Yours and Mine (Friends with Benefits)

by Lacey Silks

  This morning, when she opened her palm, I felt my knees give in. Filling almost her entire hand was a flat stone.

  “Where did you get that?” I picked it up with my fingers, certain that it was the same stone I’d given Nick for his birthday. When I turned it over to have a closer look and saw the “N” I inscribed there, I almost fell over. It was impossible for an identical one to exist, wasn’t it? Especially one that had an engraved ’N’ right in the middle. This one was faded, but it was certainly the same one I’d given Nick.

  “It was on the front porch. It’s perfect for stone skipping isn’t it? Can we go to the lake to skip it?”

  Instead of answering my daughter’s question, I ran to the front door, swung it open, and looked both ways down the street – no one was there, except for Mrs. Crafton, who owned the general store down the street. She was walking her Yorkie.

  Mackenzie pulled on my jeans and I looked down. “What’s wrong, Mamma?”

  “Honey, is this one of the stones you found down by the lake?”

  It was possible that Nick had used it, although I didn’t know why he’d do it without me, and it had washed up on shore again.

  “No, Mamma. All my good stones are under my bed. Remember, we’re waiting for our tournament.”

  I’d promised Mackenzie we’d go stone skipping again this weekend. It was one of those things I wanted to make sure she knew how to do well, like her father.

  “It wasn’t there last night and then it was there this morning, like magic.”

  Goosebumps covered my arms and I shivered as the hairs at the back of my nape stood tall. Despite it being morning, it was already hot outside, and I couldn’t shake a nagging feeling that I should be somewhere else at the moment.

  “Jo? What’s going on?” Carter asked.

  “Nothing. At least I don’t think it’s anything.”

  “Mac, why don’t you get your backpack ready for the bakery? I’m sure Grandma’s in a mood for coloring today.” Carter pointed to Mackenzie’s crafts table.

  Marge had partly retired to help me raise Mackenzie while I took care of most of the business. We also hired two bakers last year and the online expansion had made the bakeries quite profitable. While she packed a few of her trinkets, crayons, and coloring books, Carter came up to me.

  “You’re pale.” He pulled his hand along my cheek.

  “That stone Mackenzie found on the front porch.” I pointed, my finger still shaking. “It’s the one I gave Nick for his thirteenth birthday.”

  “I remember that day. He baked you a cake.”

  “Yes! Carter, I swear to you, it’s the same one. I haven’t seen it in years.”

  “I believe you. Do you think it’s possible Mackenzie found it at Marge’s house? Maybe Nick hid it somewhere in his room and she got it?”

  “It’s possible. But why would she say she found it on the porch?”

  “I don’t know. Kids like to make up stories sometimes, or they just get confused.”

  “You’re right. She must have found it in his room. It’s the only reasonable explanation.”

  “Come here. Have a seat for a moment.” He pulled out a chair and I sat down.

  “I just wish there was a day that something didn’t remind me of him, you know. I thought time heals all wounds and crap, and sometimes it just feels like it’s getting harder and harder.”

  I knew that not being reminded of Nick was impossible. Even if it were, I would never want to forget him, but I did wish that it were easier. Besides, despite being a mini me, Mackenzie was a constant reminder of her father.

  “You’re doing much better than before, Cupcake. I know it’s not easy, Jo, but you have to stay strong for Mac.” We both looked at my daughter, who was zipping up her backpack. “Look how organized she is. Just like her mommy.”

  She was the heart of everything I did. She was the reason that I was still alive, because if it weren’t for her and for Carter, I would have been gone the moment I opened that door when the officer came with the news of Nick’s death.

  “You’re right. She must have found it in his room.”

  “You better get going if you’re gonna make it on time.” He looked at his watch.

  “Thank you for the coffee, and for breakfast.”

  “Which you didn’t touch.”

  “Coffee is my breakfast” I said with a wink. “See you soon.”

