Until I Die Again [On The Way To Heaven] (Soul Change Novel)

by Tina Wainscott

  “This is how you take care of my brother?”

  Hallie turned at the sound of Miguel’s cynical voice. She bowed her head, not wanting to face him. The lobby was filling with new arrivals, ready for an exciting first day at Caterina. A handful sat soberly waiting for the golf cart to take them back to reality. None were as sad to leave as she was.

  She finally summoned the courage to meet his eyes. “I told him I’d be back.”

  Miguel leaned against a post, his large arms crossed over his chest. “From where?”

  “I can’t tell you.”

  His eyes softened. “Hallie, don’t do this to him. He loves you, more than he’s ever loved anyone before.”

  The tears were at the ready, giving everything a surreal, wavery look. “I have to go. Miguel, I love Jamie more than anything in the world, but I can’t be completely happy until I resolve something from my past. It’s not a man, I’m not in love with anyone else.” She saw the cart pull up. “I have to go. Goodbye, Miguel. Tell Jamie I’m sorry and that I love him.”

  “You tell him.”

  “He was the one who left last night. He was the one who didn’t answer when I knocked on your door this morning. Please, tell him for me.”

  He reached out and touched her arm. “He means it, Hallie. He doesn’t want you back if you leave. Don’t you realize that you’ve run out of second chances?”

  Her lip trembled. “I have to go.” She turned and ran to the cart, throwing her bag in back and ordering the driver to get her out of there fast.

  CHAPTER 17

  Jamie started drinking at four o’clock, in blatant disregard for the doctor’s instructions to avoid alcohol while taking the pain killers. Juicy was giving him particularly pitiful looks, and he guessed that everyone knew Hallie had left him.

  “Your wife, she love you very much,” Juicy said softly. “She be back as soon as she can.”

  Jamie lifted his head and narrowed his eyes. “What do you know about where she’s going? You’re her friend—did she tell you?”

  “I don’t know where she go, jus’ dat it be hard for her to leave.”

  Renee sidled up to the bar and took the seat next to him. “Hi, stranger.”

  “Go ‘way,” he slurred, angry at his own susceptibility to liquor. He needed both arms braced on the counter just to keep himself upright.

  “Absolutely not. In fact, I’m taking you home. You don’t want the guests to see the owner like this.”

  She took his arm and pulled him away from the stool. He knew she was right. Her arm was linked with his as she guided him down the pathway that led home. When he was faced with the cozy exterior, lighted and welcoming, he stopped. So many nights he saw this scene and couldn’t wait to get inside and be with Hallie.

  “I don’t want to go home,” he stated.

  “Fine, come home with me then.”

  He turned unsteadily, and she caught his arm to keep his balance.

  “Jamie, how did you get so drunk? I’ve never seen you like this.”

  He fished in his pocket for the bottle of capsules from the resort’s pharmacy and held them up to her.

  “Geez, you know better than that!”

  The smell of gardenias made him feel nauseated, and he sped up the pace.

  “I guess you know about…”

  “Yes,” she interrupted. “I know.”

  “Bitch,” he slurred.

  “Yes, I know.”

  She fumbled with the keys at the door to her bungalow. He stepped inside without any invitation and looked around at the ruffles, lace, and pink gingham.

  “I didn’t know you were a closet fru-fru.”

  “What’s a fru-fru?” she asked, coming up behind him.

  “One of those women who likes this kinda stuff.” He made a vague wave.

  “What’s wrong with fru-fru?”

  He shrugged. “Nothing, I guess. Just didn’t expect it from you.”

  She turned off the light, pitching them into sudden darkness. “I’m going to turn on a softer light.” She moved up behind him and slid her arms around his waist. “Jamie, I…”

  He threw her down on the couch and lunged on top of her. His lips mashed down on hers, and she groaned. His hands trailed down smooth, cool skin, and she reached down to unbutton his shirt. When she had him bare-chested, he tried unsuccessfully to unbutton her shirt, then ripped it apart.

