To Have and to Trust (Heart of a Highlander Collection Book 1)

by Allie Palomino

  “Where in the Lord’s name are they?”

  “They went to Gabriel’s holding.”

  “Holding? What holding?”

  “Gabriel has his own holding, Andie. He has his own land. Father provided it for him, even though ‘tis not common for a father to provide for a second son.”

  “She’s nay here?” Andie said, fixated on that portion of what he said.

  “Nay. He felt it was best for Meghan’s safety that she be with him at his holding.”

  She got up, smoothed her skirt. “Fine. Just point me in the direction and I shall walk.”

  Gavin shook his head. “I’m sorry, Andie. Ye canna walk there.”

  Her head snapped to his. “Where is it?” she asked, tightly.

  “‘Tis about two days ride, northwest of here.”

  “I doona believe ye! Why did she nay tell me? She wouldna go without saying goodbye!”

  “She didna know either. The only ones who knew were me, Gabriel, and Bryce. It needed to be secret.”

  “Then she’ll be back in a few days,” Andie said, turning to leave.

  “Nay, she willna return in a few days.”

  She fisted her hands at her sides. Her nails were beginning to bite into her palms.

  “When is she returning?” she asked tightly.

  “Until the problem with Alistair has been resolved.”

  “But that’s nay for three months, at least!”

  “Aye.”

  “Well, I’m glad ye’re calm about this!” she fairly shouted. “Then I shall go to her.”

  “Ye will do no such thing, Andie.”

  “Where’s Bryce? He’ll take me.”

  “Bryce went with with them, under the safety and secrecy of the moonlight, along with Gabriel’s men.”

  “What?” she shouted. Her breathing grew laborious. She turned towards the stairs.

  “Where are ye going?” he asked, following her.

  “I’m leaving! I’m going to Meghan.”

  “Andie, ye canna go. This is her new life now. She and Gabriel will be there for a time. He will return, but she will remain there for protection. Alistair is nay above taking her, as he did Riley, for his own ends. Gabriel willna have her life in danger.”

  “What do ye mean that ‘this is her new life?’ She is my friend, my sister, and I will go to her.” She sounded frantic.

  “Nay, Andie. I canna let ye. Yer life is endangered, also. I promised yer father that I’d always protect his family should harm come to them, as my father had promised him also. Before Bryce left, he made me promise to care for ye. Ye are nay to leave here.”

  “What?” Andie said, her honeyed gaze darkened with anger. “Ye arena my family, Gavin. Ye arena my father, my friend, or my husband, to be forbidding me such things. I am Andie McBride, laird of the McBrides and I willna allow anyone to dictate what I can and canna do!” she yelled. “I will walk out of here, and ye willna stop me.”

  “If I doona stop ye, my men will. You’ll nay be leaving here,” Gavin said, calmly. He hadn’t exploded with anger because he knew that it would not help her. Getting angry at this situation was not appropriate. She needed him to be calm, firm, and supportive.

  “The hell I canna!” she shouted.

  “Andie, if ye calm down, ye’ll see that this is what’s best.”

  “For whom? Ye?”

  “Nay. I canna have ye injured or hurt. Meghan also needs protection.”

  “I am leaving,” she said, walking towards the door. He reached out and grabbed her forearm.

  “I willna allow ye to go, Andie.”

  She turned back and slapped him.

  “How dare ye!” she yelled, her eyes blazing as she yanked her forearm from his grasp. “She is my friend! My sister! The only one I have left! Ye canna take her away from me, too! She’s the only person I have left!” She couldn’t help but repeat herself.

  “Andie, I understand that-”

  “Nay, ye doona know what it feels like. Ye doona understand! I’ve lost everything, Gavin, everything! My father, my sisters, my mother, my home! I watched them as they were violated, murdered, and burned. I watched as my clan screamed for help. I watched my sisters and mother cry out in pain.” Her voice was raw and hoarse. “Everything! I’ve lost everything! And now ye want me to accept that Meghan left with Gabriel and Bryce!” she asked, her voice reflecting the incredulity.

