‘I’m more worried about that bursting love,’ he laughed, as he helped Molly with the bags. ‘Or the seatbelt fitting around you.’ Molly rolled her eyes at me and I laughed, if he’d said that in front of Brooke she’d have belted him. I gasped as another contraction claimed me and Molly grabbed my hand.
‘Squeeze mine as hard as you can, ok?’
I closed my eyes and focussed on her thumb rubbing over my hand, focussed on anything but the next wave of pain. I barely registered the journey to the hospital, but the minute Molly helped me out of the taxi I heard a scream and Brooke came flying towards me and flung her arms around me from the side plastering my cheek in kisses.
‘Typical you drop the baby juice the minute I take a shift at work.’
‘Baby juice?’ I grimaced with a chuckle at her terminology, then winced and clutched my stomach again.
‘Ok stop messing around you two, her contractions have speeded up we need to get her in,’ ordered Molly.
‘You’ve been timing me?’ I whispered.
‘O crap, here come the tears again, I can’t wait for the tears phase to end,’ groaned Brooke as she held my hand while Molly paid the taxi driver and carried the bags for us. We checked in at Reception who allocated me my pre-paid private room. After carrying out some observations and tests, it wasn’t long before I was told it was time that we moved down to the birthing suite. We’d already discussed and agreed in advance that Brooke would come into the delivery room with me, as only one person could, and that she was also going to stay the night in my room with me. It hadn’t been cheap booking in here, but I wanted the best care, just in case. I’d been having nightmares about losing the baby during childbirth, which I knew were manifestations of my guilt and worry over Dan and his loss.
‘See all three of you soon,’ Molly whispered as she planted a kiss on my forehead and squeezed my hand.
‘Thank you, for everything,’ I nodded.
‘Anytime,’ she smiled.
‘I don’t see it happening again,’ I replied with a shake of my head as I wiped my face and then cried out again.
‘We need to move please,’ smiled Andrea my midwife. ‘Ellie’s baby’s not waiting any longer.’
‘See you later, babe.’ Brooke kissed Molly and turned to catch us up, as Andrea had whisked me off down the corridor in my wheelchair.
‘Ahhhhh,’ I screamed as I pushed as hard as I could, with Brooke mopping the sweat off my forehead.
‘Jesus. If we’re having kids Molly’s squirting them out, I don’t deal well with shutting my thumb in a door, let alone that.’
‘Brooke,’ warned Andrea with a laugh. ‘You’re supposed to be reassuring her.’
‘I can’t push anymore,’ I sobbed as I flopped back on the bed. I was done in. Even sex with Dan in his vigorous mode, or one of Jason’s fitness sessions hadn’t wiped me out like this.
‘Yes you can, you’re so close babe, come on, you’ve been waiting for this for months, what’s a few more pushes?’
‘Brooke, I … I wish …’ I started screaming again as I raised off the bed, my knuckles turning white as they gripped the bed rail on the right, and Brooke’s hand on the left, and I heard her wince.
‘You wish what?’ she asked as I sank back down again with Andrea shouting instructions in the background.
‘He was here,’ I barely whispered.
‘Dan?’ Brooke gasped, looking at me in shock. I hadn’t brought him up once since the weekend I’d told her I was pregnant. She kept badgering me to call him and I’d just ignore her. Every month that had gone past it seemed the bigger that I got, the bigger the hole in my heart. I missed him, so much. Time hadn’t been a healer, it had made things even more painful and to not have him here at my side, when I was giving birth to his son, was killing me. I’d sort of hoped for a boy and I’d been so excited when it was confirmed. Brooke and Molly had wanted a girl to dress up and play with her hair and I had to remind them my child was just that, not a doll for them to accessorise. ‘I can ring him, leave a message, with his helicopter or plane he could be here in minutes,’ she offered.
‘From Scotland? Or America? Or wherever the hell he is?’ I looked up at her sadly before screaming again with another push.
‘O babe, you’re all emotional because you’re in pain and tired and about to have a seriously big moment in your life. You were adamant about this, you said it wouldn’t have been enjoyable for him as he’d have been worrying that something was going to go wrong.’
