Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Look,” I began, “obviously I don’t know anything about your relationship with Burke, and there is clearly some history with that little hooker back there ... but I was here when she threw herself at him. I can swear to you that it was all on her. He was trying to get her off of him before you walked up.” It all came out in one breath. I didn’t know why I cared if she believed me or not, but for some reason I really liked the odd couple that they made together.

  “It’s just the same thing over and over. If it’s not Alicia, it’s another groupie whore. I’ve been dealing with it for three years. Sometimes it gets real old, ya’ know?” She smiled then. “We break up a lot. But I always come back. It’s a vicious cycle.”

  I knew then that she wasn’t going anywhere. “Come on,” I said, looping my arm through hers. “I’ll buy you a drink.” Instead of heading back to the boys’ bar, I pulled her toward the bar that was closer to the door and further from the stage where Burke was setting up.

  “Thanks,” she said. “But I drink here for free. It’s a perk of being related to the owner.”

  “Of course,” I said as I had an aha moment. “George is your dad.” The resemblance was clear to me now.

  She laughed sharply. “No. He’s my brother. My much older brother. And I can’t wait to tell him you said that.”

  We worked our way up to the bar, and she ordered a drink. While we waited for the bartender to deliver, she turned to me. A mischievous grin spread across her face. “Look, you did your job. I’m not going anywhere. So let’s talk about you and Adam.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

  “There’s not much to tell,” I said with a shrug. “We’re just hanging out.”

  “I understand that you’ve been hanging out a lot. You like him?” she asked, knocking my arm playfully with her elbow.

  “We have fun. But it’s just fun. We have an understanding.”

  Carly looked at me conspiratorially. “Let me tell you something. I’ve known Adam for as long as I’ve known Burke. They are kind of a package deal, those two. Under that tough exterior, Adam is just a really good guy.”

  She paused as if she was trying to decide whether to go on. Adam rarely talked about himself so if she was going to give up some information I wasn’t going to stop her.

  “More than a few times I’ve wondered if I picked the wrong one.” As she said it, she looked to the back of the bar where Burke was throwing a guitar across his body. She smiled and shook her head at the sight of him. It was clear who she wanted to be with.

  “Just be patient with him. I’m sure that he hasn’t mentioned it, but he just came off of a bad two-year relationship. She worked him over real good.” She paused before going on, “The women in his life have caused him nothing but heartache.”

  Before she could elaborate any further, Adam sauntered up. “Ladies,” he said. “Everything okay?”

  “We’re all good,” Carly said. “Alexis, here, can be very persuasive. Now, since I’m staying, I better get up there and stake my claim on my man. If I don’t, that skank will.” Carly started pushing her way back to the stage just as Burke and the band struck the first chord.

  If she had anything more to say on the subject of Adam, I wasn’t going to hear about it tonight.

  CHAPTER 10

  Adam

  Allie was thrashing around in bed, giving me a repeat performance of her messed up version of a peaceful night’s rest. It was nearly impossible to sleep next to the woman and becoming harder and harder for me to watch. I don’t know if it was hard because it was painful to watch her struggle or because I knew the source of her inner demons. It was probably a little of both, and that’s what worried me most.

  I rolled out of bed and slid into my jeans from the night before. The couch in the living room seemed like a more likely place to get some sleep. I turned on the TV and started flipping through channels. I kept the volume low so that I wouldn’t wake her. For some reason, I paused on an infomercial for a workout video. The low drone of the testimonials telling me how I could turn it all around in just 90 days wasn’t enough to keep me awake. When I awoke, the clock said that I’d snoozed away two hours. Alexis was sitting in the chair across from me, fiddling with her phone.

  “Waiting for another important email?” I asked through a yawn.

  She smiled at me, but it was forced. If there had been consequences from that missed email, she’d never said a word, but I suspected that it had caused her problems. And, ever since, she’d been very attentive to the little device that she hated so much.

