‘You’re still missing her,’ she nodded, as she set the tray down on the desk in the corner of the gym, where I had another computer and office landline just in case.
‘Why is it that I’m surrounded by women so eager to fix my love life?’ I demanded, as I grabbed my coffee and took a sip.
‘Because we care and we love to meddle. Would it be so bad to swallow your pride and go and tell her that you love her?’
‘Love her?’ I raised an eyebrow as I looked at her. I’d not vocalised the depth of my feelings to anyone but James.
‘Please, you’re not fooling anyone but yourself and this lady, laddie. You’re in love, it’s written all over your face and those bruised knuckles from venting your frustrations on that poor bag over there.’
‘I’m not confirming anything, but say I was, love isn’t enough sometimes. She wants things I can’t give her.’
‘Like what?’ Mrs. McAdams demanded as she folded her arms across her chest. What the hell was with all these feisty damn women in my life? I wondered.
‘Marriage, children.’
‘The marriage issue is only an issue by your own making, you have the power to resolve yet you continue to punish yourself with a daily reminder of things that you can never change.’
‘My choice,’ I reminded her with a scowl.
‘Don’t pull that face on me, I could refuse to cook for you and then where would you be?’
‘I could refuse to pay you.’
‘That you could, but you won’t. You’re too decent a man. So if you have the choice to change the one obstacle, and choose not to, you only have yourself to be angry at for your current situation don’t you? So what about the second part of the equation?’
‘That’s on me too,’ I confirmed, as I virtually inhaled the remains of my caffeine fix.
‘You don’t want children?’ she frowned.
‘There’s no law stating that everybody in the world must want children.’
‘No, but if you love someone part of loving them is making them happy. Sometimes that means sacrificing what you want to place their needs above your own.’
‘Has my mother been coaching you?’ I queried. ‘That was pretty much verbatim.’
‘No, though she rings me to see how you are if you refuse to answer your phone, which has been a lot lately.’
‘I want to make Ellie happy, but I simply can’t. You know my past, I can’t lose anyone I love again, I won’t put her through it.’ How many times did I need to keep reminding everyone of this before it finally sank in?
‘Then that’s your decision too, so now you know that you’re the only person standing in the way of your own happiness,’ she sighed. ‘She’ll move on one day, she’ll find someone else to fall in love with, she’ll get married and have a family with them instead. You’ll realise that it could have been you and live with even more regrets for the rest of your life. You’re getting that angry look on your face again. I’ll leave you in peace, but if you break that wall you’ll be paying for it,’ she warned with a pointed finger, before giving my forearm a squeeze. I watched her walk away and blew out a deep breath. She was right, just like mother, Magda and Ellie, but I wasn’t going to be bullied by a bunch of damn women. Like she’d just said, my life, my choice and I’d just have to live with the damned consequences, like I did on a daily basis.
Ellie
‘Brooke, stop looking at my stomach, you can’t see anything,’ I laughed, as I curled up in the corner of the sofa with a hot chocolate and smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel, while her and Molly had a full English fry up that I’d made for them after their overnight stay. I’d insisted last night that I at least enjoy my night with my newfound news, that I didn’t want to ruin it by discussing the complexities of it all. She’d reluctantly agreed and I’d found it quite amusing to see the way she’d keep biting her bottom lip, a sign she was on the verge of talking, but thinking better of it. I was amazed we’d got through an hour of sitting in the kitchen, while I prepared a roast for dinner for the three of us tonight and got our late breakfast underway.
‘So are we having the serious discussion today?’ she asked, as she put her knife and fork down and I sighed. My time was up.
‘We’re here to support you in any way we can Ellie, so no judgements or pushing you to do anything you don’t want to do,’ Molly added with a scowl at Brooke who went to interrupt. ‘We can just calmly discuss your options and choices, give you our opinions, but if they differ from yours we’ll respect your decisions. Won’t we Brooke?’
‘I guess,’ Brooke sighed, not looking entirely convinced.
