Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Ten tests.

  Ten pregnancy tests are done and sitting on the counter, staring at me. From the moment I place the test on the counter, my heart beats faster, and I can’t catch my breath.

  Two minutes.

  How can two minutes cause this much anxiety?

  I pace the bathroom again and try to calm down, but it actually makes me feel worse. I close my eyes and think about the last two weeks. Things have been crazy. Connor’s been in California, and I’m starting my career as a real estate agent. Our lives are beginning, and having a baby now won’t be good. I touch my stomach and let out a grunt.

  Ding!

  “Here goes nothing,” I mumble. I look down at each test and see two pink lines. “Oh shit!” Not knowing what to do, I walk backwards and hit the bathroom wall. I slide down, shaking my head. Placing my forehead on my knees, tears start coming from my eyes. I’m sobbing uncontrollably and my world is falling into pieces. There’s a burning in my throat and I feel guilty.

  Connor and I have only been together for six months, and now I’m pregnant. I take my birth control pills every day at the same time, how can this happen? With everything going on, a baby doesn’t quite fit into our lives. We’re not ready for a baby! I want to scream and cry but all I feel is numb. After sitting on the bathroom floor for what seems like hours, I get up, splash cold water on my face and walk over to Sophia’s house.

  The sun’s setting in the orange and purple majestic skies as I’m slowly walking to her house trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do. We live in the same neighborhood, and it’s nice to be near our best friends. The cool, crisp August air feels good on my skin. It’s having a calming effect on the cluster fuck going on in my mind, but I can’t shake this feeling of fear. I’m not ready to be a mom. I can’t even take care of myself most of the time! How can I take care of a baby? I’m a new twenty-two year old and still want to do so much in my life. Connor and I have plans to travel the world and going on all these adventures. We’re going to St. Lucia for Christmas, but oh my God, I’m going to be a whale by then! Hot weather and being pregnant do not go hand-in-hand.

  I know I’m being selfish, and I sound like a bitch, but I don’t know how else to feel. Of course, I’m happy, deep inside, and this baby was created from the love Connor and I have for each other.

  My head starts spinning from all the overwhelming feelings and questions overtaking me.

  Will I be a good mom?

  Will we be able to provide for our baby?

  Our family?

  Am I ready?

  It’s too much to handle, and I’m not sure how Connor’s going to react. I know he won’t blame me, but a part of me is scared that he’ll think I did it on purpose. He knows the traveling and being gone every two weeks is hard, especially since our relationship is fairly new, but I trust him and our love for each other.

  Connor.

  Thinking about him makes me smile.

  I thought love was a game and never believed in it. The guys I used to date saw me as Erin Costella—the girl addicted to drinking and sex. Yes, I had a bad past and Connor knew about it, but I’ve changed. I’m a better person than I used to be and it’s all because of Connor.

  My partying days are over, and my focus is on Connor and our life together. Life is full of surprises, Connor being my first. Now finding out that I’m pregnant is my second surprise.

  After a few more minutes, I make it to Sophia and Adam’s house. The front door is open so I walk inside and head on into the living room. Sophia’s laughing and telling Adam to leave her stomach alone. I hate that I’m going to ruin this moment between the two newlyweds, but I need my best friend more than ever. I take a deep breath and walk to where they’re lying down.

  “Erin?” Sophia sits up, pushing Adam to the side. “Are you okay?” She gets up and runs to me.

  My shoulders slump, and I feel sluggish. There’s a lump in my throat and tears are welling up in my eyes. I throw my arms around Sophia and let out my anguish and fear. “I’m pregnant,” is all I’m able to say before going into a full-blown sob.

  “Oh my God! Erin! This is amazing!” Sophia cries out and kisses my cheek. Why is she so excited? “Did you tell Connor?”

  I hear Adam laughing. “Adam, shut the fuck up! Seriously! You’re not helping.” I walk to the kitchen table and sit down.

  “Adam, babe, can you go get me some ice cream please?”

  “Baby, it’s eight o’clock. I don’t think any ice cream places are open.”

  “So? Go to the store. Now, please.”