  A surge of unwelcome emotions ran through me. One was more foreign than the others. Was it guilt? No. Couldn’t be. She was the monster, not me.

  Alexis

  I blinked at Adam for a moment, remembering the shitty couple of days I’d had due to one unexplainably missed email. I wouldn’t worry about it any longer though. What was done was done. I would have to work my way back into Harrison’s good graces somehow.

  I glanced around Adam’s spacious and well-appointed living room. Nothing about this apartment fit him. First, I knew from shopping for my own apartment a few years ago that a space this big in this neighborhood would have been pricey. Nice furnishings aside, a typical student in the city wouldn’t be able to afford it. Of course, it was possible that Adam had some money. However, I’d been around plenty of trust fund babies throughout my life, and he definitely didn’t fit that mold. If he came from family money, he certainly didn’t show it. Adam was a little older than the typical college student. Maybe he’d been one of those guys to make billions off the well-timed sale of a start-up. Maybe film school was a second career.

  Something else that stood out to me was the location. It wasn’t right for him. Murray Hill was a quiet area, more suited to retirees than tattooed students. Adam would have seemed more at home in the Bowery or Soho, and would be closer to NYU there than he was here.

  Finally, the apartment’s contents were a strange mix of old and new, modern and traditional. Some of the furniture, like the straight-lined couch where he was currently stretched out, were sleek with an urban flair. Those were the items that I would have expected to see in Adam’s apartment. But some other things, like the large brown tufted leather chair and ottoman in the corner seemed like castoffs from someone else. Something about that chair made me want to curl up with a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate.

  Since it was on my mind, I decided to bring it up. After Carly’s little admissions last night, a little more information about Adam would be welcome. My curiosity had been piqued.

  “Your place is very nice ... and, ummmm, large,” I said. “I’m sure your rent is nothing to laugh at. What did you do before you started school?”

  “Nothing of any consequence,” he stated flatly. He looked toward the TV and started flipping through channels.

  I sat my phone on the coffee table between us and stood up. Apparently, he was going to make this difficult for me. I made my way to the couch and sat down on top, tucking my knees into his sides.

  “I hardly believe that,” I said. The intensity with which he seemed to live life didn’t lend itself toward spending years of doing things of no consequence.

  Supporting myself with one arm, I leaned forward so that my hair fell forward and brushed his face. With one finger, I lightly traced the words imprinted on his perfect chest, knowing that it would make him uncomfortable, but still unable to resist.

  He flinched ever so slightly, but recovered quickly. He cocked an eyebrow and smirked. “Are you on a fishing expedition, Allie Cat?”

  “I believe I am.” I moved ever so slightly, pressing myself into the bulge hidden inside his unbuttoned jeans. “And I’m going to reel in a big one.”

  “I’m afraid this watering hole is dry and you’re gonna get skunked,” he said. His voice was laced with just a hint of Southern twang. It sounded perfectly natural rolling off his tongue, and I was reminded of his ties to Texas ... something we’d never discussed in any real
detail.

  “Maybe I just need to troll to a new spot,” I answered. I could keep up with the fishing references all day. All those childhood weekends at my dad’s fishing cabin were paying off now. I bent lower and brushed my lips lightly into the dip behind his ear.

  A low growl escaped from him. With seemingly no effort, he flipped us over so that I was now trapped beneath him. “I tell you what. Maybe if you cast a little longer, you’ll improve your haul.”

  I ran my hand around the waist of his jeans and snaked it inside. I grabbed a handful of his tight ass while my other hand worked the zipper on his jeans. Using one foot, I pushed his pants down until they were low enough for him to kick off.

  I stared down at the gloriously naked body hovering over me. “No underpants, Mr. Hill? Am I rubbing off on you?”

  “I believe you are. I don’t think it’s fair that you’re still dressed,” he said, eyeing my tank top. He dipped down and came back up with the hem of the soft fabric between his teeth. He pulled it up until my breasts were free of the fabric and then ducked back down to pay some special attention to the skin he’d just exposed.