‘It’s not exactly enjoyable for me,’ I cried, as tears of frustration, anger and pain poured down my face.
‘Ok Ellie, I can see his head, he’s nearly here, a couple more pushes and you’re done, ok?’ called Andrea.
‘Ahhhh push it, p.p.push it real good,’ Brooke sang and I rolled my eyes at her inappropriate karaoke humour. ‘Come on Ellie, you can do it, you can do it, you can do it, power through it,’ she ordered.
‘Have you been … hanging out … with Jason?’ I panted.
‘I’m trying to be all encouraging, while resisting the urge to look down there. I had this fantasy of what you may look like when I was crushing on you all those years ago, but to see a baby’s head sticking out of it would just ruin that, in fact it might put me off pussy for life and swing me back to the cock side,’ she smiled and I couldn’t help letting out a brief chuckle before Andrea told us off and reminded us to concentrate. I’d never felt pain like it in those last couple of pushes, I’d refused an epidural, I wanted to do it naturally, just like my mum had. The second I felt my son leave my body and heard his tiny high pitched cry, a wave of adrenaline and love hit me and suddenly the pain was gone as I tried to sit up to see him.
‘Congratulations Ellie, he’s perfect,’ Andrea announced. ‘Lie back for me, you can have him for a minute before I get him cleaned up and wrapped in a blanket and you can have him to hold properly, ok?’
‘Ok,’ I nodded, as tears of joy streamed down my face. I felt Brooke’s hand squeezing mine as her other soothed my damp forehead and I looked up at her to see she was crying as well.
‘I saw him, he’s all blotchy with serious chubby rolls around his arms and legs. He’s a heifer, babe.’
‘A heifer’s a female cow,’ I uttered in disbelief as she passed me a tissue and grabbed one for herself.
‘Well he could be a stallion, like his dad, but I never got a chance to look,’ she winked.
‘I’m not sure baby penis sizes are indicative of their manhood sizes,’ I sighed with a shake of my head and apologetic smile at Andrea, before Brooke arranged my pillows behind me. Andrea came closer and gently handed him over to me. ‘O my God,’ I whispered, as I looked at him lying there in my arms.
‘Damn he’s ugly,’ Brooke uttered and I looked up at her in horror. ‘Shit, obviously too early for teasing,’ she grimaced.
‘He’s not ugly, he’s … he’s perfect. Look at those tiny lips and that small straight nose.’ I put the tip of my finger in his little hand and it automatically tightened around mine making my heart blossom and a feeling of warmth spread throughout me, as I was overcome with the amount of love I felt for this little person in my arms. My son. Dan’s son. I started crying again, properly, uncontrollably.
‘Babe, what’s wrong?’ gasped Brooke.
‘She’s tired and emotional and I’d imagine finding it hard that the father isn’t here,’ Andrea confirmed. I’d already told her of my situation and she’d told me that men often felt helpless during the birth, as well as guilty that their partner was in pain. Knowing that, and compounding it with Dan’s experiences, just reinforced my concerns that it would have made it even harder for him to witness what had just happened. ‘Have a rest for a moment Ellie, I’ll get him cleaned up and do his measurements and tests. Then we can wrap him up and see if he wants to breast feed.’
‘Do you have to take him?’ I moaned, as I looked up at her sadly.
‘I do, I’m sorry, but he’s going to be all you
rs for a very long time and trust me, at some stage you’ll be begging for a break. So did you choose your name?’
‘I knew his name from the moment I found out he was a boy,’ I nodded. ‘He’s going to be named after his dad. His name’s Oliver, Oliver Baxter.’
‘Then let’s get Oliver all clean and well fed, so he can meet everyone that’s impatiently waiting in the lounge to see you both,’ she smiled and I reluctantly let her take him out of my arms, the sense of loss I felt took me by surprise and I felt more tears rolling down my face.
‘Andrea?’ called Brooke.
‘Yes?’
‘How long before she stops with the waterworks over everything?’
‘Give it a few months,’ Andrea smiled as Brooke groaned. I cried even harder when I heard Oliver let out another cry and I couldn’t comfort him.