  “Jamie,” she said.

  “Shh.”

  The skin his hands roamed over was softer, spongier, not taut like—he wouldn’t think of her.

  Renee had her hands on his belt, tugging at it. He shoved his tongue into her mouth, and her hands fell to the side. After a moment, she started working at his belt again. She was making little whimpering noises. He stopped kissing her, then forced himself to start again. She unzipped his pants, but before she could start pushing them down, he rolled away from her.

  When he turned on the light, it revealed a startled expression on her flushed face. It had a sobering effect on him. She sat up and moved next to him, her brown eyes wide in confusion. When she reached up and touched his hair, he couldn’t stop the involuntarily reaction of moving away. She dropped her hand.

  His voice sounded thick. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. “In the dark, I see Hallie.”

  She forced a smile. “We’ll leave the lights on.”

  He was already shaking his head. “It’s more than that. I wanted you to be her.”

  Renee’s shoulders drooped. “I can’t be her, Jamie.”

  He reached out and touched her chin. “I know that. It would be wrong for you to try.”

  Her chin trembled, and she looked away. Tears made her eyes shiny. “She left you. Why can’t you forget her?”

  He sighed. “I wish I could. But God help me, I can’t. I need to find out why she left. If it’s for another man, I can put it to rest. But I can’t let her go until I’m sure, and I’m really not sure.”

  Renee reached over and put her hand on his shoulder. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

  He stood, then offered Renee his hand. Helping her to her feet, he pulled her closer. “You know, there’s someone else who needs you more than I do.”

  She tilted her head. “Someone else? What do you mean?”

  He smiled. “You really haven’t noticed, have you? Someone who appreciates what a beautiful woman you are, how wonderful and kind. Someone who’s a lot more deserving than I am.”

  Renee’s eyes widened, and a smile lit her face. “Miguel?”

  Jamie nodded. “He’s been in love with you for a long time. He’s never admitted it to me, of course, but I can tell.”

  “But Miguel is my friend. He’s warm, wonderful, sweet. He’s…” Her eyes widened more. “Oh, I don’t know.”

  “He’s a good guy. And very patient.”

  “Patient, indeed.” Then her expression dimmed. “But he’s still mad at me for spilling the beans about Hallie the other night.”

  “He’ll get over it. If I can forgive you, he can.”

  She pushed out her lower lip. “Have you forgiven me?”

  “Yes. Just don’t tell me anything else, okay?”

  “There’s nothing else.” Then a thoughtful frown lit her face. “Miguel. I’m not sure I could feel that way about him.”

  “You could try.”

  “I could. I love him as a friend, but I’m just not sure.” She grinned. “I told him I was going to seduce that woman right out of your head. He’s going to think…”

  “Not if you go over there now.”

  She smoothed her hair and put her shirt back on. “I think I’d better change into another shirt,” she said when she found no buttons to insert.

  Sorry about that.”

  “It’s going to be hard getting over you, you know.”

  Jamie shook his head. “Nah. I predict by the end of this evening you’ll have fo
rgotten all about me.”

  She walked over and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. “Don’t count on it. You’re a hard man to forget.”

  “You’ll have other things on your mind. Have an eventful evening. And describe the look on his face when you show up.” But he already knew what Miguel would look like. He could imagine it well enough.

  Renee changed her shirt, then walked with him to the door. She stopped and looked up. “You’ll be all right?”

  “Something tells me I will.”

  She sighed, biting her lip. “I’m never going to forget that kiss, Jamie.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “I wish you would.”

  The door closed behind them, and she walked slowly down the lighted pathway. He was glad for his brother. He hoped it would work out.

  As for Hallie, she was dealing with something right now, but he didn’t think it had anything to do with a man. It was something she couldn’t share with him, something more than bridge nightmares, and that hurt. He was her husband, and his place was by her side, no matter what she was facing.

