Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

“Let me have Araya for the day,” I told Careless, leaning over her on the couch in the study. She looked up from her book and eyeballed me.

  “Again? Why this time?”

  “I want to take her somewhere.”

  She slammed the book shut and put it down on her legs.

  “I know you told me to stay out of your business, but I have to ask again, are you sure you know what you’re doing? I’ve never seen you like this with a girl before.”

  “I’m not in love, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

  “But are you falling in love, Ry?”

  Her question surprised me, but I didn’t stop to analyze it. “No. Now can I have Araya for the day?”

  She sighed and picked her book back up, flipping it open to her page.

  “Go. I have a book to finish anyway.”

  I pulled on a long piece of blond hair and pushed away from the couch.

  “Jerk!” she called after me.

  ***

  “I want to take you somewhere today, but it’s not in walking distance.”

  I watched as her expression went from excitement to uncertainly. I’d found Araya already outside and waiting for Careless. It had stopped raining, but grey clouds lingered above.

  “We’d have to take my car to get there and I know we’ve only had one back seat session, but I thought maybe…”

  She twisted her fingers in her lap. “Couldn’t we ask Joseph to take us?”

  “We could. If you really wanted him to, he can. I really want to take you, so I don’t care how we get there, but we could tackle another fear…”

  A sly smiled tilted her lips. “Or we could make out the whole way there,” she purred.

  “You’re killing me, hummingbird.” I laughed. “Okay, we’ll take the driver.”

  She caught my arm before I could get up. “You’re not upset are you?”

  I brought her fingers to my mouth and kissed the tips. “I told you I really want to take you. I don’t care how we get there.”

  She sighed and nodded. “Okay, we’ll take your car.”

  “Araya, I’m not trying to guilt trip you. I’m okay with Joseph driving.”

  “I know, but I want to try. I think it’s time.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She smiled up at me, trying to look reassuring. “Yes.”

  I kissed her swiftly, not trusting myself to linger too long. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be going anywhere. I lifted her up and we made our way out to my car.

  As I helped her in and put on her seatbelt, I worried I was pushing her too far. I could see the slight tremble in her hands and I knew if I listened carefully I could probably hear the pounding of her heart.

  Kneeling next to her seat, I took her hand in mine.

  “Are you sure about this? I’m not being my pushy self about this, I promise. We can go at your pace for this one.”

  She squeezed my fingers. “I’m okay, I promise. Now hurry up and take me to this mystery place.”

  “You’re going to love it, I promise.”

  I turned on the car, watching her closely. She gripped the door handle, but she took a deep breath and smiled at me.

  “Ready?”

  “Yep.”

  I talked to her the entire way, making sure there was never enough time to let her think about her surroundings. When we drove past the ocean, she rolled down her window and the moist, salty air swarmed the inside of the car. She stuck her hand out the window and combed through the breeze.

  “Have you ever been to the beach?” I asked her.

  Without looking away, she said, “Nope.”

  I promised to take her there next.

  Twenty minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of our destination and ran around the car to help Araya out. I grabbed the bag I’d packed and we walked up to the building.

  “There should be a key around here somewhere.”

  “It’s not open?”

  “Not today it isn’t.”

  “Isn’t that called breaking and entering?”

  “Only if I can’t find the key. Ah-ha!”

  I unlocked the door and let her go in first. Shutting the door, I locked it and we walked down a long hallway toward the back.

  “What’s that smell?” she asked, sniffing the air. “It smells sweet.”

  “You’ll see.”

  There was a sound coming from the back and as we got closer to it, the sound got louder.

  “What’s that buzzing noise?”

  I pushed open a door and led her outside. The whizzing noise was intense as she stepped into the small garden. Her face lifted toward the sun and she frowned.

  “What is that?”

  Moving behind her, I leaned over to whisper in her ear. “Hummingbirds.”

  I looked toward sky of the big enclosure and dozens of hummingbirds flying around.

