Yours and Mine (Friends with Benefits)

by Lacey Silks

  “Carter? Can you ask my father to bring Mackenzie here?”

  “Already did. They’ll be here in half an hour.”

  “Okay. I think I’ll close my eyes for a moment.”

  “Sure. Take as long as you need, Jo. I’ll be here. I promise.”

  I remembered Nick made a promise to me too — that he would come back. He broke it, and he broke my heart. I missed him with my whole body, inside and out. I lost my best friend and the father of my child, who didn’t even know that he had a child. I wished he at least had known her. Maybe if he had, he wouldn’t have left. Part of me hated him for that and another part would love him forever for the most beautiful gift he’d given me: a daughter.

  Chapter 24

  Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years: three years, to be exact. It had been three years since, along with Mackenzie, I had moved into Carter’s house, and four years since I’d found out about Nick’s death. I wish I could say it was easier now, and maybe on some level it was, because of Mackenzie, but when she wasn’t around, in the darkest hours of the night, I always felt like I was living a nightmare.

  Today was a long day of filling new orders, so I’d been up since four in the morning and missed kissing Mackenzie when she got up. She was spending today with Carter, who had a day off. I didn’t leave the bakery until six o’clock, and I usually liked to get home earlier so that I could spend time with my daughter. I mean, she was always over at the bakery, mixing something with Grandma, but it wasn’t the same. When it was just the two of us, plus Carter of course, I felt complete.

  On my way home, I bumped into my duo at Mrs. Gladstone’s ranch. I leaned against the gate and watched Mackenzie ride Tank. Given that we lived right beside Mrs. Gladstone’s ranch, Mackenzie and the cows there had become quite close — especially when she fed them my cupcakes over our backyard fence. The bull that had been born on the same day as my daughter was fully grown now.

  She squealed and laughed as he paced, led by Carter. Sometimes Tank jumped a little, as if he knew it would make Mackenzie giggle. I waved to her when she saw me, and they came over to the gate.

  “Hi, baby. Are you being careful with Tank?” I asked Mackenzie, but I was looking directly at Carter.

  She nodded, leaning down to give me a kiss while keeping her upper body firmly on Tank.

  “I promise we’re being safe,” Carter said.

  “Because you know that Tank has a temper sometimes.” While it had been fun for Mackenzie to ride Betsy’s calf when he was younger, I was afraid she’d fall off the beast someday, or worse. In spite of his temper, though, when he was around Mackenzie, he was as gentle as a lamb.

  “It’s okay, Mamma. Tank and I are buddies.”

  Maybe it was time to think about pre-school more seriously. Up until now, Mackenzie’s days had been spent at the bakery. She was quickly becoming a good baker, too, though she was also sassy with our clients. Her over-confidence and positivity reminded me of Nick. I wondered whether she needed more interaction with kids her own age.

  “Will you be long?” I asked.

  “Another half hour, maybe.”

  “I might take a quick nap.”

  “Take your time. Dinner’s in the warming drawer.”

  “Thank you.” I leaned over and kissed Carter on his cheek. Mackenzie leaned down off Tank and gave me a kiss as well, saying, “Come on, Tank. I know you can gallop.”

  I mouthed no to Carter. There was no way that I wanted Mackenzie to be galloping on a bull. He winked at me, understanding my fear.

  Tired, I walked home. It smelled like spaghetti and meatballs, but I had no strength to eat. And once I sat down on the couch, I couldn’t move. My muscles were aching in all the wrong places. I pulled a blanket on top of me and laid down. I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew I heard happy screams and splashes from the back yard. Carter had a pool installed the year before, and splashing around had quickly become one of Mackenzie’s favorite activities. I stood up and wrapped a blanket around my body before stepping outside. Mackenzie was in the shallow end of Carter’s pool, squirting water through a bottle right onto Carter’s face, while he pretended that he was drowning. She was laughing so hard that her little belly was shaking. Having never met her father, I had no doubt that she’d have a void in her heart for the rest of her life, but at least she’d never feel the loss of such a wonderful man like Nick. Maybe this was better. Perhaps having a positive male role model like Carter was better than mourning someone you loved with your soul.

