Déjà Date

by Hatler, Susan

  When I arrived home, Fudge greeted me at the door with a hundred licks. Then I strode into the kitchen and was surprised to find Mary Ann. She sat at the barstool with a plate of leftover angel hair pasta marinara in front of her. A fresh slice of pain stabbed my heart as I stared at my favorite pasta dish that Nate had brought over last night in addition to assorted appetizers. The coldness in his eyes flashed in my mind, and I shook my head to try to clear all thoughts of him.

  “Hi,” I said, fighting to ignore the green eyes that popped into my head again. I should definitely avoid the pasta marinara for dinner and have a sandwich instead. No bad memories in a turkey on rye. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “Eating dinner,” she said, her tone lacking its usual pep. Instead of eating like she claimed, though, she pushed the pasta around her plate with her fork.

  “No, I meant . . . don’t you have something going on tonight?” My brain cells tickled on the brink of remembering something she’d told me the night we’d picked up Fudge. I snapped my fingers. “I’ve got it. You’re supposed to be at your dad’s celebratory dinner for completing rehab. Isn’t that where Ginger is?”

  “Yeah.” Mary Ann slumped onto her fist, glancing up at me. “But my sister believes our dad’s truly in recovery. I’ll feel like a fake if I go and pretend he’s cured.”

  I leaned on the counter. “What do you mean?”

  “My dad’s been an alcoholic my entire life.” She sat up, shoving the plate away from her. “Scotch has always been his priority. It’s been one disappointment after another with him. This probably sounds terrible, but I’m just not interested in getting my feelings smashed again when he goes back to the bottle. You know?”

  I gave her a sympathetic look. “I can understand how that would be scary.”

  Her eyes widened. “Am I being unreasonable?”

  “No, I . . .” My words trailed off. I wanted to reassure her that she wasn’t unreasonable, that she had every right to give up on her dad, but that wasn’t how I felt. She didn’t realize how lucky she was to still have her father, as imperfect as he might be. I’d give up anything in the whole world to have one more dinner with my dad.

  She gripped my hand like she was grabbing a lifeline. “Please be honest with me, Melinda. What do you really think?”

  I didn’t want Mary Ann to make the same mistakes that I had made, but I had such a hard time opening up my feelings. I took a deep breath. “The last dinner I had with my dad was when I was fourteen.” A lump formed in my throat as I remembered back to that night. “He asked me if I wanted to go for a hot balloon ride with him the next day.”

  Her hand squeezed mine, encouraging me to go on.

  “I’d wanted to go up in a hot air balloon, but I was scared of heights, scared of getting hurt.” The lump in my throat shifted into a boulder. “Now I’ll never get another chance to take that ride with him, and there’s nothing I can do to fix that.” I looked at her meaningfully. “So let me ask you a question. If you miss supporting your dad with this dinner, miss giving him a second chance, will you regret your decision if something happens to him?”

  Her delicate features suddenly tightened and her face reddened as she finally nodded. “Yes, I’d probably regret it for the rest of my life.” A small sound escaped her. “But this is so hard . . .”

  “I know.” I pulled her into a hug, wishing I could ease some of her pain the way she’d done for me last night. “Life’s way too hard sometimes. But I think the best way to fix a regret is not to make the mistake in the first place.”

  She sniffed then leaned away, wiping her nose. “What about you? You said Bernie’s Realtor was showing the building to a second buyer today, right?”

  I shook my head, confused at where she was going with this. “So?”

  “If she’s showing to a second buyer, then it’s possible Bernie hasn’t accepted the first offer yet. Twenty-four hours is a standard amount of time to respond in the business world, so there might still be a chance to let Bernie know you’re interested.”

  My brows came together as I pulled a loaf of rye from the breadbox. “You’re as bad as Nate.”

  “I’m just using your own logic.” She held her hands up defensively. “Once the bakery sells, there’s nothing you can do about it. I just think Bernie should have all of the facts before he makes his decision. Maybe the buyer is going to turn his bakery into a frozen yogurt shop and he’d rather accept a lower offer in order to keep his business alive.”