  Adam sighs and gives his wife a kiss on her lips before heading out. Sophia sits down and takes my hand. “I’m guessing Connor doesn’t know, and this wasn’t planned?” I nod my head yes and start crying again.

  “I can’t be pregnant, Soph. This isn’t happening! Connor’s going to freak out! I’m only twenty-two.” I never thought about having kids or starting a family. Don’t get me wrong. I love Connor with my whole heart, and one day we’ll have one, but now isn’t the right time. He means everything to me, but we’re so young and still getting to know each other. We’re selfish and spend all of our time together. “What am I going to do?”

  Before Sophia answers, my phone starts ringing. I take it out and see that it’s Connor texting me. I swipe my phone to unlock the screen and read the message.

  Connor: Beautiful where are you? I’m home. Are you at Sophia’s?

  Looking at Sophia and trying not to break down and cry, I show her the message from Connor. She doesn’t say anything but her eyes do the talking. “What do I say?”

  “Answer the question, Erin! Tell him you’re here at my house and see if he wants to come over!”

  Me: Hi! You’re home early. Yeah I’m here. Want me to come home?

  Connor: No, I’ll head over there. See you in a few minutes.

  Me: Ok.

  I put my phone away and my head hangs low. “Connor’s coming over. Should I tell him now?”

  Sophia takes my hand and smiles. “Yes, I think you should. I’ll be upstairs, ok?”

  I nod my head yes and try to steady my breathing. I can do this. I need to do this. I hear the door open and close, and I feel my heart beating faster with each second. My hands start shaking, and I feel the room spinning. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don’t want to think anything negative but it’s hard to be positive. I close my eyes and count to one hundred in my head, but there’s no use, he’s here, standing next to me.

  His hands cup my face and his lips gently touch mine. I melt in his arms and fall in love with his smell—my Connor. The burning love between us is strong and will never go away. He’s my reason, and our love will help us get through this obstacle.

  “Babe?” I can hear how nervous he is, and I can’t hold it in any longer. I open my eyes and look at him. He kneels down before me and takes my hand. “Hey, beautiful. Where’s your head at?” He rubs circles on my hand with his thumb, trying to make me feel better but it’s not working. I need to do this, just need to spill it out.

  “We’re pregnant.” I can’t look at him and I start crying again. “I’m sorry, so sorry.” I’m waiting for him to freak out on me and tell me that I’m a horrible person, but I feel his hands on my hips, twisting me so I’m facing him. He places his finger under my chin and lifts my face up so that we’re looking at each other.

  “Really?” His eyes are wide and he’s smiling. What the hell? Why’s he smiling?

  “Yeah, I found out before coming over here. I’m late, and I’ve been feeling sick. I’m sorry that this is happening. I don’t want you to be mad.”

  Connor lifts me from the chair and lifts me up. He’s laughing and spinning me around. Holy shit. Where the fuck’s my boyfriend?

  “Close your eyes.”

  “Babe?”

  He takes my hand, and I hear the door slide open. I feel him shaking and am wondering what’s going on.

  “Open your eyes.”
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  Slowly my eyes open and I gasp. There are candles all over, I see Connor’s parents standing in the corner, and she’s smiling. Sophia and Adam emerge, and they are holding hands. I look at everyone, and I can’t help but start crying again. Oh my God.

  He gets down on one knee and looks up at me. “I love you, Erin. You’re my world, and my life is better with you in it. I know that we’ve only been together for six months, but these past six months have been the best. You challenge me and make me a better person. I’m happy that we’re pregnant because when I think about my future, I think about you and having a family. I think about you carrying our child and seeing you glow and our baby getting bigger.” He stops talking and closes his eyes. When he reaches into his jacket, I gasp. Oh. No.

  “Erin,” he takes my hand and smiles. “Will you marry me?”

  Oh. My. God! What the hell is going on? Am I being punked? He's asking me to marry him, and I don’t know what to say but I’m upset. The first thing that comes to my mind is that he feels obligated to do this. Little shit!