  I stepped over the patio stones and pulled out a chair. It squeaked as I sat down, drawing Mackenzie’s attention toward me.

  “Mamma, come swim!”

  I waved. “It’s getting a little late, isn’t it? You’re going to turn into a raisin.”

  Mackenzie laughed, completely ignoring me, “Look! I can almost swim.” She flapped her arms back and forth over the water while walking on the pool steps. She still wasn’t too comfortable in the shallow end on her own. Mackenzie was shorter than most kids her age, which meant that she took her height from my side, not Nick’s. “And Uncle Carter told me that he’d teach me how to swim for reals.”

  Each time I heard her say for reals, it reminded me of Nick. Goosebumps covered my arms.

  “You’re a natural swimmer, Mac. I know you can do it,” Carter encouraged, supporting her body above the water.

  Just like her father.

  “Mamma, come here. Swim with us.”

  I took the blanket off my shoulders and came closer to the pool. Of all the odd days, I wore shorts today. I wasn’t sure where the strange feeling in my gut came from, but something was off — as if the entire atmosphere had shifted. I had that same feeling the night the tornado struck, and so I looked up to the skies, but they were clear. I sat at the ledge and dipped my legs in the water.

  “How about I sit and watch as Uncle Carter teaches you for reals?”

  “Uncle Carter, teach me how to swim!” she squealed, splashing him. For the next fifteen minutes I watched him give Mackenzie instructions for her first swimming lesson. She was relentless; she wouldn’t stop until she could at least float on her back, then on her front, with her face submerged and arms stretched out. By the time they were done, the sun was behind the trees in the back and a shadow covered most of the pool.

  “Did you see that, Mamma?”

  “I did. You were great, but I think it’s time to come out.” I gave Carter a knowing look, asking him to help get her out of the pool.

  I wrapped the towel around her. “It’s bath time.”

  “Bubbles?”

  “Yes, bubbles.”

  “Did you know that Tank likes bubbles? We showed them to him today.”

  “I think that maybe it’s time to make friends your age, don’t you?”

  “Tank is my age.”

  “Human friends, Mackenzie.”

  I knew that she knew what I meant the first time. My little girl was smarter than she let on. After the bubble bath, Mackenzie had some cereal, brushed her teeth, and I tucked her into bed. After reading her a story, I turned on her night light, said goodnight, and went downstairs.

  “A glass of red?” Carter reached out toward me.

  “My favorite.” I took a sip, swirling the aromatic wine in my mouth.

  “How was your day?”

  “The same as yesterday?”

  “Was that a question?”

  “Maybe?”

  “Jo, stop that.”

  “What?”

  “Playing your twenty questions game.”

  “Okay, then how was your day? I’m sorry, this is a genuine question, not a game. Did you hear from Molly?”

  “Nope.” He shook his head. “I’ve officially given up.”

  “Carter, you can’t. You two belong together. I thought things were going well. What the heck happened?”

  “It’s a long story, but to make it shorter, she’s with some other g
uy now. But I want you to know that I’m ready to move on.”

  “That’s good, I guess. Can’t say that I’m not sad about it. I just always thought you belonged with Molly.”

  Molly was working at a hospital fifty miles away from our town. She was renting an apartment there, and I’d visited her once with Mackenzie. Molly definitely looked like she was born to be a nurse. I also knew that Carter could be a chauvinistic pig when he got nervous, especially around Molly, and I had wondered whether I should fix them up on a date. Better yet, lock them away somewhere so that they could find love in each other the way I had found mine with Nick.

  “Well, I was thinking that maybe we could go out.”

  Where did that come from?

  “Like on a date?”

  “Would that be bad?”

  “I… I’m not sure I’m ready. And Molly—”

  “Molly is dating. I think it’s time for me to move on as well.”

  “I don’t know if I want to confuse Mackenzie. We’ve been doing so well as friends; what if it didn’t work out?”

  “I hate to tell you this, but it’s been working out for three years now, Jo.”