  “Hummingbirds?”

  “They’re special. You see, all these hummingbirds you hear, they’re blind.”

  “What? They’re blind?” Her voice cracked as she looked at me.

  “Hummingbirds are born blind and as they grow they gain their sight, but these hummingbirds never did. So they keep them here so they’re safe from what they can’t see. It’s a Hummingbird Haven.”

  “But how do they survive?”

  “They adapt and they learn to live with their blindness.”

  She spun around in a circle, staring at the sky.

  “This is amazing. I can’t believe you found this place,” she said with tears in her eyes.

  “I knew you’d like it.” I wiped away a single tear as if fell down her cheek.

  “I love it.”

  “Come on.”

  I took her hand and moved us toward the center of the enclosure and opened the bag to pull out a blanket.

  “You can sit down.”

  She knelt onto the blanket, but didn’t sit. Instead, she lay down, staring up into the sky. The tiny bird’s shadows danced across her skin and her hair fanned out around her head like fire. I knelt down and lay next to her. My fingers found hers, entwining them together. Her head moved to look down at our hands.

  “I held my mom’s hand like this while I listened to her die.”

  Araya

  Twenty-Eight

  Ryland turned his head toward me, but didn’t say anything. The second he grabbed my hand, the memory hit me like a ton of bricks, constricting my breath.

  “We were driving home from the concert and I remember it was raining. We were both still on a high from the performance and we were singing really loudly in the car. The radio was blasting and she had looked away for just a second, one second to sing to me, and our entire world was turned upside down.

  There was something in the road, an animal or something, and she slammed on the brakes and swerved, but it was too late. The car was spinning out of control and then all of a sudden we were rolling.”

  My voice sounded far away and I was swept into the memory that I’d tucked away for so long…

  I sucked in a gasp and my eyes popped open, and unconsciousness was quickly replaced with fear. The rusty taste of blood coated the inside of my dry mouth, and my tongue bathed my lips. I tried to unscramble my thoughts long enough to figure out where I was. I took in another deep breath, but my lungs protested and I coughed hard.

  The jerky movement made me realize that moving was next to impossible as something felt like it was crushing the fragile bones of my ribcage. It hurt to breathe, so I took short shots of air, hoping it was enough to fill my deprived lungs. It wasn’t. In fact, it only seemed to make it worse as my head began to swim and I felt lightheaded. I had to swallow hard to hold back the urge to throw up. I was afraid I would choke on it if it came up.

  I was surrounded by a haze of thick, disturbing darkness, and no matter how hard or fast I tried to blink, I was still encaged in its restricting bleakness. I tried to turn my head, but a blaze of fire shot through my muscles, fading into my thighs, and I realized I co
uldn’t feel my legs.

  A whimper escaped my damp lips, and I could feel the trail of hot tears as they disappeared into my hair. The radio was on, and each thump of the bass against my back was like getting stabbed with a million needles. I tried to focus on what I could hear outside the music, anything that would take my mind away from the blinding pain.

  I thought I could hear the crackle of fire, but I couldn’t be sure. If I could escape the dark, maybe I could see something. Taking a deep breath, I held it as I turned my head farther to the side. I bit my lip to hold in the scream that tore at the inside of my throat. I couldn’t hold it in any longer and a cry broke through my lips as I completely turned my head.

  Shards of sharp glass pressed against my cheek, but I ignored the sting and blinked again. My vision was cloudy, like I was looking through water, and I blinked again, but it didn’t clear.

  “Mom?” Fear clung to my choked words.

  I waited, but there was no answer.

  “Mom?” I said louder and another sob broke through.

  Silence.

  I lifted my head, hitting my forehead on something firm. I couldn’t make out anything around me, and I dropped my head again, feeling weak. I tried to wiggle my body and found out quickly that was a big mistake. The scream that filled my ears was deafening, as pain shot through my side and coursed through my body. I was heading into full-on hysterics now, and my sobs filled the atmosphere around me.