  A sharp pain sliced through my chest at the thought of a frozen yogurt shop replacing Bernie’s Bakery. But there was nothing I could do about that now. “I emailed the human resources manager at my old job this morning to let her know I was interested in the customer service position that became available when Ellen gave her notice.”

  “But you didn’t like working there,” she reminded me.

  “It’s a steady job, and pays the bills.” Even though I had a good paying job again to pay off my credit card, I’d never felt worse in my life. With a knot in my throat, I spread mustard over both pieces of bread, then I sliced through an onion with a vengeance. “Kaitlin already emailed me back and confirmed the job’s mine. I start in a week, after I’ve fulfilled my promise to Bernie.”

  “You won’t regret that decision? Or the decision you made about Nate?” She stared at me a few moments. When I didn’t answer, she picked up her plate and set it in the sink. Then she checked her watch, and raised her brows. “I’m going to the dinner. Wish me luck.”

  “Good luck.” I forced a smile, then watched her wave and disappear out of the kitchen. A moment later I heard the front door open and then close as she left.

  I put the rest of my sandwich together, but I had no appetite. My mind whirled at our conversation, but talking to Bernie about the bakery was not the same as Mary Ann having dinner with her dad. Bernie wasn’t my dad, but I was afraid he’d sacrifice his happiness for me anyway, and that wasn’t right.

  My cell phone beeped and I wondered if it was Mary Ann changing her mind. But when I checked my phone, my heart skipped a beat. It was a text from Nate: Picking up your dad’s ashes from your mom’s at nine o’clock sharp tomorrow morning. So I’ll pick you up at a quarter til?

  My heart pounded hard in my chest. What would be the point of going up in the hot air balloon to scatter my dad’s ashes? I didn’t need to finish my dad’s Carpe Diem list when I’d already lost the bakery. And my dad was dead. I’d turned him down and missed my chance to go up with him, which was just something I’d have to live with.

  My fingers flew over my keyboard, and I typed back: I’ve decided not to go. Thanks for taking his ashes up, though. My mom really appreciates it.

  Seconds later, my phone beeped again: Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll pick you up in the morning.

  The thought of seeing Nate again before he left for Peru would literally feel like a dagger to the heart. So I typed back: I’m not going. Please respect my decision.

  Having made my choice, I set my phone down, then started to put my sandwich makings away. It was time to get back to the calm life I’d had before Nate had reappeared and I’d learned that Bernie was selling his bakery. I’d work at Woodward Systems Corporation again, get my own place, and I’d only date men who wouldn’t shatter my world.

  Suddenly my cell phone beeped, startling me. I gaped at another text from Nate. What could he possibly have left to say? Inhaling deeply, I ran my finger over the screen: Your dad made his Carpe Diem list for you because he wanted you to seize life. Being alive isn’t enough. You have to LIVE, too.

  Like the worst kind of masochist, I read his text over and over, especially the last line. Being alive isn’t enough. You have to LIVE, too.

  Squeezing the phone into my palm, I finally sank to the kitchen floor and sobbed. A wet nose nudged under my chin, licking several times until I opened my eyes. But when I gazed back at Fudge through my hot blurred vision, I saw that her tail wasn’t wagging. Instead, s
he just stared at me with her brown eyes, and I couldn’t help wondering if she was disappointed in me.

  Chapter Ten

  It had taken me forever to fall asleep, but I was still clutching my pillow when a beeping noise jolted me awake. I could feel Fudge’s warm body cuddled by my feet under the covers, her rhythmic breathing going up and down against my ankle as my eyes adjusted to the darkness.

  Beep! Beep!

  A faint light shone from my nightstand and I realized my cell phone was going off. I lifted my cell, noting the time, which showed a couple minutes past ten in the evening. How long had I been asleep?

  I remembered bawling my eyes out on the kitchen floor for an eternity until the sobs had subsided and exhaustion had won out. Then I’d somehow managed to climb into bed, although apparently I hadn’t bothered to change out of my day clothes. Lovely.

  My eyes felt swollen shut, and I could barely see through the narrow slits. I propped myself up on one elbow then ran my finger across the cell screen. There was a text from Mary Ann and I tapped on the image to open it.