  ***

  I uncurled my toes as the world slowly came back together around me. Resting my head on Adam’s chest, I listened to the heavy rhythmic thumping of his heart. I briefly wondered what it would feel like to have that heart beat just for me.

  I was losing my mind. These were not the types of things that I allowed myself to wonder about. Without lifting my head, I shifted over and slipped into the sliver of space between Adam and the back of the couch. I ran my fingers across the ridges of his abs and focused on the things that I was allowed to wonder about.

  His voice interrupted my laudatory thoughts. “I see you aren’t so full of questions now.”

  “Mmmmm,” I murmured contentedly. “You are a master of distraction.”

  “I believe you were fishing for information,” he said, reminding me. “Go ahead. Fire away.” He reached an arm above his head and pulled a blanket from the back of the couch. He flipped it over us and settled in for my inquisition.

  I decided to start out with an easy one. “How old are you?” I asked.

  “Twenty-nine,” he answered.

  “And you’ll be a senior next year. So you didn’t go to college until you were 26?” I asked.

  “Sort of. I started my freshman year when I was 18, but I had to withdraw during my sophomore year.”

  I glanced up at his face, but his eyes were trained on the muted television. “And then you took off the next six or seven years?” I felt him shift beneath me.

  “My family was going through some things. My mom needed someone to take care of her, and I was the only one to do it.”

  My breath caught and a lump rose in my throat. “Was she sick?” I asked quietly.

  “Yes ... well sort of ... she became sick,” he said.

  Carly’s words from the night before echoed around my head. The women in his life have caused him nothing but heartache. My stomach felt queasy. Who was this guy? While his friends had been partying at school and chasing girls, he’d been at home taking care of his sick mother.

  For six years.

  I thought back to the conversation two days before in my kitchen. Maybe what he’d said was true. Maybe he really didn’t want kids. If he’d given up the best years of his life to take care of his mom, he’d already played the role of caregiver. Maybe he never wanted to go down that road again.

  I knew there was more that he wasn’t telling me. As much as I wanted to push this subject a little further, I knew better. Despite his obvious efforts to keep his words vague and cryptic, he was opening up more than he ever had before.

  Knowing that he would welcome a change of subjects, I said, “How long have you had these sweet digs?”

  His breath caught and he held it for a few long seconds. Maybe this line of questioning wasn’t any better. But it was just an apartment. How touchy could this topic possibly be?

  “I moved into this apartment when I first came to New York eight years ago or so.” He paused before finishing, “You are wondering how I can afford it?”

  I looked up at him again, and he raised his eyebrows in a question. “Well, it’s just that it’s pretty nice for a student,” I stammered. I suddenly felt that I was being too nosy. His financial statement was none of my business. He gave me a hard look that made me think he agreed with me.

  “My family came into some money unexpectedly while I was taking care of my mom. This apartment was a part of that settlement.” The word “settlement” seemed to hang in the air between us. His eyes were dark and brooding now, and the sadness in them pierced my heart. But it was another emotion beneath the sadness that forced me to break his gaze and look away. It was anger. And for some unfathomable reason, I felt like it was directed at me.

  “Well, it’s nice,” I said, anxious to change the subject again. “It reminds me a little bit of an apartment that my dad used to have here in the city.”

  “I thought your family is in Dallas,” he said in a strained voice.

  “They are, but my dad spent a lot of time here for work when I was a kid. Most of my childhood was him flying back and forth every week. I was little ... probably 6 or 7 ... when my parents brought me here to do the whole Christmas in New York thing. We spent a whole week going to musicals, seeing the Rockettes, and shopping at F.A.O. Schwartz. The Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen.”