  Hadn’t he closed the door himself by suggesting she see a doctor about her dreams and paranoia? Her paranoia had turned out to be valid. But she also seemed abnormally afraid that he would send her to the Sharp Rehabilitation Center. He sighed, and headed in the direction of home. After all, she’d made her decision. And he’d made his. He just wasn’t sure if he could stick to it.

  Is this what it would feel like to be returned home after ten years in an alien ship? Maven was another world, a place she had dreamed about, a distant memory from someone else’s life. Tucked amidst the mountains at over eight thousand feet, thoughts of palm trees and beaches seemed ludicrous.

  As they had for generations, the residents of Maven were stringing up Christmas decorations from the lampposts on the very first day of December. Hallie sat in her rented SUV along Main Street, watching them… smiling and crying at the same time. Her entire life had been spent there, growing up, laughing, playing. Dying.

  She wrapped the coat she’d purchased on her layover tightly around her and stepped out of the car. The red buildings held the flavor of the old west, some with white columns and wooden porches in front. It seemed so different now. Maybe because she was different. A woman who had died and been reborn, had loved and been loved.

  She couldn’t keep the cry from escaping her throat, and she bowed her head into her gloved hands. So recently she had been in Jamie’s arms, making love to him, knowing it could be her last time if he never forgave her for leaving.

  “Miss, are you all right?”

  She jerked up to see the owner of the store she was standing in front of peering anxiously at her.

  “I’m fine, Mrs. Stanford.”

  The woman’s soft brown eyes became curious, her mouth curved in a smile. “Do I know you?”

  Hallie glanced at the sign. “I, uh, saw the sign. You are the owner, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, I am.” She laughed. “You just guessed that?”

  “Uh hm.”

  “It’s awfully cold out here. Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?”

  “No, but thank you. I’ve got to get going.”

  Hallie walked carefully across the icy sidewalk to her car. She drove down the small strip that constituted the “main drag” of Maven. Cheech’s Pizza Parlor looked cozy and crowded, brightly lit and full of activity. If she thought she could walk in without sobbing, she would. It was strangely disappointing to see life going on without her, yet she knew it must.

  Just before the road turned rural, Alan’s auto shop sat at the corner, dimly lit. She slowed down, and with her pace so did the beating of her heart. He was there in the office, alone. A new, black pickup truck sat out front, perched high on extended shocks. She could stop and talk to him right then. The numbness inside her warned that it wasn’t a good idea. Not yet.

  Curiously, the sight of his shop didn’t cause a melancholy to settle over her, didn’t make her heart swell. Instead she felt colder than the snowflakes swirling around her car. Not that anyone could cause the response Jamie did. She squeezed her eyes shut. No, she would never feel that way about anyone else. But still, shouldn’t she feel something?

  She kept driving, wanting to take in everything around her—the sight of the frosty mountains rising around her, covered in misty fog, the snow-laden aspens sagging under the weight, the wooden railing encircling acres of farmland. Everywhere she looked, a memory leaped at her. Tears slid down her face, not for things lost, but for things she had, for a happy childhood and a family who loved her.

  Dense branches made the stands of bare trees look as though they were going up in smoke, giving them a hazy appearance. Only when she spotted the cedar house set back from the road a short distance did she realize why she had come this way. Her heart dropped down by the brake pedal she pressed so hard in front of her parents’ house.

  Through the huge windows in front, she saw the fireplace’s reflection dancing along the walls, an occasional movement inside. Her parents. Maybe a sister, maybe all three. Why did I come out here? I knew it would be like this. She wanted to walk up to the window and watch them all evening, even after they went to sleep.

  The sound of a horn jarred her, and she whirled around to see a truck waiting for her to move along. She pulled into her parents’ driveway, hesitating only a moment before backing up again.