  “Are you asking me to marry you because I’m pregnant? Connor, that’s so messed up!” I throw my arms in the air, and I can’t believe what he’s doing. “I mean, you don’t have to feel obligated or anything. God, Connor you’re such a jerk!”

  Connor stands up and cocks his head to the left while tapping his bottom lip with his right hand. “I bought the ring last month, so unless I’m a fortune teller, I’m not sure why you’re so mad.” He walks over to me and is still smiling. “I love you, Erin. You know this. So, I’m going to ask you again.” He opens the box holding a three stone engagement ring, shining brightly at me.

  “Will you marry me?”

  My face burns with embarrassment. I stare at him and study his eyes. He’s serious. Everyone is waiting for my answer, and Sophia’s laughing. I look over and see smiles and tears. He’s asking me for real and not because I’m pregnant. The proposal isn’t because he feels like he has to marry me. He’s doing this because he wants to—Connor really wants to marry me.

  I close my eyes and remember the day we bought our house.

  “Connor, this is the house!” I walked around and skipped through the long hallway upstairs. The master bedroom had a large walk-in closet and a full bathroom, which was huge. We had a balcony where Connor and I could sit and watch the sunrise and sun set. I loved the view. It overlooked the backyard, and we had an in ground pool. There were three other bedrooms that were fairly large. I ran downstairs and walked through the living room and kitchen. This house felt like home. I walked through the kitchen and felt the marble countertops and stovetop. Everything in the kitchen was renovated and had all new appliances. Connor stood at the island with a smile on his face. I jumped in his arms and giggled in his ear.

  “Looks like this is going to be our house.”

  “And we’re in the same neighborhood as Sophia and Adam!” This was one of the happiest days of my life. Connor and I were moving forward in our relationship, and it felt incredible.

  I open my eyes, already knowing deep down my answer. I could never let Connor go, even if I wanted to. Every day with him is the best. I start smiling, “Yes, babe!”

  Connor wraps his arms around my waist and twirls me around. His lips crash onto mine, and my heart pounds against his chest. Every doubt, fear, or negative thought I had clouding my mind disappears, and I let myself go with his kiss. I’m giving Connor my heart and soul forever… well, he already has it—we’re just going to make it official.

  “I’m going to be an aunt!” Sophia screams, jumping up and down. Adam and Sophia look at us and we all break out laughing.

  Connor and Adam’s parents congratulate us and give us hugs and kisses. This moment will always be cherished. We spend some more time at Adam and Sophia’s house talking about our pregnancies while Adam and Connor have a few beers. It’s getting late and I can tell Connor is getting tired. We say our goodbyes, and I tell Sophia I’ll call her in the morning.

  I loop my arm through Connor’s as we walk back home. It’s a quiet walk back, and I wonder what he’s thinking about… “Where’s your head at?”

  Connor turns his head toward me. “Just thinking about our future, and how lucky I am to have you and our baby.” As young as we are, starting our lives together with a house and family is the best feeling.

  We make it back to our house and I climb the stairs to our bedroom while Connor checks the house to make sure everything is locked and the lights are turned off. I walk into our brightly lit bathroom and stand in front of the mirror. It's hard to believe that our baby is growing inside me. Slowly, I lift up my shirt and turn to the side. When my hand touches my stomach, something erupts inside of me and tears quickly fall from my eyes.I lift up my tee shirt and rub my stomach. “You know, I wasn’t happy when I found out that you were in my tummy, but now that your daddy is happy, so am I. You’re going to be our little present and I promise we’re going to love you forever.”

  Connor.

  Sensing Connor watching me, I turn around to see him staring at me with love in his eyes. Walking over to me, he bends down on one knee, and then he kisses and rubs my stomach. “I can’t wait to meet you.” Connor stands up and gently kisses my lips. “I’m glad we’re doing this.” He kisses me again and leans back against the sink counter. He squeezes my hand. “Don’t ever think I don’t want you to be my wife or the mother of my child. I know we’re young, but when I’m sure about something and I know that I’m making the right decision—well, I’m sure that I want this with you.”

