting there, numbly staring at a spot on the floor when Brooke and Molly’s laughter drifted through the open door and I heard a glass bottle smash on the floor right before Brooke sank down next to me and enveloped me in her arms and more tears came.
Day Ten
Saturday 9th August ~ Year One
Dan
‘Don’t make bloody excuses for him,’ I snapped down the phone, highly irritated. ‘And don’t make me fly over five thousand fucking miles each way to sack the bastard myself. I warned him on my last visit that if he didn’t fix his monumental fuck up he’d be out. I want him gone within the hour, I don’t care what position he holds in my team. Strip him of any security passes and keys, change the access codes and notify the security team he’s never to step foot on any of my premises again. We’re done,’ I barked. I flipped off my monitors as I leaned back in my chair and stared at the grey stone wall in front of me, before sweeping my arm across the desk and sending my mug of black coffee flying across the room where it splintered on the oak floor. I watched the steaming hot liquid creeping across the floor, following the grooves in the wood and covered my face. A month. A whole fucking month since I walked away from her and I was still angry. In fact angry was to tame a word for what I was feeling inside. It was like molten lava was flowing through my veins burning me from the inside out. Everything I set my sights on I got. Everything but the one damn thing I wanted most. Ellie. I shook my head as I replayed that last meeting with her, wondering if I’d told her how I really felt about her she’d be here with me now. I was used to women chasing me, not running from me. My warning had been bravado, to cover up the fact that she’d just pulverised me.
I thought she’d run after me, I’d kept my eye on James’s far side wing mirror waiting for her to come out. I’d checked my phone every five damn minutes for a week expecting to see a missed call, text or email. Four weeks of silence. The thing was I’d been so damned sure I could nurture her and protect her, but I’d realised it was the other way around. I was a grain of sand in an oyster shell. She was the one nurturing me, polishing me and protecting me until she’d made me the best that I could be. I’d reluctantly decided that she’d have been waiting an eternity. I wasn’t convinced anything could change me, my telephone sessions with mother’s damn shrink weren’t improving my moods either, or making me see my past or choices in any different light, but if I stood any chance of ever getting her back I had to try. I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes as I tried to block out the thought of her seeing someone else, of another man touching her hand let alone touching her body. My body. She was mine. I jumped at the sound of a loud crack and the feeling of a sting in my palm and looked down to see I’d clenched my fist so tight I’d snapped my pencil in half and a large splinter was embedded. I needed to get some aggression out again, masturbation wasn’t relieving the tension, maybe a round in my gym on my boxing bag might help.
Ellie
I tried to keep my breathing at a steady rate, along with my heart rate as my skin glistened in a film of perspiration. No one had worked me this hard since that last session on the dining table with Dan. God damn it. Why was I thinking about him now?
‘Ellie,’ barked Jason. ‘Faster, harder.’
‘Yes,’ I whimpered with a nod as my hips and thighs screamed in protest. I’d never gone this far with him before and my breathing control was on the verge of being blasted into oblivion. I wanted to scream at him to slow down, I couldn’t take anymore. ‘Stop, stop, I need a rest,’ I moaned. ‘You’re an animal.’
‘Fine, make it to the next bench and stretch off,’ he advised, as he checked his stopwatch. I virtually doubled up over it when I made it. I’d hired him as my personal trainer the week after Dan left. I had this unbearable itch missing sex again, so figured running could take the edge off. We met every morning, rain or shine, to run and work out in Kensington Park. ‘You did well, your personal best, though you’re looking really pale. Are you feeling ok?’ he asked with a frown as he took my wrist and checked my pulse.
‘A bit dizzy and nauseous,’ I nodded as my stomach started to roil.
‘Lie down on the bench, feet up, now.’
‘Has anyone ever accused you of being downright bossy?’ I enquired, as I made my way slowly around, holding my sides. Other than the fact he wasn’t sexy and gorgeous like Dan, he did remind me a lot of him with his ordering around of me.