‘Come on then, let’s get it over with.’ I braced myself for the worst.
‘You’re sure you want to keep it? To potentially be a single mother for the rest of your life?’ Molly asked.
‘Yes I’m sure. You know how much I’ve wanted a baby. I’d have been doing this as soon as I could anyway, so I don’t see the difference. You were both supportive of my investigations into the clinics, besides even if women have a baby with a partner, there’s no guarantee that they won’t become single parents either, with divorce and separation statistics the way that they are.’
‘Fair point,’ she agreed. ‘What about work and finances?’
‘I’m entitled to maternity leave. I work from home most of the time anyway so it’s not like I’m bound by the routines of a nine to five job, as long as I meet deadlines I can work around how I’m feeling. I have enough savings to tide me over while my salary drops until I return back to work properly, there’s no issue there.’
‘Maisie,’ interjected Brooke.
‘What about her?’ I frowned.
‘You have a two seater sports car, with a boot that barely takes the grocery bags. How are you going to fit a buggy and one of those ginormous bags containing endless supplies of baby wipes, formula, bottles, nappies and whatever shit these poor mums have to drag out with them every day?’
‘Ok, admittedly she’s not ideal,’ I conceded, ‘but since living here how often have I used my car? I’m close to work, the shops, the park and my doctors. Groceries I can have delivered to save the hassle of packing up the baby and all that stuff. Guys this isn’t a big deal, other than Maisie you’re not asking me anything that I hadn’t already thought of. I’d already costed up all the new kit I’d need to buy and worked out my finances before I booked the initial clinic appointment.’
‘What about the sex?’
‘I’ll be fine. In the last two years I’ve had eighteen months where I had none at all. I’ll just order extra vibrators if it gets desperate and I haven’t found someone else I want to sleep with.’
‘Well that’s good to hear, but I meant the sex of the baby. Are you going to find out?’ Brooke asked.
‘I’d like to,’ I nodded. ‘As long as it’s healthy with all fingers and toes and any other appendages in place I’ll be happy, but I’d like to prepare with appropriate clothes and toys in advance.’
‘Great, I suppose it’s going to take over my bedroom is it?’ sighed Brooke.
‘Our bedroom,’ corrected Molly with a jab to her side.
‘The guest bedroom,’ I reminded them both. ‘It’s yours for some time guys. I was thinking I’d have the baby in my room to start with, then I could get one of those desks that converts into a double bed so you guys could sleep in the office space when baby Baxter gets his or her own room,’ I shrugged.
‘Baby Davenport,’ corrected Brooke and Molly slapped her arm with another scowl as I raised my eyebrows.
‘We talked about this, Brooke. That wasn’t on the agreed list of questions or suggestions,’ Molly warned.
‘There’s a list?’ I asked, surprised.
‘Yes and gently enquiring about how you’re going to handle things with Dan was on it,’ she added with an apologetic smile at me.
‘What do you want me to say?’ I frowned.
‘How about I handle this, Brooke,’ Molly suggested as B
rooke looked ready to leap in.
‘Fine, whatever. I’m only going to be the bloody auntie, but I don’t get a voice?’
‘That’s not true, Ellie just doesn’t need loads of extra stress and pressure at the moment ok, sweetie?’ Molly leaned over and kissed her and she nodded with a sigh. ‘So, we were wondering when you were going to tell him?’
‘I’m not,’ I replied, bracing myself for the backlash and saw the disappointment on both of their faces.
‘Do you think that’s wise?’
‘It’s complicated.’
‘Because he didn’t want children?’
‘Well there’s that for starters, then there’s the fact that he thought I was on the pill, which I was, but it’s going to look like I found out he was wealthy and did exactly what Moira did, get pregnant to trap him. I never want him to think that this was some attempt to blackmail him.’
‘I get that, but he knows that you were in love with him before you knew about his status, surely that counts for something?’ she said gently.