  He took Mackenzie in his arms and carried her to my car while teasing her about there being more sharks in the pool. She giggled, because it was a game they’d been playing ever since she first jumped into that pool. I loved the bond between them.

  When I pulled up to the bakery, a familiar aroma of pastries and fresh breads filled the air. A swirl of emotions from the past lingered with the scent — it always would. I opened Mackenzie’s door, and she ran to her waiting grandfather.

  “Good morning, munchkin. What did you bring for me today?”

  “A rock.”

  “A rock? Well, then it must be special.”

  “It has the letter N on it. Daddy’s name was Nick. The rock is special.”

  My father looked from his granddaughter to me and then back to her.

  “What is she talking about?” Marge asked.

  “Has Mackenzie been to Nick’s room recently? Because she found his stone. The one I gave him for his birthday.”

  “No, not recently. But she does like to stay there sometimes and just flip through her coloring books.”

  “Grandpa, when am I going to be bigger than a munchkin?”

  “You don’t like being a munchkin?”

  “I want to be big like Mommy, so I can make big cakes.”

  “Well, we make big cakes now. You help all the time.”

  “But I want to reach the table on my own, not on a chair.”

  “Well then, did you have a good big breakfast? I mean, a huge breakfast?” he asked with mischief.

  “I did. I did.” Mackenzie was excited as if she were going to immediately grow like Alice in Wonderland from having eaten a magical cake. My daughter had always been on the petite side, like me, but I knew she’d hit a growth spurt sooner or later.

  A gust of wind blew by, and I sighed with relief.

  “Are you okay?” Marge asked, as she flipped the open sign on the front door of the bakery.

  “I think this heat is getting to me.” I wiped my sweaty forehead as a rumble echoed from the back of the house. “What’s going on at the old barn?”

  “I think it’s being painted.” She leaned over the porch and followed my eyes. “Someone’s been busy there for a while. We’ve been hearing a table saw and hammering for a few weeks now.”

  “Who’s doing it?”

  “I don’t know, sweetheart.”

  Well, that was odd. The place had been abandoned ever since I was a little girl. It hadn’t occurred to me that anyone would touch it, because secretly, I’d had faith that one day that barn would become my house. I didn’t know how I’d manage it, but when I thought about a future, that’s where I pictured myself with Mackenzie. Now all of a sudden someone was painting my barn? And why did I just say my? It might have been a dream at one point, but not anymore.

  “Did someone buy it?”

  “Looks that way to me.”

  That made me sad. Having the barn there, just waiting through time, had always given me a sense of hope, albeit a false one. I held on to that weird dream of me and Nick living there one day, decorating the inside the way he’d described on the day he proposed to me, watching our kids run through the corn fields, maybe even splashing in a sprinkler on the front lawn. But now someone else would live there? How did no one in town know about this? Keeping the secret of a new neighbor in a small town definitely took some skill.

  “Why is this making you upset, honey?”

  “It’s where Nick proposed.” I sighed. “He said when he came back from the military, we’d buy it and fix it up. I don’t know why it’s making me so emotio
nal. It’s stupid. The day has barely begun, and it’s already been weird.”

  “Weird in what way?”

  “Well, first the stone and now this.” I pointed to the barn, still perplexed. “It just feels like wherever I turn, I’m reminded of him. It still hurts.”

  “Honey, there’s nothing wrong with remembering him. In fact, it’s wonderful. He lived here his entire life, and you’ve known him since… well, forever. I’m not surprised you’re reminded of him so much.”

  “I know… and I’m usually fine with all the memories and little reminders. But today’s different. I don’t know why.”

  “Come inside. Have you had breakfast yet?”

  “Carter made Mickey Mouse pancakes this morning.”

  I, of course, hadn’t gotten a chance to sit down and eat, because I’d been running unusually late, and my appetite wasn’t ready to wake up. But I didn’t want to worry Marge, so I didn’t tell her that I was functioning only on a cup of coffee.