  He was right on that one. We had been living together for three years – in separate bedrooms of course – as friends, and the arrangement was working out. But how long could this last? I didn’t expect him to be single for the rest of his life, and as for me… well, I’d been so busy with Mackenzie that I hadn’t had time to think about me. Carter was a handsome man and so good with my daughter. His gentle nature with kids was a quality any woman would die for. He’d changed so much from the boy who first kissed me at our camping trip. But could we be more than friends?

  “Carter, I can’t give you my whole heart. There will always be a part that belongs to Nick, and I can’t ever let that go.”

  “Jo, if I only have a fraction of it, I’ll be the luckiest man alive.”

  Wow! When Carter was pulling the moves, he definitely could do it with all the right words.

  “We may not be compatible.”

  “Sure we are. Look – you like baking cupcakes, and I like eating them.” He winked.

  And he was definitely the master of charm.

  “We’re compatible as friends…”

  “Those cupcakes are so delicious, they’re worthy of their own quotes.” He pointed his finger at me with seriousness, and I burst out laughing.

  “It’s a good thing you’re only my friend, Cupcake, because if you were my woman, I’d teach you a little bit of respect and about not laughing at your elders.”

  “By seven months only, Carter.”

  “Still, I’m older, which makes me wiser.”

  “Gentleman skills, remember?”

  He shook his head. “What for? Molly doesn’t get me anyways. Not the way you do.”

  “Carter…”

  “You’ve gone through a lot. You can’t expect to be on your own for the rest of your life, and the friendship between us is working so well, I’m sure we’d be great lov…” He stopped before finishing the sentence. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push this.”

  “It’s okay, Carter.” I reached for his hand. Now that Carter had told me his intentions, the touch seemed to mean so much more. I pulled my hand away in fear that the touch would mislead him. Yet it didn’t ease the tight sensation in my stomach that had been gone for years. It felt nice to be wanted again. “You’ve pulled me through my darkest times and helped me with the business.”

  “That’s what friends are for. You have a beautiful little girl now, and you’re the best baker in town. No, scratch that. You’re the best baker in the world.”

  I laughed. “Thanks, but I’m sure you haven’t tasted other bakers’ goods.”

  “Well, that’s their problem, isn’t it? Because yours are the only ones I want to taste.”

  He was looking at my lips. Were we still talking about cookies and cupcakes?

  I cleared my throat and pulled away. “You’ve gone through a lot too, Carter.”

  “I know. Sometimes it feels like it will never get easier.”

  “It does, doesn’t it? But friends like you, the lifetime kind, definitely help.” What if we truly spent a lifetime together? Would it work? Could it work as more than friends? I felt my thighs clench at the thought. Those long showers I took sometimes seemed not long enough, and I craved one now.

  “Is that what we are?” I asked. I wasn’t too sure where the question came from. I turned back toward Carter and looked into his eyes. I’d always known that Carter had beautiful eyes, but never knew they were this mesmerizing. Or maybe I had just never given them my full attention before.

  “I…”

  He didn’t finish whatever it was that he wanted to say. Instead, Carter’s mouth neared mine and gently touched my lips. I held my breath, shocked yet relieved. They were warm and inviting. It had been six years since a man had kissed me. His mouth slowly let go of mine. We leaned our foreheads against one another and I felt my mouth curve up.

  “I like seeing you smile.”

  “I like smiling. And I liked the kiss.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah, maybe we can try—”

  He seized my lips again before I got a chance to finish. This time, they were more dominant, harder and captivating. I opened my mouth wider for him, kissing him back, waiting patiently for that expectant spark to ignite the half-dead heart inside my chest, but it didn’t. It was just… a kiss. I may as well have been kissing Tank, but I wouldn’t tell Carter that. We finally pulled away and silently stared at each other.

  “Not what you expected?” he asked.

  “Don’t take it the wrong way, and I might have forgotten what it’s like to kiss someone, but I… I didn’t feel anything.”

  I held my breath. The last thing I wanted was to upset Carter and to potentially lose my friend. We’d been so good up until this point, raising Mackenzie together. He was the role model I would have wanted for my daughter — she adored him.