  “Mom?” Silence. “I’m scared,” I whispered.

  I turned my head again and slid my arm over. My fingers inched over broken glass, searching for something, anything.

  She moaned.

  “Mom! “

  I started crying harder as I felt her fingers within my grasp. My fingers slipped between the tips of hers and tugged as best as I could, calling for her again. “Mom, please… please answer me.”

  She coughed and gasped for breath and squeezed my fingers, crying out. “Araya?”

  I started crying in relief. “Yes, Mom! I’m here” I tried to turn and see her, but it was so dark and everything was blurry.

  “How badly are you hurt?” Her words were choppy as she tried to drag air through her lungs. She was struggling.

  “I can’t feel my legs,” I said slowly, trying not to cry, “and everything is blurry. There’s something in my side and pressure on my chest. You?”

  “My chest hurts. It’s hard to breath. It came out of nowhere, Araya. I didn’t see it until it was too late. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t.”

  “Mom, it’s okay. We’re going to be okay. Help is coming.”

  Neither one of us mentioned the fact that no one knew we were here. If help were coming, it wouldn’t be anytime soon.

  “Araya, have I told you how proud of you I am?”

  “Always.”

  “Every mother deserves a daughter like you. You’ve given my existence meaning, my life reason. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.”

  “Mom?” My voice cracked. She was scaring me.

  “Have I ever told you the story of how you were born?”

  “Yes,” I whispered. Why was she doing this?

  “We’d just moved into that tiny one-bedroom house with that god-awful orange paint and brown shag carpet in the bedroom. I was too far along to paint it, so we suffered through the seventies flashback. You woke me up that night, just twirling away in my belly. I didn’t even realize I was having contractions until my water broke as I ate ice cream over the sink. When I finally realized I was in labor, I tried to shave my legs and fix my hair, but you were hell bent on coming NOW. I ended up having to call 9-1-1, and the EMT delivered you in the hallway. You were so beautiful. I’d never seen anything as beautiful as you were wrapped up in a baby pink blanket and snuggled against my chest. You were everything I ever dreamed of. You were a ray of light.”

  Tears slipped down the sides of my face. “That’s my favorite story.”

  “I feel like I haven’t given you enough motherly advice. Like, laugh as often as you can. Live with no regret, because life is short and nothing is forever, Araya. Love hard and when it’s worth it, risk it all. Don’t ever stop dreaming and reach beyond your own insecurities and touch the impossible, Araya. Be kind to everyone, but don’t let them mistake that for weakness. Never get so serious that you forget how to be silly. Leave your heart open for forgiveness. Don’t let anger imprison you. Moving on makes you stronger. No matter what happens after today, never forget that I love you, Araya. I’ve loved every minute of my life spent with you and I wouldn’t change a thing that’s happened.”

  “Mom, stop it! Why are you telling me all this?”

  “You’re a strong girl, Araya. Do you hear me? You’re stubborn and brave and you’ve completed me, baby—” She coughed hard, cutting her short.

  “Stop it! Stop talking like you’re dying! Stop it! You’re going to be fine.” I was angry. I was in denial. I wouldn’t believe what she was trying to tell me. “You can’t leave me! I need you. Please, Mom, please don’t leave me.”

  “Shh, it’s okay, baby.” She squeezed my fingers.

  Her breathing was so shallow and hoarse as she strained to pull in air.

  “I’ve never regretted my life either,” I whispered. “I’ve never wished I had a father. I never wished things were different. You’ve given me everything. You’re my best friend.” She needed to know that.

  “Sing to me, baby. Sing our song.”

  “Okay, but don’t go to sleep. Okay, Mom? Don’t go to sleep.”

  “Okay, baby. Okay.”

  I could hear the shallow rasp of her breathing and I felt comforted just knowing she was there and I could feel her. I listened to the sound of my soft weeping and stared into darkness.