  “Good. Let’s get Mackenzie settled. Maybe you’ll feel better in the kitchen.”

  Baking always picked up my mood. Yet today, the frosting didn’t want to stick, the batter came out too runny, and I burnt the first cake I put in the oven.

  Lunchtime came and went, and that nagging feeling didn’t ease. I tried to concentrate on work, but I couldn’t. Each time the front bell rang, distracting me, my head flew up, and I didn’t know why. I kept peeking through the back window to check on the painting progress of that barn in the back, but I couldn’t see well that far in the distance. Usually, I kept to myself in the back: decorating, mixing, blending, and checking new orders, but today there was something odd in the air. I could almost taste that something wasn’t right.

  At two o’clock, I removed my apron, had a sip of water, took two boxes of fresh cupcakes and muffins, and headed for the barn. My knees shook underneath me as I steadied my breathing. It had been almost five years since I’d last set foot inside that barn, and the memories flooding my mind were reviving a grief I’d stashed deep in my heart. When I approached the barn, I waved to the men painting its roof. “I’ve brought some cupcakes, gentlemen.”

  I didn’t recognize any of them, which somewhat confirmed that feeling of weirdness I’d had in my chest that morning. New people in town no one had mentioned were definitely a good enough reason to raise a brow.

  I set one box on a round wooden pillar in hope that our new neighbor would appreciate my small gift of welcome. I wondered what he was doing to the inside of that barn, and about his intentions in our town.

  Where’s the door? I remembered a sliding barn door on this side. I looked at its remembered spot, where a new stone chimney rose in its place, well above the roof. I paced around the corner to where the real front door, with an enclosed glass porch, had been added. I wouldn’t have thought glass would match this wooden structure, but in this case, it did.

  Fresh roses bloomed all around the front yard and the smell of brand new grass lingered in the air. Whoever had done the landscaping here must have just finished. Four sprinklers were spraying water in a circular motion, one of them right up to the front door. I timed my steps and hurried by just as the water passed the front steps. I knocked on the glass, looking back as the water made its clockwise run. It was almost at the halfway point when I knocked the second time, harder.

  No one answered. As the nozzle neared in my direction, I had two options: either run away or step inside. I touched the handle and decided it would be safer to be on the other side of the glass. Thankfully, the door wasn’t locked. I turned around to look back at the water streaming down the front glass door, satisfied with my swift escape. When I turned around again to knock on the actual wooden barn door, I bumped into a hard chest.

  The smell of him hit me first, confusing me. It triggered a flood of emotions before I even lifted my gaze to meet his. Recognition dawned in slow motion, and I fainted.

  Chapter 26

  My head hurt. I was back in that dream, in the trenches. But instead of it being a war, the trenches were in a dark forest, and a bear was chasing me. I could see its teeth each time I turned, hear its loud growl behind me, and smell the stench of wet fur. And then it was all quiet. I stopped and warily turned around. Nick stood a couple of feet away, holding my hand.

  “Nick?” I looked up but met Carter’s loving gaze instead.

  Is this a dream?

  “Hey there, Cupcake. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  I shut my eyes closed, desperate to collect my thoughts.

  “Carter, I saw him. I saw Nick.”

  This couldn’t have been a dream, could it?

  “I know.”

  “What?”

  “I said I know.”

  I hadn’t gone mad? Nick was actually alive? So why wasn’t Carter excited? Where was Nick? I sat up and tried to clear my head. My heart was begging to be ripped out of its cage in my chest so it could leap closer to wherever Nick was.

  “It’s true then? It wasn’t just my mind?”

  “You fainted, and he called me. At first I thought it was a prank call, but it wasn’t. It’s true. Nick is alive. You fainted when you saw him, and you’ve been falling in and out of consciousness.” I reached down, wrung some water out of a cloth, and pressed it to my head. Faint memories of Nick holding it over my forehead drifted back, the searing touch of his fingers on my skin generating new heat in the spots I thought he had touched me. I wanted to feel that euphoric again. I wanted to forget the past five years and be back in his arms.