‘It does, but … there’s the whole thing with Rebecca dying in childbirth. He’s terrified of that ever happening to anyone he cares about again, that’s why he walked away from me. He said he’d rather lose me, than go through that again. How can I put him under that sort of stress? When he already blames himself for her death and this whole fucked up situation with Moira? I can’t do it to him.’ I felt my eyes filling up and Molly reached over and held my hand as Brooke rubbed her face with another sigh.
‘He’s the father, Ellie. I may sort of hate him for jerking you around so much, but he deserves to know.’
‘You think I haven’t already thought about that? If he loved me it might make me feel differently, but he doesn’t, Brooke. I know if he found out I was pregnant it would put untold stress on him, not to mention how he’d feel in that delivery room, reliving every moment of the woman he did actually love dying. I can’t hurt him like that, I love him and I won’t do it.’
‘Ellie, for God’s sake,’ Brooke muttered.
‘Brooke, no,’ Molly warned with a shake of her head. ‘Even if we disagree we don’t know Dan, Ellie does and it’s her choice remember? No one can force her to do anything. Ok, let’s say you don’t tell him, you have the baby, you’re both well and healthy then will you tell him?’
‘Of course I will, I’m not inhuman. He has the right to know that he has a child, just as much as that child has the right to know his father. Somehow I’ll let him know and it’s his decision if he wants to be in the baby’s life isn’t it?’
‘Ok, that seems fair given its not normal circumstances doesn’t it, Brooke?’
‘I’m going on record that I don’t agree, but if that’s what Ellie wants to do I’ll respect it. But you’ll get a big fat fucking I told you so if he’s furious when it comes to light and it all backfires on you.’
‘Not the supportive encouragement we discussed this morning,’ Molly sighed, as she flashed me another apologetic smile.
‘That’s ok, I understand that most people wouldn’t agree, but like you say this is my decision and if it’s the wrong one I’ll have to learn to live with that, won’t I?’
‘Ok well those were really our only concerns, but we do have some other things we’d like to discuss with you, don’t we Brooke?’
‘We do,’ she agreed with another sigh.
‘O God, what now?’ I groaned.
‘We’re going to make sure one of us is always available for your antenatal classes, you’re not doing this totally alone, ok?’ Molly smiled.
‘Really?’ My face lit up, I’d been dreading being the only single mother there.
‘Don’t look so happy yet,’ Brooke replied, as she finally cracked a smile. ‘We want to move in as well, nearer the birth when you’re at the stage lifting and carrying is a bad idea, and we’ll stay until you’re through that horrible part where they’re not sleeping through the night and need to eat all the damn time, as you’ll be exhausted doing it alone.’
‘Guys,’ I moaned, as I started crying properly, feeling overwhelmed at their generosity.
‘Well you’re all alone and you haven’t even got your parents here to help you, we want to be part of this too,’ Molly advised as she squeezed my hand.
‘You really mean it?’
‘We do, though you can place me on any duties but nappies,’ laughed Brooke. ‘That shit stinks.’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I uttered, as I dragged my sleeve across my face.
‘Well first you can give me a hug you stubborn old mare,’ she smiled, as she got up and came and sat the other side of me. I buried my face in her neck as she held me tightly. ‘We can do this, the two of us can help you get through this, ok?’
‘I love you, both of you,’ I sniffed as I detached myself from Brooke and hugged Molly too.
‘We love you too, though you may revise that assessment when we move in for real. Brooke screams like a banshee when she comes.’
‘O thanks,’ I laughed, as I rubbed my eyes again and straightened up.
‘Don’t worry I’ll buy you some ear defenders, I wonder if they do baby ones? Do babies get traumatised by hearing lesbians having sex?’ Brooke enquired.
‘I’ve no idea,’ I smiled.
‘Shit, Ellie. You’re going to be a damn mum.’
‘I know,’ I nodded, as I took a deep shaky breath.
‘So what happens first?’ asked Molly.
‘I guess I make an appointment at the doctors this week to confirm it, I’d like to keep it under wraps until I have my scan and know everything’s ok and have a due date.’
‘How soon can you find out if it’s a boy or a girl?’ Brooke asked.