  He walked to her with his arms open. She shook her head and moved backwards.

  “Nay! I’ve lost everything and now I’ve lost Meghan and Bryce! Nay!” she yelled, breaking down into sobs. Her frame shook with the force of her grief. Gavin took two more steps and brought her into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly as she sobbed. His heart was breaking at seeing her pain.

  “Andie, it’s alright. Ye have me,” he whispered in her hair, closing his eyes. Her knees began to fall beneath her, and he caught and supported her.

  “What is the matter?” he asked, looking down at her with concerned eyes. Her face was pale and her eyes glazed.

  “I canna stand.”

  He picked her up and placed her in a chair by the fireplace. He then brought over some fruit nectar, wanting the sweet liquid to reenergize her. “‘Tis sweet. It will help ye calm.”

  She took it and drank it all. Then she sat numbly there as he sat down across from her, staring at her.

  “Andie?”

  Andie quietly sat, staring into nothing. He reached out to grasp her shaking hands.

  “Let’s get ye upstairs. Ye need some sleep,” Gavin said gently.

  She looked up at him, tears still gathering into her eyes. She didn’t agree or disagree, so he picked her up in his arms and carried her upstairs. Once in her room, he laid her on the bed. She began sobbing, immediately. She watched as Gavin walked toward the door, without so much as a backward glance.

  She’d never felt so abandoned in her life. She was so desperate to have someone to be with her now to comfort her and he was leaving.

  Gavin closed the door and turned to her. He saw her face.

  “Ye didna think I’d leave ye, did ye?” he asked softly, realizing she had believed that he would. “I’ll only leave when ye want me to. Alright?”

  She nodded and he walked over to her in the bed. He settled down next to her and she immediately went into his arms.

  “I’m here, Andie,” he said, kissing the top of her head. He ran his fingers down the indentation of her spine. “Let it out, lass. Let it out.”

  She sobbed for a long time while Gavin held her. When he felt the last of her tremors subside, he realized she had fallen asleep. Instead of leaving, he gave into temptation and stayed with her.

  He’d missed holding her. It had been over a month since they’d last been intimate. He missed her, and not just the pleasure of coupling, but the companionship and warmth of her.

  He held her close for a long, long while. He saw the sun set and the moon rise, and still he held her close to him, loving the feel of her next to him.

  Many thoughts came to him while he spent this time with her- his feelings for her, her situation, but most of all, just her.

  She wasn’t like Sarah. That conclusion was hard for him to accept, but it was no less true. He’d lumped all women into one category- evil hearted bitches who were out for their own wants.

  Andie was not like that. She had always been honest with him. She’d always taken care of Riley and his young feelings. Nay, she didn’t act like Sarah had with Riley.

  Sarah had always neglected her son- never wanted anything to do with him. She mistreated him and demeaned him. Gavin remembered when Riley had made a small clay pot for her. She had taken it from Riley, who was smiling with pride, and threw it against the wall. It, along with Riley’s heart, had broken into hundreds of pieces. While his son cried, she condemned the gift, criticizing ‘his poor talent.’ He’d been three then.

  One thing he was glad for was that he had been too young to
remember her mistreatment of him. Gavin had a sinking feeling, however, that remnants of that fateful day still haunted him. No, better said, he knew that remnants of that day and remnants of his mother’s rejection, still remained with his son.

  Andie had been the first woman his son had taken to since the loss of his mother. Gavin knew this was due to Andie’s nurture and kindness. She was an incredible woman and his heart palpitated with that thought.

  Even after these thoughts he’d subjected himself to for hours, he still couldn’t bring himself to trust.

  He couldn’t.

  He turned his thoughts away from her and focused on getting some sleep. His last thought before drifting off was alarming.

  He hadn’t felt this good or complete since last he’d slept with her.