  “Where is he?” I tried to sit up, but still felt too dizzy.

  “Take it easy, Jo. He’s by the garage. Mackenzie’s still at the bakery.”

  My daughter’s name singlehandedly brought me back to reality.

  “I told Marge you weren’t feeling well and that I took you home.”

  Home.

  That’s when I noticed that I was lying on a cushioned seat outside. I didn’t recognize this furniture, nor the fire pit nearby. “We’re still by the barn, Jo.”

  “Barn?”

  “You came here with cupcakes.”

  That sounded familiar, but concentrating when I knew Nick was somewhere nearby was impossible.

  “Have you eaten anything since your coffee?”

  I shook my head.

  “Here,” he said, and passed me one of my funfetti cupcakes that I’d left for the workers. I mean, what better a way to welcome someone to town than with funfetti? I took a bite and my memories began to rush back again.

  “Oh, my God. He’s actually here? Alive?” My chest was rising and falling more rapidly.

  The man I had mourned for the past four years had reappeared out of thin air. The only man I ever truly gave my heart to and the father of my child. How was this possible?

  “Did he see her?”

  “No. I don’t know how much he knows.”

  I tried to stand, but my legs gave way. “Slow down, Jo. This is a lot to take in. I’m not gonna let you get up until I know that you won’t fall back down. Okay? Eat and drink first.”

  “Okay.”

  I took the delicious cupcake and ate it slowly, drinking the water from the glass Carter was holding. I was glad that he was holding it, because my hands were trembling. Once the cupcake was gone, I wiped the sweat off my forehead.

  “I think I’m okay now. Where is he?”

  I slowly sat up, careful not to rush. Or maybe it was just the fear cruising through my veins. I’d never been this afraid in my life, and I wasn’t sure why.

  “I’ll walk with you, then let you two be.”

  You two. I repeated in my mind. Even that sounded unreal. Nick, in the same room with me again.

  “Thank you. Will you stay close?”

  “Of course, Cupcake. I’ll be here until you need me.”

  Carter took me under his arm and led me to a frosted glass door in the barn. It slid open as soon as we approached.

  “Let
me know if you need anything,” Carter repeated, worry shadowing his face.

  What I really needed right now was for the clock to turn back time. I’d forbid Nick to leave; I’d cuff him down and never let him go. So much time has passed and so much had happened. I opened the door and inhaled deeply. That familiar scent filled me right down to my toes, reviving a plethora of feelings. Joy, fear, anticipation, anger, trust, desire, love – there were so many, I felt lightheaded from their onslaught before I even stepped inside that barn. Desperate for confidence, I took in another deep breath of air, but it didn’t do much to steady the nerves. Whom was I kidding? No matter what I did, I was sure that nothing would prepare me to see the man I’d been in love with my entire life, who had been dead to me for almost four long years.

  “I will.” Carter kissed my forehead and left.

  My legs felt like one of the pool noodles Mackenzie liked to use to float around with. I finally crossed the threshold and saw him. My heart leapt. My hands tingled and the cupcake I’d eaten earlier swirled in my stomach. I slowly lifted my gaze, scanning him from the bottom up, appreciating the parts of him that were familiar and intrigued by the new man he had become. He looked different and yet the same. Nick had grown a lumberjack beard and a few extra muscles that would have ripped the shirt and jeans he’d worn when he left home. His hair was overgrown, even longer than when we were teenagers. He snapped the band around his wrist and pulled it all together at the back, into a bun, and I almost drooled. I looked him over once more, acutely aware of the strength behind this new body, both physical and emotional. The definition of his muscles… holy crap. The man standing in front of me had morphed into a head-turning Adonis. He ran his fingers over the beard and took a step closer.

  “I’m sorry. I would have shaved if I’d known I’d be running into you.”