  Her text read: Thank you so much for the talk earlier. This was the best dinner my family’s had . . . well, pretty much ever. My life has been bittersweet. But I’ve been stuck in the bitter and not focusing on the sweet. Know what I mean?

  Since I was currently drenched in bitter, I knew exactly what she meant. I typed back: So glad you had a good time. You deserve it.

  Then I plopped back down on my pillow, and did something very stupid. I re-read Nate’s text from earlier: Your dad made his Carpe Diem list because he wanted you to seize life. Being alive isn’t enough. You have to LIVE, too.

  I moaned into my pillow. Nate’s advice sounded all well and good in theory, but how many times could a person get knocked down before they didn’t want to get up again?

  His text infuriated me so much I wanted to take a chocolate marshmallow fudge bar and throw it at him. Unfortunately, the thought of fudge reminded me of Nate feeding me that sweet bite on the rooftop terrance, which then reminded me of my tongue swiping across his sugary-laced finger. A shiver ran through me.

  Suddenly I was moaning into my pillow for an entirely different reason. I missed Nate. And it had only been a matter of hours since we’d broken up. How was I supposed to last a lifetime without him?

  Reading his text one more time brought me to the conclusion that my phone was dangerous. All I wanted to do right now was text Nate and tell him to forget what I’d said about us being too different. Gripping the cell phone in my hand, my mind started floating. . . .

  Moments later I stood in a hot air balloon, soaring across the sky on a sunny day. A beautiful jade-green bird flew by me, and I longed to feel its soft feathers. But as I reached toward its vibrant coat, the bird dipped beneath the basket. I leaned over the rim, stretching my hands out to touch it, but I lost my footing and tumbled over edge.

  The air rushed out of my lungs as I fell at high speed, grasping desperately all around me but the only thing my hands latched onto was air. My stomach jumped into my throat and I gazed up at the hot air balloon above me as the bright yellow balloon shrank smaller and smaller the further I fell. What had I been thinking leaning over the edge? I’d wanted to ride in the basket, and with one stupid move I’d lost everything.

  In the faint distance I heard a beeping sound. A rush of warmth washed over me, reminding me of Nate. Then my gaze shot beneath me. I plummetted toward the earth but my fear left me as the ground morphed into strong, muscular arms spread wide to catch me. I gasped, then glanced up at my savior. Jade-green eyes peered back at me. Nate.

  The corners of his mouth turned upward. Without thinking, I kissed him. The warmth of his mouth on mine sent chills through every cell of my body. My arms tightened around his neck, but then he pulled away grinning. He gestured behind him to a brown horse with a white star above its eyes. In one fell swoop, he lifted me up and my leg straddled over the horse until I was sitting upright.

  He mounted his own horse then we rode up the brown dirt path toward the cloud-covered peeks in the distance. We were on an adventure together in Peru. Nate turned to me and smiled, filling my heart with more joy than I ever thought possible. Then I looked up, searching the sky until I found where it was brightest blue. The spot shifted as if someone was trying to tell me something.

  Something very important that I couldn’t decipher.

  Suddenly, the sky darkened and a thunderous boom sounded, sending vibrations through my body. Lightening flashed through the sky, a bright streak illuminating the mountain peaks before darkness fell again. Then rain pelted down painfully hard. My gaze darted to where Nate had been riding next to me, but he wasn’t there anymore.

  I glanced behind me and there he was on the trail, and I was still riding off without him. He reached for me—

  I bolted upright in bed, breathing rapidly. The sun shone through my blinds, and my face was soaked. I clasped my cheeks, swiping the wetness away on my long sleeves. I’d had a dream. No, make that a nightmare. And in an instant I knew what it all meant.

  My falling from the sky wasn’t from seizing life, it was me running from it. Bolting from the second chances I’d been given with Nate, the bakery, and the hot air balloon. Oh, no! The hot air balloon! Nate was leaving my mom’s house at nine o’clock.

  I couldn’t believe how I’d messed up on task four. I didn’t need to finish the last task on the Carpe Diem list for the inheritance money, I had to finish it for my dad. For me.