‘Join my Saturday afternoon boot camp sessions and you’ll soon find out,’ he grinned. I sat on the bench and was about to swing my feet up when saliva filled my mouth. I parted my knees and quickly bent forwards and heaved all over the floor, narrowly missing my new expensive trainers, as I rejoiced in the fact that my hair was in a ponytail. I put my head in my hands as I breathed slowly and did a silent internal laugh as the memory of Brooke bending over to be
sick on one of our karaoke nights sprung to mind. I’d not made it in time to pull her hair back for her and she’d got chunks of puke embedded in her tight red curls and had freaked out until I’d put on some gloves and teased them all out for her. Now that was a true friendship test.
‘Shit,’ I sighed.
‘Water, gentle sips please,’ Jason ordered, as he sat next to me on the bench. ‘So, I think this means that we’re calling it quits early today.’
‘Sorry,’ I nodded as I sat back and wiped my mouth on my sleeve as I swigged some water.
‘How about you text me later and let me know how you’re feeling? We can blow off one tomorrow if you’re not up to it.’
‘Might be a good idea,’ I nodded, as I glugged some more water and swished it around my mouth.
‘Come on, let’s do a gentle walk back.’
‘It’s ok, you go on, I can make my way back.’
‘I’m not keen leaving you if you’re sick, Ellie.’
‘I’m fine honestly, I’m pretty sure what I have won’t kill me,’ I smiled, as I squeezed his shoulder to reassure him.
‘Great. Text me later ok?’
‘Will do,’ I nodded and watched him sprint off. I sat for a while watching the odd jogger and roller blader go past, dog walkers and a group of giggling young mums pushing their strollers and smiled. Life just went on regardless of what was going on behind closed doors. I stood up and headed back home, took a shower and sat on the edge of the bed biting my lip. I needed to speak to Brooke, but she was going to be so pissed with me I needed a moment to compose myself and put my battle armour on. The thought of her yelling at me made me feel sick again.
‘Babe, you’re back already?’ she exclaimed as she answered.
‘I am, we had to cut it short.’
‘I thought he was a slave driver? All no pain, no gain and all that?’
‘O, he definitely is,’ I confirmed, as I thought of our workout yesterday.
‘So are we doing brunch early then? If you’re ready now we could just make this new place in Chelsea that I’ve heard does the best brunches in the city and after the session Brolly had last night, we could eat again. Food that is, not each other. We did plenty of that last night, so not that that’s not tempting to stay in and do all day today, I could really eat some food right now. I’m thinking we could go the whole hog and have a champagne breakfast, what do you think?’
‘Sorry, no can do,’ I replied, as I looked down at the piece of plastic in my hand.
‘No brunch?’ she gasped. I smiled, it was one of our new Saturday rituals as I’d refused to drown my sorrows in Dan by going out drinking anymore.
‘No champagne I’m afraid.’
‘Please, like you’d ever refuse a good bottle of champagne.’
‘Well I definitely won’t be having any champagne for the next eight months, Brooke.’
‘Eh? What the hell’s that all about? Is there a world champagne shortage that I don’t know about?’
‘No, no shortage,’ I smiled.
‘So what’s the dealio?’
‘Are you usually this slow on the uptake?’ I sighed. ‘I won’t be drinking champagne or any other alcohol for the next eight months because I’m pregnant,’ I nodded as I looked down at the stick with the pink confirmation of my status clearly showing. It had been a formality peeing on that stick this morning. It simply confirmed what I’d suspected when I’d missed my period and started throwing up a couple of weeks ago.
‘You’re what?’ she screeched down the phone nearly deafening me. ‘How the hell did that happen?’
‘Hmmm, have you been a lesbian for so long that I need to give you the birds and the bees talk again?’ I asked with a nervous edge to my voice, wanting for her to rant.
‘I know how it happened, just not how it happened. You’re still on the pill right? Right?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then what the hell?’
‘I’m not sure, I mean it shouldn’t have happened. The only thing I can think was there was a night in Scotland where I was throwing up for some time. That must have upset my system at the wrong time, or in this case at just the right time.’
‘O. My. God,’ she uttered in disbelief. ‘You’re seriously pregnant?’
‘Yes,’ I confirmed as a slow smile crept across my face. ‘Asking me repeatedly isn’t going to change the outcome, Brooke.’
‘MOLLY,’ she hollered, making me pull the phone away from my ear. ‘Ellie’s bloody pregnant.’
‘What?!’ I heard Molly call back.
‘O please feel free to announce it to everyone without asking my permission first,’ I objected.