  “…I felt like I lay there forever waiting for help to come,” I said, returning to the present. “I could hear the rain all around us and I remembered it being so cold. I was so tired, but I was afraid to fall asleep. Afraid that if I did, she would die alone and I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone. I knew she wasn’t going to wake up. I knew because I could feel it all around us.”

  “What?” Ryland asked.

  “Death.”

  “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey.”

  I’d been singing the same song for the eighty-ninth time. It was the only way I could keep track of how much time had gone by. I just wanted her to hear my voice, to know I was there.

  She moaned in pain and her breathing shifted. She was in agony and there was nothing I could do about it. She hadn’t said anything in a long time, and I was pretty sure she’d lost consciousness. Tears poured down the side of my face and I realized help wasn’t going to get there in time.

  “It’s okay, Mom,” I rasped, my lips trembling.

  I didn’t want her to hear me cry. I wanted her to know it was okay to go, that I would be okay and strong without her. I felt like someone was ripping my heart from my chest.

  I squeezed her fingers as her hoarse breathing became lighter and lighter. I turned my head toward her.

  “You don’t have to be scared, Mom. I’m right here and I love you. I love you so much. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m going to be okay. I love you,” I whispered, and then I couldn’t hear her breathing anymore.

  The empty silence was somehow deafening and it hit me that she was finally gone. I couldn’t control the sobs as they raked through my body until I was shaking hard. I let it all out and my cries filled the night air as I mourned for my mom. I squeezed her limp fingers, not wanting to let her go.

  I woke up sometime later to unfamiliar muffled sounds. People were yelling back and forth to each other. There was the roar of something electrical and the sound of grinding metal pierced through. I could still feel my mother’s fingers between mine and I stretched my head back to try and make out what was going on. Flashing lights stained my face and my eyes couldn’t bring into focus the blurry figures

 
Suddenly there was someone there, close to my face. He was asking me something, but I couldn’t make it out. I tried to drown everything out and focus on his voice.

  “We’re going to get you out! Are you okay? Can you move?” he said, but it came out in slow motion.

  I opened my mouth to tell him I couldn’t feel my legs, but nothing came out. My neck ached and I dropped it back.

  “There here, Mom. They’re going to get us out.”

  The shouting got louder and then there was no more pressure against my chest and I felt like I could breathe easier.

  “…All of a sudden there were hands all around me, lifting and pulling at me. I was being pulled from the car, pulled from my mother. I could feel myself losing my grip on her fingers and I held tight, resisting their tugs. I started screaming and crying, begging them not to take me away from her, but they wouldn’t listen.

  My fingers slipped from hers and then she was gone and I was being dragged free from the twisted metal cage and put into an ambulance. I was uncontrollable until I felt a cool prick in my arm and something soothing flowed through my veins until I couldn’t feel anything anymore. The next thing I remember is waking up three days later, blind and alone.”

  My words were drenched with the pain from the memory.

  “I wish there was something that I could say that could make your pain go away, Araya.”

  “I’ve never been as happy as I am with you, Ryland. That’s enough for me. I can’t be angry that I’m alive when my mom is dead. I can’t be angry that I’m blind because I never would have met you.”

  “I’ve never met anyone like you before, Araya. The way you view life and love… You’re not angry with anything that’s happened to you.”

  I turned my head toward him, and a smile tilted the corner of my lips. “Yeah, I’m kind of amazing that way.”

  He rolled over, bracing his arms on either side of my head, and we stared at each other upside down. It didn’t matter if I couldn’t see his face. I knew he was there and staring at me with those intense, smoldering blue eyes of his. I’d imagined them a million times since meeting him.

  His thumbs swept across my cheeks and his fingers caressed the sides of my neck up to my jaw. Tilting my neck back, he kissed my chin, and the dip below my bottom lip. He brushed his lips back and forth over mine, but the touch was so light I couldn’t even be completely sure it happened.