After she handed him back I just cuddled and kissed him repeatedly for half an hour. I really didn’t want to let him go, but I needed a shower desperately. Andrea sent one of the nurses in to watch over him in his pod next to my bed, while Brooke helped me clean up and got me dressed in my pyjamas.
‘How are you feeling now?’ she asked as she dried my hair for me.
‘Tired, but so happy,’ I smiled.
‘He’s gorgeous, just like we knew he’d be.’
‘He is,’ I nodded.
‘He’s going to be breaking hearts in about thirteen years’ time.’
‘Brooke, he’s still hours old, I don’t want to think about him chasing girls and possibly having sex, thank you very much.’
‘Sorry, but they say they grow up fast.’
‘Not that fast. You know I think I’m going to be a clingy mum, because I’m missing him already.’
‘I bet he’s missing you too. I thought he was going to take your nipple off he was tugging that hard,’ she laughed.
‘He’s got an appetite,’ I nodded. ‘Just like … like his dad.’
‘Call him now, for the love of God. You made it through the birth fine, you’re both alive and healthy, so you can’t use that excuse anymore for shielding him from this. You paid for all your own baby stuff and private treatment, he’s not going to think you’re after his money. You only broke up with him because he didn’t want to get you pregnant or let you give birth. Well you’ve ticked that off the list already. If you love him still, get him back.’
‘Brooke, I’m seriously tired and my emotions are all over the place, I couldn’t handle another train wreck of a meeting with Dan right now. Give me some time. Let me bond with Oliver, settle him in at home and get back to full fitness myself, then I’ll try and get hold of him, ok? Just don’t give me grief today, please,’ I begged. I had no idea how Dan would react anyway. If he even took my call, as he’d threatened he wouldn’t. Besides, he might be furious, he might want nothing to do with his son and that would kill me. I wasn’t strong enough to handle a reaction like that yet, if ever.
‘Fine, but it’s a conversation that’s on hold, not discontinued,’ she advised, as she kissed my forehead.
I lay back on my pillows feeling so proud as Brooke, Molly, John, Edward and Natasha all cooed over him. The pride was interspersed with moments of sheer terror as they passed him from one to another, his little blue knitted hat sticking out of the blue and white checked blanket. He had a full head of dark hair, which had surprised me. Not that it was dark hair, given Dan’s was black, but just how much of it there was. He was longer than the average baby, heavier too at nine pounds and three ounces, no wonder my vagina hurt like hell. I thanked God that I’d been religiously doing my pelvic floor exercises and I was determined to keep doing them to try and get back in shape, along with my baby belly. Jason was already booked for as soon as possible, to help me work out at home. I’d managed to squeeze a treadmill into the garage, so I could at least run while Oliver was sleeping. Well that was the plan anyway. I was startled out of my daydream by another high pitched wail and Natasha grimaced and quickly handed him back to me.
‘I think he shit himself, I can smell it,’ she groaned, as she stepped back.
‘It’s not him,’ I protested. ‘Trust me, I’ve read nearly every book going and they don’t do normal poos for a while, what they do expel is normally odourless to start.’
‘Well that isn’t,’ laughed John, as everyone but Brooke scuttled over to the window.
‘Brooke Hanson, if you dare let my son take the blame when you just did a silent but deadly fart, you gaseous old mare, you’re off the godmother list.’
‘I’ve been eating rubbish for two days as I was so stressed about you going into labour,’ she moaned, as everyone laughed. They all started chattering about their worst fart stories, which normally I’d have found hilarious, but not today. Today I had something far more interesting to focus on. I smiled as I looked down at my beautiful boy, at his little rosy cheeks against perfectly creamy skin and I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. I held my breath as his eyes slowly opened and he looked straight at me, only for a second or two before he closed them again, but I felt my stomach knot in a way that it hadn’t done since I’d fallen in love with Dan. I so wished he’d wanted this, that he’d been here to share in this moment with me, with us, but no way was that disappointment interfering with quite possibly the happiest day of my life. I kissed my locket, knowing how proud mum and dad would have been and gently rocked Oliver to sleep.