  “You too? Thank God! I thought there was something wrong with me. Like I lost my gift.” He exhaled in relief.

  I laughed. A gift? “So it didn’t mean anything to you either?”

  “I’m pretty sure Betsy gives me a better kiss when she licks me.”

  “Are you comparing me to a cow again?” He beat me to the punch.

  “No, just making sure you understand me.”

  “I do. So, what does this mean?”

  “It means that you’re stuck as my friend, Cupcake, for the rest of your life.”

  That was definitely one friendship I was willing to be stuck in.

  Chapter 25

  When I woke up next morning, I somehow knew it was no ordinary day. If I’d thought yesterday was odd, today felt even more so. It all started with dreams of when the tornado had sucked Daisy out at the fundraiser. I remembered the way she closed her eyes and the blood dripping off the gurney. I could smell the irony scent and taste it in my mouth. When I woke up at one in the morning, drenched in sweat, my bottom lip was swollen and cut, and I realized I must had bitten myself. At that point, sleep was pointless. The last thing I wanted was to go back to nightmares, but I had work to do the next day, and I wasn’t a quitter. I went to the kitchen, got a glass of water, took a few sips along with some melatonin, and went back to bed. The next dream was even fiercer.

  I was wearing an army camouflage outfit, running through trenches, ones I must have seen in a war movie, screaming for Nick. The labyrinth of passages was confusing and I got lost deeper in the tunnels after each turn, until I hit a dead end. I finally woke up at eight, startled, and realized I’d slept in.

  “Jo?” Carter was crouching at my bedside. “Are you not getting up today?”

  “Shit, I overslept,” I groaned.

  He was wearing his sweats, ready for his morning run before work. Except he had the entire week off, so I wasn’t sure what he was doing out of bed.

  “I’ll get breakfast
going. You shower.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome, Cupcake.”

  I stretched my arms out and stepped out of bed half asleep. The shower didn’t help much. My eyelids still felt like lead. I remembered passing out on the couch after the glass of wine we shared, and then Carter must have carried me to my bedroom. After a quick brush of my teeth, I got dressed and went to the kitchen. It was in full swing of activities as Carter flipped one pancake, then another.

  “Feeling any better?”

  “Sort of. Thanks for doing this. I hope you’re going back to bed after we leave.”

  “Anytime, and no, I’m not. I promised Mrs. Gladstone I’d fix the farm gate. She’s afraid Tank will see Betsy escape one day and he’ll run wild.” He slid over the floor in his socks, pulling a Tom Cruise move, and I smiled as he kissed me on my cheek. “Good morning.”

  “It is now.”

  He pointed to the table. “Sit and eat.”

  “I think I’m coming down with something.”

  “I know a couple are burnt, but the stove’s been acting up again.”

  “I promise it’s not your cooking. My stomach’s upset.”

  “Coffee, then?”

  Ha! That was like asking an addict if he wanted another drink. I didn’t even have to answer him, and Carter already knew that my mood would be better after a strong cup of java.

  “Thank you. If I don’t leave in the next five minutes, I’ll be late.”

  “Say hello to Marge and your dad for me.”

  “Will do.”

  I hugged him, then stilled as he looked at me from above. He had that adoring way of looking at me all the time that I couldn’t get enough of. He was truly one of the best friends I’d ever had. “Maybe I’ll stop by the bakery later and bring you lunch.”

  “You’re too good to me.”

  “That’s impossible, Jo, and you know that.”

  “Thank you. I’ll see you later?”

  “Definitely.”

  “Mamma, Mamma, look what I found!” Mackenzie ran in from the front door through the living room toward me, carrying something in the palm of her tiny hand. I hoped it wasn’t another toad. Last time she’d surprised me with something new that she found, I nearly had a heart attack when the green amphibian jumped on my head. Then there were the spiders she was housing in a jar that had escaped through the holes she’d asked Carter to make in the lid for her creatures. We didn’t realize her new pets would include six- and eight-legged critters.