‘We’re family babe, it won’t go any further if you don’t want it to. So is it … is it his?’ she asked quietly.
‘If I was having sex with someone else already don’t you think I’d have told you?’
‘Well you obviously thought you may be pregnant to have gone and bought a damn stick in the first place, and you didn’t ring me so I could hold your hand while you did it,’ she muttered, the annoyance in her voice palpable. ‘You’re not exactly sharing lately.’
‘I didn’t want to think … I was trying not to deal with it, Brooke. Telling you my suspicions would have made it suddenly real.’
‘Have you rung him?’
‘No,’ I bit back quickly.
‘Screw this, we’re not having this momentously important bloody discussion over the phone. MOLLY! Get your arse in gear, we’re going to Ellie’s right now,’ she yelled again.
‘I’ll give you the money if you want to order a takeout breakfast and champagne for the two of you,’ I offered.
‘Too bloody right you will, I’ve been dreaming of that breakfast since I woke up this morning and as I’ve just had the shock of my life I need alcohol. We’ll be there in about forty minutes.’
‘I’m not going anywhere, its puke central here this morning.’
‘Tie your hair back for God’s sake because I couldn’t pick chunks out for you, I swear that’s the most disgusting thing that’s ever happened to me. I could smell vomit for days after when I moved my head and my hair swung across my face. I can’t believe you did that for me.’
‘You’d do it for me if you had to.’
‘Ellie?’
‘Yes?’
‘Are you going to keep it?’ she asked quietly. I took a deep breath and looked down at my hand which I’d automatically placed protectively over my stomach and my eyes filled with tears. I was pregnant. Something I’d been dreaming of for some time, something I was actually already in the process of investigating this in vitro fertilisation option anyway. It may not have happened the way it was supposed to, in a controlled and planned manner, but I was pregnant nevertheless. And not only that, it was by the man I was in love with, even if he didn’t love me back.
‘Yes,’ I breathed, as a full smile broke out on my face. If I’d been pregnant from a one night stand I’d still have made the decision to keep it, but to know that it was Dan’s baby growing inside me, a baby made from our passionate and volatile union made me even more determined that I was going to do this. This baby may only grow up with one parent, but I was going to be the best damn mother the world had ever seen and it was never going to be lacking any love.
‘Holy shit, we’re really doing this?’ she uttered. I loved that she included herself in my predicament. We were family. I picked up my locket and caressed it, wondering what mum and dad would have made of this situation.
‘We’re doing this,’ I agreed, as my tears continued to flow. For once tears of happiness.
‘Wow. Ok we’ll be there soon. Do you need anything from the supermarket? Any cravings yet? Nappies?’
‘No, I’m not craving nappies yet,’ I giggled as I lay back on the bed. ‘Though I’m sure they’d be super tasty.’
‘See you’ve not lost your sarcastic edge,’ she observed.
‘Sorry, but I think we can live without nappies for qu
ite some time. I’d just really like to give my two best friends a hug and for them to reassure me that I can do this, that I’ve not gone completely crazy.’
‘O you are completely crazy, Ellie Baxter. That’s not up for debate, but yes you can do this. You’ve such a big heart and you look after everyone so well that you’re going to be an amazing mother, but we have to have a discussion about the whole Dan part of it babe.’
‘I know,’ I sighed. Me being pregnant really wasn’t the major issue, Dan was. ‘Don’t ruin my happy buzz.’
Day Eleven
Sunday 10th July ~ Year One
Dan
I was in the gym again, bruising my knuckles on my punching bag, sweat dripping off me as I focussed all my internal anger on that swinging bag, following up now and again with a roundhouse kick and a roar. I stopped and bent over with my hands on my knees when I heard the noise of the gym door being opened.
‘You’ll break something,’ came Mrs. McAdams’s voice.
‘I’m made of strong stuff,’ I panted, as I raised my head to look at her.
‘I was talking about the cabin if you kick that bag through my living room wall,’ she smiled. ‘We can hear you pounding it and yelling even with the TV on.’
‘Sorry,’ I sighed, as I straightened up and grabbed a towel to wipe my forehead and throat.
‘Is it helping?’ she asked as she carried a tray over with a cup of coffee, a large club sandwich and some fresh fruit.
‘My fitness levels yes, my mood? Not particularly, no.’
31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) Page 15