‘I’m not sure, maybe the first or second scan? I’ll have to find out when this week.’
‘Well whatever you have that kid’s going to be one good looking fucker with your two genes combined, that’s for sure,’ she added, as Molly shook her head in despair. I smiled, with a heavy heart that I couldn’t share my excitement with the one guy that I really wanted to.
Day Twelve
Saturday 4th April ~ Year Two
Ellie
‘Molly!’ I screamed from the bathroom and heard her pounding up the stairs. She burst through the bathroom door and looked at me wide eyed as I clung to the sink panting.
‘Now?’ she gasped.
‘Now,’ I nodded, as I flicked my head down to where my waters had broken on the floor.
‘O my God, right, slow even breaths just like we practised, ok? Come and sit on the toilet a second while I get you some fresh knickers and a skirt, your bag’s already at the front door. I’ll ring the hospital to let them know we’re on the way, then a taxi and then Brooke. She can meet us there as it’s closer to work.’
‘Ok,’ I nodded, as I tried to stay calm and breathe the way we’d been taught in our classes. She ran out and I placed both hands on my protruding stomach as I looked down at it. ‘You’re four days late,’ I scolded, ‘so you’d better not cling on in there for hours, because I’m fed up of waiting and want to meet you already.’ I gripped the countertop of the sink next to me as another contraction tore through me and thanked God that I’d had an easy pregnancy. The sickness had passed really quickly, I hadn’t had any cravings to speak of, I’d kept up with my fitness so I wasn’t carrying any additional fat. Even though my stomach was huge, it was a neat bump and from the back you wouldn’t have known that I was pregnant. If I was standing still that was. Brooke found it hysterical to watch me walking, insisting that I looked like a waddling penguin and that I’d lost all my grace, with Molly telling her off for giving me a complex. I’d have been lost without the two of them. I’m sure it was the pregnancy hormones making me feel extra vulnerable, but I’d found it even harder than I’d imagined to not have my parents to share in this experience, let alone Dan. I’d have moments of guilt where I thought he should know, then changed my mind deciding he wouldn’t want to.
Today was just a reminder that I wouldn’t be able to put off trying to contact him for long.
‘Right, take my arm and stand up, Brooke’s packing up at work, I called someone in that I’ve had on standby all week to cover her shifts. She’ll probably get to the hospital before we do.’
‘Ok,’ I nodded as she helped me up and quickly slid my wet clothes off me and handed me some baby wipes to clean myself up, before helping me dress in my fresh clothes.
‘I can’t believe it’s finally time,’ she grinned, as she helped me up the bathroom steps into my bedroom. I smiled as I looked at it all set up ready for the arrival, with a basinet by the bed, a cot in the corner, a nursing chair and solid oak baby changing unit, tiny wardrobe and chest of drawers. The cot was already full of teddies and the wardrobe and drawers with clothes.
‘John and Edward,’ I gasped, as the carefully assembled cot reminded me of them both. It had been hilarious watching them trying to fathom the instructions, even more hilarious when they’d assembled it in the lounge, took it up to the bedroom and realised it didn’t fit through the damn door. John and I had become so close, which given our relationship only sixteen months ago was incredible. He was like a surrogate father figure and Edward was a lovely man with an amazing sense of humour. I invited them around for dinner quite often, with Brooke and Molly too, and joked that I just needed a transsexual to make Pavilion Mews a new LBGT hang out.
‘Already sent the text, we’ve rehearsed this often enough, so you don’t need to worry about anything but staying calm and breathing properly, ok?’
I nodded as we carefully made our way down the stairs and I hung onto the kitchen island as she checked her handbag and then did another check of the overnight bag for me and the baby bag. John already had the new born baby car seat in his vehicle, ready to bring us home from the hospital. Molly opened the door as a car horn sounded and the taxi driver held the door open for me as she helped me in.
‘Don’t worry, my waters have already broken,’ I smiled, as I saw his eyes go wide at the size of my stomach.
31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) Page 16