  Hallie headed back to town, pulling down the side street where the Maven Inn was tucked away. The Inn had been resurrected from the gold rush days, with shutters and red paint specially treated to look almost as old as it really was. Home for now. She pulled out her bag, picked a clump of snow from a tree and pressed it against her eyes to help with the swelling. Hopefully the clerk would think it was just the cold that made her look as if she had been crying for days.

  She handed Jake her credit card, suppressing the urge to call him by his first name. If Jamie turned her away when she returned to Caterina, maybe Maven would become her home again. As long as it wasn’t really true that home was where the heart was.

  It didn’t take Hallie long to be sharply reminded of her reason for coming back to Maven. The nightmare came back with the force of the train that roared by the outskirts of town. She woke in the night, hearing the distant whistle that echoed mournfully in the distance.

  She turned on the light and snuggled into the blankets more, wishing the heater in the old place worked better. Without leaving the bed, she leaned way over and pulled her suitcase from the nearby dresser. She dumped the contents out on the bed. The article and obituary had disappeared. She tried to remember if she had read them on the plane, but she couldn’t recall thinking of anything but Jamie. Could she have left them at Caterina? Possibly. She took only a bit of reassurance in the fact that he would never find them in their hiding place: taped beneath the dresser in their bedroom.

  At seven o’clock that morning she was sitting in the saloon-style restaurant drinking her fourth cup of coffee. Downright jittery by eight, she stepped out into a clear day with only a smear of thin clouds to interfere with the deep blue sky.

  In a few minutes, she found herself staring at the auto shop again, wondering why the feeling of dread was creeping up her like a shadow. She shook it off and walked inside the cluttered waiting area that smelled of gas and stale smoke. When Alan walked out of the tiny office, she felt the blood drain from her face. It returned when she stepped forward and introduced herself.

  “Hello, I’m Hallie DiBarto. I just moved into town.”

  His green, deep-set eyes appraised her unashamedly before lazily wandering back to meet her eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure I’ve never seen you around here before.” He smiled. “You’re awfully tan for this time of year.”

  She glanced down at herself, trying to push away memories of beaches. “I, uh, tanning salons. I like to keep my color.”

  He moved a toothpick from one side of his mouth to the other with his tongue. “Won’t find anythi
ng like that around here.”

  She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. Listen, I was just wondering if you needed anyone to do your books or office stuff.”

  He leaned back and stuck oil-tinged fingers into grimy jean pockets, a curious expression on his face. “As a matter of fact, I do need someone to take care of my books. How did you know?”

  “Lucky guess?”

  She knew he looked much better cleaned up and shaven, but she couldn’t imagine what had drawn her to him so many months ago when he’d first moved to Maven. Out of place was the thick, gold rope hanging around his neck. It was new, and as her eyes lingered on it, his hand moved to twist it around.

  “When can you start?” he asked.

  “Now. I need the job.”

  “This is only part-time.”

  “That’s fine.”

  He showed her to his large, cluttered desk, and cleared a small place for her.

  “Now don’t mess with anything else around here, okay? I know where everything is, so I don’t need anyone tidying up.”

  “I understand.”

  She sat at the desk where Chris had spent many hours doing his books, talking with him. As she was familiarizing herself with his system again, his presence leaning just above her made her gaze drift to him.

  “What brings a sexy lady like yourself to this stinkin’ place anyway?”

  “Dreams,” she said. “I always had a dream of living in a small town in the mountains. And I don’t think this town stinks.”

  “You’re new. Give it some time.”

  He lingered for a moment, as if weighing her answer. Finally, he walked out to the garage where, through the glass window, she saw him glide beneath a car. The nightmarish feeling gripped her insides, and a flash of her last conversation with Alan. My name is Randy Vittone. What does it mean?

  When she got off work at three o’clock, she decided to find a place to live. First, she would drive by her old house. That would prove less emotional than her parents’ house. Unless maybe there was a “For Sale” sign out front.