  There’s a lump in my throat and my eyes are stinging with tears. Hearing his declaration of love and devotion to me and our child warms my heart and relaxes my body.

  Chapter Four

  Connor

  I rub small circles around my girl’s back and watch her sleep. Seeing her again next to me makes everything better. I take her left hand in mine and look at the ring on her finger. She’s going to be my wife and the mother of my child soon. She snuggles closer to me and rests her head on my chest. I see her breathing in and out with a slight smile on her face. I miss moments like this. I’m always traveling to California and staying there for weeks at a time. With Adam just getting married and expecting his first child too, I’ve been pulling more of the traveling, but now I don’t think I should be gone that much anymore. I lean my head against the wooden headboard on our bed and think about how everything’s going to be.

  Exhaustion hits me as I sink lower onto the bed, careful not to move and wake up the mother of my child. I look at her again, with love and tenderness in my eyes. She’s incredible, and I can’t wait to see the future with her.

  I wake up all of a sudden and don’t see Erin. “Baby?” I yell, looking frantically for her. I hear moaning from the bathroom and get up to see what’s going on. I open the door and see Erin’s head in the toilet and her body shaking. I kneel down beside her and rub her back. “Shhhh, I’m here, baby.” I kiss the top of her head and she vomits again.

  “Connor,” she cries out. “I hate you.”

  I let out a laugh and keep rubbing her back. “I love you too, baby.”

  Erin starts gasping for breath and her body trembles against mine. I want to take away her pain but all I can do is to be here for her. I pull her long blonde hair back and kiss her again. Finally, she leans into me and rests her head on my chest. “Baby, hold on.” I have her in my arm, but I slowly get up and get a washcloth. I turn on the faucet and let the cool water wet the washcloth. I bring it to her face as she holds my hand tightly. As much pain as she’s in, she’s never looked more beautiful, and my heart beats uncontrollably. I pick her up in my arms and walk back to our bed. “Here.” I gently put her down and sit by her still wiping her face with the washcloth.

  “Thanks, babe,” she whispers, closing her eyes.

  “Hi, baby. This is your daddy. I can’t wait to meet you, but you think you can be nicer to mommy? She’s having a hard time and needs sleep.”
I kiss her stomach and imagine our baby growing.

  “Connor, you’re really happy about this?” The worry of doubt in her voice throws me off. I hate that she doesn’t know how I feel and how happy I am that we’re starting this new journey together. I guess I can’t blame her though. Being gone all the time and working long hours isn’t easy for her. I will be better for her and our family.

  “Of course I am.” I kiss her stomach again and hold her hand. “You and our baby mean the world to me. Nothing’s going to change that. Try and get some sleep, okay?”

  “I love you, night.”

  I kiss Erin’s forehead. “I love you, too,” I whisper.

  Afraid to go back to sleep, I grab a chair from the corner of our room and bring it to Erin’s side. Holding her hand, I stay awake and watch her soundly sleeping. I’m next to my forever, and I don’t ever want to leave her side. “Always here for you, baby,” I murmur.

  The sun beams its lights in our room, and I decide to go downstairs and make breakfast for my girl. I give her another kiss on her forehead and quietly walk out of the bedroom. I walk down the spiral hard wood stairs and hear Sophia, our best friend, laughing in the kitchen. I walk in and see her and my brother, Adam, standing by the island putting food on four yellow plates. “Good morning?” I questionably ask.

  Sophia turns around and her face glows with a big smile. “Hey, baby daddy. How’s it feel?” She comes over to me and throws her arms around my waist. She’s too short to reach my neck. I hug her back and feel happy to have two important people in our lives.

  I yawn. “I’m exhausted. She was throwing up last night, and I couldn’t do anything to help her. I feel helpless. What or how can I help her?”

  Adam chimes in. “Just be there for her. Take some time off. I talked to Joseph, and he’s going to take over the tasks in California. Oh,” Adam snaps his fingers. “Don’t forget to turn in the signed contracts. Just email them to Joseph.”

  “Alright, I’ll do that soon.” I pour coffee into a mug and prepare a plate of food for Erin. “I’ll be back. Let me go check on Erin.”