  She woke up alone the next morning and wasn’t surprised. She still felt tired despite the enormous amount of sleep from yesterday and this morning, she saw, judging by the sun’s position. She rose out of bed, stretched, and asked Edie to order a hot bath. Once the bath came, she stepped in, and sighed. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

  Nothing felt better. In fact, nothing could bother her at this very moment.

  The door opened just then.

  She had been wrong.

  She opened her eyes sharply.

  “Again, no knocking? I grow weary of this rudeness, Gavin.” She sighed and leaned her head back again.

  He smiled in response.

  “Are ye feeling well?”

  “Verra hale today, indeed.”

  The fact that she was being sarcastic told him she was better. He stayed at the door, watching her. She opened one eye at him.

  “Why are ye still here?”

  “Why are ye still angry with me?”

  She closed her eye and sighed. “To be angry at someone implies having some feelings for him, otherwise, how could he affect ye so? Seeing as how I have nay feelings for ye save for my current annoysnce, nay, I’m nay angry.”

  He had the gall to laugh.

  “Ye try to vex me, grumpy laird, but I’ll nay be so easily perplexed,” he said.

  Damn she was intelligent, he thought happily.

  “Grumpy laird, indeed. And doona think so highly of yerself. A woman who can add numbers together would bewilder ye.”

  “Actually, ye’re wrong there. A woman who could count would mystify me, never mind one who can add.”

  She opened one eye again and he laughed. “Did ye come here just to bother and annoy me?”

  “Nay.”

  She closed her eye again and he smiled broadly.

  “I came here to see ye unclothed. I heard the bath being ordered.”

  He ducked as soap flew towards him and hit the door.

  “Now, now, Andie, doona toss things about.”

  She had her arms crossed on her chest and glared at him. “Doona think for one minute that ye’ll be indulging in passion with me, Gavin. It willna happen.”

  “I didna come here seeking that.”

  “Nay, of course nay. Ye have a myriad of other women who satisfy yer male urges.”

  “Aye, I do.”

  That stung her and she could feel tears wanting to spring up to her eyes. She went on the defensive again, cursing her weakness.

  “Well, then, doona let me stop ye from seeking out yer pleasures.”

  “Nay, you doona. But I will go and leave ye to yers.”

  “Aye. I do have many, many pleasures awaiting me.”

  “Nay too many, for the bath grows cold. I could warm it up for ye again.”

  Her eyes remained trained on him and she lifted an eyebrow. “Nay, thank ye. I doona like left overs.”

  He had turned around to go out the door, and was almost through it when he heard her say, “But I wasna talking about the pleasure of a hot bath. Good day, Gavin.”

  He quickly left the room and slammed the door. Doubt swam around his head again.

  Damn it. She couldn’t be with other men.

  Could she?

  Chapter Eleven

  For three months, Andie was vibrant. She had more energy than she ever had before. She slowly succumbed into another routine of her own.

  Every evening the crowd would gather for more of Erik’s story. It had taken a week after Meghan’s departure for Andie’s spirits to lift enough to continue with the story.

  “It’s about time, Andie, that ye tell us the story. ‘Twas not verra right of ye just to stop,” Harold said crankily.

  She smiled. “Well, I shall continue now. So where did the story last end?”

  “Erik had found the magic boot. He’d lost Aesa, the fairy.”

  “Right. So then Erik found the magic boot. He doubted its magic because it fit into the palm of his hand. But still he believed in the power of magic, so he began to pull it on his foot.”

  “Unbelievable! Weeks without the story and she begins with this incredulous part. I doona believe that!” Harold exclaimed.

  Everyone groaned. One of the audience members threw his boot at Harold. “Put it over yer ‘ead and make sure it covers yer mouth!”

  The irate crowd laughed, and Andie along with them. It grew quiet again; everyone wanted to hear what Andie had to say next.

  “Once he tugged the boot over his foot, he lifted in flight. The boot helped him arrive at Kreisland, and once there, he turned blue.”

  The story continued for a while. They would chime in here and there, eagerly anticipating and arguing over what she would say. Finally, she gave a dramatical pause after mentioning that Erik had fallen out of the sky. Once she had all of their eyes on her, she said, “And it is here, where I must end.”