  My gaze shot to the clock on my nightstand and I noted it was ten minutes til nine o’clock. I grabbed my phone and dialed Nate’s cell phone number. My heart thumped against my ribcage as I held my cell to my ear. “Pick up!”

  The phone rang once, then went to voicemail. This is Nate. You know what to do. . . .

  “No!” I redialed his number, but was sent straight to voicemail again. I threw my comforter off me and Fudge, then jumped from the bed. I raced to the kitchen and grabbed my keys and purse off the island counter.

  “Good morning,” Ginger said. I hadn’t even noticed her at the dining table.

  “I have to get to my mom’s house before Nate goes up in the hot air balloon.” I gasped frantically and watched her eyes widen as I checked the time on my cell. “And I only have eight minutes. Can you feed Fudge and let her out to potty?”

  “Of course.” She stood, following me as I ran to the front door. “Good luck!”

  “Thanks!” I called out, dialing Nate again, but no dice. Voicemail. As I ran toward my car, I dialed my mom’s phone number. It rang three times before the answering machine picked up. Hi, you’ve reached Elizabeth. . . . “Doesn’t anyone answer their phone in an emergency?” I yelled.

  I slid into the driver’s seat, throwing my cell and handbag on the passenger seat next me, and started the car. I backed out of the parking space quickly, then zoomed toward my mom’s house, hoping Nate would still be there. He had to be. He simply had to be.

  ****

  As I drove to my mom’s house, I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been. I’d told Mary Ann to seize her second chance with her dad, but I’d been too scared to do the same with Nate. In fact, I’d been too scared to take risks with the bakery, too; as soon as I’d been given the chance to get my old job back, I’d taken it.

  When I reached a red light, I pulled up my Internet on my phone, and responded to the letter from Kaitlin with my voice recognition: Kaitlin, Thank you so much for the opportunity to have my job back, but I have to turn it down. Hope to meet up with you socially sometime though. Best, Melinda

  It had taken major bravery to add that last part about hanging out, but after the compassionate support from my girls’ night on Friday, I knew I needed to reach out to other people more even if it was difficult. Once I hit SEND on my email, the light turned green and I stepped on the gas. I would finish my dad’s Carpe Diem list for me, and then I’d finally accept the inheritance funds he’d wanted me to have.

  Althoug
h I couldn’t take away from Bernie’s retirement by telling him I wanted to buy his bakery, I could use the money to start my own bakery. Maybe I’d learn to love it as much as Bernie’s Bakery one day. Melinda’s Bakery? No, that sounded way lame. But I’d figure it out and pursue my dream. Yes, I would seize my second chances from now on!

  It was two minutes after nine when I rounded the corner before my mom’s house, and I just hoped that Nate was still there picking up my dad’s ashes. I pulled into my mom’s driveway at high speed, and a wave of relief passed through me when I spotted Nate’s motorcycle parked beside the green lawn. I stopped my car just behind it, then dashed to the door.

  I rang the doorbell. Then I tried the front door handle, which turned out to be unlocked, so I hurried inside. On the marble floor of the foyer were stacks of boxes with address labels on them. A couple of the boxes sat open, and some of my mom’s ceramic hot air balloons peeked out. Weird.

  “Nate!” I called out as I sped down the hall, passing the grandfather clock next to the staircase. My gaze darted to the family room where my dad’s urn still sat, but nobody was in there. “Hello?”

  I raced toward the kitchen, wondering where Nate and my mom could be. Then I stopped short when I spotted Bernie standing next to the granite kitchen countertop, wearing only a bathrobe. What the . . .?

  Bernie’s coffee mug froze halfway to his mouth. “Um, good morning?”

  My eyes bulged and mouth opened but no words came out.

  “Sweetheart?” My mom’s voice came from behind me. “What are you doing here?”

  I swiveled around to find my mom coming out of the hallway wearing a silky red robe. She stopped in the kitchen, wearing a concerned expression, and I wanted to yell at her to cover herself up in front of Bernie. “What is going on? Why is Bernie here? Why are you wearing a sexy robe?”

  And as soon as I asked the question, the answer was so obvious.