Day Thirteen
Friday 3rd July ~ Year Two
Ellie
I stretched out in bed and smiled. Oliver was in his cot, gurgling away happily and I wondered what he was trying to say in his own little language. The last three months had been hard work, adjusting to sleepless nights, panicking every time he made a noise in the night, or let out a cry that I hadn’t quite learned back then. Then there was his constant demand for food. I don’t know what I’d have done without Brooke and Molly. I took the majority of shifts with him in the night, I wanted to, besides they were still working and I wasn’t yet, other than the odd oversight of a manuscript John wanted my attention on. But the nights they fed him, with my expressed milk, meant I had a chance to get a few more hours sleep than normal. It was also nice to have the odd relaxing bath, I’d overcome my fear of water when it came to baths, but I wasn’t sure I ever would with swimming pools or open water. I got up and padded over to see him and his face broke into a huge smile with another gurgle as he saw my face.
‘Good morning my cherub,’ I smiled, as I reached in and hauled him up against my chest and kissed every inch of skin I could see. Every mother thought their baby was beautiful, even the ugly ones, but he really was. I took him for a long fast walk every day in the park in his stroller, part of my keep fit regime and people would slow me down cooing over him for longer than was normal. His smile broke my heart every time and having him lessened the blow of having lost Dan. I sighed as I padded downstairs quietly with Oliver and sat at the dining table and fed him, then just held him and kissed his cheek and rubbed his back while he burped. I lay him in his playpen in the corner of the dining room as I prepared a big breakfast for us all. Brooke had insisted it was time for her and Molly to move out, much as they didn’t want to. I didn’t want them to either, but Oliver was so well behaved and nearly sleeping through the night. They were right, it was time I learned to stand on my own two feet with him. They both had the day off work and were going to pack up and move all their stuff out, then John and Edward had offered to come over and babysit so I could take the girls out for the night to thank them for everything they’d done for me.
It would be my first time apart from Oliver and while it would be nice to have a sophisticated meal, a few glasses of wine and a dance, I was anxious about being parted from him. I really missed mum at times like this. I hadn’t got a friend who’d had children, and without mum to give me reassurances and tips, I’d learned by practice, mistakes and reading. Then again, maybe having someone constantly telling you how to look after your child, would get tiresome rea
lly fast as well. I laughed as he continued to gurgle away to himself. I yelled up the stairs for the girls to come down as I started cooking, by the time they made it down it would be ready. Molly bounded down first and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
‘Morning, how are you doing? Did you have a good night with him?’
‘I’m doing fine thanks, he was really good, he is really good.’
‘He sure is,’ she smiled, as she headed over and scooped him up for a cuddle. ‘He’s such a good boy.’
‘He’s going to miss you both, I’ll miss you both.’
‘God we’ll miss you too, so much. I won’t get to kiss his delicious soft chubby neck anymore,’ she replied, as she planted one kiss after another on it.
‘Morning,’ yawned Brooke, as she appeared.
‘Morning, how come Molly’s all bright and cheerful and you’re so tired?’
‘I have sympathy mothers hearing. I keep waking up to listen for him crying for his dinner,’ she replied, as we pecked each other’s cheeks and she went to fight Molly for custody. We were unusually quiet as we ate, I think all of us were feeling sad. They’d moved in when I was seven months pregnant, so we’d been together for five months and even with the sleepless nights, we’d had a blast. Laughing with them on a daily basis took my mind off my dilemma.
‘So,’ coughed Brooke. ‘He’s three months old, do you think it’s time?’
‘Time?’ I questioned, as I looked up at her.
‘To tell Dan,’ she sighed, which I replicated. So much for taking my mind off it.
‘I’m not ready,’ I protested, as I started clearing up the plates.
‘When will you be ready?’
‘I don’t know Brooke, it’s not something I can just set a date on and do. I need to do it when the time feels right.’
‘What, when Ollie’s eighteen and leaving home?’
‘Brooke,’ warned Molly with a frown.
‘No, Molly. There’s always some excuse and I just don’t get it now. You still love the guy, you may not talk about him anymore, but I know you, Ellie Baxter. I see the glazed look in your eyes when you’re staring at Ollie. You see Dan in him and you miss him. Tell him, for the love of God.’
31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) Page 17