  I smiled, remembering a time when everything had been so easy. “We stayed in his apartment that week. I was only in it that one time, but your place reminds me of it a little bit. I’m not sure why.” While Adam may have had a hard time opening up to me, I was an open book, apparently. Well, almost an open book. I looked up at him, but his eyes were fixed on an infomercial for a green frying pan on the TV.

  “Why didn’t you move into your dad’s place when you came to the city?” he asked suddenly.

  “Columbia was sort of a last minute decision, and he’d sold it a few years before anyway. Besides, my dad wanted me to have the whole college experience so he made me live on campus.”

  I stole another glance at Adam. He was still staring at the TV, but his jaw was set in a rigid line. He was such a mystery to me. I never knew what reaction I was going to get. The strangest things seemed to set him on edge.

  As I pondered where the conversation should go from here, my phone vibrated on the coffee table. I reached across Adam and grabbed it off the table. A picture of my dad and I filled the screen.

  “Speak of the devil,” I said with a laugh.

  He slid out from under me and scooped his jeans up off the floor. “Talk to him,” he said without looking back at me as he strode naked across the living room. “I’ll give you some privacy.” He shut the door to the bedroom behind him.

  I stared after him. It felt like he’d shut more than just a door.

  I raised the phone to my ear. “Hi, Daddy,” I began.

  ***

  The weeks passed quickly as our arrangement found a rhythm. On Tuesday and Thursday evenings, we met at the gym where he would take me through a strenuous workout. Afterwards, we would go back to my place where I would return the favor.

  Saturday nights were spent at The Shelter and then Adam’s apartment. I became known around the bar as Adam’s girlfriend. I allowed myself that luxury simply because it was something I hadn’t experienced in years. I hadn’t been linked to someone else since high school. It felt good to have my name uttered in the same sentence with another’s. It felt even better when Adam did nothing to correct the misconceptions.

  Even so, I knew it was a farce. It might appear to an outsider that things were becoming more serious, but we were frozen at a crossroads. Neither of us was willing to take a step forward. Neither one of us was willing to scale the walls that had been so carefully constructed between us. We didn’t talk about the past. We didn’t talk about the future. We didn’t talk about
what we were to each other today. I told myself that these were good things because I was as happy as I’d ever been. I was in no hurry for it to end.

  But I wouldn’t lead him on either. I wouldn’t let him think that there could be a future with me.

  While my relationship with Adam was at a standstill, everything else was in a state of flux. Carly was the biggest surprise. We’d swapped phone numbers the night that I stopped her from leaving The Shelter. She’d texted me the very next day and asked me to have dinner with her. I hadn’t had a really good girlfriend since high school. We’d begun meeting at least once each week for dinner, drinks, shopping, or a movie, and sometimes all of the above. A void that I hadn’t even recognized was present was suddenly filled.

  Frequently, our conversations centered on the boys, but luckily she was usually happy to do most of the talking. Her relationship with Burke was riddled with enough problems that I don’t think she even noticed what was lacking in mine and Adam’s.

  And, frankly, it was refreshing to listen to her talk about Burke. Because it was the unattainable, I’d placed love on a pedestal. My parents had never fought in front of me as a child. I’d only seen the good, and, as a result, I had the impression that love was never hard. Carly reminded me daily, however, that even when it was good, love wasn’t perfect. It made grieving for what I couldn’t have a little more bearable.

  Lizzie was my biggest source of discontent during those weeks. She’d promised to tell me what was going on, but she’d cancelled on me that following Sunday. In the four weeks since then, she’d repeatedly cancelled our visits or just didn’t show up. I’d only met with her twice and that had been weeks ago. On both occasions, she’d been sullen and quiet. I told myself that she was just a teenager and that I’d been the same way at her age. However, deep down, I knew that there were bigger things at play.

  I wanted to help her with whatever it was that she was going through, but I was afraid to push too hard. I was afraid that I would lose her. So, even though I knew I couldn’t keep it up forever, I gave her some space and hoped that she would come to me when she was ready.