  They all groaned and hmpfed.

  “Come on, Andie, tell us a bit more!” Someone pleaded.

  “Nay. I have other things that I must do now. I promise ye, though, that tomorrow I shall continue.”

  Everyone complained as they leapt to their feet. Some hypothesized as to what would happen next.

  “I predict that Erik’s blue coloring will force him to yield to Sarthaga becase he willna be able to wield the sword. I doona believe he was hurt in the fall.”

  “What are ye talking about? That’s nonsense! Not having the ability to wield the sword only happens if he turns blue, red, then blue again. Ye obviously doona pay verra much attention. And the fall willna hurt him.”

  Andie laughed, and wrapped her sewing project up, leaving it on the seat. She turned to Riley and both went on an evening walk. She’d come to depend on the evening air to stir her alive and feed her soul.

  This was how she spent her evenings.

  Andie sat there in front of the fire every night, trapped in the routine she’d begun- day in and day out. She knitted, not knowing why or what it was she knitted. She continued with her story, also not knowing why she did it. She knew they enjoyed the story, but as for her telling it, it felt almost mechanical.

  Now, three months later, from one moment to the next, she wasn’t as robust as she had felt after Meghan left. It must be the winter settling in, she thought. From the looks of it, it was going to be a bad winter.

  Andie had received many letters from Meghan. Though only two days ride away, Gavin forbade her from going, which made her see red with anger. After all, who was he? Gabriel also refused to allow Meghan to leave. Not giving in to the whims of rigid men, they shared secrets back and forth through messages. Meghan had made certain that the letters were sealed with wax, as did Andie.

  Meghan described to Andie details about Gabriel’s holding. “Well, our holding,” Meghan had corrected in the next sentence.

  They had communicated back and forth very frequently. She looked forward to the letters every couple of days. Gavin hadn’t said anything about his messenger being used extensively and practically exclusively by her. The messenger never complained; he adored Andie, fairly tripping over himself to do as she requested. The brothers, knowing that the women were separated, didn’t say anything negative abou
t the constant writing.

  Though Andie spent most of her days with Riley, she missed Bryce and Meghan terribly. She didn’t forget the three-month deadline that Gavin had told her about months ago, though. The three months had passed a week ago and yet no word from, or sighting of, Liam.

  Winter was coming and it seemed that it would come with a vengeance. The leaves were still changing colors and yet the coolness in the air made her gasp. The wind made the cool air and breezy days colder.

  One particular morning, she felt dreadful, barely making it out of bed. Her energy was basically non-existent and her color was pale. She hadn’t been at her best at all during the previous week and she knew many factors contributed to her physical exhaustion, and depression.

  For starters, there was the ever-present worry over her clan, and the ineptness and guilt she felt. Another was that her relationship with Gavin, or lack thereof, was strained. They barely spoke since that day she’d had her bath. They scarcely acknowledged one another when passing in the corridors. She didn’t understand why at first and then realized why.

  Gavin really, honestly, and truly disliked her.

  That realization made her feel ill. Physically ill. Violently ill. She often retched when she thought of it.

  With that realization, came another. She had figured out why she was so physically affected when she thought about Gavin hating her.

  She loved him.

  And he hated her.

  Aye, she had speculated months earlier that she loved him. When she compared her feelings then to now, though, they had been paltry. She had fallen more in love with him since.

  The only reason he agreed to help her was because of a promise to her father. Knowing how he felt and knowing that she would never receive his love, made her ill, sad, and a shell of the person she used to be.

  She’d sadly concluded that she would never love another.

  Three and a half months later, she resigned herself to this life. She hadn’t asked Gavin any questions regarding Liam, and had not even asked when she would see her best friend. Instead, she gave herself up to her routine, mechanically and aloofly.

  Later in the week, she sighed as she sat down for the nightly story. Her energy and stamina was waning at a rapid rate.